Groupon Sex

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I was sick as shit all weekend.

Last week, I had three days of all day meetings. Thursday’s was the longest, clocking in at just over 9 hours. Before we even made it to lunch on Thursday, I knew my pesky sinus headache was more than a sinus headache. By Friday morning, my throat felt like I had taken up fire eating and my eyeballs felt like they were being pushed out of my skull by angry porcupines. Or am I being overly dramatic? 

Anyway, I felt like shit. I had a slight meltdown on my boss. My list of things to do is growing at an alarming rate and I felt like shit. I left at noon and went to the doctor who told me I had ulcers in my throat, a sinus infection, and infection groupon-sex-2in both ears. My head is a petri dish.

Being sick gave me a swimmy view of reality. Throw in the special cough syrup from the doctor and the horrifying  conclusion of the 2016 shitshow election and reality had a malevolent Alice in Wonderland/Dali slant to it.

I climbed into bed and settled in. I read countless stories. I read stories that gave me hope and stories that made me cry (which was a huge mistake. I really need to avoid all snot making activities because my petri dish is working overtime.) 

I finally closed my laptop because I couldn’t afford the tears. I’m pretty sure I got this sinus infection from all the crying I did over this election. I put my phone away and I watched a chick flick. Then, I watched the first Harry Potter movie.

I opened my laptop because I decided what I really needed to do is shop on Groupon.

Groupon is like a beacon of light. What kind of light? I don’t know, awesomeness would be found! I would find a hair service, massage, or a restaurant Groupon. Or, maybe an overnight stay somewhere. Probably no more leggings, though. I’ve already bought a weird number of super soft and cute leggings from Groupon.

Anyway, I’m scrolling through Groupon goods when I see a big purple dick. Seriously. Groupon sprung a dick pic on me.

You can buy a purple, rotating vibrator from Groupon.

The rotating vibrator was already weird, but then a few panels down, I got to the Pipedream fetish fantasy tickle strap.

Okay, this is what a tickle strap looks like. There are straps that go around the ankles. Those straps are attached to an O ring that is attached to a strap that can be draped through a provided eyelet hook that can be installed in a door or ceiling.

So, picture this: Your partner has his feet securely strapped in a contraption, and you hold the strap that can move his legs up and down.

I will tell you how that would work at my house. I would not tickle Randy’s feet with the soft feather tickler included for fun tickle play. Oh no. I would raise and lower his legs and pretend he was in a Jane Fonda exercise video.

Really, it would be even better if the fetish fantasy tickle strap had leg straps that could move independently of each other. Then I could make Randy goose step. (oddly appropriate these days. By “appropriate”, I mean “terrifying”.)

I decided I had expended way too much energy on the fetish fantasy tickle thingy and moved on. I thought about talking about it until I got at least one good eye roll from Randy, but like I said, I am sick. I don’t have the stamina for the long game right now.

So, I moved on from the Groupon porn section

Immediately, I saw a beaded bracelet where all the beads were emojis. The obscenity just wouldn’t end.

When you read this, it will be Monday morning.

I’m still not feeling great and really don’t want to work tomorrow, but I will.

I am still trying to figure out how I can feel hopeful again. I’m trying to figure out what to focus on so that I can believe that life will still hold joy and wonder. I am trying to stop focusing on fear and focusing on how I can affect change.

Perhaps, I can take “I hate Mondays” out of the rotation. I don’t want to expend anymore energy on loathing a day of the week.

I honestly can’t decide if this means I am giving up a little or breaking free a little. I’ll let you know once the cough medicine wears off.

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51 comments

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  • You can get leggings on Groupon?

    I’ve never been to groupon, but you’ve mentioned it a couple of times, so…
    The 3rd box was for 51% off of a mineral bath!

    The womb is in Portland.

    I STILL want to try the $50 bath…..

    I didn’t scroll any further. I trust Portland area Groupon has the same caveats further down .. on page 4 .. for spicing up the boudoir and making your partners feet ‘two-step!’

    Sorry your head and mucous membranes have taken up arms against you. Hope it’s ‘live-able’ today :\

    Giving up a little just means ‘it is what it is.’
    Breaking free just means you’ve given up a little so you can get the use of your arms back.
    They kinda work together.

  • Groupon has a porn section? That makes life seem strangely better.
    Mainly because I’m picturing Randy wearing tickle straps attached to his arms and legs and lederhosen and singing “No Strings On Me” from Pinocchio while you make him dance.
    This is one of those surreal ideas that’s helped me get through the past week and which I hope will help me and others in the days to come.

  • The body is an amazing thing. It will become sick to force you to slow down and take some time out. A nine meeting is crazy – how can you keep concentrated for nine hours?

