Four People, One Box

“I am a little worried about the wild pigs because I am goddamn delicious.”

That is an actual sentence I spoke on the 4th of July. Randy and I spent a week with our mountain friends where it rained every single day and felt perfect.

Oddly enough, this isn’t the first conversation we’ve had which involved the possibility of me getting eaten. In fact, we have never, even once, visited where the topic of me getting eaten isn’t discussed.

But I’ll tell you more about that in a minute. First, the box.

I almost couldn’t make the headline because I still measure time in before I knew about two girls, one cup and after knowing about two girls, one cup. I really wish I had the innocence I had when I was 44 years old and blissfully unaware of how disturbing the internet can be.

Get one job with a bunch of tech guys the same age as your young adult children and count on being scarred by the information they gleefully share with you. 

But I digress.

Four people, one box isn’t quite accurate. It should be 5 people, one box. Then, I decided this was a sort of 3 Musketeers situation. You know, there were 3 musketeers, but D’Artagnan was kind of the 4th musketeer.  Only, instead of 4 people we had 5.

Worst word problem ever: If D’Artagnan is in the mountains and watches a disturbing video on the internet about girls pooping in a cup while dodging wild pigs, then how many potatoes will it take for the sky to be plaid? 

Mountain Girl had a friend stay with her for a few weeks. I would call her D’Artagnan, but in this scenario, I think Mountain Girl, the Bass Player and Mountain Girl’s friend would be Athos, Aramis and Porthos and Randy and I would both be D’Artagnan. So, instead, since I’ve only ever almost met her, I will call Mountain Girl’s friend Maris, after Niles Crane’s wife on Frasier. The math was just getting too difficult to continue the 3 Musketeer scenario.

Anyway, Mountain Girl had this little pine box and a set of oil based markers in different colors. While Maris visited, she decorated the cover of the box. Mountain Girl and the Base Player decorated underneath the box. Maris left a note for me inside the box along with the markers inviting me to continue the decorations.

I worked on two sides and then decided that the 4 of us should finish. I got a little compulsive and didn’t want any pine showing anywhere on the box. I needed help. Randy and I sat in Mountain Girl and the Bass Player’s studio and passed markers around, each adding our own touch to the box.

While we worked on the box, we played a new game. Bad Youtube Ball.

We play a lot of games that end in “ball”. Gong ball. Word ball. Youtube ball.

Bad Youtube ball means taking turns coming up with the worst song we can think of while drinking. We colored, drank, and tortured each other with wretched songs. It’s actually more fun than you would think.

Randy kept track of our bad songs. I don’t want to keep all the greatness to myself, so enjoy! At least one of these songs will make you want to stick an ice pick in your ear.

Paralyzed by Lonesome Stardust Cowboy

Ride Em Cowboy by Juice Newton

Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda by Alan Sherman

Teddy Bear By Red Sovine

They’re Coming To Take Me Away Ha Ha by Napoleon 14th

Run Joey Run By David Geddes

Honey by Bobby Goldsboro

A Man and a Woman By Francis Lai

Wheel In The Sky by Journey

Blind Man’s Penis by John Trubee

Timothy by The Buoys

Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band

Bonanza theme song

Look At Them Beans by Johnny Cash

I was the clear winner at Bad Youtube Ball with the song Timothy.  Although, that Johnny Cash song is terrible. That was one of  Mountain Girl’s picks. Don’t get me wrong, I adore Johnny Cash. But that song sucks ass. I also dominated at Gong Ball and am the current Gong Ball champion of the world. This is after being the abysmal loser for years.

Okay, so I said I’d get back to getting eaten by wild pigs.

Mountain Girl had seen a herd of wild pigs right next to their house recently. It’s a decent walk from their house to our cabin and I did not want to get eaten by pigs.

We had our car at the house, but we had consumed copious amounts and backing up was not a wise move. It’s the mountains. The peaks aren’t scary in that situation, but the valleys could be deadly. The Bass Player offered to help us out.

Bass Player: I can drive your car up if you want.

Me: I dunno. You’re pretty drunk. What’s the more likely scenario? I get eaten by pigs or you wreck our car?

Bass Player: Oh, me wrecking your car is way more likely.

Me: Yeah, we’ll just walk.

We made it the whole week without being accosted by wild pigs. One night a bug flew in my mouth, though.

 

Oh, and the answer to the word problem is 42. It takes 42 potatoes to turn the sky plaid. The answer is always 42, you know that.

One more thing. And I am being completely serious here. If you don’t know about two girls, one cup, DO NOT GOOGLE IT. You don’t want to see it. You don’t want to know about it. Trust me. If you do not heed my advice, I don’t want to hear any complaints. You’ve been warned.

I lied, there is still one more tiny thing. I mentioned a few posts ago that I got Randy tickets to see Elvis Costello for his birthday. We saw the show last Tuesday in this horrible swampy heat and it was goddamn amazing.

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45 comments

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  • Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ‘how many potatoes will it take for the sky to be plaid?’
    The best thing I’ve read all week.
    🙂

  • Wow. I feel like I just came out of a rabbit hole. That sounds like some week. I’m glad you didn’t get eaten by wild pigs but concur with your assessment. You would indeed be delicious. Hopefully you were sober by the time you got to work.

    (And I already knew about the girls. My memory isn’t so good…but I believe it had something to do with Kermit the Frog, so don’t google those two search terms together.)

