It is after 10 on a Tuesday night.

I’m usually at least thinking about going to sleep by now. I haven’t even taken a shower yet. My back feels like there’s a knife in it and my right elbow is furious with me.

We’ve been taking care of last minute details all evening. Tomorrow our house is officially for sale. We have 4 showings scheduled already just from the “coming soon” thingy our agent set up. He expects quite a few more requests tomorrow.

I’ve learned a lot. For instance, there are chores that shouldn’t be last minute chores.

I went down to the basement to shop vac the floor one last time when I decided to look up.

The ceiling had a real “haunted house” vibe.

Holy shit, the amount of cobwebs I took down. I was a little afraid that I would awaken a nest of spider demons or something. We’ve had some huge fucking spiders down there. My skin still has that creepy crawly feeling.

The backyard is far from perfect, but it’s at least on the low side of passable.

I did have a weird moment in the backyard earlier.

I had taken the oven racks out to the table on the deck to spray them down with the toxic ass oven cleaner. By the way, this is another “detail” that should have been handled way before the night before.

Anyway, I checked out the tree stumps that never got removed. The two rose of sharon bushes that came from starts from my mother in law’s bushes appear to be dead. Randy’s sister gave them to me after my mother in law died. I felt sad for a minute, but I thought since we were leaving, that maybe it was time to let them go as well.

Then I looked over to the side of the back yard at the tiny little lilac bush.

The lilac bush came from a start from my mother in law. It was a twig. It stayed a twig. It was a twig for a number of years. Then it sprouted a few more branches and got slightly bigger. Every year, I assume it will die over the winter, and every year it comes back.

The lilac bush has never gotten over maybe a foot to 18 inches tall. It’s still only that tall. Only now, for the first time since I planted it 9 years ago, it has tiny little lilac blooms on it.

I’m not into signs or anything. I’m fairly skeptical of people reaching out from beyond, but I will admit, for one brief moment, I thought Bonnie was telling me it will be okay.

Now, I’m going to take a shower and try to fall asleep before midnight.

I am going to finish this post tomorrow night, after all the showings are finished.

I don’t want to wish my life away, but I really wish I had a TARDIS so I could pop ahead a day and see how it went.


Okay, Wednesday night at after 8:00.

Wow, there are so many ways this day could have gone. So many. If I had a choice, the way this day went wouldn’t have been my first choice. I can define how I feel about this day the way my beautiful niece used to rank people when she was very small.

If you were in beautiful niece’s good graces, then you were at the top of the list. If you were not, then you were at the very bottom of the list underneath all the dead bugs.

This day is definitely covered in bug carcasses.

Being barred from your house when all you want in life is to be in your house is fucked up. My anxiety was bad enough that my ability to swallow was affected. And we had no where to go. Randy, Joey and I ended up at a TGI Fridays where I broke down in tears more than once.

We had 10 showings today. So far, from the feedback we’ve gotten, the general consensus is “Meh”. The tree stumps in the back garnered one negative review. We should have dealt with the tree stumps. Also, we somehow should make all the bedrooms bigger. 

I don’t think “meh” can help us, even in a seller’s market.

Also, my nerve endings are a bit raw. I poured my heart into fixing this house up. For over a year I was mostly pleased with the results. I think it might be possible that I suck at this.

I woke up with a sinus infection or a cold or something this morning and Randy’s knee is twice it’s normal size. So, that sucks. Then, about 30 minutes before I was set to leave my job for the day, an enormous, gut churning and critical issue was dropped in my lap.

I had to do an upgrade about a month and a half ago. My anxiety was through the roof, but it ended up being okay. Except now I’m finding out over a month later that it wasn’t so fine after all. If I had to rank stressful work situations that I’ve had over the past 30 years, this one ranks first. Maybe first and second. This issue is not resolved. It is identified, but now I have to fix it and it is time sensitive. So, my favorite scenario. Fixing something critical under the gun. Yay. Oh, yeah, and this happening when I’m goddamn sick and trying to handle the stress of selling, or rather, not selling a house that everyone hates.

Then there was the Alfie incident.

