I Never Learn


So, we had a wedding shower for my future daughter in law.

My older son, Zach, is getting married early next month. This is weird. My kid is getting married.

They are happy and good together, so I am thrilled. They are flying to the ocean and getting married on the beach.

We don’t do big parties in my family. Zach’s fiance hates gatherings more than I do, so small works for everyone.

So, strangers were in my house.

Not many, but even one stranger is enough to make my throat close up a little.

We’re not finished with the renovations yet, but we’re getting there. We got the tub re-glazed and the tile done. And I’ve only ruined the new finish on one tile so far! Go me!

I’m not finished, but it’s not bad. I mean, we still haven’t completely eliminated the weird ass previous owner funk from the house, but scented candles go a long way.

I cleaned the bathroom and Randy tried to ply me with beer.beer

I am not a beer fan.

It doesn’t matter how many beers Randy asks me to try. I just don’t like beer.

He will take exception to this and say that there is some beer I like. Like a good stout. But, I would just explain to him, as I have many times, there are just some beers that I hate less than others.

Since I am apparently unteachable, I tried his beer.

Randy: I think you’ll like this one. It’s an elderberry gose. It tastes like a sweet tart.

Me: Okay, fine.



Me: Holy shit, that is terrible. It tastes like a sweet tart that has had all the joy sucked out of it.

Me: It tastes like a sweet tart that a smelly old man has been storing in his armpit.

Randy: I thought you’d like it.

Me: Based on what? How many other times I like it when you get me to try beer?

Me: At least this one doesn’t smell like cat piss.

Randy: I knew you’d like it.

After rejecting Randy’s “nothing like sweet tarts” beer, I had a small bourbon.

We managed to get the house sort of in order. I at least got the tarps and paint cans out of sight. I got snacks and drinks on the table with about 9 minutes to spare.

My son’s fiance invited her mom and grandparents. They were lovely. Plus, we had cake. I don’t like gatherings, but I do like cake.

I’m happy we are adding to our family.

I am thrilled for my son. I hope that his lovely fiance feels welcome and loved. She is in for a quite a trip. My family tries super hard to be normal, but we can’t spend too much time there. It’s not in our nature.

My youngest sister sort of summed it up in her card. She signed it: Welcome to the family. Sorry.Β 


Damn, I love my sister.


Photo courtesy of Free-Photos.


About the author


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • I think I would like your sister! β€œWelcome to the family. Sorry!”

    That just says it all. One of those. Welcome to the ride. Hope you enjoy yourself. And you realize rollercoasters were never your thing.

  • Ha ha ha, yep, that sums up how I’d welcome someone into my family too.
    I’m with you on the beer, it’s just not my thing, you can add peaches, raspberries and whatever you like to it, it’s still not bourbon.
    I don’t know why people keep trying to persuade me to like it either, I will never want to drink a pint of something that tastes like old teabags and drain cleaner, with a hint of nutmeg.

  • As craft beer aficionado in your fan base, I’d advise Randy that he should be grateful his spouse does not like his beer. That way he knows it won’t disappear faster than he was planning. I love craft beer; hubby doesn’t. Makes a great match in this household.

  • Congratulations on your expanding family! While I like a good stout (a bit too much), I have that same “this tastes like cat piss” reaction to many beers. My husband doesn’t taste it. Glad to hear your renno is close to livable!

  • Congratulations! It’s such a relief to have a great daughter-in-law. You hear horror stories.
    I agree with you pretty much about beer except I like dark beers. Pee colored beer and snap-e-Tom I love however.

  • The only beer I drink is Steel Reserve 32’s because if you slam it at 7:01 am you can make it til 11 when the liquor store opens.
    That’s why I don’t drink anymore… too much planning and sucking on stuff I hated while waiting for the bourbon… πŸ˜‰
    Yay for daughters!!! Any daughters <3
    Yay for happy sons with nice new in-laws who like cake and no extraneously excessive socializing <3

