I’ll Need A Beehive


The hairdo, not an actual hive with bees in it.

Around two years ago, I noticed when I ran that my feet tingled. A lot. It seemed like they were always on the verge of going numb. This lasted for over a month before I went to the doctor and by then my tingly feet were NOTHING compared to my hypochondria.

My doctor sent me to a nerve specialist who said I did not have nerve damage. They didn’t get better, but hearing that helped ease my hypochondria flare up.

After a year of no change, I went to a podiatrist and he said that I have Peripheral Neuropathy. He said it’s slow but progressive and it won’t get better.

I asked him if that meant that one day I wouldn’t be able to walk anymore. He was very cheery and reassuring when he replied: “I have no idea”!


I was home for lunch earlier this week and my feet were in full on tingle mode.

Me, feeling all hypochondria-y:  What happens if I can’t walk when I’m old?

Randy, who is very used to our ‘medical’ discussions: I will push you in a wheel chair.

Me, feeling a little panicky: What if you’re too old? What if you can’t push me?

Randy: We’ll get you a Hoveround.

Me: I’ll need velour and a beehive.

Randy: You’ll need what?

Me: If I need a Hoveround when I’m old, I’m wearing nothing but velour and my hair will need to be in a beehive. And I’ll need cat eye glasses with rhinestones.

Randy: Why wait?

Me: If I had kept that one shirt you got me for Christmas a few years ago, I could have practiced. Remember that one? Black velour? Animal print collar and cuffs? That one that a 90 year old woman in Miami would have declared ‘gaudy’?

Randy: Oh yeah. How come you never wear it?

Me: Dude, that was donated before New Year’s.

Randy very often buys me clothes that I love. He’s pretty good at picking out shoes as well…however, when he sucks at picking out clothes, he sucks at a professional level.

For instance, he found an outfit that he wanted to buy me for my 40th birthday. He picked out a rockabilly sundress that was white with red cherries on it. He picked out red pumps that probably would have accelerated my nerve damage. He even picked out little red cherry barrettes.

HAHAHAH. I am all for wearing what you want, age appropriateness be damned…but there is a fucking line and that line is WAY before wearing a dress that shouldn’t be worn by anyone under the age of 12.

I guess I will just have to wait and see. It’s possible when I’m 90, you’ll see me in a rockabilly dress, beehive hair held up with plastic cherry barrettes and a velour throw. I wouldn’t get too close, though..I’ll probably run you over with my Hoveround.

Pretty sure Randy will still think I’m hot.

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  • I always tell my kids how (much more) I am going to embarrass them when I’m older, riding around in Rascal. I also have tingly feet and legs, and occasionally trip over my own feet. Maybe I’ll run into you as we cruise around in our customized chairs. Well not literally run into you,although I wouldn’t rule out that possibility.

  • Bahaha

    I have been talking with my honey about getting a walker for the bedroom due to my crummy Skeeball Back injury. You know, just to get from the bed to the bathroom in the morning. Pretty sure he is getting it for my birthday in a few weeks. A girl can only dream!

    I used to have the numbness in my feet when I exercised. So, I stopped. It is much better.

    But I can completely relate to the tingles. A few weeks ago, I had to have an arterial blood draw in the ER and bitch hit a nerve in each arm which sent Emperor Palpatine-esque lightning shooting through my fingers, which quickly progressed to hellfire. For THREE WEEKS!! Seems to be gone, for now. I guess I was only partially maimed for life.

    What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Totally go for the track suit and beehive. It will change your life. I long for the day when I can wear my underwear on the outside of my clothes just to screw with people. Pretty sure that age is 37.

    • 37?? I made it 50 so far without making too many underwear mistakes…you still have a way to go!

      Skeeball injury? And I thought my shopping injury was bad.. 🙂

  • Well, that will be kind of fun, won’t it?
    One time I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and my legs were completely numb. I just stood there for a minute thinking, “Where are my legs???” and then it was like they turned to jelly and melted. So I crawled to the bathroom and used the toilet, and then crawled back into my bed. I was pretty sure I was going to be dead in the morning. But I didn’t die, and it never happened again!
    Anyway maybe you just have poor circulation???

    • There’s a name for it..usually this happens with diabetics, but I am not diabetic..it’s basically neuropathy without a known cause. It gets worse when I drink alcohol..it used to be just tingling, but now my toes hurt a lot. I can get used to that…I just don’t want to not be able to walk.

      Man..that leg thing would have scared me to death…glad it was just the one time!

By Michelle


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