Randy and I are going away for the weekend to visit friends. I love visiting these friends. We’ll spend a few days in the mountains, communing with nature, appreciating beauty and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
This means five hours in the car. Five hours of Randy driving and me judging his driving or the other way around. We can’t help ourselves. I can sum up the arguments with one sentence I say and one sentence he says.
Me: Why don’t you just PASS this guy?
Randy: How fast are you going?
I am going to attempt to not say anything about his driving today. No matter how much his driving resembles that of a 90 year old woman. Instead, I will appreciate that he is a safe driver.
I will focus on the other drivers as they are a constant source of amusement and frustration.
Here they are, five types of drivers explained. I shall do this through what I imagine their inner dialogue would be.
The Timid Driver
Should I go now? I better wait and not pull out. That car is only a half a mile away.
I can’t go now, either. There’s a car on the horizon. All the cars must be off the road before I pull out.
I know I can right turn on red, but why risk it?
It doesn’t matter if the light is green. I”m slowing down anyway. It could turn red before I get there.
I want to pass this guy. Should I pass this guy? I better not pass this guy.
The Distracted Driver
I know the light changed…I’M FINISHING A TWEET.
I have to answer this text. There aren’t many people driving on the interstate this morning anyway.
Should I get coffee? Facebooking and coffee go together. Besides, this is going to be a long trip.
Why weren’t we given three arms and hands? This is just poor body design.
What the fuck is that guy yelling and beeping about? I was in his lane for a fucking second. Sheesh.
The Aggressive Driver
I will push your goddamn car out of my way. Seriously, I will drive up your ass if you don’t GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.
Fucking people with their fucking cars on my road. I will show them. I’ll show them all.
You think you’re going to PASS me? Oh no, you are not fucking passing me.
I swear to christ, if this person takes more than a half a second to move after the light turns green, I will kill him and enslave his children and grandchildren.
You WILL get out of the passing lane. Motherfucker, this lane is for PASSING. It’s for PASSING. MOVE YOUR ASS.
I don’t have enough middle fingers. This is just poor body design.
The Passive Aggressive Driver
I am adhering to speed limit laws and I will drive in the far left lane if it pleases me.
I think I will keep pace with the car next to me so that no one can get around. That’s a fun time for all the drivers.
Yes, I have a green arrow, but I’m going to go very, very slow so that only one or two cars get through. The rest of you will wait. Sorry. Not sorry.
I see you coming. I’m going to wait until you are almost here and then pull out in front of you. And make you slow down.
The Entitled Driver
Yes, I see that people are getting backed up in the parking lot. But I’m waiting for this spot. It’s right in front and it’s my spot. It will only take a few more minutes for grandma to unload her cart.
You are in a lane I wish to be in. You will move or get hit. It’s my lane.
There’s my exit coming up. I’ll wait until I’m 50 yards away and then cut across 4 lanes of traffic so I can exit.
Here’s to hoping we don’t run into (Hahaha…run into) too many of these types of drivers today. Also, YAY for anti-anxiety medication!
So funny and sadly, so true. And let’s not forget the worst driver there is — the one sitting in the passenger seat helpfully suggesting that I not hit every car, railing, and potential pedestrian on the road. But could I go a bit faster? But watch the speed limit? And while I’m doing that, he’ll just change the radio station and turn the volume way down, because it might distract me. (Please goddess, let it distract me…) And did I know that waving people to go in front of me actually causes accidents because the other people around me are expecting me to drive like the testosterone-poisoned POS they are, and they won’t be expecting me to be polite? But watch out for that fence. Cause, you know, it might jump in front of me…
Yeah, that driver. The one I dimly remember promising for better or for worse, but wish I had added a caveat “just not for backseat driving”.
HAHAAHA…so sorry to laugh at your pain…but it sounds oh so familiar.
Oh wow… That is a great story!
I’m dying of laughter. Um…apparently I tend toward the Aggressive Driver profile, at least based on the number of times the word “fuck” appears in the inner monologue.
Yeah, if I had to put myself in a profile, it would be the aggressive one
Oh YES. All of these. I’m the aggressive inner dialogue person, too.
REALLY? There are FIVE MILES OF EMPTY ROAD BEHIND ME but you pulled out in front of me when I was 100 FEET FROM YOUR INTERSECTION and then proceeded to do 37 mph??? REALLY!!!???
Shane and I have the same conversation as you in the car, so I voted myself a permanent passenger after 20 years.
Once again I am convinced that we are related.
*SNORT* lol
Michelle,
I had totally forgot, but you reminded me– I wrote a whole post about this very subject ages ago… had to go back and read it 🙂 here
http://itsa-long-story.blogspot.com/2013/07/drivers-ed.html
I am home now so I can read it finally!! I couldn’t get it on my phone, but my internet access was spotty on the mountain.
Oh my goodness. That is perfect. I am sad to say that I probably fall into the Aggressive Driver bucket. But in my mind I am simply a Good Driver who just happens to be running late to pick up my son from school (again). It’s not my fault that all of those people decided to get in my way.