The kitties were set up in their carriers. The carriers are super big and could hold a litter pan and food and toys and water. I hated putting them in there for so long, but I thought boarding them would cause Alfie even more stress. Alfie the kitty enjoys change as much as president yam head enjoys telling the truth.

So, he nearly clawed through the carrier. He dumped his water and got cat litter in it which turned into a sort of cat litter cement on the backs of his hind legs. Alfie doesn’t enjoy having his hind legs touched when they aren’t covered in kitty litter concrete, so cleaning him up, thus far, has been fruitless and stressful. Still not sure how that is going to work out, other than I’m going to be sweeping up kitty litter from all over the house before 6:00 am tomorrow.

You guys, I cannot convey how very much an asshole I feel about the kitties. There is just no good way to handle this situation with a highly anxious kitty. Alfie and I get each other when it comes to anxiety. I don’t think Gertie loved being locked up for hours today, but at least she didn’t trash her space like Johnny Depp in a Super 8. We’re getting a big wire cage tomorrow for Alfie so he will have more space. Also, as of right now, there aren’t any back to back showings, so hopefully we’ll get longer breaks through out the day.

Also, Brett, our real estate agent, encouraged us to put knobs on our kitchen cabinets. Tonight, after the last showing was finally goddamn over, I got a glass out of the cabinet for some water and I got my finger stuck between the knob and the cabinet and pinched the shit out of it. It hurts to type the letters “I”, “O” and “M”.

All in all, a shit show of a day.

Here’s to hoping that Thursday is better. For all that is fucking holy, it has to be. Spare me a good thought.

Or better yet, tell me something funny. This is a challenge from me to you. Because I think it’s going to be super hard to make me laugh tomorrow.

Also, this kind of solidifies my stance that signs are bullshit.


Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. mydangblog says:

    Selling a house is incredibly stressful. I’ve done it and hated it too. The last time we moved, we put both our cats, who’d always gotten along, in the same big cage, and they actually went for each other. Scary and unexpected. As for funny, I asked Ken to buy spinach and raspberries so that I could have a salad when I came home. I opened the fridge and half the raspberries were gone. The container of spinach was unopened. That’s my man.

  2. So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed in the front of his pants. The bartender asks, “Why’d you do that?” The pirate says, “Because it drives me nuts!”
    There’s a metaphor in there somewhere about how we sometimes put ourselves through crazy things in order to get to something better, but mainly I hope that just makes you laugh, or at least smile.
    And, like you, I don’t believe in signs, but at the same time I say take ’em when they come. The fact that you noticed those blooms is your brain’s way of saying, yes, everything is covered in kitty litter concrete that’s also on fire right now, but beneath the stumps and the cobwebs and bug carcasses there’s something new waiting for you.

  3. I love you. Sending good vibes to your house and you and everyone.

  4. Fiona says:

    Us juniors wanted to call our first cat Geronimo but Mum refused to have to call Geronimo in at night. She was worried about what the neighbours would think. It’s only now that I realise calling to a cat is pretty pointless whatever their name.

    • Michelle says: true. Although Randy can call Gertie by name and she almost always runs to him. I can call her til I’m blue in the face and she just ignores me.

  5. Darlene says:

    Michelle have no fear…buyers always find problems to drive the price down…if you bite. Don’t! We sold our house in a frenzied buyers market and we got just shy of a fortune for a run down bungalow in a great neighbourhood. This is not a joke! Everything will work out …I promise.
    Been there done that…passed on the tshirt.

  6. Nancy says:

    Ask yourself one thing. Did yoy do YOUR best? If so, fuck everything else. Whatever happens happens and you couldn’t have done any better!

  7. Doug in Oakland says:

    It would have been a bit odd to sell it the first day, no?
    OK, I hope you’re feeling better, and here’s the joke:

    I was walking down the block and saw a cat meowing at a door to get in, with no response from those inside, so I went and rang the doorbell for it.
    As I walked a bit farther down the block, I heard the door open, and then a male voice exclaim “Fuck me! The cat just rang the doorbell!”

