So, there is this girl. She has walked this earth for enough decades to pull the “I’ve been around a while” card.
She knows that card doesn’t mean shit. Any bit of wisdom and strength she gained from the many lessons life has thrown at her has been in spite of herself.
She doesn’t know much. Or at least she doesn’t feel like she knows much, but this is something she knows for sure: Time marches on. Nothing changes that. She decided that she can either view this as a march to the end, or understand that the time for living is right now. Right this minute. Waiting for things to change is certainly a valid choice, but maybe not the best choice.
So she makes a choice. Because that is what life is all about. Choices.
She decides that she has the strength to live her life. She has the strength to be herself. She has the strength to make changes that need to be made. She considers what must be done and she balances that shit on her shoulders like a power lifter. She shifts the bar and bends at the knees before hoisting that shit over her head in triumph.
I GOT THIS!
Then the details start filtering in. All the details.
Scraping and painting the door is nothing. Getting a new roof and new central air? That is going to take some doing.
Good food choices take some work. No more snack cakes and frozen dinners for lunch.
You really must decide what your book is about. It needs a story arc.
Also, you should google “story arc”.
Everything must go. Do I need a permit for a yard sale?
Where are we going to live?
As details piled on, she felt her legs tremble. Sweat slipped into her eyes and began to sting. She didn’t want to let go. She didn’t want to drop the weight. She doesn’t want to drop the weight. She has been here many times before. In the end, she was powerless in the face of details and dropped the bar.
Life is easier when she can numb her brain with social media, television, and living out fantasies while laying in bed. In her
dreams the house is fixed, on the market, and she is healthy and strong. She finds time to work on her book and, in her head, the finished product is glorious.
She knows details can be overcome, and most will take a little time and effort. When they are all shouting at once, she falters, she hides, avoids, and goes back to her broken plan of waiting for life to change.
When she is in full avoidance mode, she looks at houses for sale. This is a fruitless endeavor, but she can’t help it. It’s kind of like picking at a scab. Vaguely satisfying with the air of slightly naughty. She can spend hours at a time scouring houses in the neighborhoods of her youth. Mostly, this happens while her husband is laying next to her and sound asleep. As their years together progressed, they found themselves on different sleep schedules. It’s not so bad, though. She can lean against him and feel him breathe while she checks listing after listing of houses that they are in no position to buy.
She knows the house she wants. She can see it. The house is in an older neighborhood on a hillside. The front faces downtown Cincinnati. Her house is at the end of a street. She has a covered front porch and a detached garage. The inside is small. Two bedrooms, a living room, a kitchen and a little nook where she writes. The doorways are arched and there is a tiny stained glass window in the living room. The back yard is nothing but a patio surrounded by a concrete wall, a fence and a garage. The courtyard is filled with pots of flowers and cheesy lights. They build a deck on top of the garage because the view of downtown is spectacular.
Inside, the living room has a wall of exposed brick, a few places in the wall are damaged, but not horribly so.
The floors are bare of carpet. She says she will fix the floors one day, but she won’t. She likes the way the wood is faded and scratched. She likes the ways the floors need to be repaired. They are quirky and have character. She identifies with the scratched up floors and the brick wall that is missing a few chunks.
In this house, her anxiety isn’t as extreme. She knows anxiety will be there, even in her fantasies, she can’t let go of it entirely. But the anxiety is more dull. More like an unruly kitten and not so much like a raging honey badger. She commands her space. She knows where she is going. She drinks kale smoothies.
When she lives in this house, she never allows details to become overwhelming. She handles what life hands her as it happens. She doesn’t tuck issues away to be ignored, until they can no longer be ignored and they end up inviting friends over.
The house doesn’t exist, though. She knows that. She knows they will not be going anywhere until they start. Make some lists. These will be long motherfucking lists. Until they start moving forward, their dreams and plans will be nothing but well worn conversations. They’ll end up eating snacks in bed and curling up together while promising to do more tomorrow.
