Human-Sized Michael Stipe

I want to say that I made it through the first week of Randy’s absence, but it hasn’t been a week yet. It just feels like a week. Well, longer than a week.

I don’t want to get all mushy, but I downloaded Skype just a few minutes ago and got to see Randy. As we talked, all I could think was how gorgeous his blue eyes are. 

But this isn’t about how quiet and lonely my house is. Or how much laundry I have to do. Or how messy the kitchen is. This is about search terms.

You guys, people are so disturbing. Holy shit. Just because I’ve used the words “mom” and “son” and some expletives doesn’t mean you’re going to find freaky shit on my blog. Also, if you are using those search terms and get to my blog, you need help and you’re disturbed and gross.

Disturbing sex searches aside, I’ve had some interesting and perplexing searches recently.

Here is a sampling from the past few months:

My massage therapist touched me. Ummm, they’re supposed to. 

Normal status HAHAHAHAAHAHFUCKINGHAHAHA yeah, you aren’t going to find that here.

Safety for hell shoes Was this person looking for sensible foot attire to wear in hell? I wouldn’t get steel toed boots because your toes would get branded. 

Snot cake In all fairness, I did write about snot cake once. 

Why do golden bowl fortune cookies suck?  I don’t know. Why are twinkies both wonderful and dreadful both at the same time?

Someone married 3 times no thanks I don’t understand this at all. It seems more of an admonishment than a search. Like “Drink boiling bleach? No thanks!” or “Safety pin scorpions to my toes? No thanks!” 

Human sized Michael Stipe escapes hole book Are there elf sized Michael Stipes running around? Why would anyone have to specify “human sized” Michael Stipe? Doesn’t the fact that he’s human make it easy to assume that he’s human sized? Also, is there a dangerous book about holes where one can get lost or captured? Because I got a book store gift card for Christmas and I need some good recommendations. 

Touch my boobs as a reward I mean, it’s kind of a shitty reward. Maybe 30 years it would have been a decent reward. 

Movie villain election I hate to tell you this, internet searcher, but that wasn’t a movie. 

Rubber shoes as a sign of personality I guess we all have our ways of gauging personality. I’ve never considered rubber shoes as a sign. Unless they’re Crocs, then it’s totally a sign. 

Rubber shoe bad for eye site If they meant “sight” instead of “site”, then I totally get how rubber shoes could be bad for your eyesight, especially if you poke yourself in the eye with one. Eye site? Still get it. Rubber shoes don’t belong on a site about eyes. 

Robert Plant news  I don’t really know what is going on with Bob right now. This reminds me that I totally owe him a phone call. Or at least a text.


The next installment of Dude is Dude Does Big Bone Lick, Pt. 1.

Also, I was on Scary Mommy this week talking about addiction. Please stop by!







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  • Oh, Michelle, I just got done crying after reading your addiction article. Beautifully written. I could feel the pain, despair and anguish both you and your son were going through. I am so happy (for BOTH of you) that your son is healthy and thriving now. Sending you lots of love!

    P.S. When you mentioned Robert Plant, did you mean the human-sized Robert Plant? 🙂

  • “Rubber shoe bad for eye site”: my husband’s grandmother used to say you should never wear rubber boots in the house, because they’ll dry your eyes out. So there you go.

  • I’ve always suspected that Michael Stipe was a gnome or elf of some kind. This search by an astute person who also knows the truth has helped me resolve a lot of issues. Thank you, anonymous internet sojourner.

  • Those are amazing. The search terms that lead people to my blog are always simply creepy.

    I googled the Michael Stipe thing, which led me to a Colbert interview in which he talks about a book he wrote that has no pages. It only has a drawing of a hole that he intends to be an escape hatch for people.

    Did I just ruin that search entry for everyone?

  • Michael Stipe was just on Colbert, talking about an art exhibit that he has just done, big books with cut-outs. He had a very impressive beard.

  • I can currently recommend the book “We Took to the Woods.” Excellent read, enjoying it mightily. Found it on a free book shelf last week, but it is available on amazon.

    I’m also tempted to order “Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls” because, you know, I’m a rebel.

    Thanks for the addiction article. I love that you turned the screaming into writing.

      • Yes! Yes there is….and I SHIT YOU NOT…the town just before Big Bone Lick state park? Beaver Lick, KY. Not even kidding. I went to a wedding at the Beaver Lick baptist church once.

    • Thank you and thank you so much for the recommendation. I still haven’t made it to the bookstore. I’m kind of waiting for Randy to get back as going to the bookstore together is something we enjoy.

  • Dude has siblings!
    I stopped by our local drug store yesterday and when I walked by the gift area I saw several Dude dogs.

    • That is awesome! I wanted to send Randy one as a surprise while he’s out of town, but the site was sold out. My mountain friend has one as well, Randy had fun taking pictures of both of them. It was pretty funny.

  • I was a Led Zeppelin fanatic when I was in high school, and my mother (who spent a lot of effort correcting our diction) used to mock my sloppy speaking voice by calling him “Rubber Plant.” It worked, I was mortified when she did it in front of my best friend and straightened right up and flew right after that.
    There is a certain culture around drug use and addiction that normalizes forms of behavior that are rightly avoided by non-users, but I think it’s a stretch to say that they have lost their humanity. This is not to trivialize the damage addiction can do. I know many, many drug users and addicts, and each one of them carries the mark that their use has left upon their lives. I carry it myself. While my tolerance of the kind of behavior displayed by users and addicts has diminished in the nine years since the last time I got high, the perspective being clean for all of that time has brought me has actually made me both more sensitive to it and more understanding of it. I understand the struggle it can be to just function in society with all of that hanging over your head, and what it does to your motivation to succeed when you always know that a bit of bad luck could put you in prison at any moment.
    That being said, I’ve never done any heroin. I know people who have, and even a couple of them who still do, but I just never wanted to deal with that kind of commitment to getting high. Of my friends who have used drugs (read that everyone I know in real life) the ones who have taken up heroin use are the only ones who have come all the way clean, with the sole exception of me, and I had to have a stroke to get me to stop. So your hope is not unfounded.
    I would, though, like to spare a thought for all of the users and addicts out there just trying to live their lives, with all of the varying degrees of success you find in any group you can subdivide humanity into, but having to do so with the millstone of addiction to be carried through each of their days. They are out there. Lots and lots of them.
    But mostly, once again, I just want to express my admiration for the support you showed to your son when he really needed it and was the least receptive to it. That shows a strength of character that is rare indeed, and I know a whole lot of people who really could have used some of it and never got any.
    And as for the Golden Bowl Fortune Cookies, maybe they suck because of the dead body they found in the dough mixer:

    • Thank you so much for this. It is good to get your perspective it makes me sad that so many people suffer and it makes me hopeful to hear of people who are clean and not in prison. As far as my support goes, it goes without question that I will protect and defend my people with everything I have. I am often impatient and sometimes ignorant, but always, always loyal and fierce. I think it is partially because few adults had my back when I was a kid and no way would I let one of my children feel the same. Not that I didn’t make mistakes (I made a fuck ton) and I was never a perfect parent. Hahaha…but I don’t think my kids would ever say that they don’t feel loved. They know they are loved.

      and that is disgusting about the dough mixer

  • I was laughing all through your list of search terms and had a hilarious comment then I went and read your article on addiction and…well that was a couple of days ago and I felt compelled to keep rereading it.
    And I’m really looking forward to your book.

    • Hmmmm…that is odd. I am guessing with titles like that you get disturbing search terms as well. It’s my least favorite thing about my blog. I am sincerely disturbed by some of the things people search for.

By Michelle


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