I want to say that I made it through the first week of Randy’s absence, but it hasn’t been a week yet. It just feels like a week. Well, longer than a week.
I don’t want to get all mushy, but I downloaded Skype just a few minutes ago and got to see Randy. As we talked, all I could think was how gorgeous his blue eyes are.
But this isn’t about how quiet and lonely my house is. Or how much laundry I have to do. Or how messy the kitchen is. This is about search terms.
You guys, people are so disturbing. Holy shit. Just because I’ve used the words “mom” and “son” and some expletives doesn’t mean you’re going to find freaky shit on my blog. Also, if you are using those search terms and get to my blog, you need help and you’re disturbed and gross.
Disturbing sex searches aside, I’ve had some interesting and perplexing searches recently.
Here is a sampling from the past few months:
My massage therapist touched me. Ummm, they’re supposed to.
Normal status HAHAHAHAAHAHFUCKINGHAHAHA yeah, you aren’t going to find that here.
Safety for hell shoes Was this person looking for sensible foot attire to wear in hell? I wouldn’t get steel toed boots because your toes would get branded.
Snot cake In all fairness, I did write about snot cake once.
Why do golden bowl fortune cookies suck? I don’t know. Why are twinkies both wonderful and dreadful both at the same time?
Someone married 3 times no thanks I don’t understand this at all. It seems more of an admonishment than a search. Like “Drink boiling bleach? No thanks!” or “Safety pin scorpions to my toes? No thanks!”
Human sized Michael Stipe escapes hole book Are there elf sized Michael Stipes running around? Why would anyone have to specify “human sized” Michael Stipe? Doesn’t the fact that he’s human make it easy to assume that he’s human sized? Also, is there a dangerous book about holes where one can get lost or captured? Because I got a book store gift card for Christmas and I need some good recommendations.
Touch my boobs as a reward I mean, it’s kind of a shitty reward. Maybe 30 years it would have been a decent reward.
Movie villain election I hate to tell you this, internet searcher, but that wasn’t a movie.
Rubber shoes as a sign of personality I guess we all have our ways of gauging personality. I’ve never considered rubber shoes as a sign. Unless they’re Crocs, then it’s totally a sign.
Rubber shoe bad for eye site If they meant “sight” instead of “site”, then I totally get how rubber shoes could be bad for your eyesight, especially if you poke yourself in the eye with one. Eye site? Still get it. Rubber shoes don’t belong on a site about eyes.
Robert Plant news I don’t really know what is going on with Bob right now. This reminds me that I totally owe him a phone call. Or at least a text.
The next installment of Dude is Dude Does Big Bone Lick, Pt. 1.
Also, I was on Scary Mommy this week talking about addiction. Please stop by!