I want to retire in two years.
I was the grasshopper, not the ant…so you know, it’s going to be a lean retirement. Also, when I was a kid, I read Aesop’s Fables a billion times.
My first idea is to create a line of greeting cards for neurotics.
I feel like I have something for everyone. The giver or the receiver can be neurotic. Or both!
So far, this is what I have:
Outside of card: Sorry you’re stressing over your new job!
Inside of card: Too bad you’re not a psychopath, then it would be easy.
Outside: Happy Belated Birthday!
Inside: I can’t believe I forgot your birthday. I am a terrible friend. Just a horrible person. Remember that time I was 10 minutes late picking you up back in 1998? I just prove over and over that I can’t be trusted. And now I’m laying all of this on you! On your birthday! Or at least it would have been on your birthday if I weren’t such a fuck up.
Outside: Get Well Soon!
Inside: I checked WebMD for you. It’s not good.
Outside: Happy birthday to someone who approaches life with poise and confidence.
Inside: HAHAHAHA Just kidding. Happy birthday anyway, you great big ball of bunged up anxiety!
Outside: Happy Birthday!
Inside: Here’s to another year with no one finding out what an imposter you are!
Outside: Congrats on the birth of your baby!
Inside: Have you read the encyclopedia of pediatric disease yet?
Outside: Condolences on your loss.
Inside: I knew this was going to happen.
Outside: Happy Holidays!
Inside: Don’t forget to disappoint your mother!
Outside: Happy Valentine’s Day!
Inside: Is everything okay? You’re not mad at me, are you?
Outside: Thank you!
Inside: I know this is the third thank you card I sent, but were the first two sincere enough? Were they?
Outside: Congratulations on your graduation
Inside: Thus begins your life of questioning why in the hell you picked that major in the first place
Outside: Congrats on your new house!
Inside: Is it haunted?
Outside: Happy anniversary to the love of my life
Inside: Why did you change the password on your work phone? Not that I’m checking. Just tell me the truth. You’re tired of me, aren’t you? Should I get bangs? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
Outside: Congrats on your engagement!
Inside: Do you know what your future mother in law is going to wear to the wedding?
Okay, that’s all I have for now. I don’t know. I’d buy them.
If this doesn’t work out, I guess I could always get a part time job at an airport giftshop.
On an unrelated note, I was invited by Julia Roberts to participate in a roundup on her site, Decoding Creativity, about the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop which you can read here.