How To Buy Your Death House

Seriously, how? How do you buy your death house?

We have no idea what we are doing, and we are way too fucking old to be this clueless.

We looked at a few houses recently. My mom and Middle Sister joined us at a few open houses. One house we looked at had most of the elements we are looking for. Not that it matters, we aren’t ready to buy. I just wanted to get a feel for neighborhoods and house styles.

The real estate agent referred to the house as a “starter” home. My sister said “Well, they’re more looking for an “ender”.

According to the real estate agent, both types of houses are about the same size.

I learned, while looking at houses with my sister, I’m doing it wrong.

We were inspecting the basement of the first house we looked at. This house was very old, and had those old windows which opened and closed by rope. The basement was dank with all sorts of nooks and crannies and rooms. Middle sister asked if I noticed the age of water heater.

Me: I didn’t look.

Middle Sister: Why not?

Me: Ummm, I didn’t think about it? I don’t care.

Me: Look at this room, this could be a sex torture dungeon.

Middle Sister: Well, at least you’re focusing on what’s important.

I totally wouldn’t have made the sex torture dungeon remark, as loud as I did, if I had noticed the couple who had also wandered down to the basement. I don’t think they heard me, though. They were on the other side checking out the water heater.

I know the water heater, furnace, and plumbing are important, but there are other things as well. This is going to be it for us.

Randy and I don’t want to buy another house after we move.

We want this next house to be our ender.

I’ve been referring to it as our death house, which I lifted from Middle Sister, who recently bought her death house.

My list of demands is growing. Which sounds more like I’m taking the house hostage rather than buying it. 

For instance, I want a gas stove.

This has recently shifted from the “nice to have” category to the “non-negotiable” category. Randy thinks this is dumb, but I don’t care.

It’s our death house, I am riding this life out with a goddamn gas stove.

Randy: Why is that so important?

Me: It’s easier to control the temperature.

Randy: It’s not that big of a difference.

Me: The burners don’t get all wobbly on a gas stove.

Randy: Gas stoves smell funny.

Me: I love that smell. That smells like safe and warm and it makes me want to eat toast.

Randy: Well, maybe then you’d eat toast in the kitchen and not on my side of the bed.

Me: Hahaha. I could do both.

Me: Those glass top stoves are right out.

Randy: What’s wrong with glass top stoves?

Me: I’d burn my fingerprints off within a week.

Randy: Good point.

Another thing that Randy and I are in agreement on is we want the smallest yard possible. Zero grass would be preferable.

We suck so hard at yard work. Painting the entire interior of our house is a daunting task, but it’s no worse than what we have waiting for us outdoors. The front yard has landscaping that can be best described as “death throes”. Some lamb’s ear that was planted in all innocence has taken over and little patches can be found through out the front yard. We won’t even talk about the back yard. Just imagine an abandoned lot and you’ll probably be close.

I am ready to admit that my thumbs are not green. Try as I may, I haven’t been able to force a love and desire of gardening. I want to garden. It sounds lovely. Communing with nature. Connecting with the earth. Feeling a sense of accomplishment as flowers and vegetables flourish.

That has not been my experience with gardening. My experience includes sweating, fire ants, and spending too much money on plants and bushes that were basically given a death sentence once they were in my shopping cart. Also, you guys, there are snakes in gardens. Fuck that.

The houses I love the most have the postage stamp front yard and a tiny backyard entirely paved in concrete.

For me, a two story house would be fine, but Randy is strongly leaning toward a single story house. I get his point, the older we get, the less we’re going to want stairs. I mean, there is already a fair amount of bitching about stairs. I can’t imagine the bitching is going to get better.

Off street parking is non-negotiable. I don’t want to fight my neighbors for parking spaces.

Central air has always been on my list of “must haves”, but we lived for 3 years without central air and it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. I am grateful we have it back, but it wasn’t a terrible hardship to go without. Still, it’s at least very close to being on the “non-negotiable” list. Every thing else would have to be perfect for us to pick a house that requires window units. We’re talking a spectacular view, off street parking for 3 cars, and not a single blade of grass on the property.

There is still so much to consider. What scares me most are things to consider which I don’t even know we should be considering. We own the house we’re in, but we have renter brains.

I mentioned to my work friend, the neighborhoods we’re looking in. She asked what the taxes were like in those neighborhoods.

I don’t fucking know. Fuck. I should know this shit, shouldn’t I? It’s not all about sex torture dungeons and views of downtown. There’s water heaters, furnaces, and taxes.

On the plus side, we did finally formulate a timing plan. We’ve been winging it. We’ve been painting and downsizing without any plan on listing our house or seriously looking for a new house. We aren’t going to be finished before winter. We don’t really want to move when it’s cold out, so spring it is.

I feel good we, at least, got that settled.

I am also thinking that maybe I didn’t think this glass stove top thing through. If I burn my fingertips off, I can finally change careers. I could get out of IT and become a cat burglar.

 

59 Thoughts.

  1. “Ender” home, I love this term. I’d like to see this catch on. Let’s make that happen.

