I’m Dying This Afternoon. How’s Your Day?


H is for the headache that’s a tumor.

Y is for the yeast infection brought on by unnecessary antibiotics.

P is for the pillow that I need.

O is for the orgasms that must wait because I don’t feel good and I really just want to rest and we’ll just have to wait for the weekend.

C is for the chills and are offset by motherfucking hot flashes.

H is for the headache that probably isn’t a tumor but is more likely an indication that a massive stroke is headed my way.

O is for the OMG my stomach hurts again.

N is for the nagging feeling there is something malignant growing in me.

D is for the doctor who gives me the wrong drugs.

R is for the racing heartbeat and sweaty skull.

I is for the issue with acid reflux that is causing me to digest my face.

A is for the anxiety medication that I take that used to feel good but now just makes me really tired.

Put them all together and they spell ‘Fucking hell can I please just have one day where I don’t feel like shit and maybe get one more good night’s sleep before I die’.

Seriously, I can’t go back to the doctor again. I don’t know why I feel bad. I don’t even go to WebMD anymore. I’ve memorized the entire site. YES I HAVE. In fact, I should have my own medical degree by now.

On the other hand, maybe this is just menopause and I’m a ginormous wussy.

Or maybe, I have some sort of alien disease that no one else on the planet has. Just me. Michelle disease. I’ll be in medical journals. I’ll be a new entry on the WebMD website.

Great. Something else I have to memorize.

Now would one of you get me a cupcake?


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  • So…would we look you up under Michelle Disease or Dr. Michelle, or both? I like Dr. Michelle… 🙂

    Sorry you’re not feeling good. I’d give you all the advice like takefishoilandeatrawfoodonlyandrun100milesadayanddocharityworkonweekendswhileadoptingorophinpuppiesandthenyoullfeelgreat, but I haven’t mastered that crap yet myself, so–

    How about– Get under a blanket with a great book and some pizza and wait for it to be tomorrow?

    Today I’m wasting time at my computer, but I did totally rock getting us a new wi-fi system that won’t cause us to use 1 million gigs of data every month and possibly fund the corporate party for Verizon again this month, so I’m pretty happy about my day so far. But I do have 10-15 jr. high girls showing up here for 3 hours tonight, so, all bets could be off by then.

    You made me smile, anyway, so that’s good, right?

    • Actually…the smile IS good.

      I’m really fine. I just feel awful today. Like I’ve been spinning in circles and I’m just so damn tired of feeling bad. Kudos on the wi-fi…and good luck with the jr high girls. My son is having a gaggle of friends over tomorrow night..so we can compare notes this weekend.

      • Yep! Not sure what they’re planning to do while they’re here (my oldest girl is the ASB president), but I’m sure pizza will be involved. Hopefully limited drama, though.

        I thought I might make a rule that the cell phones all stay downstairs with ME when they’re here. That should be fun. *evil mom smile* muahaha

        Also my first post is garbled and should say “orphaned puppies” in there somewhere, but just–whatever, man. You got the jist…

  • I see what you did there. You spelled out a word. If you can pull that off it can’t be that bad. 🙂

    I’ve had this pain for the last four years or so. Yesterday it suddenly got worse. It was not a fun night. I’ve affecting every other major system. I got pain everywhere. Of course, I assume it’s a tumor.

    I tried WebMD. I didn’t give me the answer I expected so I turned it off.

    I hope you feel better soon!

    • Thanks! I hope you feel better soon. Pain is an asshole.

      I’m really not that bad..just some vertigo and I don’t know why. I’ve been off and on sick for months now and it gets depressing.

  • I don’t know what’s going on, but so many are feeling this way. I blame chemtrails, fluoride, GMOs, aspartame, immunization, environmental toxicity, workplace ennui, and…menopause. Or, as they say in the biz with ‘women of a certain, uncertain, age,’ peri-menopause. But no, that can’t be it, because so many men are also feeling this way. There is definitely something going on, and it would be really, really good to find out what the hell it is. I’ve never seen so many people just sick with no reasonable explanation. Good luck with everything you’re experiencing. Know that you’re not alone and that your readers are empathizing. Peace.

    • Thank you so much…I come from a long line of hypochondriacs, so being sick for months is pretty much my worst nightmare.

      But..for now, I am home and cozy and ready to relax for a few hours. Maybe I’ll even venture down to the treadmill.

  • Sorry you’re still feeling rough. I’m peering myopically at my phone as my computer died and this is now the only way for me to get on line. Hoping normal service will resume before I become Greta Garbo.

  • Sara, my cupcake connection, is up in Truckee, Ca. right now, and is a little under the weather herself, but as soon as she makes it back I’ll get her on the case…

  • Ah — hypochondria — I know her well! My primary care doctor once told me that the chronic pain I was having in my leg was “all in my head” and related to my depression. So, basically the bitch called me crazy. After I self-referred to a neurologist, he assure me that I was NOT crazy and that I had a nerve in my leg that had been damaged and was dying — thus the horrible pain. The bitch didn’t even apologize when I took the report to her — in fact, she seemed kind of offended that I had questioned her judgment. I need to write a blog post of this someday.

    If you’re craving cupcakes, you for sure can’t be dying! I expect a full recovery very soon — hang in there!

    • Yeah, I’m still kind of unhappy with my doctor for treating a series of sinus infections that were not sinus infections…but what are you going to do? Today I’m just dizzy..like I’ve been riding the teacup ride all day. I’m hoping tomorrow I wake up with rainbows and glitter shooting out of my orifices.

  • I have a friend who is sick, and i have created the Cheese Cracker of the Month Club for her. What should we be sending you? Fruit? Chicken soup? Varietal tea? Tiny ( airplane sized) bottles of alcohol?

  • I think I’m the opposite of a hypochondriac. Even though I get sick, I deny getting sick and go about my life. I can assure you it’s not an alien disease. As a human, you either cannot catch or would be automatically destroyed by anything not of this earth. Concentrate on better things and not being sick. You might feel a bit better.

  • Hey there, for some reason I can’t find comments on your most recent post about Mr. Pinky, so I’m commenting here. My brother and I got my mine a goldfish for mother’s day once we were very young) and that thing lived FOREVER. haha those goldfish are like cockroaches. Nothing kills them.

    Sorry about your friend. 🙁

By Michelle


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