Flight Of The Drunk Girls

F

I have to work backward right now.

Randy and I just got home after 8 days in Tennessee. I have some kick ass notes for other blog posts, but I did nothing to capture the last two days of our trip, which we spent in Nashville, TN.

We stayed in the Smoky Mountains with Mountain Girl and The Bass Player (More on that later) until Thursday, and then we all went to Nashville for a few days. We went to see Flight Of The Conchords Thursday night. If you are not familiar with Flight Of The Conchords, you should be because they are goddamn hilarious.

We didn’t all sit together, but had plans to meet up under a big squiggle outside the theater after the show. Before the show ended, I started getting uncomfortable. I can only pretend my shoulder isn’t touching a stranger’s shoulder for so long before I start gettingFlight of the drunk girls skeevy about it. Also, I was hot and sweaty. Because I wore black tights under a sleeveless dress. Black tights. In Nashville. In July. My decision making skills are not improving with age.

Anyway, Randy and I walked up to the food and drink area where there were a few picnic tables. We watched the show from there. Well, Randy watched the show. I had to pee.

There were a lot of people at the show, but surprisingly few people in the bathroom. I walked in and noticed one stall door slightly open and there were shoes under the door. Pointed in the wrong direction. As if someone were laying on the bathroom floor at a concert venue. I looked around and saw people primping in the mirror. No one seemed concerned about the person in the stall.

I peed and counseled myself. This isn’t your business. You were young once. Sure, you probably never laid on the floor in the bathroom at a concert, but you had your moments. 

I walked past the stall with the person laying on the floor. Goddammit. Is everyone going to just leave her here there? 

It looked that way.

I opened the stall door and a young woman was sprawled across the toilet, her face pressed against the toilet seat.

Me: Sweetheart. You need some help?

Drunk girl: Is Danielle there?

Me, looking around: Is Danielle here?

Nothing.

Me: Danielle isn’t here, little sister. I’m going to get some wet paper towels so we can wipe the dysentery off your face.

Of course, it was all hand dryers in the bathroom. So I ran out, snagged a stack of paper towels from a vendor, and went back in the bathroom to help Danielle’s friend.

I got her as situated as I could. She assured me that Danielle and her other friends were coming for her and she was fine. I left her there and still feel a little bad about that. Poor kid. She’s probably still hungover.

A lot of time had passed since I left Randy at the picnic table and the show was just finishing up the encore. I could see Randy sitting at the picnic table and Mountain Girl was straddling the bench in front of him and waving her arms about.

Wow. She really loved the show. 

Only when I got closer, I realized it wasn’t Mountain Girl. Mountain Girl has blond hair and this Demi Moore look a like did not have blond hair. She saw me walking up and she jumped up.

Drunk girl #2: Oh my god! You’re the wife!

She had a thick Australian accent. 

Me: Is..is your name Danielle?

Drunk girl #2: What the fuck? No? Why would my name be Danielle?

Me: Well, there is this really drunk girl in the bathroom and she’s looking for Danielle and the two of you seem to be the same level of inebriated, so I took a shot.

Drunk girl #2: I am Amalia. From Australia. Get it? And I wasn’t trying to steal your husband. I promise. We were just talking, you know? Connecting. He’s fantastic. I love him. Don’t you love him? You love him, right?

Me: Nearly always, Amalia.

Amalia: I talk really fast, I’m sorry. I just do. I talk really fast. Like a doctor writing out a prescription. Oh my god! I had one of those things. You know what I mean? When you suddenly figure something out?

Me: An epiphany?

Amalia: YES! An epiphany. I am exactly like a doctor. Or prescriptions.

Me: I’m leaning toward prescriptions.

Amalia: We’re really connecting, aren’t we? I love meeting people. I can tell. We’d be friends. Give me your number.

Then she shoved her phone in my hands.

The grown up part of me, the part that tries really hard to make good decisions whispered in my ear: Give her a fake number and then walk away. 

Did I do that? Of course not. Of course I put my number in her phone because I couldn’t wait to hear what she was going to say next. So, I punched my number in her phone.

Seconds later, my purse started to vibrate. I took my phone out and looked at it.

Me: Amalia?

Amalia: Hmmm?

Me: Are..are you calling me right now?

Amalia: Yes.

Me: I am standing right in front of you.

Amalia: I love you.

