I was sick as shit all weekend.
Last week, I had three days of all day meetings. Thursday’s was the longest, clocking in at just over 9 hours. Before we even made it to lunch on Thursday, I knew my pesky sinus headache was more than a sinus headache. By Friday morning, my throat felt like I had taken up fire eating and my eyeballs felt like they were being pushed out of my skull by angry porcupines. Or am I being overly dramatic?
Anyway, I felt like shit. I had a slight meltdown on my boss. My list of things to do is growing at an alarming rate and I felt like shit. I left at noon and went to the doctor who told me I had ulcers in my throat, a sinus infection, and infection in both ears. My head is a petri dish.
Being sick gave me a swimmy view of reality. Throw in the special cough syrup from the doctor and the horrifying conclusion of the 2016 shitshow election and reality had a malevolent Alice in Wonderland/Dali slant to it.
I climbed into bed and settled in. I read countless stories. I read stories that gave me hope and stories that made me cry (which was a huge mistake. I really need to avoid all snot making activities because my petri dish is working overtime.)
I finally closed my laptop because I couldn’t afford the tears. I’m pretty sure I got this sinus infection from all the crying I did over this election. I put my phone away and I watched a chick flick. Then, I watched the first Harry Potter movie.
I opened my laptop because I decided what I really needed to do is shop on Groupon.
Groupon is like a beacon of light. What kind of light? I don’t know, awesomeness would be found! I would find a hair service, massage, or a restaurant Groupon. Or, maybe an overnight stay somewhere. Probably no more leggings, though. I’ve already bought a weird number of super soft and cute leggings from Groupon.
Anyway, I’m scrolling through Groupon goods when I see a big purple dick. Seriously. Groupon sprung a dick pic on me.
You can buy a purple, rotating vibrator from Groupon.
The rotating vibrator was already weird, but then a few panels down, I got to the Pipedream fetish fantasy tickle strap.
Okay, this is what a tickle strap looks like. There are straps that go around the ankles. Those straps are attached to an O ring that is attached to a strap that can be draped through a provided eyelet hook that can be installed in a door or ceiling.
So, picture this: Your partner has his feet securely strapped in a contraption, and you hold the strap that can move his legs up and down.
I will tell you how that would work at my house. I would not tickle Randy’s feet with the soft feather tickler included for fun tickle play. Oh no. I would raise and lower his legs and pretend he was in a Jane Fonda exercise video.
Really, it would be even better if the fetish fantasy tickle strap had leg straps that could move independently of each other. Then I could make Randy goose step. (oddly appropriate these days. By “appropriate”, I mean “terrifying”.)
I decided I had expended way too much energy on the fetish fantasy tickle thingy and moved on. I thought about talking about it until I got at least one good eye roll from Randy, but like I said, I am sick. I don’t have the stamina for the long game right now.
So, I moved on from the Groupon porn section
Immediately, I saw a beaded bracelet where all the beads were emojis. The obscenity just wouldn’t end.
When you read this, it will be Monday morning.
I’m still not feeling great and really don’t want to work tomorrow, but I will.
I am still trying to figure out how I can feel hopeful again. I’m trying to figure out what to focus on so that I can believe that life will still hold joy and wonder. I am trying to stop focusing on fear and focusing on how I can affect change.
Perhaps, I can take “I hate Mondays” out of the rotation. I don’t want to expend anymore energy on loathing a day of the week.
I honestly can’t decide if this means I am giving up a little or breaking free a little. I’ll let you know once the cough medicine wears off.