High Functioning

High functioning aren’t words I would use to describe myself.

However, recently, Randy stumbled upon an article. He sent the article to me with a note. “This is you.”

The article is about people with high functioning OCD.  I followed a trail and found an article about OCD and hyper responsibility.

While I would not describe myself as high functioning, I have no problem applying the word “hyper” to me. 

Reading these articles with all the subsequent articles I could find (Hahaha, why no, I’m not obsessive) made for a weird and somewhat squirmy afternoon.

Ultimately, I found comfort reading words that describe what goes on in my head. Kind of. I mean, I don’t think I could accurately describe what goes on in my head and I am the world’s leading expert on my head.

I used to joke about being responsible for everyone in the entire world and what a thankless job it is. I honestly had no idea that was a mental health issue.

Boiled down, I have obsessive thoughts, but have compulsions designed to relieve the pain from the constant obsessive thoughts aren’t super intrusive. I can live a normal life, function at my job, and at home. The people around me might mention I play Boggle on my phone obsessively. Or watch and re-watch and re-watch specific TV series.

Speaking of which, I’ve been reading there might be a season 16 of Supernatural. A girl can dream. 

Oh, and the hyper responsibility thing? That is just fucking exhausting.

Last year, my sister gave me a desk calendar for Christmas. Today’s entry, on December 8th, 2023 reads “The path of inner peace begins with four words: ” not my fucking problem.”

You all, I could barely stand to look at the words.

calendar page

Not my fucking problem? Really? Everything is my fucking problem.

I had to obscure the calendar so I could work.

I guess I could have removed it, but then it would have said December 9 and is today, right now December 9? No. No it is not. So, of course, I couldn’t remove the page.

high functioning calendar page don’t know what this revelation means for me, if anything. I do have the option for a few free psychologist visits through my insurance. I guess I could avail myself of that option.

Because I would love to be able to say “not my fucking problem”. I’d also like to stop worrying in a weird ass loop every day.

Anyway, here’s to new discoveries! I guess.

4 Thoughts.

  1. Creative apathy is a powerful tool, but not everyone is cut out for the rigors of adopting it as a strategy. I once listed my “religion” on a form as “hedonist apathetic”. That was a long time ago, and I have since discovered politics, which, oddly enough, has me less apathetic about my fellow humans than I was before.
    Around two years into my newfound interest in the well-being of the rest of humanity, I had a near fatal stroke that left me disabled. I’m not saying that it was caused by my concerns, no, what I’m saying is that all of the sudden I found myself totally dependent upon the concerns of others who I previously had no connections with. This caused an immediate and total reassessment of the worth and function of interest in other folks’ wellness.
    As the kids say, “shit got real”.
    And the older I get, the realer it keeps getting. Wow, who knew?
    I have found that identifying my mental health issues has been helpful every time: it’s hard to address things you haven’t identified. I’ve been sort of lucky (!?) in that way: I used to deal with near constant depression, and since my stroke fifteen years ago, it has mostly just gone away. I’m told that isn’t common.
    Anyway, good luck, and I hope your general health has improved somewhat.
    It’s hard to get a mental break when your physical health is trying to kill you.

  2. Do you seriously think you could stop with just ‘a few free psychologist visits’? Wouldn’t that become an obsession?
    I’ve lived in South Florida (sob) long enough to be able to say y’all with a straight face. Practice.
    Hope you are feeling better and that your coping mechanisms kick in!
    Have great Holidays (your choices) and a Happy New Year.

  3. I do not think I could be described as high functioning lately and yeah I do have a touch of OCD life is often an uphill battle for me, with me often sliding backwards on and icy surface but I keep going.

  4. I get that finding yourself described with a diagnosis can be both reassuring and uncomfortable. If you decide to avail yourself of some of that free therapy through work, though, it can be a good starting point. I think the hardest thing, though, is accepting that there are ups and downs. Some days you’re high functioning and some days it’s like you say “Hi” to Functioning as it just strolls on by.

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