Very little about this post will make sense.
There are a number of reasons for this.
One, and this is paramount, I took tomorrow off because I wanted a vacation day where I actually feel decent and it’s my birthday. But that’s not the reason. Since I’m starting a 3 day weekend, I decided to celebrate with a few cocktails.
Another reason is that Randy and I spent about an hour making each other laugh until we cried. And we knew that nearly everything we talked about would be gone forever. We were too busy making each other laugh to write anything down.
Me: Okay, okay. Let’s just remember “4 sticks of butter” and “inka dinka doo”. That will bring all this back.
Randy: Yeah. Yeah, that should do it.
Now? I got nothing. No idea what that means, but I do know, that about 90 minutes ago, it was some funny shit.
Okay, I have a slight memory, but that’s not the point.
I totally warned you this would make no sense, so try to keep up.
Anyway, Randy put The Sopranos on TV and I left the room. I love The Sopranos, but life is upsetting and surreal right now. It’s been upsetting and weird for years now. It’s exhausting. I want to watch something funny.
I walked out on our front porch to see what weather we were experiencing.
We’ve gone from mid sixties to ice and snow and back again a few times.
Cold and rainy. Cold and rainy is really better than ice and snow, but that doesn’t mean that cold and rainy doesn’t suck ass.
We have a few outdoor cats in our neighborhood. The only kitties who visit me are tabbies. Little Kitty and then the tabby down the street whose name I don’t know. I call him, Mean Kitty. I call him that because he beats up Little Kitty sometimes.
So, Mean Kitty trotted up the porch and he was not even a little happy about the weather.
Mean Kitty: MAAUUUU (Oh my god, do you see this shit? It sucks. I’m wet. I hate this.)
Me: Hey buddy.
MK: MAAUUU (Did you not hear me? Have you no heart? I am uncomfortable.)
Me: I know. I’m sorry. It’s cold.
MK: MAAUUU (Do you, perhaps have any food?)
I called Randy from the front porch.
Me: Mean Kitty is wet and cold and really sad. Can you bring out some food?
Randy: We don’t want to do that.
Me: But he’s really cold. I think he needs food.
Randy: He’ll never leave and he has a home.
Me: Yeah. Yeah, okay. That’s probably best.
Then I went in the house and I thought how weird it was that we ended our conversation by saying “Bye” to each other. My porch and living room are right next to each other. If I had been in the living room and called out to Randy and we had a conversation where we couldn’t see each other, we wouldn’t end the conversation with “bye”. We’d just stop talking when we were done talking.
Humans are weird.
Okay, four sticks of butter.
Randy and I watched a video about a box cake mix hack.
Basically, it’s this: Most box cakes call for a cup of water, a half cup of vegetable oil and 3 eggs. The hack is, you use milk instead of water, 4 eggs instead of 3 eggs and 2 sticks of melted butter instead of the vegetable oil. And a box of pudding.
We did a lemon cake using this method and for all that is fucking holy, it was amazing. I also made buttercream icing. So, 4 sticks of butter in a single cake.
We were talking about how we would change it up and make it chocolate, and whenever Randy would talk I would whisper “4 sticks of butter” and “that’s a lot of butter” and “holy shit, we’re gonna die”. It made Randy laugh. I mean, I guess this is totally a “guess you had to be there” situation.
Inka dinka doo
We weren’t just laughing over the obscene amount of butter in our new favorite cake recipe, we were also laughing over what our sincere reaction would be if both of our cats started laughing like humans. In case you are wondering, that can never happen because it doesn’t end well for us or the cats.
In the middle of the revelry, there was an odd noise.
Randy: What the fuck was that?
Me: My glass.
Randy: Your ass?
Me: My GLASS. the ice settled and made a weird binka dink tinky tink sound.
Randy: Inka dinka doo.
Me: You are so fucking old. Jimmy Durante? Really?
Randy: Need I point out that you got the reference?
Randy: Happy birthday.
Now excuse me. I need to drink some water and get some sleep. I’m not a baby anymore you know. I’ll be goddamn sixty next year.