Getting Old Isn’t For Wussies


I was going to say ‘pussies’ but I already get a shit ton of traffic for chicken porn and goat porn and I don’t want to make it worse…which I guess I just did. And today I’m going to talk about the dildo cam so I’m pretty sure from today on out, all my traffic will be coming from perverts.

I’ve been sick this week. I know!  That is so not like me. Other than most of the days this entire fucking year. It seems the older I get, the more I get to know my doctors.

I’ve been having some severe pain in my side and they ruled out appendicitis and now I have to get checked for ovarian cysts. Which means I have to get a transvaginal ultrasound. yay.

I’ve had one before, so I know what to expect. It’s not fun and the technician I had last time was a big fat liar. I saw the wand and must have looked terrified because she said “Oh, don’t worry…I only insert about an inch and a half”.

Yeah, she gave me some ‘just the tip’ bullshit.

I figured, if I’m going to have to suffer through the dildo cam again, I might as well write a funny blog post about it.

Except I can’t.

I’m angry.

I don’t care about having this procedure. Sure, it’s undignified and uncomfortable, but I can take it and it’s necessary. There is a medical reason for me to succumb to the dildo cam.

Let me start by saying I am not providing links to back this shit up. I found them fairly easy, and if I can, then anyone can.

I am angry because 4 states require a transvaginal ultrasound before an abortion can be performed. Arizona, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas.

There is no medical reason to have a transvaginal ultrasound for an abortion. None. In my mind, what this boils down to is this: Oh, yes, you can have an abortion if you choose to, but we’re going to punish you for it. We’re going to make you suffer a completely unnecessary sexual assault for your abortion. You will feel pain in your vagina, because you deserve to feel pain. We are going to strip away your dignity, because you are a woman who dared to fuck.

This isn’t about whether or not abortion should be legal. The fact is, it is legal. Why can’t a woman have a perfectly legal medical procedure in the least intrusive way possible? Why?

What’s the first rule of doctor club?

First, do no harm. 

Well, I’ve had one of these ultrasounds and it is harmful. It hurts. It puts you in an extremely vulnerable and undignified position. I would never agree to have this done if it weren’t a medical necessity. I’m not angry for me, I’m choosing to have a necessary procedure. I am angry for all the woman who are being forced to endure this procedure when it is completely unnecessary.

Why does our government continually want to punish us for the crime of being born without a penis?

I feel angry about this and then I get the avalanche of feelings and resentment that I feel when I hear politicians trying to strip away the rights of women. Why is suppressing access to reproductive healthcare so goddamn vital to running the country?

There are countless and never ending debates about access to birth control and access to abortions. We are struggling to define rape (fucking REALLY?). We have horrifying issues with sexual assault in the military and on college campuses. We are still justifying why women should get equal pay.

Elections are coming up. I’m becoming less and less convinced that it matters who we elect, but that doesn’t mean I won’t vote. Please do the same.

Something has to change. Our daughters need us.

I hesitated to post this. I know that people have strong feelings regarding abortion. I was afraid of offending people. Then I watched the news unfold about that amazing young woman Malala Yousafzai winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I can’t my head around how brave she is.

I aspire to her bravery and thought, you know…if this child is brave enough to put her life on the line for an education, perhaps you can be brave enough to stand behind your feelings in a blog post.

I will leave you with this quote:

“The terrorists thought they would change my aims and stop my ambitions, but nothing changed in my life except this: weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born … I am not against anyone, neither am I here to speak in terms of personal revenge against the Taliban or any other terrorist group. I’m here to speak up for the right of education for every child. I want education for the sons and daughters of the Taliban and all terrorists and extremists.” – Malala Yousafzai




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  • Bravo!
    Yes they hurt, you definitely wouldn’t want one unless it was necessary and no woman should be subjected to this unless absolutely necessary!

  • Unless I missed something, my beautiful state was one of the forerunners in making this form of ultrasound mandatory for those considering abortion.

    Because waiting 24 hours wasn’t already enough. It’s not buying a car, FFS.

  • i had this procedure 20 yrs ago. not nice not comfortable.
    first off dildo cam is straight up the very best name ever.

    i had no idea this is business as usual for an abortion in the states mention or anywhere. how humiliating. so unreasonable.
    my first thought… my poor daughters if they ever had to go through such a degrading assault on top of the terribly emotional situation of an abortion.
    this is the kind of shit that makes my blood boil.
    i”m with you appalling. sickening.

