H is for the headache that’s a tumor.
Y is for the yeast infection brought on by unnecessary antibiotics.
P is for the pillow that I need.
O is for the orgasms that must wait because I don’t feel good and I really just want to rest and we’ll just have to wait for the weekend.
C is for the chills and are offset by motherfucking hot flashes.
H is for the headache that probably isn’t a tumor but is more likely an indication that a massive stroke is headed my way.
O is for the OMG my stomach hurts again.
N is for the nagging feeling there is something malignant growing in me.
D is for the doctor who gives me the wrong drugs.
R is for the racing heartbeat and sweaty skull.
I is for the issue with acid reflux that is causing me to digest my face.
A is for the anxiety medication that I take that used to feel good but now just makes me really tired.
Put them all together and they spell ‘Fucking hell can I please just have one day where I don’t feel like shit and maybe get one more good night’s sleep before I die’.
Seriously, I can’t go back to the doctor again. I don’t know why I feel bad. I don’t even go to WebMD anymore. I’ve memorized the entire site. YES I HAVE. In fact, I should have my own medical degree by now.
On the other hand, maybe this is just menopause and I’m a ginormous wussy.
Or maybe, I have some sort of alien disease that no one else on the planet has. Just me. Michelle disease. I’ll be in medical journals. I’ll be a new entry on the WebMD website.
Great. Something else I have to memorize.
Now would one of you get me a cupcake?