As she holds this weight over head, she knows that what comes next can be reduced to the act of making choices. Run forward and handle shit like the bad ass motherfucker she knows she is? Or settle back in for another repeat viewing of all seven seasons of Buffy The Vampire Slayer?
I want to make it this time, you guys. I want to break out from under this haze of being overwhelmed by the details. I think I can. I know I can. I just don’t know if I will. All I know is that my legs are trembling and the sweat is stinging my eyes.
Also, I will probably never drink kale smoothies.
Photo courtesy of Ryan McGuire
One detail at a time. One baby step at a time. Keep breathing. Never drink kale smoothies. Yuk.
I have to constantly give myself the ‘baby steps’ talk. I get so easily overwhelmed by the big picture.
That’s my story, too. Except my little house is on a cliff overlooking the Straight of Juan de Fuca. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Nope…we are not alone. 🙂
Uncanny. You have just described me and my situation. Perfect timing for this post.
It’s good to have a tribe!
Different to do lists: today – and only the important shit like collect the kids from school and buy food, this month, this year and each week tackle all of today and one of this month and one of this year. And FFS breath all the time, not some of the time. I got my house in France – it’s beautiful but it knackered my body because I took it too fast, now I separate the lists. Take it steady but slower.
Thank you for the breathing reminder. I need this comment tattooed on the back of my hand.
I thought it was just me. It’s not.
Thank you.
Also, FUCK. (Because you requested profanity.)
Hahahah! Thank you for the fuck because I am often out of them.
And it’s not just you. You are not alone. 🙂
Some days the details are a tsunami. Other days, they’re simply gentle waves lapping at your feet. But you are a badass motherfucker, so dog the details and get them lapping!
So very true. I am so grateful for the gentle waves.
I, too, numb my brain with social media and television because it’s easier than picking which one of the many items on the list to do. I have found that if I break the items down into tiny bits, I can make progress. Clean one closet shelf today, not the whole closet. I can do that. And eventually it all gets done. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Unfortunately, some things have to be done all at once. You have to vacuum before cleaning carpets, and by the time I finish vacuuming there isn’t any energy left.
Right? This week is toast because of an insane work schedule…but this weekend, I am checking some things off the list.
Wow. I love the image of lifting all those issues over your head and, of course, can absolutely relate to the battle between wanting and doing. I will say this: I bought my version of your house on the hill last year. I love it. But guess what? I am not one pound lighter and struggle with writing and, in fact, packed up and moved all my issues along with me to the new house. I don’t say that to be discouraging. I have my HOUSE. Today I’m making an appointment with a nutritionist. I’m walking the dogs around the block once a day. Not exactly an hour in the gym, but to echo Mary’s comment, it’s a step. I want to be my best bad ass self, too. We can do this. And no fucking kale smoothies.
Thank you so much! And right..NO fucking kale smoothies. haha
‘She commands her space. She knows where she is going. She drinks kale smoothies.’
Who the fuck is that bitch?
The only time I command my space AND know where I’m going is the bathroom in the morning.
But, I, too, have my ‘goal’ house on my slide show on my computer. Blueprints, too 🙂 That way I can see it everytime I come back to whatever I left to go do whatever I thought was going to accomplish something… that may or may not have been accomplished.
It’s there with my Grandkids and funny pictures and quotable quotes and my next haircut… (Mariska Hargitay or Judge Marilyn Milian?)
My good shit is a slide show on my computer.
I’m taking two weeks off in May. My ONLY goal is outgrown, outdated and unworn clothing articles. Closets, drawers, floors and storage aren’t going to be safe. I don’t need that many rags, I don’t have that much livestock anymore.
I am SOOOO dreading it.
I am SOOOO looking forward to it.
Damn.
Netflix just put out a new season of Unbreakable Kimmy.
I heard something awhile back, and I think it may have helped me.
‘Happy’ is the most fucked up word.
It’s a ‘standard.’
A ‘goal.’
“I’ll be happy when….”
“I’ll be happy if…”
It’s really hard to say, “I’m happy because….”
or
“I feel happy.”
