I mean, it might be my mojo.
I started writing a few things. I entered a humor writing contest where you create funny headlines, pick your favorite and write a story. I am posting my first attempt here today. It was okay, but I like the one I actually submitted a lot more. The results will be announced today. I don’t expect to win anything, but it does feel good to write again.
I haven’t found my mojo yet, but I am getting glimpses of it.
Anyway, here is the story I decided not to enter.
Amaze Your Guests With Easy Hors D’oeuvres Created From Food Found in Your Bra
If you are a woman, have boobies and wear a bra, chances are, you discover the occasional food stuff when removing your bra.
If you are like me, and have the manual dexterity of a toddler on crack, this happens almost daily.
Wait? What? Is…is this a cashew? I didn’t have cashews today.
Your bra might yield a single bite Hors D’oeuvres or a mouthful, depending on your cup size.
Either way, you probably won’t have enough to feed a party. Even on my best day, I’ve never yielded more than enough for a paltry midnight snack.
I suggest you use your bra leftovers as inspiration for offering friends and family an evening of culinary delight.
Find a pine nut?
Make that one pasta salad recipe, heavy on the parsley and capers with pine nuts and hold the mayo. You know, the pasta salad that no one eats because it doesn’t look like every other pasta salad dish on the planet. Even though it’s goddamn delicious.
Partially melted cheese?
Fondue! I mean, clean up the Fondue maker first because damn.
Find an m&m? Plain or peanut?
Don’t forget to have a variety of sweet treats for the kids! Also, eat that m&m as soon as you find it because it will be soft and squishy and delicious.
Tiny scrap of meat from the ill-advised meatball sub you had at lunch?
The sub which made your stomach bubble like a cauldron? Make Aunt Betty Jean’s crockpot meatballs! Of course! It’s not a party until you break out crockpot meatballs in jelly sauce.
Perhaps, just spend a little less time at the corner bar. If you’re finding beer nuts, then you probably have some issues that need to be addressed before you consider entertaining guests.
The point is, nearly any scrap of food that drops out from under your boob can be used to spawn ideas.
When you remove your bra at the end of the day, what shakes out can help guide you in your quest to create the perfect party atmosphere.
For all that is holy, keep your inspiration a secret.
Experience dictates no one appreciates receiving such information. The only bonus is the comical faces your guests make when they freeze mid-bite upon hearing the origin of the food they are eating.
Another word of warning: Do not eat or draw inspiration from any morsel of food found in your bra if you find it after having words with Delores in accounting. The food will be bitter and will poison the air around you. You know how toxic Delores is.
The only thing you can do with that food is to bury it and salt the earth, then pray no man nor beast disturbs the ground under which it lies.
Oh, if you do find partially melted cheese in your bra?
Wash that bra pronto. You don’t want to wear your cheesy bra and risk hearing “What the hell smells like sour milk?” all day at work.