Is there a Homeowner’s Guide For An Aging Population? We could use one.
And it has to go into the exact amount of detail my brain needs.
I struggle with instructions already.
I don’t want a history of each part or all the different ways the part can be used. I just want to know what to do with it. Because if there is too much information, I get bored and distracted. However, just labeling a bunch of black and white drawings with letters and numbers and random arrows pointing in completely pointless directions is also not helpful.
So, I need just the right amount of instruction that keeps my brain engaged. A picture would be nice.
Also, I need this guide to only have instruction on things that affect us in this specific abode.
Perhaps, I am asking too much.
The house we sold last year was only 13 years old when we bought it. Sure, it was cheaply made and had a few issues, but it was mostly new, so no horrible issues.
The house we bought was built in 1952 and has some issues.
For instance, we’ve all been being slowly poisoned by the carbon monoxide leak in the basement. We have been meaning to get around to getting that fixed, but then we started watching The Umbrella Academy and then I decided to re-watch X Files. Besides, I still have walls to paint. Priorities, people.
Another issue is the flooding driveway.
Normally, I wouldn’t worry too much about a flooding driveway. Who cares? I don’t care if every once in a while, my drive has a foot of water in it, but as it turns out, it’s not just the driveway that is affected when the driveway floods. The garage floods as well.
That’s a problem.
The problem is, we have a bunch of debris washing down into our driveway when a monsoon rolls through. We’ve had a few monsoons this season already.
The drain gets covered and the driveway fills up.
We had a super impressive storm move through a few weeks ago. Randy had called from the store and told me to get to the basement because the tornado sirens were going off.
Here is a video I took in the basement as I waited to be transported to Oz. Not gonna lie, I was looking forward to some sparkly shoes.
It occurred to me that if the drain was making cauldron noises, that perhaps we were having the same issue with the garage flooding that we had earlier in the month.
Randy hadn’t made it home yet and Joey was at work, so I was going to have to deal with the flooded driveway.
I went back upstairs and put a sweatshirt on. The rain had stopped and it wasn’t terribly cold, so that was good.
I realized I had nothing appropriate to wear on my feet. I had to wade in water nearly up to my knees and then find the goddamn drain.
I have a pair of knock off Uggs. I love my purple suede boots with the fake sheepskin inside.
Well, I did love them. They’re gone now.
I considered the alternative, which is a pair of tall, lace up black Doc Marten’s and decided my purple boots had run their course. They served their purpose. It was time for them to make the ultimate sacrifice.
I wish I had a video of me wading into my lower driveway and splashing around trying to find the clogged drained. By “wish I had a video” I mean “For all that is holy, I am grateful there is no video”.
My knock off purple Uggs held up like a champ. For about 10 minutes.
Damn, my feet are still dry. These boots are bad ass. Oh. Wait.
I found the drain and pulled leaves, vines and sticks from the opening.
Oh please don’t find a snake. There won’t be a snake, right? It’s still too cold for snakes. Is that a fucking snake? FUCK! Oh, no. It’s another vine.
I would periodically pull the entire drain up so the water would drain faster. I protected the drain against the onslaught of lawn debris with my newly ruined purple boots.
It took about 20 minutes to get the driveway to drain.
The rain started up in earnest about 10 minutes into my driveway draining chore.
Then, it started to hail and tornado sirens started wailing again.
You know what? Fuck you. I’m not having a flooded garage.
The rain and hail came down sideways. Hail stings, yo. But I still had boxes in the back of the garage that haven’t been unpacked from the move and I’d be damned if my stupid driveway was going to ruin my shit. I still have no idea what is in those boxes. I’m going guess either cancelled checks from 1997 or VHS tapes that we never returned to Blockbuster.
Randy got home a few minutes after the driveway cleared up.
An hour later the sun was shining.
I spent the evening shopping for rain boots and won’t be unprepared again.
I guess we need to call about the chimney issue that is causing the carbon monoxide issue next.
A guide would help.
Also, today is Joey’s birthday. He is 21 today. I’m at work in a cubicle and Randy and Joey are spending the afternoon at a brewery. How is this fair?