Planet Of The Hairy Bikini Line

I detest slide show articles. They annoy me.

That doesn’t stop me from occasionally checking them out because who doesn’t want to see which celebrities have recently dyed their tongues purple and collect headless stuffed animals? I rarely get through the whole article, though, because by the third slide, I am annoyed as fuck.

Goddammit, they moved the next button. Aaaand now I’m on a page asking for my information for cheaper car insurance. Fuck slide shows. 

Anyway, I saw a headline that said “These images will make your eyes bleed”. I don’t know why I clicked on something that could potentially make me cry like a statue of a martyred saint, but I did.

It was pictures of celebrity women wearing bikinis with a little line of pubic hair peeking out of the top of their bikini bottoms.

Seriously, these were perfect little tufts of lady garden hair.

Make your eyes bleed? The sight of a woman’s pubic hair is nefarious and powerful enough to cause an ocular explosion?

I mean, maybe the pictures got worse, I don’t know. I only looked at the first slide. I don’t remember who the celebrity was, but the bush image was so adorable I wanted to name it fluffy and buy it a water dish.

It’s goddamn hair, people.

Humans are supposed to have hair. Yet what do so many of us do? We scrape a razor over half of our body to remove hair that nature has decided should be there.

Why do we do this? Why? It’s dumb. Well, I mean other than causing all that eye bleeding. But other than that, why have we decided to devote so much time an energy removing hair from our bodies? Because it is aesthetically pleasing to other people? Who gives a fuck? You know who doesn’t have to look at my hairy legs? People.

But no, we can’t do that, can we? Because we live in a patriarchal society and the patriarchy would lose it’s shit if we all decided to just stop shaving our legs, our pits, and our bikini areas. The patriarchs would claim we were ruining relationships, that we boil puppies, and are the cause of most pancreatic cancer.

I say we stop. We shall claim our power and embrace our hirsute selves with love and acceptance.

I’m only saying this because I’m tired of the relentless shaving in the summer. I put off the de-yeti process way longer than usual this year. It was only my annual trip to the lady doctor that got my razor in gear.

Well, actually it was Randy’s razor. He loves it when I use his razor. He also enjoys it when our 19 year old son takes his socks without asking and getting his fingers pinched in doors.

If we could all just collectively agree that we are no longer going to shave, then we can be free. And by free, I mean, I would rather stand in the shower and get lost in steam and thoughts without the distraction of shaving with a razor that is more than likely dull.

So, just let me know the date and we can all put down our razors and stand together as nature intended!

Seriously, let me know the date because I don’t want to do this by myself. I’ll probably buy a bathing suit with shorts for bottoms. Just in case.

Or am I getting really lazy?

Photo courtesy of cromaconceptovisual


Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Maria P says:

    but the bush image was so adorable I wanted to name it fluffy and buy a water dish.

    In Europe the women don’t feel this same need to shave. Or at least they didn’t use to. Unless things changed since I was last there. Thanks for speaking up. Eyes bleed

  2. Not really sure if any part of the world is any different. But women only do it for other women. Men, believe it or not, don’t care about it as much as other women. Same with makeup, or shoes, or clothing.

    • Michelle says:

      I think that is true, we do dress up for other women.

    • Kat says:

      “Men, believe it or not, don’t care about it as much as other women. ”

      Maybe more like #notallmen. I’ve been shamed by men at public swimming pools for having a few stray hairs (NOT a bush) showing. I’ve also had a boyfriend demand I shave it all off (he didn’t last long after that).

  3. Donna says:

    Tell it, Babe! I haven’t shaved in a zillion and one half eons (well, not since my 40s) and I’m happy as fuck with my furry self.

  4. Eleanor says:

    My husband and I have an understanding. I don’t shave anything that he doesn’t shave on himself. And we both avoid bikinis.

  5. Billie says:

    Ha yes it’s really tempting to go au naturel, except I’d end up wearing long trousers for the entire summer.
    I hope my husband never reads this, but I way too often use his razor too, even down there, as it’s a better quality razor.
    Sorry, darling, if you do ever come across this post.
    Anyway, I do it for him, mainly, so…….. yeah, only seems fair………. 😉

  6. I’m not going to offer an opinion because I’m a guy and men like me have been telling women what to do with their bodies for far too long. Well, technically if they were *like me* they’d say, “Hey, it’s your body and therefore none of my fucking business.” Or they’d keep their damn yaps shut.
    Anyway as a guy I’m just going to say there’s nothing wrong with hair and if growing it out makes you happy then do it. Or I would if I didn’t feel I should keep my damn yap shut. Don’t mind me. I’m just over here shaving with Randy’s razor and wiping my face with one of his socks.

    • Michelle says:

      HAHAHAHAHHAHAH…I KNEW that razor was extra dull!!