Her boyfriend showed up by then, so I knew at least one drunk girl would make it home okay. Well, maybe not all the way to Australia, but she would be safe in Nashville. I hoped.

Me: Okay. Well, we are going to go find our friends now. And Amalia?

Amalia: Yes?

Me: Drink a lot of water, sweetness. Okay? A lot of water.

Then she hugged me three times and we went to find our friends under the big squiggle.

Around 2:00 A.M., my phone made it’s “you’ve got a text” noise.

I got out of bed and looked at my phone. I had a text from Amalia.

Lollipop. I wasn’t trying to steal your husband. I promise. 

I answered.

I wasn’t worried about that at all. Remember what I said about drinking a lot of water. 

I woke up in the morning and decided if I was going to have a nickname, it doesn’t get much better than lollipop. Randy woke up a few minutes later, rolled over and gazed into my eyes.

Randy: Have you ever considered getting an Amalia mask?

Motherfucker is hilarious, isn’t he?

Maybe, I should text Amalia and ask her if she has any masks of her own face. Or would that be too weird?

 

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52 comments

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  • OMFG, that’s hilarious!!! Talk about adventures on the road! Now, I’m wondering whether or not Danielle ever showed up and what happened to Drunk Girl #1! Apparently, Drunk Girl #1 did not have a cell phone? I would have looked for Danielle in her contacts and texted or called her to get her ass to the bathroom. But, at least you helped the poor girl when everyone else was simply oblivious and didn’t want to to get involved. They miss out on all the fun, too! Michelle, or should I call you “Lollipop”—hahaha!!!!— you are the jewel in the crown of life! So……did you ever receive a text from Amalia thanking you for the water advice? Do you think she woke up later the next day wondering whose number that was in her phone? 😀

    • I wish I would have thought of looking through that girl’s phone. I mean, I’m sure she is fine, but still. I feel like I felt all women down by leaving her in a fairly vulnerable position. I did at least get her face off the toilet seat, so there’s that. And no, no more texts from Amalia.

  • You know how sometimes you just wanna bask in the good and not ruin it with words?

    Wish I could do that.

    🙂

    Soooo Happy you got a girlfriend!
    Oh MY! Did you even ASK if she can do dishes?
    Waste of perfectly good drunken promises if you ask me 😉

    You sound relaxed and renewed and rejuvenated!

    Glad you’re home, safe and sound and ready to face the rest of the shit.

    Wish I was halfway there.

    😉

    • I am so not ready to face anything today. hahaha. But, my plan is to stay as slug like as possible today. Hopefully with some bursts of writing cause I have shit to get done.

  • *grabs Tinkerbell’s hand*

    I LOVE it when we do this!

    Yes! Lollipop is the best drunken nickname ever!

    I love it when Michelle calls me Sugarpop! I can only imagine a drunken grateful ‘Lollipop’ feel!

    I have all of the same questions: Drunk girl #1 has left me guessing and Amalia’s boyfriend status would be fun to get in on, too.

    I would have never though to look through drunk girl’s phone! Brilliant!

    *swipes up pixie-dust with fingers*

    • Well, you know how young people in general are attached to their phones. Most of them have one and I’d bet whoever they’d be attending a show with would be in there. That whole thing with Amalia though cracked me up. Seriously? Calling you while you’re right….in…front….of,..her and texting you in the wee hours to let you know she “honestly wasn’t trying to steal your husband”? OMG, yeah. Young, drunk females. At least you didn’t experience the ones who get nasty and mean when they’re sloshed to the gills. Do Mountain Girl and The Bass Player just look at you and shake their heads? You know, like Randy probably does from time to time? HAHAHA!!!!

  • It’s always a tough call about whether you want to get involved when you see something bad has happened. I had the same thing with a hoomeless guy who looked dead a few weeks back.

    I tend to think “What would I want others to do if this happened to me?” and get involved.

    Of course, I wouldn’t be face-down in a toilet at a concert, but still.

    I’d rather be helping people than trying to avoid eye contact with an Amalia.

  • I LOVE Flight of the Conchords! Been following them for years, have all their dvd’s and been to concert. And yep, am 57 and proud of it!!

