I bought this dress. It’s a sort of cheesy black sweater dress with a handkerchief hem. I wore it with leggings and walked around feeling like goddamn batman all day.
I kind of liked the feeling.
I haven’t worn the dress again because what kind of goddamn freaky ass middle age grandma walks around feeling like batman?
I cannot possibly admit that I’m that fucking weird. Nope. Can’t do it.
I am still wholly convinced that while I am sort of weird, I am well within the boundaries of being able to move freely about with the humans more entrenched in the “normal” category. I can’t walk around all happy because my cheap ass dress flutters a bit and makes me feel like the dark knight. That’s fucking weird. Especially, since I’m not even a comic book geek. All I know of batman is Adam West and the movies. I didn’t even see all of the movies.
I spent this last weekend floating in a pod of water, sitting outside with a fire, and hanging out with Randy. Pretty much our preferred method of passing time. Well, other than the pod of water part. Pod water usually isn’t on my agenda.
Anyway, the most incredible thought occurred to me over the weekend. I thought about that dress and how I like the way it flaps. I can be who I am.
I can absolutely 100% be who I am.
I mean, I’m not talking about going crazy here and unleashing my inner self on the world. Or, not actually saying inappropriate things instead of just thinking them. All the time. Pretty much every time I hear someone talk at work. Not weird inappropriate things. Don’t be pervy. I mean, sarcastic comments that would be hilarious, but probably not appreciated.
I’m talking about being cool with liking my new dress and being cool with liking the way it flutters. It doesn’t matter if other people think I’m odd. I guess it would matter if I veered into the “unemployable” side of odd, but that’s not the case. I’ve always been employed. Fucking always.
I’m dreaming about retirement. Hoping currency in just a few short decades is dust bunnies. We’ll live like kings. If it continues to be our current dollar bills, then I’m probably never retiring.
I’ve made some real strides in caring less what other people think of me. But really, I’m starting to realize all I’ve done is knock away the crusty shell of my obsessive worry over how other people see me. I still care. I just don’t care as much. Almost nearly as much. These things take time. Shut up.
Anyway, I had this thought and I suddenly felt like a kid who was about to make the most amazing jump ever into a pool. You know that jump. The one where a kid basically just jumps into a pool, but does it while yelling “Hey! Look what I can do!”
Hey! Look what I can do!
I can be exactly who I am.
I’ll let you know when I actually believe that.
How about you?