I have questions.
It occurs to me that instead of being plagued by mysteries that nag at me, I could ask y’all these questions and you could help me out.
For instance, what is up with this shirt I have on today?
I like the way this shirt looks. It fits, it’s comfortable, it’s a sort of t-shirty material. However, every time I wear it, I pick knots of my own hair off it. According to this shirt, I should be bald by now. In addition to actual clumps of hair, it always has hair intertwined throughout the material. None of my other shirts do this, just this one. Why does this shirt love my hair so much?
Why does my internal jukebox insist on playing songs I hate? Does my subconscious despise me?
Why do people drive in the far left lane when it should only be used for passing and why does this enrage me?
Why does Starbucks have such a hard time getting my black tea lemonade order right?
Why can’t worrying over who marries who stop being an issue? Seriously, at this point people are just being assholes about it. Why do they fucking care?
Why can I never spell the word ‘alcohol’ right on the first try? Even if I think about it?
What is Jesse Pinkman up to these days?
Why don’t they make bras in half sizes? Sub-question: Why can’t my boobs either shrink or grow half a cup size?
How do you know if you’re choosing the right tattoo artist?
How upset is my mother going to get if I get another tattoo?
Should I just not show it to her?
To any people reading who happen to be my sisters…no fucking telling mom about the tattoo.
Will all of you send me a dollar each week?
Seriously, this is my retirement plan. Maybe I can get Sarah McLachlan to sing a song for me. For only one dollar per week, you can keep Michelle out of a cubicle and in tequila. Won’t you please open your hearts?
What should I name the third kitten that I want to get even though no one else in my house wants me to get a third kitten? I NEED SOMETHING ELSE TO CUDDLE!
How come I know exactly what Randy is going to say to the ‘I need something else to cuddle’ statement?
Wait. I already know the answer to that question.
In the spirit of fair play, feel free to ask me your burning life questions and I will answer them for you. I’m not guaranteeing the answers will make sense, but you could always make an anagram out of my answers and see if that improves them.
Speaking of which, ‘become molochs splint’ is an anagram of my name.
I would send you a dollar but I’m unemployed. What you need to do is find Pinkman, Retire off of meth sales, Get a tattoo OF your mom holding a cat while the theme song you already have is sung by Ellen Page in the background. Just a thought. What I want to know is did anyone actually find Waldo?
HA! You really covered all the bases there, Rocco!
Wait wait wait….I didn’t answer your question
No, they never found Waldo because Waldo was never real, he was a collection of belly button lint artfully arranged in the shape of a human with stripy clothes and a stupid hat. Unfortunately, he was caught out in the rain and fell into pieces and will never be seen again.
Or, they found him in Dry Ridge, Ky.
One of those two things…pretty sure it was one of those two…
I am such a fan.
What is up with those shirts? I have those too! And I always think the hair/lint balls are spiders and freak out and make a humongous scene for nothing.
Thank You!!!
And yes, I do have a moment of panic with the damn knots of hair EVERY TIME.
I have a shirt like that too, but its never knots of my hair, its my bf’s hair! Like WTF dude! Keep your hair to yourself! LOL
Hahahah…yeah, probably some of it is Randy’s too…
Ahhh, but maybe those shirts were made with hair already in them, used as thread. Done so to save money and screw with peoples minds when they find strange hair on their shirts … especially when found by wives of bald men.
That makes sense…because seriously..if it’s mine..I should be bald.
Rigby and Peller make bras that fit perfectly, however they cost a small fortune, but when the queen is one of your regular customers I guess you can charge what you like. Us mere mortals are destined to put up with the not quite right sizes off the shelf.
>
My question for you is ‘When is the mother ship coming back for us? I’m tired of this planet now and I’d quite like to go home
🙂
The mother ship departs every half hour from where ever we aren’t.
Sooner or later, we’ll find it. I”ll save you a seat.
Thanks, I do hope it’s soon. I think you should call your kitten Lux or Ivy depending on gender 🙂
Nice! I was thinking Oz (it’s a buffy thing), but Lux or Ivy is cool
The answer to most of these questions is “It/He/She/They is an asshole.” Except your mother. Don’t you dare call your mother an asshole, missy!
Now here’s my question: Why am I such an asshole?
I would never call my mother an asshole.. She’s a sweetheart.. My dad though… Total asshole.
And you are an asshole in an endearing way and also because it’s kind of fun.
I have the answers to all your questions, but I’m baking today, and I’ve spent so much time screwing around with this laptop (and its issues) this week, that I have an eyelid twitch.
Plus, if I went around telling everyone the answers, I’d lose my mystique or something, right?
😀
Briefly, though, because I love you:
The hair-sucking shirts? There is No Answer for that.
Try using the word “booze” instead. It classes it up, too…
Yes, on tattoo. No, on mom.
Name your kitten Jack.
voila
I love your answers!!
And you could never lose your mystique, anyone that can make cakes like you gets a life time achievement in mystique. Because it’s cake.
Kittens are cute and all, but then they become cats and cats are assholes.
They don’t make bras in half sizes because the patriarchy runs the intimate apparel industry and it’s an Illuminati plot.
I got ticketed for driving in the far left lane and doing 85 mph. I’ve learned my lesson.
MY kitten won’t turn into an asshole.
Funny..I got a ticket this Summer for about the same speed. But I was passing someone.
I had my suspicions about the Illuminati.