  • I’d buy an emoji bracelet, as long as all the emojis were the hand giving the middle finger. 🙂 I’m so sorry that you are sick—I paid my dues in that department a week ago. OMG, it’s fucking miserable!!! As you said, throw in the rest of what’s been happening and it does feel as if we are attempting to slog through a living version of a Dali painting. At the risk of sounding like I’ve gone completely around the bend—haha! I know what you’re thinking!—I actually wondered to myself this past weekend if perhaps what happened a year ago was that I had somehow been transported to a parallel universe, where my husband was gone, everything in my house keeps breaking or needing to be replaced and now, we’ll be dealing with an all-too REAL “Celebrity Apprentice” (in only THE most important position in our country), featuring the First Whore, in what will now be the White Trash House. I thought for SURE that I must be the one who had passed and been sent to Hell! Don’t feel alone, Michelle. I, too, have been swinging between tears, anger, disbelief….grief all over again. I also wonder what kind of future lies ahead, both on a national and a personal level. People keep telling me I should “visualize” the future I want—who I want to be. But, how do you DO that when, these days, your brain seems to be better at thinking backward than forward? I look at my past and I can almost FEEL it, as if I’m in it again. I try to look ahead, and see only vague pictures, nothing definite. Nothing concrete. Can anyone shop on Groupon for ticklers? HAHA!!!! I swear, I am losing my fucking marbles!

  • It’s a rough, low-energy time for most of us right now. Focus on the good where you can – like the fact that we still live in a world where purple vibrators are offering a group discount – and try to let some things that cannot be changed slip beneath your notice – like the fact that you apparently have an evil job that involves 9-hour meetings during which you did not acquire the rights to anyone’s soul or make a movie or even meet David Tennant – and save your energy for the things you can change, when you find them.

  • I’ve been sick as a dog since Thursday morning (though I don’t have the unique combination of infections you got going on… damn) and I totally blame the election results. For eight years I listened to Republicans blame everything from natural disasters to stubbed toes on Obama, so I am absolutely blaming my flu on Trump.

  • I may be an atheist, but this sometimes works for me:

    “God, grant me the serenity
    To accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things that I can,
    And the wisdom to know the difference.”

    Shit, even that feels like a heavy lift just now, but there it is.
    Your Groupon Porn story reminded me of Friday night when Raven was visiting, and he and Briana were talking about a SciShow video they had watched about microbiology and Raven screwed up and said something about a “single celled orgasm” so of course (of course!) I asked him if that was when your vibrator only uses one battery…
    Be careful about those long hours, I’ve already ranted at you about that, so you know the deal. And of course (of course!) may you be feeling much better very soon.

  • Being sick skews world views. I would suggest no rash purchases or changes in philosophies except saying that Mondays are terrific even if they aren’t you can trick yourself into thinking that!

  • Michelle,
    I hope by the time you read this you are feeling at least a little better.

    Thanks for the laugh, about the strappy thingy; I couldn’t even picture it, but you had me laughing for the first time in a couple of days. Reminds me of all the wacky stuff, that I’ve befuddley written about… Galactic Cap, C-Strings, Penis Pedometer, etc.

    I too have shed a lot of tears over this election. Going out with my gals tonight to whine over wine.

    Just in case you’d like to make it clear, you did not vote for the DT, check out the tshirts I’m selling that my husband and I designed. Got the first couple of orders and they look great. Here’s the link to see and to order: http://www.sadiesgathering.com/2016/11/i-voted-for-hillary-tshirts.html

    Take good care, and we’ll trade vents soon.
    Susan
    of Sadie’s Gathering.

  • Get well soon; there are still a few things in life to be cheery about (lol) although regretably maybe a few less than a week ago.
    That strap- on story, which, by the way, made me howl, reminds me of an entry (pun not intended) in our local free ads paper for a second- hand Rampant Rabbit, alongside perfectly normal household items you might find for sale.
    I wonder if it got sold?

  • I’ve desperately tried to find this contraption on the Groupon website. No luck so far. What dept. is it listed under?
    Electronics?
    Sport and leisure?
    Things to do?
    Ladies Fashions?
    Please help. I’m deperate to see it!

  • I was going to look for the purple vibrator but then realized I already own one….with seven speeds. Who needs seven? (I’m trying to get out of reverse here this morning.)

    LOL @ way deep.

    Hope you’re feeling better.

  • I guess it goes under the one size does not fit all category. PS. You can’t use all seven speeds at once! Although I can imagine the consequences wouldn’t be pretty.

  • I’ve been hearing so much about Groupon lately but not this dark side—LOL. I’m sorry you’re sick, Michelle. Sinus infections are so painful. Take care of yourself! That also means, skip work until you’re better.

  • Not really an appropriate comment for this particular blog post, but I’ve been off-line because… fucking election. I went off-line before because the anxiety was getting to me. Now I’m just busy drinking wine to forget. Shit. I can’t believe it. Thanks for making me laugh in spite of that!

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