Hahaha… Me too.. I am late way too often
Yeah, I met all those types but I never took the time to categorize them. I owned/drove my own tractor trailer coast to coast for many years. I amost always tried to look out for others and keep them from harm. Almost always. I clearly recall one early morning on I-95 in Maine when I was driving along minding my own business at about 65 when an idiot passed me and then slowed down. That happened sometimes when drivers were distracted, so I didn’t pay much attention, just pulled out to pass him. He sped up and stayed on my inside, refusing to let me in. Again, sometimes drivers will unconsciously match speeds, so I slowed down and he slowed down. I slowed all the way to 25 MPH and he stayed right there on my inside. I was getting a bit pissed by now, so I sped up to 80 MPH and he stayed right there, obviously playing with me and refusing to let me back in. So I slowed back down to 65 again and waited. As soon as I saw that the shoulder was sloped easy and led to a swamp, I put on my right signal (it is always important to use your signals properly), left it on for about 30 seconds to give him a chance to move, and then changed lanes.I might have overshot my lane a bit and gone all the way to the edge of the pavement on the shoulder, it’s hard to stop turning once you get going, ya know. He shot off the road, down the bank and, the last I saw, was busy sinking onto the mud of the swamp. When I read your description “I think I will keep pace with the car next to me so that no one can get around. That’s a fun time for all the drivers.”, I realized he must have been passive aggressive. Not sure what he is now. People have been known to change.
And for some reason, the Passive Aggressive drivers are *proud* of being assholes. The other types just are what they are; but the PAs seem to be deliberate in their crazy making driving.
Right? They probably frustrate me the most.
I think I’m the “OH YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?” driver. Witness:
“Oh, you’re going to tailgate me and try to drive right up my asshole? WATCH AS I DROP TO TEN MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT AND START WEAVING AROUND SO YOU CAN’T PASS ME.”
“Oh, I let you cut in front of me and you didn’t even wave and/or look at me? WATCH AS I GIVE YOU SO MANY FINGERS.”
“Oh, you’re trying to merge ahead of me after waiting a super long time before even bothering? WATCH AS I JAM ON THE GAS SO YOU RUN OFF THE FUCKING ROAD.”
Yeah… That sounds familiar.. I drive hubs crazy
This sounds like my head.
I grew up in CA, but spent 13 years in OR before coming back to CA. Number one describes all OR drivers. They drove me crazy. The rest of them describe all CA drivers. They drive me crazy.
I’m, of course, a perfect driver. I obey traffic laws, and I’m very courteous. Until you piss me off. Then I become Sarah.
hahaha..I”m kind of Sarah, too
Yeah, I’m supposedly going off to a place in the mountains tomorrow also. Not sure when I will have internet access again, either.
Here’s another mental driving voice for your collection, this one from the driver of a 20 foot bobtail delivery truck in the Bay Area:
Yes, it’s true that this truck weighs more than 19,000 pounds.
Yes, it’s true that mass times velocity squared equals force.
Yes it’s true that this truck won’t pull the uphill coming up in sixth gear unless it’s going at least 60 when it gets to the bottom.
Yes, it’s true that the guy in the sporty looking little Honda is passing the girl driving the little pickup very slowly, so as to get a nice long look at her as he goes by, thus occupying both southbound lanes right at the bottom of the hill.
Yes, it’s true that you might be able to intimidate him into speeding up a little with the use of various aggressive driving techniques.
Yes, it’s true that if you have to start gearing down in the left lane, everyone will be going around you on the right, and by the time you get to the top of the hill, you will be going 45MPH in the left lane and the people passing you will be honking and giving you the finger.
So you signal for a right lane change while pondering mortality and the law of averages. And light another cigarette.
Ha! You’ve been there Doug! You know what the problem is? A lot of drivers adopt the social attitudes of either competition with other drivers or “me first”. Neither one keeps anyone safe, including the driver. Instead, the road to survival is a collaborative effort where you look out for the other guy, combined with situational awareness. I’m not talking about sacrificing yourself, but rather look beyond your own destination and your worries of the day. The more internally focussed you are, the worse it will turn out in the end. And the best of this attitude is that it not only gets you and everyone else there safer, but it also will deliver you just as fast or faster than if you take every opportunity to get ahead. I speak from about 3 million miles of experience. That takes some maturity as well, and a previoius story I left here was one of a young driver – I would find another solution today.
Yeah, I did about a million miles myself, all in the Bay Area. Maybe it’s just that it’s counter-intuitive that you get there quicker by helping everyone else get there quicker also, not by slowing them down. You’re not racing AGAINST the rest of the traffic; no one cares who gets there first, you’re racing WITH them instead.
Hahahaahah…I can at least say I didn’t ponder my mortality. Except going up and down deck stairs after drinking…then maybe a little
HA!!! I’d hate to admit which one(s) I am!!! 😉
Oh…I know which one I am. But I’m working on it…
Classic. I’d like to offer the CAFFEINATED NUTJOB you see speed past you then find at the stoplight two minutes later.
Why yes, I CAN drive with my bluetooth-in-and-finish-my-paperwork-as-I-conference-call-my-boss-as-I-put-on-this-work-shirt-with-my grande-double-mochachino-triple-shot-no-foam-soy-latte-in-one-hand-WHILST-continuing-to-steer-and-brake-for-no reason-whatsoever. Why do you ask?
HAHAAHAH!!!! Yes!!
I’m the worst kind of backseat driver. When my husband drives I do my best not to make noise so when I’m worried he’s too close I do this sharp intake of breath that may as well be the loudest banshee-shriek on earth for how it affects him.
But I have only ever thrown my arm across him to keep him safe ONCE. While he was driving. I’m such an ass. Seriously.
I make that same noise. Hubs hates it..but I tell him…IT’S INVOLUNTARY…I CAN’T HELP IT!
This really made me laugh. Laugh-out-loud laugh, as opposed to laugh-ontheinside-lol. So damn true.
Awesome!! I’m glad you liked it!
Excellent observations. However we’ve already perfectly organized drivers into a class system and this shall be observed by the peasants hence forth. http://itsallabithazy.com/2014/05/07/zen-guide-to-dealing-with-traffic-for-the-fully-realized-individual/
NICE!!!!!