Randy and I were sitting in the living room talking about feeding our grandkids banana hot dogs last weekend. Banana hot dogs are just what they sound like. Bananas on a hot dog bun. We added peanut butter for protein. Apparently, Elvis was on to something because the grandkids loved it.
Someone knocked at our front door.
Randy and I are friendly people. Friendlyish at least. We keep to ourselves, though, and we always know in advance when someone comes to our house.
Randy didn’t hear the knock because he was in the middle of a sentence.
Me: Someone is knocking at the door.
Randy: What? (Randy is getting old, I have to repeat myself a lot).
Me: The door, there’s someone at the door.
Randy: Fuck ’em. I’m not answering it.
Me: I’m going to answer it.
Randy: It’s someone selling something.
Me: Maybe not.
Randy: Don’t answer it.
Me: I’m answering it.
So, I opened the door to a lovely young man who had neatly combed ginger hair and wore a red tie with a blue and white striped shirt.
Then he started talking. The torrent of words that came forth from his facehole was completely impressive. I wasn’t even annoyed that he was trying to sell me windows. Not at first, at least.
I could bitch that he came at dinner time, which is true, he showed up around the time families traditionally have dinner. We’re not so much a ‘family that has dinner together every night at the same time’ as we are ‘I’ll just eat this leftover cranberry sauce and some cereal, they can fend for themselves’ kind of family. So the fact that Captain SuperTalker showed up at 5:30 wasn’t a problem.
I nodded a few times and tried to keep up. I know they weren’t going to charge me a dime for installation and something else, if I would just agree to have a sign in my beautiful yard for thirty days.
I twitched a bit at the ‘beautiful yard’ comment, but I let him continue.
Then he said something that destroyed all credibility: We would love a chance to advertise our energy saving windows on your lovely home.
Me: Hold up. What?
Captain SuperTalker: You have a lovely home, ma’am.
Me: Did you notice the front door has a bunch of paint peeled off? How about the landscaping which is basically half dead bushes and thistle? Or maybe it was the roof?
Captain SuperTalker: That’s just cosmetic, and with new windows…
Me: Cosmetic? I have never seen shingles on the Sephora site.
Captain SuperTalker: I don’t understand.
Me: Nevermind, it wasn’t that funny.
Me: I have a whole list of things that need to happen to this house that I can’t afford. Windows are pretty far down on the list.
Captain SuperTalker: A lot of people say that, but with the energy savings…
Me: Dude, my central air doesn’t work. Do you really think I’d choose new windows over not sweating my ass off all Summer?
Captain SuperTalker: Well, if I could just show you…
Me: No, we’re done. I am not buying windows right now. I don’t see myself buying windows in the foreseeable future.
Captain SuperTalker, opening his mouth to speak again.
Me: slowly closing the door while backing away and whispering to him: We’re dooooooone.
I flopped back on the couch and looked at my beloved.
Randy: Told you it was someone selling something. We’ve had one neighbor in 7 years knock on our door.
Me: That’s completely wrong. The little boy next door used to come over all the time and try to get Joey to toss baseball with him. And the lady down the street brought me houseplants that one time. You told me the new people who just moved in came over and borrowed Lysol.
Me: The point is, I’m going to say neighbors have knocked on our door well over a dozen times in 7 years, not just once.
Randy: Salesmen have overwhelmingly outnumbered neighbors.
Me: Remember that time I bought the $47 green clean stuff?
Me: That stuff was safe. I remember the guy who sold it to me licked the bottle to prove it wasn’t harmful.
Me: He didn’t lick the bottle I bought. He licked his test bottle.
Me: At least I didn’t buy the windows.
Me: That green stuff was really good cleaner.
So, how do y’all handle salesmen that come to your door?