      • I should have done this earlier. There’s an old song about hair whose lyrics I think deserve to be rewritten.

        She asked me why women have to shave.
        Smoothing bodies noon at night,
        And waxing is a major fright.
        It all started way back when,
        Cooked up by some stupid men
        Who thought women should behave.
        Well, darling…
        Give me some legs with hair, long beautiful hair,
        Peeking, sneaking, glowing, curling, whirling.
        Let it out your armpits, hair, and up and down your legs,
        Here lady, there, momma, everywhere you want it!
        Hair, let it, set it,
        Long as you can grow it, your hair!

  7. Harry says:

    I don’t understand what the picture has to do with…

    Oh. Oh. Never mind.

  8. Peggy says:

    I announced to an uncaring world some years ago that I hated swimsuits, and was done with them forever. I have a hot tub that I use as god intended, and the only effort I put out is not to be lolling in it when the Fed Ex guy’s likely to come by. They frighten easily.

  9. Michele says:

    I so agree with the slideshow rant, hate them, loose interest and start to wonder if my ADHD is kicking into high gear.

  10. MJ says:

    Oh my goodness! I love starting the day with a good belly laugh! Thanks, Michelle and all those who commented (still giggling as I envision a spooked Fed Ex driver!). Have a wonderful long weekend everyone!

  11. Melinda says:

    You guys are a fuckin hoot, that’s what you are. Fluffy. FedEx. Socks. HAHAHAHAHAHAhoohee phew, thanks.

  12. Cassie Marie says:

    What I am finding particularly troubling is the trend of young women and men totally denuding their bodies. I understand that some young women believe pubic hair to be somehow dirty. ???? Or does this reflect a desire to remain a child? What healthy adult finds a hairless, childlike body sexually attractive? Bizarre!

    But I do agree with Michelle that it is our choice how we present ourselves to the world.

  13. Haralee says:

    I have to shave my legs (not thighs) because it bugs me when I don’t. I am a brunette. I have course curly hair. What this means is all body hair is visible and I get shaving bumps above the knee. I don’t want to support a waxing woman, sorry gig economists! A bathing suit is not in my wardrobe for all these reasons and more. Board Shorts is my answer to the summer beach/swim thing.

  14. For some reason, I am squicked out by pit hair. But that’s on men and women, so I feel like it’s fair to say that everybody should wax that shiz before they bare it so I don’t have to think about what’s trapped in your sweat forest every time you hug me or wave or reach for something. But I also don’t see it most of the time, and honestly don’t care about your nether hairs, so… If you’re trying to impress me, perfectly smooth pits, pins, and p—y are not your first step.

    That said, if I may over-share? I periodically get fed up with the lady garden and start clear cutting. Husband does not like this, says it makes him feel like a pedophile. So there’s your argument for not shaving the cat.

  15. Emily says:

    I read somewhere that leg-shaving was begun by a razor company, to increase sales, of course.

  16. I haven’t shaved anything in years. My husband’s eyes have failed to bleed. So far. Of course, I don’t wear bikinis, but there are other ways to see pubic hair. How many of those result in eye hemorrhage?

  17. Shani says:

    I read this as I was listening to Jefferson Airplane. I answer as I am still listening to Jefferson Airplane.

    The movement to be more acceptable of women’s hair back then (I am guessing it was then but I dunno) was awesome. I do know we need another wave.

    Plus honestly I find adults with completely bare adult parts to be more eye bleeding inducing for me. Adults have hair. Trim okay but completely bald just creeps me out. If my Sweetie said “go completely bare there” I’d look at him like he was insane and probably start mentally dividing our things for an inevitable break up.

    I am waiting for the next wave Sister! Let me know when it is.

    • Michelle says:

      I am with you. I will ride that hairy wave.

      • Spiked Lee says:

        I miss the 70s. Grace Slick didn’t shave. Janis Joplin didn’t shave. I don’t shave. I also don’t wear a bra very often, and justify it on the 70s.
        I like my furry little bush. When I had an office job, I shaved my legs below the knee. In the summer only.
        I used to shave my underarm hair. Because of radiation treatments, I don’t grow hair under the left arm. Cancer bonus! Now I trim on the right so I’m not too lopsided.
        I have two (adult) daughters, one goes for the hairless mole rat look. Creeps me the hell damn out just knowing she does that. WTF? How did I fail as a mom? But the other one is au natural. She trims the underarms, cause she doesn’t like it peeking out the short sleeve shirts. To meet her boyfriend’s mom, she comprised on wearing tights. I couldn’t be more proud.
        Burn the bra, bury the razor. New slogan for the 2020s.