We are so used to it being conditional.
Today, I’m happy because I get the bathroom all to myself until 7:30.
Going with the little things today… I’d really be happy if Tim would fix the floor that has become removed from the back door by a 1 and a 1/2 inch drop. But I’ll probably be just as happy when I remember just in time to not trip in it again 🙂
Oh, yeah, and getting your Blog in my email makes me REALLY happy!
Have a happy day, Rage-M…. don’t think, just do!
(Yeah, that was $150 worth of advice I just gave you for free… Therapy bills DO NOT make me happy, so I really need to get my money’s worth 🙂 )
Goddammit..I love your comments.
That’s hilarious…the only things I’m positive I will accomplish every day, are going to pee when I get up and making coffee. Check and Check! Getting shit done!
Well, for one thing – you just wrote yourself a chapter.
Also, the email with your post came in, and it read I’m Going To Tell You A Story, and in my head I went ‘yes, yes, I want to hear this story’, and started smiling immediately.
So, whatever your house situation just please keep us telling stories. 🙂
OMG thank you so much. I love you guys like frozen crazy.
I really love your writing! 🙂 you craft a very good story cuz I can SEE your little house.
btw… kale smoothies are pretty dang good if you put enough fruit in them. 🙂
Thank you SO MUCH. Still probably not gonna drink kale smoothies.
You can do this. You can get to the place you want to go! I have faith in you.
Thank you, Sharon. I am truly my own worst enemy. But I’m working on it. When I’m not watching TV. Haha.
What Sharon said.
🙂
Yikes M, we are cut from the same cloth, American sister. I’ve had an inkling for quite some time now that achievers are often not thinkers, or perhaps not over-thinkers. They just get to it. Once in a while I score a day when I can force myself to do, and not to whiney-think (or winey-think) away the hours. Shit really gets done. Don’t have enough of those days.
Here’s my story: just got back from the clinic (gotta check that thyroid – what fresh hell is this??) and spoke to an elderly woman who has to hobble there every morning for 2 weeks for post-toe surgery treatment. Then she has to trek to visit her really-elderly mother who is in a nursing home, approximately 1.5hrs away by public transportation. She complained there’s always something to hold you up, and I said, “well, if you can get outta bed and get to the toilet by yourself, you’re okay” (I’ve said this here before). She replied, “It’s true: if you can go to the toilet alone, you’re a millionaire.” If you’re autonomous, you’re golden. (They day before, I had to transition an elderly client with dementia into a nursing home, under the pretense that she would just stay there for Passover – possibly the most depressing day I’ve had in 2 years. I barely kept it together. This client isn’t so far along that at times it won’t be crystal clear to her that she’s just lost her autonomy.) This is as good as it gets, but unfortunately, we usually don’t fully understand this until we’re well on our way to decrepitude and dependency. Whether you get shit done or not, life is fucking wonderful right now. I try to remind myself of this every bloody day. It doesn’t make me succeed, it just puts everything in perspective. Stop being so hard on yourself. I’ve realized that I probably don’t do stuff because I don’t want it enough. Others times it’s just pure unadulterated laziness, which is my forte. So be it. This is who (and how) I am. Like I’m suddenly gonna turn all that around at 53? Bahahahahhaha!
I love this! And I have thyroid issues as well…we ARE cut from the same cloth. 🙂
really related to this. even the searching for houses for sale rather than writing or editing or doing whatever i’m supposed to be doing.
I loved your story! We rent a small one bedroom apartment with a tiny view of the bay. I am very happy with this small little space I call home with my hubby and my dog. I used to long for a house or condo but a million dollars is the price range here — which is ridiculous. My to do list is small and my living list is very full. What About Bob (Baby Steps) is one of my favorite movies. On my list of things to do – watch! Baby Steps, Michelle, and one at a time! You can do this.
That sounds PERFECT. I do not need much. I just want a cozy place with little maintenance where I can write and hang out with my family. That’s all I want.
