Think Godzilla vs. Ghidorah
I read a story this morning by the amazing Samara Speaks on her blog A Buick In A Land Of Lexus where she very calmly discusses her feelings on dealing with the PTO moms at her son’s school.
Just kidding, she rips their ass.
This isn’t Samara’s first blog post about the PTO moms. I know the moms she talks about; I’ve never been good at dealing with them. A single sneer down their nose and I turned into one of those pretty blue flowers that get smaller due to social anxiety.
For fuck’s sake, one of them got shitty with Samara over the cupcakes she is making for a Halloween bake sale. They are decorated with little knives and are quite perfect for a school bake sale. The PTO mom felt they were inappropriate for the younger kids.
Regardless of how young they are, if your precious spawn can’t handle the sight of one of those cupcakes, then your child is not being adequately prepared for life. It’s a Halloween cupcake. There are scary images at Halloween that are all in fun.
I was horribly annoyed when I read this story. But why? I’m way beyond the bake sale years. I know that people can be shitty, this isn’t shocking. Supercilious PTO moms are in every community. Why did I feel like hopping on a plane and flying to Samara’s house and beating up a PTO mom? Isn’t that unreasonable? Is this more of that menopause hormonal bullshit? This shit has to stop.
What I decided is this: I’m still not happy about that whole shrinking violet scenario. I want a chance to stand up for myself. Until I get that TARDIS though, time travel isn’t an option.
Except, maybe I can fix it.
I can have one conversation to represent all the conversations I ever had with PTO moms. Or soccer moms. Fucking hell, the soccer moms. When my older son was playing soccer, all the soccer moms were into painting their white canvas tennis shoes with puff paint. They don’t still do that shit, do they? Because damn. I understand, maybe a little, how Samara feels. I never fit in with the soccer moms. They’d all be wearing theme clothes and I’d be wearing a Bruce Springsteen concert shirt that I had already had for 15 years and knock off Converse all stars. I tried to be friendly, despite my social anxiety (which was way worse when I was younger). They didn’t even pretend to be polite.
In the following scenario, the normal mother will be represented as ‘every mom’ or ‘Em’. Em is like me. She doesn’t puff paint her goddamn shoes and she sure as fuck isn’t concerned about her snowflake seeing a Halloween cupcake. Samara refers to the PTO moms as PTO whores. So for short, that’s Ptow. But Ptow doesn’t rhyme with ‘toe’ it rhymes with ‘cow’. So Ptow rhymes with Pee Cow. Which really, is perfect. So we will just call her Pee Cow.
In our story, Em has her hair pulled back in a pony tail. She tried really hard to smooth her hair down, but there were still poofy sections. She didn’t have time for makeup because her goofing off time had gotten out of control that morning. So she just smudged up last night’s mascara and called it eye liner, put on a little powder and really didn’t notice the grease stain on her Hilton Head t-shirt. That she bought at a Goodwill. But it was just a quick 10 minute meeting at the school for the Fall bake sale.
Pee Cow has 70s era flight attendant hair, yoga pants, a designer purse and a North Face vest. Her nails are tasteful and she still carries a day planner.
Pee Cow: Em, it’s Em, right? Em, we just don’t feel that your cupcakes are appropriate for children under 10.
Em: They’re just cupcakes with a Halloween theme. It’s not like I brought vagina cupcakes or anything like that one mom did at that one school.
It’s possible that Em is socially awkward and is an expert at making a difficult situation unbearably uncomfortable. She also isn’t expressing an opinion on the vagina cupcakes. There is nothing wrong with vaginas. I mean, unless you are putting PICTURES OF THEM ON CUPCAKES AND GIVING THEM TO CHILDREN. Really…that’s fucking weird.
Pee Cow: Vagina cupcakes? I don’t know what you’re talking about, Em, but I certainly hope your cupcakes have nothing to do with, you know, genitals.
Em: No. No..it was a story I read a few weeks ago. On the internet.
Pee Cow: Oh. Well, I avoid those sites. .
Em: It was Facebook.
Pee Cow: We don’t allow Facebook accounts in our house. No monitor time other than homework. Well, and PBS. We watch an hour of PBS every week. I know, it seems excessive, but I value that family time.
Pee Cow’s two children, Muffy (named after her maternal grandmother) and Cooper (named after the car, I assume) approach their mother and ask politely if they can stop for wheat grass smoothies on the way home.
Pee Cow: I know a smoothie is not the best mid-morning snack, but part of the fun of life is spoiling our kids, right? Their daily affirmation coach and my joyologist both agree that infrequent indulgences help prepare them for the real world.
Em: Does your daughter’s t-shirt say ‘muff diver’ on it?
Pee Cow: Yes. We call Muffy, Muff at home and she’s a shining star on her diving team, so we had that shirt made for her.
Em: Do you know what a muff diver is?
Upon hearing Em explaining what a muff diver is, Pee Cow’s exterior shimmers. The glint of light that winked continuously off her front teeth went out. Her hair frizzled up and was replaced with serpents just like Medusa. Her eyes turned black and her lips were covered with cold sores. Pee Cow points a bent and bony finger at her daughter and shrieks at her to go into the bathroom and turn her shirt inside out. .
As soon as the sound of her shrieks stopped echoing, the world righted itself and she once again had that Stepford PTO look popular in suburbs everywhere .
Em: So, will 2 dozen cupcakes be okay?
Pee Cow: Yes, that will be fine. Now, we have to run. Cooper can’t be late for his self-actualizing fencing class.
Damn. That was fun.
I’m not suggesting that there is anything wrong with taking time with your appearance. I’m not suggesting that wearing designer clothes is bad. All I’m saying is if you do these things and then treat people who opt for different paths like shit, then you are probably a pee cow. Cut it out. It’s not attractive.
Also, those goddamn cupcakes are fine.