I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead


Okay, so things took a turn. 

Randy is back in the hospital due to an infection and he will likely be there through the week. He is getting the care he needs and while this is terrifying and serious, he will get better. 

We got back to the emergency room Saturday night and the surgeon explained what he thought the issue was. The more he spoke, the more I realized I knew his voice. I even closed my eyes at one point as to just hear his voice. 

Me: Dude, do you know who you sound like?

Doctor, whose shoulders slightly slumped when I asked him the question: Go ahead and say it. I know what you’re going to say. 

Me: You sound exactly like Steve Buscemi. 

Doctor: I hear that all the time. 

I told Dr. Buscemi that I didn’t understand everything he was saying, so I made up a scale. The “Terrifying Scale” and I asked him on the Terrifying Scale where 10 = imminent death and 1 = valid trip to the hospital, where does Randy fall.

He gave him a two.

It’s serious. But only a 2 on the Terrifying Scale. He will be okay. I am tired and distracted and ready to put this behind us. Nearly everything in my life has been put on hold other than work and hospital time.

I didn’t, however, want to abandon all of you, so I asked some fellow blogging friends if they could share a post with me to share with you. This post comes from Ashley at The Malleable Mom.


“Good night, Mom.”

“‘Night!” I wave my hand from the couch as I bask in the glow of the Netflix phase of parenthood. Having tweeners has its downs, but one of the serious ups is that they can put themselves to bed and sleep through the night. Boo Ya!…

So when I hit 40, I didn’t focus on my new wrinkles or underarm sags. Instead, I told myself: “I’m going to get some serious-ass pillow time and make up for the past ten years of sleep-deprived baby-wrangling…”

Then one day, I kissed my hubby goodnight, and rolled over, reveling in the thought of getting a solid block of snooze until my bladder or a house fire woke me up…



“Hon? Did you say something?” Silence. My husband is famous for his ninja-like ability to hit the pillow and fall asleep. I started to drift off, and a few minutes later, I heard it again: a small choking noise coming out of my spouse’s nostrils. “Znh!”


Because I am such a concerned, sensitive wife, I reached over and delicately shoved his shoulder. He jolted awake like I just stabbed him in the kidney. “Wha-?”

“Roll over! You’re snoring!” I hissed through gritted teeth.

And that’s how my post-child phase of sleep interruption began.

At first, it only happened once in a while – maybe once a week. Now, it’s every night. I have always had a hard time falling asleep. I need two things to drift off into la la land: darkness and quiet. So this new noise cutting into my space was an enormous problem. I mean, are you serious? I just achieved the golden milestone of parenthood – sleeping through the night regularly – and now my spouse was keeping me up at night? You have GOT to be kidding me.

I was on it: “It was nice knowing you, but I’m afraid we’re going to need his-n-her bedrooms from now on.”

“Oh we are, are we? Should we just get his-n-her houses while we’re at it?” he retorted.

“Yay! Can I get the bigger one? You can have the guest shed in the backyard, and come in for conjugal visits.”

When we relayed our amazing separate rooms/houses plan to certain people, they found it less brilliant and more “disturbing” (Sorry, Mom), but my husband and I thought we were hilarious. However, all joking aside, it seems we are not alone in this issue.

Mention the word “snoring” to couples, and you can get them pointing fingers at each other faster than if you ask who is worse at loading the dishwasher. People are sleeping in separate bedrooms, or on couches, or even in their kids’ rooms, using “bonding time” as an excuse to get some freakin’ rest!

For the time being, we have found a solution that works for us. My nighttime ritual is to set my alarm, plug in my cellphone, and then plug in my ears. I managed to find earplugs that drown out enough of my husband’s snoring but still allow me to hear critical things like tornado alarms or kid vomit hitting the bathroom floor.

I know I’m one of the lucky ones: My husband is a thin man, and when he saws logs, it’s not that bad. It sounds more like he’s sawing small branches. I’ve been stuck in rooms with much larger people who have diagnosed sleep apnea, and it’s torture. These people sound like they’re trying to raze an entire forest when they conk out.