“Life is easier when she can numb her brain with social media, television, and living out fantasies while laying in bed. ”
Holy crap, I thought it was just me. I fucking love you, Michelle!
Hahah..thank you! And no..you are not alone!
Lists and lists and updated lists really can help. The pleasure of crossing something off the damn list is wonderful. You can succeed!
Okay. I’m making lists. Tomorrow. Maybe Saturday. Hahahahah
I could have written this – all of it.
On top of thinking about repairing ALL the things and selling the house and buying another I am angsting about a trip we are trying to plan when all I want to do is curl up on the couch and knit and watch Brooklyn 999.
Sigh.
We are in this together.
I will be a grown-up one day.
Just not today. Today I am taking meds for my anxiety and taking a day off from lists, and fretting.
hahahahfuckingha!
Meh…I think being a grownup is kind of overrated.
I’m kind of in this same position, but I want my next house to be an RV, and I want an adventure, but I’m scared, so I procrastinate. I was going to list my house at the beginning of the year, and now I’m going to list it at the end of the summer. I have done a few things, but my fear allows me to get sidetracked easily. I need to get rid of a ton of shit, and I’m scared to let go of things. Ugh. Just thinking about it gives me a major anxiety attack.
Right there with you. Although, I am cool with shedding a lot of my things. I don’t need them.
I really want you to get that house you imagined. I would visit you and bring a casserole. We could sit on the roof, look at the city, and tell stories.
I really want you to have the house you imagined. I would visit and bring a casserole. We could sit on the roof, watch the city, and tell grand stories.
You know what? THAT would be amazing. Not even kidding, I would love that. 🙂
My thought experiment today: what if Dogge, DH and I moved into a small apartment with a pretty view and lots of nice places to walk the dog. There would be enough room for a couch and a couple of chairs, a kitchen big enough for six to sit in, a bedroom for us and a spare room for me to create things, where we could accommodate a guest. There would be a small area in the front or back for some raised veggie beds and some potted herbs and fragrant flowers, with chairs to wave at the neighbors from and sit and drink beer.
What we wouldn’t have: a lawn; rugs inside; more than one TV; stores too far to walk to; a park too far to walk to; much closet space (if it won’t fit in the closet, I won’t keep it); room for very many details.
Now I will finish the laundry, walk Dogge, and pull more weeds. Baby steps.
Yes!! Thank you! XXOO
You’ll get there. Then you’ll look back on this time as just another time in your past. That’s kind of what my sister told me when I was freaking out because my state disability had run out and there was at least 90 days before SSDI kicked in, if my application was accepted (it was).
Also, things get distorted in the lens of your priorities. That makes it hard to tell which things are going to be the truly difficult ones to accomplish. And some of the hard stuff ends up feeling good when you do it. Like when we were told that we needed to move out of the Foundry by the 3rd of January, and that there was a storage locker there where we could store some of our stuff, we hadn’t done shit until the second rolled around, then I borrowed an aluminum hand cart from the maintenance man and moved all of my stuff into the locker. In two days. By myself. I am disabled, and walk with a quad-cane, and part of what I moved was my music gear, which includes my guitar rig, Briana’s bass rig (oof) and my PA system. Big, heavy stuff. The last time we moved, my friend Chris moved it all for me and said afterward “I guess Doug doesn’t believe in owning anything that weighs less than a hundred pounds.”
Before I did it I wouldn’t have believed that I COULD do it. After it was done, my friend Sara came over to take me out for dinner, and I made her stop by the locker so I could show her what I had done.
And now we’re out of there, and all of that stuff from the locker is sitting in front of me in a stack in the living room, so our next goal is getting a portable shed to put in the back yard to store it out of everyone’s way. We don’t know how we’re going to accomplish this just yet, but we probably will, somehow.
So good luck with your house and all of your anxieties, I have confidence that you will succeed and feel that most probably what you’ll get will differ somewhat from your ideal in your fantasies, but that you will end up loving (and blogging about) it anyway.