    • I liked this technician better than the first one and the technology seems to have changed as the cam wasn’t quite godzilla sized this time..but still..not very fucking comfortable either

  • I love you for this. SO much. Abso-‘effin-lutely! I’ve had that type of ultrasound a few times, for medically necessary reasons, and it doesn’t matter. It’s still an unsettling and unnerving experience. The last time, a few months ago, I thought the exact same thing. This sucks. But it would REALLY suck if this was not necessary and a shaming tactic by asshole politicians and nut job activists. But I was too chicken shit to even think about writing about it. I have had thoughts of starting an anonymous personal blog to write about some of these things that I care about. I just don’t have the time at this point. And honestly, it makes me kind of ashamed that I would only do this kind of post anonymously. And being punished for not having a penis? That pretty much sums it up. Sadly.

    • Oh sister…don’t feel ashamed. We are all exactly where we are in regards to what we are comfortable with. I am very protective over my blog and the content…which doesn’t make it good or bad, but it IS mine. I’ve got drafts and drafts of things I’m still not willing to say and I’m fine with that. 🙂

      And I’m still a little anxious over posting this anyway. 🙂

  • It seems amazing that these issues are still being debated over and over again. I have to admire Justin Trudeau for tweeting that the days when old men got to decide what women do with their bodies is over, and deciding that members of his party must follow his stance on these issues.

  • I can’t believe this. I don’t want to believe this but you can’t make this shit up. Yes men do have issues too, but take any look at governmentioned and women, the ones who fight harder than the men, are the ones pressured. The birth control issues, rape issues, abortion. If a woman gets an abortion half the time she doesn’t seem to be able to look at herself the same because if anyone finds out then she will be judged. We need to change this mindset.

    How about we take a month or two and put the men through the fucking bullshit that women have to go through for things like birth control.

    • I would settle for women being treated with respect and dignity.

      And you are right, we do have to change our mindset. No more slut shaming, no more blaming the victim and no more beating up women for liking sex. It’s so fucking STUPID. Men want sex, women want sex…it seems like that would MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY.

  • I personally don’t believe that abortion is just a “medical procedure”, but that opinion comes from having two miscarriages in my late twenties. Women can do what they choose to do and I respect that- I just don’t understand why it is a loss of life if you want the baby but a medical procedure if you don’t. Anyway, I think I understand why they might require an ultrasound before an abortion – to force women to recognize that there is an actual life involved. BUT – I don’t see why it would need to be a transvaginal ultrasound – I can’t imagine any scenario that would make that necessary – and I have a pretty good imagination. That is just ludicrous!

    I have had four of the nasty things – all within the space of six months. It happened five years after my hysterectomy, when my lone remaining ovary went into hiding and started causing pain. Three regular ultrasounds and two TV ultrasounds – it’s is never a good thing when the tech is holding it at a right angle to your body – and they couldn’t find my ovary! Then exploratory surgery that yielded a small piece of fat that the lab confirmed was not my ovary. Two more TV ultrasounds – still couldn’t find it. Then to another doctor who – without even examining me – said “Oh, don’t worry – I know exactly where it is!” Turned out my ovary had crawled up in the middle of my large intestine and was being crushed by my chronic constipation. And it HURT!

    In the middle of that saga, they also treated me to a Lower GI. I can honestly say that was much worse than the TV ultrasounds. Beware if they suggest you should have one. I know “Barium Enema” sounds really cool and all, but in my experience, having glow-in-the-dark bowels is not nearly as much fun as it sounds like it would be. Although it did solve the constipation thing for a few days.

    Hopefully your problem can be solved without surgery. Worst case scenario though, I promise you that menopause is a a cornucopia of blog material!

  • My mind is with your mind. And now I can’t wait to use the “wtf would the dildo cam find that a trans-abdominal ultrasound can’t?” phrase (should my doctor every suggest it again).

  • If men could get pregnant, there would be abortion centers on every block. They act like they don’t believe women can (or will) understand the gravity of having an abortion, when they themselves don’t understand the basics of female biology. I have to stop myself from ranting now; this shit just burns me up. I did like it that they nicknamed Bob McDonnell “governor ultrasound” when he passed that law in Virginia. And it does matter who gets elected, especially at the state level. We have actually removed some restrictions on reproductive healthcare since Jerry Brown and the Democrats took over in California.
    I hope you are feeling better soon.

  • This was a wonderful post – thanks for writing it. TVUs are no fun under any circumstances – I can’t imagine being subjected to one for no valid medical reason. I hope you are healthy and well, my friend.

