When it gets bad, I think about Bob Marley’s song Three Little Birds. I repeat, over and over:
Don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing gonna be alright
Right now? Right this minute, it doesn’t feel like anything will ever be alright again.
The level of despair and grief I feel is choking me. I am terrible at grieving. I don’t know what to do with my grief. I am alternating between feeling nothing and wanting to punch someone in the face. I know I am not alone in my grief, but I feel alone.
You know what what extra sucks? The morning after I found out that cheetoh sporkhands is the president elect, I had to sit in a 7 hour meeting. I have another one tomorrow. (I will be in that meeting as you read this).
I don’t know how I got through the day. I know my face is swollen and distorted. My head hurts. I am despondent that women just lost decades and decades of work. I am already hearing stories of people being emboldened and behaving in overtly bigoted ways.
I am so goddamn sad that women got shoved back years by this bizarro election which seems to be a malevolent time machine. I am terrified for my daughters, granddaughters, nieces, and friends. I am ashamed they may have to fight battles that were already fought.
I am terrified that a sexual predator will soon be president. I am saddened so many people felt like this is a good idea.
Here’s is something else that I know is true. We’ve all been through shit. If you are reading this, then you got through it. We will continue on. I don’t know what the future holds, and frankly, I fear the future.
I will give myself the rest of the week to wallow in my grief. I don’t know how long the grieving process might take for me. I’m sure I will still be dealing with it on Monday, but I will be finished wallowing by then.
It’s too soon for me to even think about hope, but I know I will find it again. It’s also important to remember that we are not alone. We can find joy and humor and gratefulness. We can love and create and learn. No one can take these things from us.
I have been crying off and on since Tuesday night. I am terrified that I’ve been wrong all along about love being stronger than hate. I am terrified of hate’s power.
I realized something, though.
I don’t care.
I don’t care either way. I don’t care which force is more powerful. I choose love, acceptance, and inclusion. I choose light over dark.
I don’t know how, but I am determined to spend the rest of my days finding ways to be useful.
I know this is rambling and perhaps doesn’t have a clear point, but right this minute? This is the best I’ve got. Also, it’s not like it’s the only rambling, fuzzy post on this blog.
I wish you all peace. I hope you smile. I don’t know if Bob Marley was right or not. I don’t know if everything little thing gonna be alright. Fretting over that gets in my way.
I need a few more days, then I will begin to find ways to make myself useful. To help other people. To fight hate even if it’s a losing battle.
By the way, I didn’t make up “cheetoh sporkhands”. I read that on Facebook somewhere. I just found it terribly appropriate. As we all know, the president elect is thin-skinned. If I end up in prison for calling him”cheetoh sporkhands” then one of you needs to bake me a cake with a file in it.