Okay, this was like a warm fuzzy blanket. Thank you.
Oh, and I almost forgot (I did actually forget, but I just remembered): Thank you for the story. I love your stories!
Yay!
Dude, what are your doctor(s) saying about this anxiety that seems impossible to treat? I know your thyroid meds were out of whack, but wasn’t that about 6 months ago? It’s making me anxious that you never seem to mention a professional who seems to know the cause and/or have a plan.
Also, where is Randy in all of these scary lists you make? He loves the shit out of you and I have a feeling that if anyone is making lists, it should be him. He can delegate and hand out tasks as needed. Then you can kick ass on that one project and come back and get another one from him.
I have had anxiety issues since childhood..and it’s actually MUCH better than it used to be. Sometimes it is not, but mostly it is.
He DOES love me…like crazy…but we are very much alike and we both get a little paralyzed. Sooner or later, our momentum will kick in.
I can’t wait to read your book, michelle. No pressure. One day at a time. One word at a time. Thank god you’re not drinking kale smoothies. Loved this post so much. I can relate and probably so can everyone.
thank you! I am working on it..maybe not as hard as I would like, but I am moving forward.
This is really well written. I’m going to have to read it again for actual content, but the cadence and progression were really compelling!
Thank you so much. I do so enjoy hearing from you!
You had me with “I’m going to tell you a story.” Wonderfully written. I don’t know much, but I’ve been around longer than you, and I do know this – all you have to do is hang onto that vision, the house and life that you want, and whatever else happens, keep your eyes on the prize. One day you’ll wake up and realize things have all fallen into place, or at least they’ll be so close to being in place you won’t even care if the puzzle has missing pieces. Life is funny that way.
Life REALLY IS funny that way. I’m happy. Nearly always, so I’m good. 🙂
OMG, you have no idea how this resonates for me……
I am so glad!
You are stronger than you know and yes you can do this.
Like you, if I can see the whole forest I get totally overwhelmed and can’t do anything at all.
I focus on a few branches and maybe the occasional tree, that’s enough.
Keep the list small, limit it to 7 things a week, a small thing a day on work days and 2 bigger ones at the weekend. Your perfect place is out there and it will be ready for you when you are ready for it.
🙂
I’ve moved many times in my life. I started packing months in advance. One box at a time, choosing the things I could live without for a while, or perhaps forever.
At some point you realise you’ve tackled the whole forest, one tree at a time.
Damn, my friend, this is some good, practical advice right here. xoxoxo
I have my moments
🙂
If I can just follow my own advice before I have a total melt down with my college work, that would be good!
You’re beautiful. You help me to be more ‘human’ and accept my ‘less-than-perfectness’
this gets me in the feels. 🙂
First – this is amazing writing. You ripped out your soul and put it on paper. And I love it.
And…the journey of one thousand miles begins with the first step. I think this is yours. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you’ll be there.
I adore you. 🙂
OMG you need to get your book happening. Every time I read your blog I admire your writing but I don’t think I’ve admired anything as much as I did this post !!!! GET WRITING even if you are still in the same house !! xox
Thank you! I AM working on it. It’s getting there…
You are on your way. No to the kale smoothies. Didn’t conform to the “kale makes everything correct”. Life choices are hard. Wanting and finding that perfect place to call home difficult for all. ( no need to mention I am homeless). What a wonderful talent you have with the writen word. You seem to capture and tell the story that makes one feel not alone in this challenging life and the best part is I can laugh about it. Continue to be inspired and that writing nook and perfect patio will be waiting for you!
Thank you…I miss your face!!
Thank you for reminding me that getting to older and wiser is a long journey – I wonder every day why and how. This is a good story from a brave place in someone who has what it takes, no matter how long it takes.
Thank you so much. And it’s a hella long journey.
I am packing to move because the landlord sold my house to the city and they are tearing it down. If I don’t update it, eventually my license will say I live in a parking lot. Honestly, I think that seems kinda cool. But what I am trying to say . . . pick your dream house, pick your dreams. Things are ALWAYS changing – we just don’t always know it. You can do anything you want to do – and you will – and I look forward to reading about it when you do!