    …and Just Say No to pilsners and pub stalwarts πŸ˜‰

  • Congratulations, to you and Zach and your new daughter-in-law to be.
    I don’t drink beer any more, or really any alcohol. I had a sip of Sara’s wine when we were at The Joy Formidable show at the winery in Sonoma, but neither of us liked it and I think she poured most of it into a large potted plant.
    I used to like beer enough that I learned how to make it. We discovered that you can make a good-tasting (if you like beer) ale by breaking rules and taking shortcuts, usually not a recipe for success at almost any other endeavor I can think of. Mostly what I remember about it was the gurgling of two Alhambra bottles with water traps on them in the bathroom, the constant battle with the little ants that loved everything about the process of beer-making, and the time we hopped a batch with green bud manicure trimmings and came out with a surprisingly tasty product that you did not need more than one bottle of to feel really good for hours. Of course we only discovered that when we broke it out when some friends were over to play music, everyone liked it enough to want a second bottle, and our front room looked like Jonestown after a couple of hours…

  • one of the true Joy’s of being an alcoholic/addict in recovery is I have completely missed the whole weird craft beer thing.

    I keep reading about orange beer, strawberry beer, chocolate beer…i think this stuff was designed to keep me sober.

    I so, never say never, because you clearly learn all the time. i have paint cans in the hallway that have been there months, while i ponder what i am supposed to do, as an adult, with leftover paint. no idea. do you keep it? take it to toxic waste? what do you keep it for? still pondering.

    • I, too, drank my life’s allotment of booze many years ago. and got to miss all the weird flavors. is anything 200 proof? no? then why bother?
      I went to a great wedding over the summer, but when I grabbed a can of seltzer it was … hard seltzer! like, we added booze to your water! W T actual F? I went back and got real seltzer. with lemon juice. like a normal person.

      but, real reason I’m here — if you leave the lid off your basic latex paint and let it dry out, you can toss it right in the trash. Not toxic at all! will not leach anything! I usually leave it open on the porch, so I don’t smell it, but most of it is low VOC these days, so the smell won’t even be too bad.

  • LOL at your sister’s card. I don’t have that humor in my family. My husband does though. Not as funny, but when I first met his parents, we arrived at their house at the same time his brother pulled in. He and his brother were chatting outside before we went in, and saw their dad coming over. Dad walked directly over to me and gave me a big hug while his two sons looked at each other wide-eyed. Apparently their dad is not a hugger. He hugs me every time. I feel loved and welcomed. πŸ™‚

  • Coming together of families is always an odd thing. I’ve been married twice and still haven’t figured out how to make that work! I have been blessed with two sons and worry about what that will be like in the future. My mom is good about staying out of other people’s business and I hope that I can be warm and nurturing, but also know when to stay in my own space when that day comes. Best wishes for a great mother/daughter in-law relationship! I’d have you as my MIL any day!

  • I was going to compare you and Randy with beer to Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football but then I realized Randy’s not intentionally trying to trick you. No, that’s something your sister would do. Or something you’d do to your sister.
    Yeah, I do think Randy’s not above the occasional practical joke–part of what keeps y’all together is a similar sense of humor.
    Congratulations to Zach and his bride to be. May they be as happy as you and Randy and just as graceful in accepting that everybody ruins the finish on the occasional tile.

    • I think they’ve got it. My son adores her. He has been a grumpy old man since he was very young. He told me that one thing he loves about her is how excited she gets over things. Like exuberantly excited. That makes my heart happy.

  • I’ve never really developed a taste for beer, which seems like an unmanly thing to say, especially from someone who drinks alcohol as much as I do, but oh well.

    I just don’t get it. There are so many good things you can do with alcohol. If there was no possible alternative but beer then I could see it, but… Wine? Rum? Seriously, beer drinker, you can do better.

  • Congratulations! You deduced correctly that any beer claiming to taste like a sweet tart is better in a spitoon. Beers that smell like cat piss are much preferred πŸ™‚
    Oh, and congrats on making family out of strangers, almost finishing the reno, and your son’s wedding. So much to be thankful for, but mostly that you don’t have to try that beer again.

  • “Welcome to the family. Sorry.”
    I love your sister! best welcome ever. I will say the same to my future kids-in-law. thank her for me!
    (trigger warning — news mention ahead —
    with anxiety levels spiraling upward these days, what with the ptsd and the SA talk all over the place, thanks for making me laugh out loud and refocus. I needed it! )

By Michelle

Get the blog by email