Those of you who live with this problem know it’s no joke. Sleep deprivation is a serious medical issue. In nursing school, I learned that a lack of sleep has similar effects on a person’s performance to being intoxicated. Also, people who snore profoundly are not getting enough oxygen at night, and this can lead to behavior and personality changes like fatigue and shortened temper. There are sleep clinics that can diagnose sleep apnea, so (clears throat and puts on pharmaceutical commercial voice) ask your doctor if you think this is right for you or someone that you love. And if you can’t get your snoring partner to go to a sleep clinic, there are a number of over the counter devices you can buy and discreetly place on their nightstand. (Trading sexual favors if they wear them is a great way to use positive reinforcement!)

For the record, my husband tells me that I snore too, but I call bullshit. I mean, I’ve never heard it…

This post originally ran on Club Mid at Scary Mommy.

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  • Hubby had several trips to the ER last year, so I know what it’s like. Wish I’d thought of the scary scale but we never had Dr. Buscemi. Wishing you the best. And Ashley? My guy says I snore too, and I don’t believe him for a minute.

    • They gave him a different one that he likes MUCH more and he’s using it, but he is in more pain now. He’s hurting. 🙁

      Yeah, the rest of my year should be good. It better be. Or I want a redo.

  • So Randy needs some more maintenance. Shouldn’t be a big deal. It could’ve been an 8 on the 10 scale. You’re good.
    Nice posts. It reminds me of why I sleep in the livingroom. Nothing like my wife having a coughing fit to wake me up with my feet on the floor before I realize what it was. Plus, I have the big screen to keep me company and now she uses her Kindle all night. Oh well. It’s easier to get sleep than to blame her for keeping me awake. She doesn’t play the blame game well, says experience.

    Maybe we can have some more dual people posts. Randy doesn’t have to require maintenance everytime.

  • Oh no – even though it’s a 2 it’s still worrying. I hope he gets better real soon !!!
    Snoring – don’t get me started – my husband snores like you won’t believe. I’ve had to turn the TV up in another room because of his snoring. It’s all good if I fall asleep first – but that may happen once or twice a month.
    He says I snore too but I call bullshit on that – I think he’s trying to make me feel like it’s not just him but I say it is !!!
    Take care of yourself – lotsa hugs xox

  • Ugh! Take a swig and then pour a little whisky on it, Clint. It’ll help perfect your squint.
    M & A, you know our lives are basically a long game of trade-offs: pms & cramps for mentalpause; nightly kid issues for noisy husbands; blah blah blah…big sighhh. Nothing to do about it except…face it with humour! (and wine or one of its friends) Just keep writing.

  • *BIG HUG*

    Thanks for getting us a sitter! She tells great stories 🙂

    On the ‘Terrifying Scale’ I think a 2 feels like an 8.

    Just like on the weather when they say, “40 degrees but it feels like 20 with the wind chill factor.”

    Tell Randy to enjoy that good pump action 🙂


  • I am so sorry you are having more worrisome issues! Keeping the anxieties coming is a good way to make yourself sick. Please take care of yourself too! Ashley did a terrific job – don’t get me started on snoring (hubby has sleep apnea). Big hug and fingers crossed that Randy is just under “maintenance” right now and will be as good as new by the end of the week!

    • I do need to take care of myself. I am so fucking run down. I have to stop living on little powdered donuts. I did sleep a solid 6 hours last night, so that’s a start.

  • Your doctor sounded like Steve Buscemi. At least he didn’t look like Steve Buscemi, which I think would be more disturbing.

    Also I love the snoring story because, hey, at least he ain’t sleepwalking. My wife has found me standing on the corner of the bed, standing in the kitchen, and we had to take down a picture that hung over the bed because one night I was trying to take it down to get to the safe in the wall where I’d hidden a computer disk.
    Of course there is no safe in the wall, but details don’t matter when you’re asleep.

    • Hahahah…yeah…my first husband used to sleepwalk. It’s goddamn freaky.

      And this doctor didn’t just sound like Steve Buscemi..he sounds EXACTLY like Steve Buscemi. Even the way he phrases his words. It was so surreal. Of course everything is surreal right now. I’m tired.

  • Well, Michelle, you scared the bejeebies out of me, too, when I began reading this! However, I am so relieved that Randy is going to be just fine and that eventually, all will return to your version of “normal”. 🙂 At least the doctor didn’t sound like Joe Pesci! “Randy should recover so well, he’ll regain his UTE!” HAHA!