    Don’t back down on the low (snakeless) yard maintenance, and, gas stoves are fantastic as long as you don’t light one, use it for your grilled cheese and then go to finish an essay without turning it off.

  2. When we were looking, we made huge lists which we narrowed down to deal breakers and non deal breakers. There were 4 of us looking (pod – I live in a pod) which made it easier – we each had what we were to scout out. (e.g., I looked at general construction, Bob sized up the neighborhood, Jen – space considerations, Oni – water heaters, furnaces and such) It all pretty much went out the window when we found Valhalla though. The location was as close to perfect as could possibly exist.

    The next 5 years were spent fixing (paying to fix) every damn thing that broke and that was, pretty much, everything.

    Still, this is our death house and we love it.

  3. Yep, for the small amount of cooking that I DO perform, it’s gotta be on a gas stove (I burnt so much shit on the crappy electric range in our crappy old college 4-plex, you don’t wanna know!)
    I guess I’m living on my “death farm”, though, bcz there’s few things I hate worse than MOVING… If you can’t stand broomweed & cockleburs, better cast your gaze elsewhere. At least the critters are happy, they don’t care if the pastures aren’t manicured & the fences are patched together!

  4. I finally feel like cleaning a bathroom shelf.
    It’s been a long 6 years and these last couple of months watching you paint has about killed me…
    And I’d like to steal the idea of ‘death house.’
    Because the next time I move, I WILL be that close to death.
    I’m hoping next week I’ll feel like cleaning a 5×5 foot area of this trailer… I figure a 5×5 foot area, once a week, and by next Summer I’ll just have furniture and rug…
    I think you are on the better track…
    *high five*

    • Sometimes I just clean for 15 or 20 min and when the timer goes off, I walk away. Sometimes I throw down a hula hoop and clean that am out. Sometimes I just gather 10 things. Its all good. Just don’t quit!

      • Thanks, Laura!! That’s excellent advice and since the boy child is leaving I don’t have to ‘finish’ a task…
        I LOVE that hula hoop idea 🙂
        Now that I can finally look around and breathe… I’m gonna be going through a lot of toothbrushes in the corners 😉
        Happily, I’m not painting… whew.

  5. Stay away from glass top stoves. Those bitches are impossible to keep clean; if something bubbles over on one burner and another is lit too it burns onto THAT burner as well; there are several types of pots you absolutely can’t use with them (which we didn’t learn until after we’d ruined the surface of the cooktop in our RENTAL, TYVM); and of course there’s always the chance you could drop something on them and BREAK the stupid surface.

    Good luck with the house hunt. Ask about how old the roof and HVAC units are too, you don’t want to have to replace them two months after you’ve bought the place.

  6. I kind of envy you–Ken refuses to even consider moving, mostly because he’s a bit of a hoarder and has closets full of crap. I think the idea of going through it all and having to throw it away is overwhelming to him. Me. I’m just like “into the garbage it goes” if I haven’t looked at it for a year. Gas stoves are the best, and central air is definitely a deal breaker for me, but I have a feeling I’m already in my death house. Good job I really love the place anyway. Can’t wait to hear about your dream house when you find it!

  7. I know it sounds like a “one foot in the grave” type living, but we rent in a senior community (4plex). Grass in the front and a large back yard with lake – none of which is OUR responsibility. Maintenance of all appliances are not OUR responsibility. There is no crime and is (mostly) quiet. There are single family homes, duplexes and 4plexes (for sale or rent). Tennis Courts – 2 pools – at least 1 party/month in the clubhouse w/entertainment. If it didn’t look like a prison camp, I’d love it here.

  8. We built our house, (had it built of course), 29 years ago not thinking it would be our death house but since it is small and one level it is. We are aging out here. Improvements or a nice way of saying putting in features you want, is easy because you know you will be living in the house for a long time! I have a gas stovetop and electric oven that makes me happy. Also I have a gas insert in the fireplace and gas heat and central air that keeps me happy year round.

    • That sounds so lovely! I have never spent much time in one place. We’ve been in this house for 9 years which is the longest I’ve ever lived in one place by a couple of years. I’m looking forward to settling in for the long haul.

  9. The “sex dungeon” remark is a good thing to say when house hunting. Some other helpful phrases I dropped when I was with my parents and looking at a house they were considering:
    “You can hardly tell there was a meth lab here.”
    “I keep hearing the neighbors use the word ‘sinkhole’. Should we be concerned about that?”
    “Do these toilets flush? Whoever was here last didn’t think so.”
    With all the crazy stuff you have to worry about when buying a home I think you should do anything you can to get the price down.

  10. I thought I bought my death house almost 10 years ago…but I was mistaken…too much work involved….so I am looking for another one….note: dont buy an old house..

