Well, it finally happened.
I got a blog post idea and I thought would be funny. I was just now sitting on my deck and kind of sketching the idea out in my head. Then I thought “Well, fuck. I can’t write that.”
I wanted to write a 100% honest job interview transcript. I was going through strengths and weaknesses. In my head the interview was hilarious. I realized that as an employed person who may one day desire to be employed elsewhere, I might not want to give 100% honest answers to those questions where they could be found with a simple internet search.
Note to current and future employers: Haha! I’m just kidding. I’m not weird. I promise. Nothing to see here. Go read a dry trade journal or something. Shoo.
I’m not worried, I mean, who has ever given a completely honest job interview? It’s not just me. Right? I’m nearly positive about this, but now I’m second guessing. Dammit. Now, I have to think of something funny and not damning about strengths and weaknesses just in case.
I’m still not writing the post, though. Sure, I’ll write about mental illness and shitty childhoods, but divulge my real, honest to goodness strengths and weaknesses? Until the “buckets of money” fairy shows up, I’ll just have to keep that shit to myself.
I will tell you this story, though.
I’ve written a few times about my mother-in-law, Bonnie. I adored Bonnie. I haven’t had many “safe places” in my life, but she is one of them. I miss her like mad.
When she was ill and dying, the company I worked for was in the process of being sold. I could see the writing on the wall. Shit was not going to end well. I wasn’t going to wait around to the inevitable end and be stuck in a tiny town in the middle of Ohio with no possible job prospects. We had to go. So, while making many weekend trips to visit Randy’s mom, I was also actively job hunting.
I interviewed with a place that manufactured stuff for animal hospitals. At that point, I still thought I wanted to stay in management and the job was for an IT director, which was my title at the time.
Let me interject here. I am so goddamn glad I had the realization that I fucking hated being a manager before accepting any jobs. I love people. I do. Mostly, I love people in theory. Mostly, not in practice. I also hate being a manager. You can’t give sarcastic answers when they complain about stupid shit. Laughing and rolling your eyes is frowned upon. You have to hold that shit in. I spent five years feeling like I might explode.
Anyway, life was a horror show during that time. Life was sad, painful, and exhausting. A week before Bonnie died, I took Randy to his mother’s house and returned home without him. He and his sisters were going to be there around the clock. At the time, we thought it would be around 30 days. It ended up being 8.
I made the 6 hour trip home alone and during that trip, I had a phone interview.
I probably don’t have to say that my head was not in the right place for a job interview, right?
I did it though. They asked the same fucking questions that we all hear in job interviews. I dislike many of the questions. The one I loathe over all others is this one: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Motherfucker. Do I look like I have a TARDIS? Give me a goddamn time machine and I’ll just go and see where I’ll be in five years. Where do I see myself? Hopefully on a sandy beach where pleasant looking young men are bringing me alcohol in coconut shells.
What I said was this: I hate this question. It’s pointless. So, here’s my answer. In five years, I want to be a princess.
Not only did I get a second interview, I ended up getting a job offer. The money was more than I had ever made, significantly more. Then, they got to the work schedule. 6 days a week and 4 hours every other Sunday. Oh, and those six days? 9 to 10 hours a day.
HAHAHAAFUCKINGHAHAHAAH. Fuck that.
I turned down their money, their insane work schedule, and thought “just be a programmer again. You’re not getting any younger and people aren’t getting less annoying.”
I don’t know what the point is, other than to offer you job search help. If you interview during a time of pain and grieving, you might end up doing really well.
I’m also still not a princess. And it’s been over five years.
This is bullshit.