  • I hugged a toilet in a Mexican restutrant in Memphis
    My friend finally came in and saw the big garbage can over on its side my head sideways on the toilet
    Told my friend I just needed to lay on a cold tile floor
    Go figure

  • Oh yea,my friend had just moved into his new apartment across the street,we crawled to it

    By the time I got into his bathroom I fell to my knees and puked so hard I pissed On the floor,I was fine after that,sat up and ate a bunch of Oreo cookies
    Ever since then its referred to Puke and Piss Monday’s at Molly’s

  • I’ve heard good things about Flight of the Conchords, but haven’t heard them yet. Good for you for helping the drunk girl in the bathroom, nobody usually cares about drunk girls in the bathroom, and being male, I can’t do it myself.
    When I went to The Joy Formidable at a winery with my friend Sara, they were only letting people drink their wine (or water) and there were a couple of drunk girls dancing in front of us (with their boyfriends?) and we watched as their dancing became more and more erratic. Sara was sure that at least one of them would fall down, but I wasn’t so sure… One girl spilled her wine a little, and the other was on her way toward the floor when her boyfriend (who was drunk, but not as drunk as she was) heroically scooped her up an twirled her around three times with a flourish, deftly turning a near disaster into a celebration… All in all, a really great show.

  • Wow, you’re super nice when you run into drunk strangers. I should use you as my role model!

    (It may or may not be creepy to ask Amalia if she has masks of her own face. She is from Australia, after all. They might keep such things on hand to keep the beasties guessing.)

  • Oh Lollipop, you kind, understanding soul, where were you when I needed you? It should’ve been you in the girls’ washroom at my high school dance all those years ago instead of the Vice Principal, who dragged me out of the stall BY MY HAIR. Also, how recent is that pic because you look thirty – Sheesh!

  • OMG this is hilarious !!!! See, such nice people come from Australia !!! LOL
    Glad you had a good time and thank you for looking after Danielle’s friend. I’d like to think that if K was ever in that situation someone would help her out (although thankfully her wildly drunk days seem to be a thing of the past – good job she’s learned that there is no point in getting older if you don’t get wiser !!! LOL). I hope Amalia drank the water like you told her to.
    Have the best Sunday and an even better week xox

  • You do attract the strangest people – I’m Australian and I don’t know a single person who talks fast……wait a minute, my mum says my daughter talks so fast she can’t understand her. So maybe it’s a 20 something Aussie thing. Glad you did you bit for inter country relations – and Randy managed to contain himself in that area 🙂

    • well, this girl was 31 ( I know a lot about her in the 5 minutes or so that we talked). So, heavy accent, drink and a fast talker and I still understood about 75% of what she said. Haha.

  • I once found a bestie on a subway. We had such a lively conversation, then exchanged emails, then it turned out she was trying to recruit me into her church. So yeah, no Amalia.
    Keep us posted on future developments, lollipop.

  • I like lollipop a lot! Had a drunken guy years ago call me Dolly, as in you are a doll and then Dolly but he made sure to say not like Dolly Parton but like a doll, etc drunken garble talk. Fast forward a decade or more and my husband will occasionally call me Dolly. He says it just came to him and I like it a whole lot better when he says it then remembering the drunken boy.

  • Fucking HI-LAR-I-OUS! Be honest, was there a tiny bit of jealousy happening because of the fleeting romance between Randy and Drunk girl #2?

  • Nice to know there are other people who don’t walk past other humans who need help. Amalia mask? Randy is a scream. Have I mentioned how very envious I am that you were in Nashville. I might mention it once or twice more!
    🙂

  • It appears that everywhere you go and everything you do is just fucking hilarious.

    And Randy is pretty funny too.

    Good for you for helping that poor thing in the bathroom. Good Samaritan for the win!

  • This is the funniest thing, do these kind of things happen to you often. This is too crazy, two drunk girls in one night, woohoo!. This brings me back to college cleaning up after my drunk roomate, saying I love you, you’re so good to me, lol :). I’m glad you tried to help, I would have done the same thing:)

  • Hilarious! Lollipop! Buhahah! Young drunks girls can be very entertaining. I got hog tied and dragged (pun very much intended I’m ashamed to admit) to a Professional Bull Riding event in an indoor stadium. The bull riding was boring as hell but we spotted this girl several rows up in a exponentially increasing state of inebriation. We knew it was going to end badly for her but she wasn’t very receptive to the idea of drinking more water. The inevitable came when she took a header into the row of seats below her. We all rushed to her side just in time to see her spring up with blood streaming from her nose, but somehow she had managed to keep her open cup of beer in hand without spilling a drop! Here’s to the Amalias of the world.

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