When Randy and I Skype with our mountain friends on Friday nights, there is always an adventure of some sort.
For instance, one recent evening, Skype started using voice recognition and displaying our conversation at the bottom of the screen. We don’t know why that happened, we couldn’t get it to turn off, and it’s never been back.
What we did do, was see how garbled we could make the words appear. You’d be surprised how long we entertained ourselves with this. Or maybe not.
We spent a lot of time trying to trick the service into saying “fuck”, but it was having none of it.
Another night, we created the phrase “Fairy zygote mother”.
I wrote it down.
I looked at it for weeks. I loved the phrase, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what I could do with it. What the fuck is a fairy zygote mother?
Therein lies my problem. I needed a definition.
The way I see it, we have a few options. A fairy zygote mother could be a fairy godmother for zygotes, but really, I think that would be one bored ass fairy because I don’t think zygotes make a lot of wishes. I could be wrong, I don’t remember my zygote phase. But really, what would be worse than some bored ass, cranky fairies? Nothing good would come of it. There would be drive by glitter bombings and other shenanigans coming from roaming bands of dissatisfied fairy godmothers. Fun fact: A group of fairy godmothers is known as a “fishnet”. A fishnet of fairy godmothers.
Another option would be a fairy godmother the size of a zygote. But this isn’t practical. A zygote is way smaller than a who and it took a long time before Horton heard a who. We would never know when they were talking to us and when were making our wishes, they might be on break or something and we would never know it. We’d lose confidence in our fairy zygote mothers and they would be hoarse from shouting. I think this ends with upset fairies, just like the last scenario.
The option that makes most sense to me, is that our fairy zygote mother is your standard fairy godmother size, but they grant just the teeniest of wishes. Itty bitty tiny wishes. If you’re lucky enough to have a fairy zygote mother, then you are granted 3 wishes a day. But they aren’t big wishes. You can wish for things like “make my left, big toe stop itching” or “make the chair in the next cubicle stop being so squeaky”.
It may seem, at first, that having a fairy zygote mother who grants itsy bitsy wishes wouldn’t be that great. But think about it. Her wish granting would have a cumulative affect. For instance, three times a day, you have a minor annoyance removed, which shifts your day just enough to be a little more productive than the day before. Then after a few months, you will see some positive changes in your life, like paying your bills on time or getting your lunch made for work the night before.
Okay, so maybe having a fairy zygote mother wouldn’t be a huge help, but at least that scenario wouldn’t involve a rise in fairy godmother crime.
I truly don’t think people understand the kind of damage fairy godmothers could do. Especially if they’re in a fishnet egging each other on.
Or is that too silly?
We will be spending a lot of in person time with out mountain friends this summer. I am so looking forward to our future absurd conversations. I also hope I don’t lose consciousness and vomit all over their deck like I did last year.
Wish me luck.