I know I shouldn’t answer questions with questions, but are you trying to punish yourself? I mean the internal jukebox thing does happen from time to time, but you are describing the generation of a hair-shirt out of a regular shirt while wearing it. Maybe you really should get that kitten. You could name it Tattoo and tell your mom that you got a cat, not a tat.
The last kitten I was adopted by I named Gato, so maybe I’m not the one to advise you there.
I usually try to punish myself.
Good idea on the cat/tattoo/mom dilemma…two birds and all
Oh, yeah, left-lane slowpokes are the worst. I think they look at the right two lanes and say “It’s too crowded and dangerous over there; I’ll drive way over here and have the whole road to myself…”
They’re especially annoying when you’re driving a large truck that takes an act of God and congress to accelerate or slow down.
And just out of curiosity: are these hair episodes worse during the full moon?
I think you’re right about the left lane riders…
I don’t know about the full moon thing. It seems to just always happen…but I will pay attention..
I like Tattoo for a kitten name.
Hmmmmm….interesting. Then I can tell mom I got a tattoo and throw her off.
You don’t name the kitten before you GET the kitten. You let the kitten pick you and the name will follow – hopefully in a soothing voice in your head that is JUST loud enough to drown out the purgatory jukebox (because only in purgatory do we have to listen to songs we hate on repeat). Also, to kill two horrible birds with one stone, you can try blasting a favorite song in repeat, while gently “encouraging” the left lane cruiser to get the hell over by driving a liiiiitle to close. Or pass him on the right and get the fuck away from that mess while still blasting music. I’ve learned to take a deep breath and exhale my problem, forgiving and speeding to the next thought – it’s made me less ragey. Oh, and I’m with all the other illuminati plot people when it comes to ANY women’s clothing sizes. None of that shit is standard. I give up.
I guess my question is if you ever get the feeling you were born in the wrong century? I do…
All very good answers…thank you.
Yes and no to your question. Sometimes I think I should have been born way into the future. Fashion wise? I’d take the the 20s, 50s or 60s…if it weren’t for the fact that women were treated even worse in any of those decades….
LOL Vanity sizing. The only industry standard clothing sizing your find is on certain pattern brands, but even some of the indie brands use vanity sizing. Drives me batty. I wear a 14 at Target, but an 18 when sewing my own clothes. Or a 2 at Torrid. Seriously. Everyone get on the same damn boat!
Also, you need a kitten. I can’t have one, so you should get one.
When my baby boy graduates in two years, I am getting one
and we must be about the same size…yes…get on the same page.
Oooooo, I’m telling mom. And YOU should never get a kitten – never, never, never.
Just one tiny little kitten?
AND DON’T TELL!!!!!
It’s not just women’s apparel that are sized strangely.
I read an article a while back about how clothing mfgrs are playing with the size of men’s pants/jeans. Making a waist of 37 and labeling it 36 … or even labeling some 38s as 36.
Men’s shirts are not much different. Unless you’re buying a fitted suit you hardly ever see shirts sized any other way than S/M/L/XL …. or XXL. For someone like me the Medium is almost too small and the Large is a bit too big … except for some brands and in those I have to get an XL to cover my belly.
Anymore it’s just a crap shoot when a person goes to buy clothes.
Name your kitten Cat … easy to remember and then when you are cussing the cat no one thinks you are cussing out a person 😉
I don’t know why they do that with the sizes…it doesn’t change anything…
Hmmmm….cat. I dunno. I might be a little more creative with it. Maybe Kat…hahahaha
Oh the hair shirt. I wore mine the other day and was wondering the same thing. It’s weird that my shirt likes my hair so much.
I don’t know about your internal jukebox either, but apparently ours are friends, because mine does the same thing to me. I can’t stand Taylor Swift (yes. I said it.).
Kittens are cuddly and little monstrous jerks too. Just as a side note… *glares at kitten across the room*
HAHHA…Fortunately, I don’t know any Taylor Swift songs…so I have that going for me.
If anyone ever tries to teach you one of her songs… RUN AWAY.
Hahahah! Okay!
I will admit to liking a Lady Gaga song…I didn’t know it was her, I just heard it and thought it was catchy.
My question: Whhhyyyy dafuq can’t I remember ANYTHING? This is the second time I’ve read this post — I know that much — but I don’t know if I really commented or commented in my head. Scrolling quickly past, I didn’t see myself, so here I go (again).
1. (Or 3, I don’t know anymore.) I also never spell alcohol right on the first try. I think it’s because, drunk.
2. I want a kitten too. That’s how I got my first cat, was telling my husband I needed something to cuddle that couldn’t talk back. It worked out pretty well, except my cat is an asshole and my husband is a pervert.
3. I already can’t remember the other questions!
This made me laugh out loud. Seriously..it’s like reading my own brain. Except you have a kitten and I don’t. And my husband is also a pervert. Oh my god..he is such pervert. But he’s funny..so he mostly gets a pass.
I don’t have any answers only more questions! Dammit!!! Why do people do the same speed as the car next to them? How often is the same top 40 hit on the two top 40 stations available to me? Who thinks people like unrequested advice?
Because people are inconsiderate douche twizzles.
The radio stations plan it that way just to annoy us and it depends on how much you dislike the song. THe more you dislike it, the more likely it will be playing on both stations.
People who think that are the ones giving the advice. Me for instance. Hahahaha