Attainable Goals For 2014


Is it necessary to preface this blog post by stating the obvious?

Most new year’s goals are abandoned like that easy bake oven you had to have when you were nine. I probably made one tiny little dried out cake in mine. I ate the cake then burned the shit out of my finger on that goddamn light bulb. I decided baking wasn’t for me and went back to my favorite game of launching Lincoln logs at my little sisters.

I’m going to make a list of goals that won’t end up making me feel like shit. Goals that I can cross off as finished.

  • Nag Randy to empty the mouse traps in the basement before it starts smelling like a serial killer lives in our house.
  • Tidy up around my makeup desk. I don’t need to get all crazy with it. Maybe just underneath it so I have a place to put my feet when I’mOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA getting ready in the morning.
  • Match up the two baskets of socks that have been in my room for over 6 months now. Which might be a lie. It’s possible it’s been longer than six months. It’s definitely been less than two years. I think. Probably less than two years. I also might push this one off until 2015.
  • Find my Winter clothes.
  • Learn how to fluently speak a second language. HAHAHAFUCKINGHAA. Okay, no..really..just try to make less typos.
  • Try extra hard to not be a supercilious douche twizzle.
  • Don’t stay silent when people say racist or bigoted or misogynistic shit.
  • Be less afraid of stupid shit and use more caution when warranted. For example, try to care less about rejection and wear my seat belt every time I’m in a car.

Oh, and lose 40 pounds, finish my writing project, start a new charity, and travel the world. But those go without saying, right?

If you wouldn’t mind, leave me a goal or two, because another 2014 goal of mine is to let other people do more of my thinking for me. Besides, I’m sure your goals for 2014 are more admirable than mine.


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  • I like goal #1. Although if it smells like you have a serial killer in your house, you are less likely to have unwanted people come over to your house.

    And this writing project… what would this be? Did I miss something? Do I get an honorable mention in the Forward? We might need to further discuss this.

    As for me thinking for you goes, I can barely think for myself half the time. I couldn’t even decide what I wanted for dinner on my own birthday. My wife and mom made those for me.

    • I’m working on an adult children of narcissists project. Mostly a collection of the blog posts with some new material mixed in. It’s slow going.

      You make a good point about the smell. Maybe we should just let sleeping mice lie.

  • Just a suggestion – please take “Try extra hard to not be a supercilious douche twizzle” off the list. Life is more fun without the extra burdens of this weighing on you!

    If I set no goals, I will not fail.

  • My attainable goals for 2014:

    1. Survive until 2015. That’s when my Mastercard expires, and I might as well take advantage of the poor judgment of those who decided that I was credit-worthy.

    2. Keep my dog alive. This is a no-brainer, but my daily to-do lists often look like this: Get up; Feed dog; Make to-do list; Go back to bed. That way I can check off all of the items and be back under the covers before noon.

    That’s all I’ve got. I don’t think you want me to do any thinking for you.

  • I think my goals for the year are to perfect my weekly goals I established this month. And also have a net worth over -20,000 dollars (damn those student loans).

    I’d like to say that I will run a lot and work my way towards a 10K, but who are we kidding. I’m not doing that.

  • Goals for next year? Not very admirable I’m afraid. 1) Survive through this never ending divorce. 2) If it ever eventually ends I hope to start to get a life again. That’ll do for now anyway

  • Sometimes, it’s like we are the same person. Well, almost. I am a neat freak, so all my socks are matched etc. However, I and a douche sometimes. Well, a lot of times. And, I could stand to lose 40 pounds.

    I LOVED this blog!!

  • You can cross off #1 as the aforementioned rodent now stiffens in a wintry grave. A 2014 head start in 2013!!

    As for #2, I’m thinking a once over with the Shop Vac could simplify the process. What are you thoughts?

    Oh…and those persistent pesky socks? You’ve been wanting to create a line RSIH swag for Etsy. Who out there in comment land could dig an aged RSIH sock puppet?

    Econdsa anguagela? eepka it implesa I aysa.

  • I love every one of your goals and I want to steal them. ALL! I’m not beyond doing it, either. BTW, Pig Latin IS considered a foreign language in some circles (mainly the midwest and deep south, because they barely understand each other as it is) and THEREFORE, you can check that off easily enough after a few lessons. I mastered it at age 5. Seriously. How hard can it be? ALSO, if ya try really hard, ya might be able to share in my joy of cussing in sign language when hubs turns his back. That’s always a real hoot. Note: You did it. I signed up for notifications. This is all your fault. Just sayin’.

    • Please feel free to steal all my goals! And then if YOU do them, then I’ll consider it a win for me! This is gonna work out great.

      I get confused by pig latin.

      And I sign behind my hubs back as well…well, just that one gesture.

  • I haven’t begun thinking of such things and now I have overwhelming anxiety…
    The place where I apply makeup (it could be anywhere, really) is ALWAYS messy. It’s montrous. I don’t think I’m ready for such a heavy goal in 2014. Maybe 2016.
    My socks never match and yet they keep my feet warm all the same.

    Um… my own goals. Gah, I really don’t know. Keep blogging? That’s about all I can handle right now. Oh, and “don’t get fired.” That will most definitely be on the list.

  • A desk…just for make up? Well someone is living the fancy nancy life!!! But seriously I want to stop working so hard for the life I don’t want and start putting all my effort into the life I do want.

    • Yeah, it’s possible I have a problem.

      I’m with you on that. I am both dreading and looking forward to my youngest graduating high school. I am looking forward to every minute left…but when he goes to college, we’re selling everything and scaling down and I’m walking away from IT and never looking back.

  • Okay, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your list. I like making goals I have a shot at actually completing. This one is my favorite:
    “Don’t stay silent when people say racist or bigoted or misogynistic shit.”
    I actually started doing this two years ago and MAN, it feels good! –Lisa

  • 1. Keep going to therapy.
    2. Run a 5K on Thanksgiving Day.
    3. Maintain my yoga practice.

    #1 and #3 are freebies because I absolutely would do those even if I didn’t set them as goals. That second was is something I have been toying with for several years. However, I work every weekend, so it was going to be hard to find a race to sign up for. I am off for Thanksgiving this year, so this one will work well. And I have almost an entire year to train for it!

By Michelle


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