Oh man…that sucks! Do you have new digs lined up?
Yup. The landlord is putting us into another place and we can spread the move out over three weeks. But the words “I sold your house” were definitely NOT in my plans when I was procrastinating about the future! So whatever you want to do, DO IT! You are already more of a success than you ever realize.
Thank you so much.
I am so glad you have a place to go. That is good..but what a horrible, upsetting pain in the ass that must be!
Word.
I took a full week off Twitter & Instagram to test my theory that I was numbing my brain and idling for too many hours on the Internet and then snapping at everyone because I ran out of hours in the day to get my shit done. My experiment proved fruitful. Yup. It was as bad as I expected. My fault. Not anyone else’s.
Yeah, I needed to read this
This is lovely and heartbreaking at the same time. It is both a curse & a blessing that we are so aware of other people’s lives. Of how much they have done or overcome. With this awareness comes the inevitable comparison to our personal lives & how much we have (debt, self-doubt, depression, anxiety) or don’t have ( perfect house, spouse, children, fancy cars, disposable income) & how much more we suck in comparison. We almost always suck more. “At least I’m not a serial killer or bank robber” we think. But then we think “But I still suck”
Anyway. Good piece. Good writing. Thank you
Thank you! And yes, comparisons are just horrible.
Oh God Michelle, I do the exact same thing. I’ll do it tomorrow … or I won’t. I stick mail away, bills. I hate dealing with anything relating to money. it just gives me a stomach and I feel like I want to through up. The funny thing is I’m like that whether I have money or I don’t. It’s like always living in fear of the other shoe to drop. It wears you the fuck out! I’m rooting for you sister!
THAT is exactly it! We are so much alike.
It’s a treat when I get an email to say you’ve blogged, and this post is a treasure.
Lists, split into work and home and then one for daily (routine or baby step tasks) and anothr for projects. List all the baby steps then transfer them to the daily lists one at at a time. It works really well with talking to yourself too – hmm, today I could do these tasks. Will I? Then you’re making a conscious choice about how you want to spend your time, not slacking off or being harassed by the list. Works really well for me. I might not get more done and I don’t beat myself up about it.
And I love kale smoothies! Never thought I’d say that…. If drinking them is your ‘identifier’ of change, why not try one now? You’ll either like it and keep going or take it off the list forever. Put plenty of apples in and some lemon. Don’t make it too big, you’re not challenging yourself just trying something.
Finally, I’d be delighted if you keep writing – it seems to help you, which we all love, and it speaks to so many people. Thank you!
How sweet! Thank you so much. And I might MIGHT even be inspired to give the smoothie a chance. We’ll see. Haha
You know, you can take those weights off the bar and lift them one at a time. There’s no law against that.
If you’re anything like me, you can also take an ax and chop the weights into pieces. Carry the pieces one at a time until they get where they need to be, and then put them back down. Don’t make yourself try to lift them all at once.
I know it’s easier said than done! But you can do this. I believe in you. 🙂
OMG yes….
I’m going to have to search through the toolbox in my head and find that goddamn hatchet.
Michelle I love your blog. This is a great post – I love the weight analogy and really fuck kale smoothies. I use my Vitamix to make Klondike milkshakes like a real person with kids.
Anyhow….got sidetracked….I was in car line today and I saw a familiar woman walk by and I recognized her. She lost a teenage son about 4 years ago to cancer and here she is walking around living life. And I thought my God how does she do it…..and then I remembered….because the fucking sun, moon, tides, time and everything else continue to go about their day regardless of what shit has hit the fan on any given day. Yes, I’ve got this and so do you and now what the hell are we going to do with it?
For all that is holy..yes. OMG..what a goddamn dose of perspective that is. Thanks for this. 🙂
I’m willing to wager that few people REALLY want kale smoothies. Like, WANT want. There’s a level of rationalizing that borders on Olympic.
They make me sad.