I need a side hustle

I want to retire in two years.

I was the grasshopper, not the ant…so you know, it’s going to be a lean retirement. Also, when I was a kid, I read Aesop’s Fables a billion times.

My first idea is to create a line of greeting cards for neurotics.

I feel like I have something for everyone. The giver or the receiver can be neurotic. Or both!

So far, this is what I have:

Outside of card: Sorry you’re stressing over your new job!

Inside of card: Too bad you’re not a psychopath, then it would be easy.

Outside: Happy Belated Birthday!

Inside: I can’t believe I forgot your birthday. I am a terrible friend. Just a horrible person. Remember that time I was 10 minutes late picking you up back in 1998? I just prove over and over that I can’t be trusted. And now I’m laying all of this on you! On your birthday! Or at least it would have been on your birthday if I weren’t such a fuck up.

Outside: Get Well Soon!

Inside: I checked WebMD for you. It’s not good.

Outside: Happy birthday to someone who approaches life with poise and confidence.

Inside: HAHAHAHA Just kidding. Happy birthday anyway, you great big ball of bunged up anxiety!

Outside: Happy Birthday!

Inside: Here’s to another year with no one finding out what an imposter you are!

Outside: Congrats on the birth of your baby!

Inside: Have you read the encyclopedia of pediatric disease yet?

Outside: Condolences on your loss.

Inside: I knew this was going to happen.

Outside: Happy Holidays!

Inside: Don’t forget to disappoint your mother!

Outside: Happy Valentine’s Day!

Inside: Is everything okay? You’re not mad at me, are you?

Outside: Thank you!

Inside: I know this is the third thank you card I sent, but were the first two sincere enough? Were they?

Outside: Congratulations on your graduation

Inside: Thus begins your life of questioning why in the hell you picked that major in the first place

Outside: Congrats on your new house!

Inside: Is it haunted?

Outside: Happy anniversary to the love of my life

Inside: Why did you change the password on your work phone? Not that I’m checking. Just tell me the truth. You’re tired of me, aren’t you? Should I get bangs? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Outside: Congrats on your engagement!

Inside: Do you know what your future mother in law is going to wear to the wedding?

Okay, that’s all I have for now. I don’t know. I’d buy them.

If this doesn’t work out, I guess I could always get a part time job at an airport giftshop.

On an unrelated note, I was invited by Julia Roberts to participate in a roundup on her site, Decoding Creativity, about the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop which you can read here.








18 Thoughts.

  1. Are you kidding me? You? – In an airport gift shop with hundreds of people asking stupid questions in your face every single day? You’d be a candidate for one of your own cards – Outside: ‘Sorry you’re in police custody’.
    Inside: ‘Worth it!’

  2. There’s a coffee shop near me that sells weird and funny greeting cards. They’re not quite at this level of neurosis–or maybe they are; I can’t say I’ve looked through all of them, although the one that stands out to me says “Congratulations! You Did The Thing!”–but there’s definitely a market for these kinds of cards.
    Hell, I’d buy some of these. Some I would buy for myself because, you know, decades later I’m still questioning why I picked that major.

  3. OK, third try. OK, let me try this again, I wrote a comment and it disappeared. I may need to sign in with my old screen name to get it to post, I don’t know. Anyway, I know a woman, also named Michelle, who has postcards as a side hustle. Or maybe it’s a front hustle, I don’t really know as I haven’t talked to her since we were housemates in 2011. Back then she was in a percussion band with her then boyfriend Sean and she made excellent cupcakes. Here’s a link to her postcard thing:
    I didn’t do any retirement planning but before that could become a problem I had a stroke and haven’t been able to work for going on fifteen years. It hasn’t been easy, but then again it never really was, and things are beginning to work themselves out now. Briana has a court date in January where she will be named executor of her mom’s will and become co-owner of some property in Humboldt County where we plan on living. When we left Humboldt County in 1984, a friend told us “You’ll be back.” We said “Never.” So now we know how long never is: it is apparently 38 years.

  4. No, we’re still in Sugar Pine for now, I just had to use the Doug in Oakland screen name to post a link in my comment. We plan on moving some time next year.

  5. OMG, your cards had me laughing out loud. I’d probably buy all of them – not to give so much as to just sit and imagine, while laughing uproariously, who I’d actually like to give them to. Your imminent retirement could be the most fun of your life!

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