    Hugs.

  • Well, I knew the exaggerated number of times you have tried something is always 42. As in–“I tried to call you 42 TIMES!” I didn’t know other people knew. My mind is blown at the cosmic power of 42.

    PS: I am studiously ignoring the other part of your blog, except for the box and the pigs, but I just finished reading My Dang Blog’s Week 112, and it’s only 7:24 am. I am afraid for the rest of my day.

    PPS: Love the box. What a great idea.

  • Of COURSE the answer is ALWAYS 42…. unless it’s 12.
    Sometimes, it’s 12.
    Thank you for the warning on the ‘two girls-one cup.’ I appreciate the tease, but am in no shape for ‘boy humor.’ LOL
    The boxes are beautiful! A fitting tribute to your 3 Musketeers analogy… I think it was an analogy… there WAS a lot of math…
    I’m sorry a bug flew in your mouth, but the alternative of being wild pig fodder is probably a good trade, all around… AND you were able to drive your car home, so… WINNING!
    I LOVE Afternoon Delight…
    Just sayin’…

  • I didn’t believe there was actually a song called “Blind Man’s Penis” so I clicked the link. Yup. The only thing better than the title are the opening lyrics, “I got high last night/On LSD…” Underneath, it says the song is about Stevie Wonder. I am NOT going to look at two girls and one cup, I am not going to look at two girls and one cup…

  • My brother and I had a competition a few years back about who could come up with the worst song. The bad thing was, it was different from youtube ball because it had to come from our CD collections, which meant that we’d actually paid for the song…

    I’m glad you survived the pigs. Now I need to go google how many people get eaten by pigs each year. There were a couple in that Silence of the Lambs sequel a few years back, including poor Gary Oldman.

  • Two girls and a cup, two girls and a cup…it’s like some godforsaken song stuck in my head. I know that at some point, I will have to google that to make it stop. I’m curious in that even though I’ve been warned not to look kinda’ way. And Kermit??? Now I must know!

    I’m thrilled to hear that you were neither eaten by wild pigs nor hurled down the side of a mountain in a car with a bunch of drinking buddies having your last thoughts being some rendition of Blind Man’s Penis. Yet another thing now stuck in my head. That I will have to click.

    Two girls, a cup, a frog, and a blind man’s penis. I should just go ahead and pour a glass of wine. It’s going to be a strange, and possibly disturbing, day.

  • I’m in the struggle for my life trying not to google it! This is totally off subject but I swear I just saw a man ride by my window on top of a van. Odd. I’m leaving for the mountains in 6 days and I cannot wait!!!!!

  • Hey — Allan Sherman shouldn’t be on there. He was a fine satirist of the early 1960s. Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah is a classic.

  • We HAD that Allan Sherman album. I would crawl under the stereo (because back then it was a ginormous piece of furniture on legs) and listen to comedy albums. Bob Newhart’s routine’s still make me laugh. Bill Cosby doesn’t seem so funny now.

  • I know there are some true horrors lurking on the internet so I won’t look up two girls. I know there are horrors because the first time I went to YouTube there was Leonard Nimoy’s song “Bilbo”, which you’re welcome to use the next time you play YouTube ball.

  • Never seen 2 girls 1 cup. Never wanted to, really.
    We used to have a “game” (if you could call it that) that we would do at house dinners at the warehouse space where we lived a few years ago. We would discuss who we thought would taste the best in a “we’re trapped and starving so cannibalism” scenario. (Speaking of which, I remember when “Timothy” was on the radio). Usually it was our housemate Michelle, as we figured she had the healthiest diet. Before her it was Erica, who was cheerful and I can’t remember what the rest of the reasoning was.
    The box looks beautiful, and fun.
    Wild pigs can be scary, but usually tend to run away unless you have done one of the animal no-no’s (got between a sow and her babies, charged their territory, shot their mate, etc.) but they are no joke if you accidentally piss them off.
    My friend Sara, the one who recently had brain surgery, just sent me a text to tell me she had just gone parasailing, so I’m taking that as “my recovery is going well…”
    I’ve never had potatoes turn the sky plaid, but I have had some mushrooms turn it paisley once…
    I will add one choice to your bad Youtube ball list: DOA by Bloodrock.

  • Ah yes, but have you heard THIS?

    Detachable Penis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byDiILrNbM4

    or THIS?

    Fish Heads: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ebu0DDEZEds

    … and yah… I probably saw (a small portion of) TGOC right around the time you did (small portion cuz once I realized what it was I turned that shit off as fast as my finger could move), and I also will always regret that fateful day when my innocence was forever destroyed. I feel your pain on that one.

  • Fuck me. Your warning came too late and I can never, ever unsee that. Must purge my browsing history. I would like to be eaten by wild pigs now please.

  • This is great post, funny, and being eaten by wild pigs is definitely a relatable concern I would have in that situation. But you mentioned Two Girls, One Cup and I’m having war flashbacks, so that’s all I can think about, now.

  • About 37 years ago, yikes! my husband introduced me to Mason Williams. He owned the album that had “Prince’s Panties” on it. OMG! Talk about an earworm. Still there.

  • I was wracking my brain for a song I remembered from years ago and finally remembered it. It’s called “Dead Skunk In the Middle of the Road” by Loudin Wainwright (who sings very well, regardless of the song title). You can add that to your list, and hopefully stymie the others!

By Michelle

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