    It will be OK. As my speech pathologist had tacked to her office wall:
    “Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”

  8. Linda says:

    I haven’t left a message for ages but seeing as you are looking for something to make you laugh – this is what I have. I read it ages ago but I still chuckle when I think about it.

    A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey – what are you doing ?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint – come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend”
    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says that his mouth is dry and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
    At the riverbank, the lizard is so far stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
    Then he asks the lizard “What’s the matter with you ?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in !
    The inquisitive crocodile says that he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey Monkey” The monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK DUDE ………………….. how much water did you drink ?”

    I hope this made you smile. Having sold two homes in my life time and suffering from anxiety too -I totally understand how you are feeling. I wanted to tell the agent not to tell us the negative things people said about our home – we loved it and if they didn’t love it they could fuck off but don’t say negative things just for the sake of saying something. If it’s not suitable for you – fine – just say “It’s not quite what we were looking for ?”

    Sending big hugs from Australia xox

    • Michelle says:

      Hello my friend from down under!! Nice to see you. And I love the joke! I at least smiled.

      The negative feedback chafes. I have worked my ass off on this house.

  9. It’s end of day Thursday, and I hope today was much better. Without going into details, let me say that I’ve already claimed the title of “Worst Home Sale in Human History,” so trust me, you’ll be fine. Your kitties will be fine, you’ll be fine, and even though you might never escape breaking out in a light sweat when you think about this experience, you WILL be able to laugh about it at some point. Good luck, my girl!

  10. Signs may be bullshit, but lilacs are the best. (Naturally, my favorite flower blooms for only one week out of the year)

    Let’s see, something funny… My friend posted on Facebook that her phone was bricked and my idiotic reaction was to call her to offer sympathy and support in this difficult time. Then, when she (obviously) didn’t answer, I texted her. THEN I realized why I was being stupid.

    So, you know… in case it makes you feel better to point and laugh at others, that’s what I’m good for.

  11. Kristin S says:

    Fuck. Stumps.

    Seriously. We have one, because a tree fell a week before listing our house, fortunately missing everything it could have obliterated (but for our fence, but between car, our house or neighbor’s, yeah. We were lucky). Chipper guys chipped the forty foot pussy willow from hell, and said they would come back to grind the stump. We need to have it done before closing in two weeks. So this… Has been a couple months.

    I digress. But first, fuck stumps.

    I am so sorry. I mean, that was a surprising thing for us too… What kind of hell showings are. We had a showing and two open houses (opposite order) and we were like… If this drags out, can we just do a fucking raffle, please? You know it is going to be the stuff of Satan, and then it is happening and it is a shit ton worse than you ever imagined.

    Glitter. Someone brought glitter covered kids (or strippers. I don’t know) to our open house, and I am hoping that we have the stump gone and the fucking glitter eradicated before closing.

    But we have three pugs… And truly, it was hard with them… Taking them somewhere for four hour blocks, especially because they know we have been weird for weeks. I can’t even imagine what it is like with cats. I mean, at least the park and then any store within a 25 mile radius with “pet” in the name is safe enough with dogs (sorry Carpet Warehouse), but cats… Yeah, I know it probably isn’t helpful, but that would give me anxiety too.

    It was enough for us that when we got offers, anyone that waived inspection got some big ass bonus points. Not because we necessarily felt strongly about people having a huge purchase inspected, but because we didn’t want to have another day in that ten day period where we had the dogs out for hours. We would not have made it.

    You will make it. I have faith in you. You might be a screaming mess by the end and have ground your teeth down to little pegs, but it’s okay. You will have made it. And everyone who has walked that path understands.

    You can do this. Without resorting to murder. Also, fuck stumps.

  12. Red says:

    I’ve never sold a house, so I have no genuine commiseration to share, although I do get anxious when things aren’t perfect, so I’m sort of with you in spirit.

    Something funny? I live in China, and the other day I saw Snickers bars with the red wrapper. I was excited and surprised so I got one to share with my husband.
    We tasted it; I couldn’t discern any peanut butter flavor, and then I felt a warm tingling at the back of my throat – the red wrappers in China mean chili pepper, not peanut butter!