Personally, I always wanted to be a fake fortune teller.
Wouldn’t that be a great job? Just making up wild shit and getting paid for it? I could get paid to LIE.
Best. Job. Ever.
I’d have to hire my work friend, because she’s just as miserable at her job as I am mine. I’d bill her as the embodiment of my long dead cat who whispers messages to me from the other side. Plus she’s really pretty and sexy and who doesn’t love a pretty girl who used to be a kitten? I shall call her Miss KittyWhiskers
I think my first order of business is to come up with a set of good solid fortunes that I can recycle. Things I can change a little here and there to keep them fresh.
Madame Michelle’s standard fortunes:
“Your first husband will leave you for cardboard cutouts of the Olsen twins”.
“You will live a long and mostly boring life. When you’re old, you will decide to face your fears and try sky diving. You will explode into multi-colored confetti and rain down on a group of pre-schoolers who are visiting the zoo”.
“After you die, your children will start a cult that requires digging up the bones of their dead parents. It’s going to be fairly disgusting”.
“Your second husband is going to leave you for a Jamaican Nascar driver”.
“You will win millions in the lottery, however, you will lose it all investing in a company that rents out Robert Downey Jr. Look-a-likes. Which really is your fault. There is only one”.
“You will meet the love of your life at a Build-A-Bear store. An ex-con named Bigs”.
“You will slowly be driven mad by an old lady who taps her cane on your bedroom window”.
“Your front lawn will be overrun by robot chipmunk thugs. You will eventually be imprisoned for being an accessory to their drug ring”.
“You live enough days to reach the half century mark and find yourself in a cubicle with no motivation and perhaps writing silly fortunes instead of working”.
Okay, that’s all I have for now.
A few questions. Do you think I can qualify for grant money? Also, do you have a children’s birthday party coming up? I will charge reasonable rates.
You might just qualify for a grant or some kind of assistance being a fortune teller. One opened a shop near my house. I’ve never seen a single soul go in, yet it has been in business for over a year.
Though, really, it could be a crack den.
Woo hoo!!!!
I’d hire you! Husband and I were plotting to give away goldfish as birthday party favors this year so that we never have to throw another one. But hiring you would involve less death. Or at least a lower potential for animal torture. (I hope.)
I will let Miss KittyWhiskers know we have a job. Give me a guest list and highlight the ones you want me to freak out really bad..like nightmare shit.
Does it have to be a childrens party?? Cause I’d hire ya for an adult party. Get ’em hammered, then bring you out to tell fortunes. Should be a lot of fun.
It does NOT have to be. It would be more fun fucking with drunk adults, anyway..errr..fucking as in messing with them..not actually fucking them. I wouldn’t be that kind of fortune teller.
Love it! Too funny!
Thank you so much!!
I loathe my job, as well…. can you hire me too!?!?! Please! 😉
You’re just going to have to find a Bob to interview with..