Homeowner’s Guide For An Aging Population


Is there a Homeowner’s Guide For An Aging Population? We could use one.

And it has to go into the exact amount of detail my brain needs.

I struggle with instructions already.

I don’t want a history of each part or all the different ways the part can be used. I just want to know what to do with it. Because if there is too much information, I get bored and distracted. However, just labeling a bunch of black and white drawings with letters and numbers and random arrows pointing in completely pointless directions is also not helpful.

So, I need just the right amount of instruction that keeps my brain engaged. A picture would be nice.

Also, I need this guide to only have instruction on things that affect us in this specific abode.

Perhaps, I am asking too much.

The house we sold last year was only 13 years old when we bought it. Sure, it was cheaply made and had a few issues, but it was mostly new, so no horrible issues.

The house we bought was built in 1952 and has some issues.

For instance, we’ve all been being slowly poisoned by the carbon monoxide leak in the basement. We have been meaning to get around to getting that fixed, but then we started watching The Umbrella Academy and then I decided to re-watch X Files. Besides, I still have walls to paint. Priorities, people.

Another issue is the flooding driveway.

Normally, I wouldn’t worry too much about a flooding driveway. Who cares? I don’t care if every once in a while, my drive has a foot of water in it, but as it turns out, it’s not just the driveway that is affected when the driveway floods. The garage floods as well.

That’s a problem.

The problem is, we have a bunch of debris washing down into our driveway when a monsoon rolls through. We’ve had a few monsoons this season already.

The drain gets covered and the driveway fills up.

We had a super impressive storm move through a few weeks ago. Randy had called from the store and told me to get to the basement because the tornado sirens were going off.

Here is a video I took in the basement as I waited to be transported to Oz. Not gonna lie, I was looking forward to some sparkly shoes.

It occurred to me that if the drain was making cauldron noises, that perhaps we were having the same issue with the garage flooding that we had earlier in the month.

We were.

Randy hadn’t made it home yet and Joey was at work, so I was going to have to deal with the flooded driveway.

I went back upstairs and put a sweatshirt on. The rain had stopped and it wasn’t terribly cold, so that was good.

I realized I had nothing appropriate to wear on my feet. I had to wade in water nearly up to my knees and then find the goddamn drain.

I have a pair of knock off Uggs. I love my purple suede boots with the fake sheepskin inside.

Well, I did love them. They’re gone now.

I considered the alternative, which is a pair of tall, lace up black Doc Marten’s and decided my purple boots had run their course. They served their purpose. It was time for them to make the ultimate sacrifice.

I wish I had a video of me wading into my lower driveway and splashing around trying to find the clogged drained. By “wish I had a video” I mean “For all that is holy, I am grateful there is no video”. 

My knock off purple Uggs held up like a champ. For about 10 minutes.

Damn, my feet are still dry. These boots are bad ass. Oh. Wait. 

I found the drain and pulled leaves, vines and sticks from the opening.

Oh please don’t find a snake. There won’t be a snake, right? It’s still too cold for snakes. Is that a fucking snake? FUCK! Oh, no. It’s another vine. 

I would periodically pull the entire drain up so the water would drain faster. I protected the drain against the onslaught of lawn debris with my newly ruined purple boots.

It took about 20 minutes to get the driveway to drain.

The rain started up in earnest about 10 minutes into my driveway draining chore.

Then, it started to hail and tornado sirens started wailing again.

You know what? Fuck you. I’m not having a flooded garage. 

The rain and hail came down sideways. Hail stings, yo. But I still had boxes in the back of the garage that haven’t been unpacked from the move and I’d be damned if my stupid driveway was going to ruin my shit. I still have no idea what is in those boxes. I’m going guess either cancelled checks from 1997 or VHS tapes that we never returned to Blockbuster.

Randy got home a few minutes after the driveway cleared up.

An hour later the sun was shining.

I spent the evening shopping for rain boots and won’t be unprepared again. rain boots

I guess we need to call about the chimney issue that is causing the carbon monoxide issue next.

A guide would help.

Also, today is Joey’s birthday. He is 21 today. I’m at work in a cubicle and Randy and Joey are spending the afternoon at a brewery. How is this fair?


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  • I have the same driveway problem. Is your house below street level? I have had countless floods of water streaming down my driveway into the garage and lower level.and overwhelming the drain in front of my garage. I called the road maintenance dept and they looked at the situation and put a berm at the end of my driveway and directed the flow down the street! No more problems. Hope that it is as simple for you. Good Luck

  • Aging homes like aging people have issues and some are expensive, some not and some are deadly. I think it would be wise to get the carbon monoxide checked. I say this after our furnace guy told us we could have died from poisoning. What a drama queen!

  • I agree with wanting those kinds of instructions ha!
    What a miserable experience with the rain… so sorry!
    Don’t you love Umbrella Academy?
    Love your new rain boots, now you’re prepared.
    Thanks for the morning laugh

  • I hope you get another pair of knockoff Uggs because purple suede boots just seem so perfect for you. Also there is a certain satisfaction in draining water. And not finding a snake.
    Happy birthday to Joey too. I hope he and Randy bring home a few growlers for you. You’ve earned it.

  • I’m glad that it wasn’t a snake. Do they have water snakes in Ohio? The Google says yes, but they 1) aren’t dangerous, and 2) inhabit “almost any permanent body of water”, so I don’t think your driveway counts.
    Happy birthday to Joey. On my 21st birthday I walked to the neighborhood market and bought a beer, just because I could, and I asked the cashier “Aren’t you even gonna card me? It’s my birthday.”
    He replied “You rat! I’ve sold to you before.” And I was like “Nope, this is the first alcohol I’ve ever bought myself.” Because of course when buying alcohol before that I always had a friend who was of legal drinking age buy it for me…
    We’re about to embark upon a “fully trashed house renovation” and by “renovation” I mean “fix the issues until it’s legal to actually live in” if our luck holds… Which is by no means a sure thing at this point.

    • Mostly snakes here are not poisonous, but I have a pretty extreme aversion to snakes. I know they’re a sign of a healthy yard. I just don’t want to see them. At all. Ever.

  • Impressive! Much respect given especially because my home guide says “You are your mother’s child. Call someone to do that for you.”
    Happy birthday to Joey 🙂

  • Love your new rain boots. We had a yard that would flood during every rainstorm, eventually seeping (see pouring) into the basement. My girls went out during one storm and took turns floating across the yard on my exercise ball. Best use of that exercise ball ever!

  • I have also recently invested in new Wellies! Do you know, I don’t think I’ve EVER owned a pair before now? I remember playing in the street gutters after Florida rains, but I’m fairly sure we were always barefoot. Oh, those were the days! I do agree with Christopher, though. You NEED the purple suede faux Uggs! As do I!

  • Sounds like a mess, but as usual your prespective made it very entertaining. Loved the ‘for all that is holy. . .’ My kids videoed me doing nothing before -without me realizing it. I was checking email and yelling at the kids and starting dinner. Not sure how I did not disown them for that! I agree: look into the CO nonsense! Happy bday to Joey. My oldest turns 21 in June.

  • I’m not in any position to give you advice on home ownership, having failed at it so spectacularly (and we literally just had the conversation about how we’re meant to be renters for the foreseeable future, since we can’t imagine living anyplace for more than a few years right now) but I am qualified to assure you that Umbrella Academy is absolutely worth the carbon monoxide poisoning. I’m glad you didn’t put off watching while you futzed around with silly house things, because then you wouldn’t understand ALL THE FEELS I HAVE. (also, Cha-Cha gets me.)

By Michelle


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