    Thank you to Ashley for the great story about sleep deprivation, which I can relate to, since last night is the first time in several days I’ve actually gotten some decent sleep. When my goddaughter stayed here recently, she informed me that I snored like a power tool on full throttle. I apparently kept her up half the night. I tried to deny it, but I have to admit that there are times I’ve woken myself up with my own snoring! I’m like, 5’4″ and 100 pounds! Where the hell is it coming from? 😀

    I’ll be thinking of you and Randy, Michelle and keeping you both in my prayers! Huge hugs! XO

  • OMG, Michelle that is terrifying. I’m sure he’s mending well though and I hope life gets back to normal asap. Great guest post, Ashley and I’m always delighted to meet a new blogger! My guy doesn’t snore so I’m very lucky but I know many couples who suffer. My BIL has to use a sleep apnea aid.

  • So sorry to hear of the set back for your husband. You were right on target just getting a 2 in your terrifying scale to combat the infection and get it under control!
    I know my way around a few hospitals and you can ask for pillows and blankets for you and even some hospitals will let you order dinner too. So you can both nap and snack, if he is up for it, while recovering.

  • Thanks for thinking of us while all this is going on for you. You didn’t need to, and it was nice. I’m using the terrifying scale (hopefully not soon), it’s a brilliant idea. Take care.

    • It really was for me as well. I’m really stressed out as he is still struggling and new issues are popping up..nothing devastating, but still. I wanted to try to stay on a regular schedule here so that I’m not tempted to walk away. I’ve worked at this for years now and I don’t want to give this writing business up. 🙂

  • I love that you recognized his voice in the middle of all this, and I love your scale. I’m sorry that you are going through all this and I am glad things are improving. <3

    I am a double threat, as not only do I snore and cause sleep-deprivation in others, I am also highly irrational when I am sleep deprived. I expect to wake up in the back yard someday. Perhaps buried. 🙂

  • I love your terrifying scale. I need to teach that to my mother. Every time my dad goes in, she is at a 10, when often the issue merits a 1 or 2. Love asking the doctor to peg that for you.

    Thoughts to Randy.

  • So I sat down to wait for an oil change and decided to catch up on some long overdue blog reading…so sorry to hear all this!! Get well soon wishes to Randy and some rest for you!

    Miss your voice…sorry I’ve been AWOL completely since like Thanksgiving. Long story…

    And OMFG YES ON THE SNORING. Just wtf.

    Earplugs are my new best friend or we’d seriously have separate bed rooms. Gahhhh

  • so sorry to hear about Randy being back in the hospital, and still in pain. eeesh. That sucks. I can withstand anything except pain and discomfort.

    I’m sure having a doctor who sounds like Steve Buscemi will help take his mind off of the pain/make him want to run screaming from the hospital. Buscemi’s voice makes everything better. And by better, I mean creepier … Have you seen 50 Shades of Buscemi?

    Great guest post as well. The end reminded me of that old three stooges joke, “I once stayed up all night to see if I snored, and I didn’t.” For some reason, snoring is annoying af in a spouse, but I could watch my dogs snore all night. Why is snoring so goddamned adorable in a dog? Shit. Now I have to go youtube “snoring dogs.” See ya next spring.

    (I hope Randy starts feeling better very soon!)

  • I didn’t even know who Steve Buscemi was until I Googled him. I am so out of the loop, it’s a little scary. Sorry I haven’t been around lately to offer my support and encouragement. The last month or two have been a bear. My mother used to say that and I’m not sure why – she would always mean “rough” or “difficult” – but I’m not sure a bear is either of those things. They look like they would be soft with all that fur – but I suppose they might be difficult, especially if you came between them and some berries or their cubs. Here’s hoping that Randy gets to come home soon and that both of you are healthy and happy!!

  • I somehow missed this post until now and didn’t realize that things have been so serious. Your “Brazilian” post put a pretty light touch on it. You poor baby! If you need a terrifying scale in the first place then that means that it’s…well…terrifying. I hope you are finally on the other side of this now, that Randy is on a sure path to recovery, and that you are getting some peace and rest. Thanks for thinking of us and providing such a fantastic guest post.

By Michelle


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