  11. Gas ranges are the way to go. You can actually buy one if the house doesn’t have one. I used to deliver and install them, and it’s not that big of a deal. Cleaning under and behind the old one isn’t for the faint of heart, and the gas pipes can be a pain to install, but they’re not as hard as they sound like they should be. If I could do it, almost anyone should be able to.
    Sex dungeons don’t make sense to me. Who wants to do it in a dungeon? Oh wait, this is the internet, never mind…

    • That’s what Randy said. He said we could get a gas stove if we wanted, but I don’t want to have to do it ourselves. I just want it to be there. Because if it’s NOT there, then we will spend years getting around to getting a gas stove. I know how we operate.

  12. I am going to stand up for electric stoves. I’ve used one for over 40 years (not same one, lol) and am fine with it. Just clean it off everytime you use it, like you would for your gas stove and I have never broken the top of one!!!

    • I have a friend who has one and you can’t tell it’s hot when it’s hot. I would definitely DEFINITELY burn myself on that. Haha.

      Randy was so excited to see your name. My middle name is Ruth, and based on a show we watched he started calling me Michelle Root. That has grown to Michelle Root Cocoa Puffs to Michelle Root Cocoa Puffs of Lincolnshire. I have no idea why he made it all fancy.

  13. The official hunt for the death house starts in 18 months, but the list of must haves keeps getting longer. At first, it was simply a flat floor. (My house was built in 1890 and has a larger, rooty tree growing alongside.) I’ve advanced to inside washing facilities, no stairs, an in-law unit for the pilgrims and room for chickens.

    A gas stove has been added to the list.

  14. Death house…where was this term when we were looking for our house?!

    I don’t cook so I have no opinion on gas stoves but The Husband does and he prefers gas. If the house has gas lines, even if the stove is electric, you can move that one out and bring in a gas one (of course, you will need someone who knows what they are doing to do so).

    The only other thing I’d recommend – get the seller to offer a home warranty. If not, buy it yourself – and then keep paying for it every year. It should cover most appliances, the AC, the water heater, etc. It will seem like a waste of money, until it helps you out.

  15. Michelle, Sounds like you have a good wish list and should stick to it. Love that name “death house.” My Randy and I are also getting our house ready to sell. Where we’ll go… who knows?

  16. Love the concept of “ender” house, though I do fear that the house dearly beloved and I bought 25 years ago will end up being ours. I want a real goddamn basement with an interior entrance, not the traipse through the backyard in the rain to get to the freezer house we have…

    That said, gas stoves DO work when the power is out (with a lighter or match). Definitely a plus here in the South…

  17. ADA accessible hallways (for wheelchair days), door handles instead of knobs (for arthritis), room for a hospital bed in the main living area (in case of hospice days). My parents built their “ender home” with these amenities. It’s two stories, but they can live entirely on the main floor, if they reach a point where stairs are truly out.

    Personally, I love the idea of a rock-garden. I’ve seen some beautiful ones in the south.

  18. Lists are good. I am not so particular when it comes to housing-I don’t think…let’s see.
    1) Pest free (or pretty much)
    2) Safe
    3) Quiet-insomnia.
    4) Feels done. If work is supposed to happen then sure, as long as it doesn’t have to happen for me to want to live there. No fixer uppers.
    Okay. Seems I have a list.
    I am my mother’s daughter.
    Good luck on your search!

  19. Maybe I will just live vicariously through you and your adventures. My move is in about 2 years or so to the death house. I love my house but my grandkids are an hour away. They are getting to the age I actually want to spend time with them. But, I keep thinking about moving. You know when you move a lot you don’t accumulate so much. Hmmm, I have lived in my house 40 years. Not looking forward to this. My son has already said he doesn’t want me to do yard work or clean my own house. Probably an intensive to get rid of my “valuables” ah craft stuff. I always thought I wanted a gas stove again but I am kinda loving the glass top. You just have to wait until it is completely cool to remove the sponge you have stuck to it…or food. Don’t listen to anyone when it comes down to really making the final decision. No one is going to live in that house but you and Randy. Well, you could listen to Randy, I guess….naaaa

    • HAHAHA, he’s going to be listening to me. Mostly. Yeah…weeding through our junk has been as big of job as painting. And I’m closer to having the painting done than I am getting through the junk

  20. For the love of Gawd keep the gas stove on the “must have” list. I have been cooking on a glass stove top for 8 years now and it is the devil. I’m not ready for our “ender” home yet but I do see that happening in about 10 years. I dream of no yard and nothing wood on the outside that can rot or be eaten. A plastic box will be fine as long as I don’t have assholes for neighbors.

    • You just touched on the only thing that will make us sell our death house. Asshole neighbors. I’m not riding this life out surrounded by asshole neighbors. I want my neighbors to be like me because I am the best neighbor on the planet. I will leave you the fuck alone.

  21. This is a very smart thing to do, something I never thought about, to get an ender house and plan the purchase accordingly, you did some really smart thinking by not going for 2 story and avoiding a garden.

  22. I am now – finally – living in a house with a gas stove, and I can tell you it rocks! Yes, it’s warm and toasty, and it makes the house smell great whatever I put in there. Don’t compromise, don’t settle. A gas stove will see you to death’s doorstep just fine.

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