  • I have to be honest and say mine didn’t hurt whatsoever because the reason I had my transvaginal ultrasound was to check to see why in the world I was in such screaming pain with my period it sent me to the ER. So I didn’t notice it, I guess.

    If in order to get an abortion someone had to stick a digit or ten up an anus and the person getting the abortion was a guy I’m sure someone would think differently.

  • I have had this procedure several times. Having had four miscarriages and then three pregnancies and some other complications I have actually lost count how many times I have had this. No. I’ts not fun. Laying on a table and having something put inside you is not fun and should not be done unless there is a medical reason. Hoping that a woman, who has had to make a difficult decision for herself in the first place, is going to go through an invasive procedure and see the heart beat of a pregnancy that she has already decided she can not continue, and “change” her mind, is not a medical reason. It’s cruel. Thank you for writing about this very important issue.

    • Thank you, Kathy. I am sorry for your loss..and I understand this can be a very touchy issue, sometimes especially so for people who have suffered miscarriages and my intent is not to be insensitive to that. That aside, for people who do chose to terminate a pregnancy, there is no reason to not treat them with dignity. I agree, I don’t think making a woman listen to a heartbeat will likely change what is a difficult decision to make.

  • I actually have a date with the dildo cam this Wednesday! Ahhh, ovaries. Such delightful little creatures.

    I SO relate to your anger about this. The whole abortion debate infuriates me to no end. I actually didn’t know about having to have the dildo cam prior to abortion, but if there’s any procedure or law that’s archaic, leave it to Texas to have it. (I live here, I can say that)

  • I have had this procedure too. The technician gave the wand to me and said do you want to insert it? That surprised me but why not! I don’t understand the logic these states have for this procedure. We have so far to still achieve equality for our bodies!

    • I was not given that option! I honestly don’t know if I would have taken her up on it…the temptation to be inappropriate for shock value would be WAY too strong.

  • I love this post. I believe a woman should have a choice to do whatever she wants with her own body. Whether it is education or an abortion. I know that people will hate me for that. So what there are probably a hundred things to hate me for. And the dido cam is painful. I’ve had ovarian cysts off and on my whole life and since my daughter is pregnant with twins I have had to watch her go through it numerous times. These are medically necessary but for an abortion…I’m calling BULLSHIT!

    • I think if anyone hates you for your views…well..that’s their problem. I agree 100%. I know that people disagree, but I don’t HATE them for it. I try not to hate too’s exhausting just being as cranky as I am. Hahaha.

      It’s it is complete bullshit. It’s barbaric.

  • Yes, our daughters need us. Thank you for posting this even though it was hard to read. My daughter was raped by a male ‘friend’ and she finds any kind of vaginal examination traumatizing. I can’t imagine doctors ordering this kind of exam unless absolutely necessary. Arggg!. Blood pressure up. Tears up. Hackles up.
    Ready to fight, because flight is not an option.

  • I’ve never had the luxury of penetration by dildo cam; I hope never to experience it. I hadn’t known, until you mentioned it, that a few states require the procedure before abortions..

  • I’ve had several of these (before and after my hysterectomy and then again before my ovary got carved out this summer). I’ve never found them terribly uncomfortable and I’ve always been given the “wand” to insert myself (which I appreciated). I’m not sure what that says about me or my vajayjay that I’ve got no problem with the procedure…but there you go.

    I do have a horribly embarrassing story about a trans-vag ultrasound I had. I mean, HORRIBLY embarrassing. I just don’t know that I’ll ever be able to tell it — it is that cringe worthy.

    I totally agree that these states are forcing ultrasounds on pre-abortion patients as punishment. I also think there is a great deal of intentional humiliation and a financial “fuck you” to patients as well. Abortions aren’t covered by insurance (usually) — and since the ultrasounds are related to the abortion, I would imagine they ALSO would not be covered — and they are EXPENSIVE.

    I had abortions when I was younger — if someone told me I had to undergo a totally unnecessary, invasive, and expensive procedure in order to do so, I don’t know what I would have done. Making that decision is hard enough without this type of shit thrown in.

    • Trust me…I think most of us have at least ONE cringe worthy story that we’ll never tell. Hell, I have had one in just he past week. haha. Yeah, I wondered about the cost as well. It seems if they are required, then the patient shouldn’t have to pay, but I guess that is just crazy talk.

  • I’m glad you wrote about this.

    You have such a strong writing voice. You managed to be funny and tough and edgy and still make your point. Brilliant.

    Governor Dildo Cam for a band? Hmmm. I don’t know…

By Michelle


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