  18. Aidan says:

    I stopped shaving over a year ago. Occasionally I’ll shave my bikini line and a little bit more around that area because it gets sweaty and uncomfortable (sorry for the TMI), but my legs and pits haven’t seen a razor since 2016. I’m sick of playing contortionist in the shower trying to shave my legs. I always end up pulling something. Fuck that.

    • Michelle says:

      OMG right there with you. I am not going to break a hip so that some motherfucker doesn’t have to see hair on my legs.

      • Aidan says:

        The last time I shaved I don’t remember if I threw my back out or pulled a hamstring (both have happened multiple times), but I was finally just like, “Why the fuck am I doing this?” and stopped doing it. No regrets.

        • Michelle says:

          I stopped dying my gray around 3 years ago because I got tired of the time and cost it takes to keep it up. I actually dig my gray streaks.

  19. Doug in Oakland says:

    Bleeding eyes over pubic hair? Excuse me if I am mistaken here, but wasn’t the viewing of pubic hair the business model of Playboy magazine for twenty years or so?
    Or is it supposed to be some kind of bullshit shameful thing you only do in private?
    They are hairs, people. All mammals have them.
    I, also hate those slideshow articles, especially the ones on Yahoo that lead you in with a false promise that you click through forty goddamn pages to the end and it never shows up. I don’t need that kind of aggravation, so I don’t take their bait any more. Mostly.

  20. Mary-Anne says:

    Never have shaved or waxed (well I have never waxed) my bikini line. Not even in the days when I wore a bikini so I am not about to start now.
    I only shave under my arms when I am very depressed and in the bath and I just want a clean start.
    I shave my legs only if they are pulling under my leggings and irritating me. Again – not often.
    But sure, let’s pick a day.


  21. emelle says:

    Blonde, so I rarely shave. HOWEVER, in summer, I also wear as little as possible, to tan my exposed skin, because I can, and I LIKE IT. So I will shave ankle to knee, simply because I LIKE how my smooth skin feels when it’s smooth. Bikini area only when said bikini will expose it (never ABOVE the bikini line, because WHY would anyone wear such a low-rise bikini at all (vs. just straight-up nekkidness)? Pits only when sweat season begins (and I sweat less than your average dog or pig, meaning, very little)…

    But YOU, m’dear, may go full hirsute suit, if you LIKE it. Because we ARE adults, and we can do what we LIKE.

    Rock on.

  22. Arionis says:

    “Name it fluffy” ROFL! As a man I don’t feel I’m really qualified to comment on this. I did try to wax my own head once. It did not go well…

  23. I had a hysterectomy back in the days when it was the thing to do if you had any “female” problem. I was 50 and went into instant menopause. My hair everywhere (except my head, eyebrows and eye lashes) quit growing. I have been liberated from the razor for 23 years. Life is good. Of course there are those pesky chin hairs that have to be taken care of from time to time.

  24. I’m just happy to hear that other women have a bush. Celebrities even have bush…see we’re all normal and what is it with the porn that shows all smooth, hairless vaginas? Haha. The picture of the cat is perfect, Michelle. Fun post! Although, I don’t think I could do the no shaving. The stubble itches and it would drive me crazy. Call me conditioned to the Patriarchy.

  25. Me says:

    Al couldn’t care one way or the other – I wax my legs and underarms in summer but from close to the end of summer through as long as I can make it last, I don’t wax at all. Added layer of warmth if I need it !!! LOL

  26. Red says:

    I am in the minority here. I love the feeling of my shaved legs. I do it for me! All year-round, especially in the winter, because when I skip for more than a day or two, my jeans rub the hair the wrong way and that is SUPER uncomfortable! I lived at the beach for years, and kept a neat bikini line, too. I have never, and will never, wax. That’s some insanity, right there.

    I don’t know if Europeans in general tend to keep their hair more than Americans do, but the Russian-Ukrainian girl I work with (here in China, un-influenced by the US) commented on how the Chinese people look at her weird for being so clean-shaved!

  27. Karen says:

    Seriously? Hair as an emotional finger at the world? Hair evolved as a protection against the elements; if you want to be a nudist, grow away! I doubt if you will be bothered by those who walk away from sharing public space with you.
    The true reason some rid ourselves of superfluous body hair is to achieve certain results: cleanliness, odor control, and, perhaps, tactile pleasure. Asian, European, or American, our hair retains odor winter and summer. Ride public transportation in any country other than America if you doubt this. (Although we are not immune.)
    Enjoy your hairy selves, people. Please just be nice and leave off feeling superior to the others who don’t share your idea of personal freedom.

    • Michelle says:

      Oh, I totally get that people want to shave..hell, I shave, I just don’t want to because I am getting lazy in my old age. As far as people feeling superior, hell…there is always going to be “that” person, isn’t there?

  28. The best thing Drummer Boy ever said to me was “It’s just hair.” I love his hairiness. Apparently he loves mine. Thank goodness. <3