If you are one who loves adorable goat videos where a teeny tiny little goat is hopping around looking happy, or videos of screaming goats, then you might want to stop reading after this sentence.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
You guys, billy goats are so fucking nasty. I mean gross, gross. Not just gross as in stinky, nasty grossness, but also gross in a creepy Uncle Larry kind of gross.
I am sure that many of you know exactly how billy goats behave. Perhaps, you’re ready to defend the honor of goats everywhere.
I mean, I guess you can try, but I have a fairly compelling case that puts male goats permanently in the “gross” column.
So, Randy and I went to visit Mountain Girl and Bass Player this weekend. I love visiting them, but whenever we do, and then we get home on Sunday evening, I feel like I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. But no, I have to go back to work tomorrow.
All we did was sit around. Why am I so tired? I have to assume it’s from laughing. I feel like I need to train for these weekends.
There is a house we pass on the way to our friend’s cabin. They have goats.
Goats are just adorable. Or, so I thought.
We got to the cabin and immediately launched into a running joke that longtime friends have. Normal stuff. Like how they are planning to kill and eat us one day and how when they die, we’re going to turn them into puppets. Mountain girl will spend eternity dancing the thriller dance in a gorilla suit. Like I said, totally normal, not weird jokes.
The conversation turned to goats, as conversations do.
Me: Those goats at the end of your driveway are adorable.
Mountain Girl: Yeah. Goats are gross.
Me: Nuh uh, they’re cute.
Mountain Girl: They’re disgusting. Do you know why they smell so bad?
Mountain Girl: They urinate on themselves. Like all over themselves.
Me: How do they do that? Penis acrobats?
Mountain Girl: Their penises are weird. Imagine a Twizzler. No, two Twizzlers that are attached end to end. That’s what a goat penis looks like and they can whip it around and piss all over themselves.
Me: That’s disturbing.
Mountain Girl: I haven’t even gotten to the disturbing part.
Mountain Girl: They also, sometimes, well…they do this gross thing where they squirt from their penis into their mouths.
Me: They pee in their own mouths?
Mountain Girl: I don’t think it’s pee.
Me: Wait. How do you know this?
Me, hiccuping because I can’t get all the laughs out fast enough: How do you know?
Mountain Girl: Oh my god, Michelle, it was so horrible. The other day, I walked down to the mailbox and this one goat across the street made eye contact with me and then just whipped his penis around and, well, you know. Right into his own mouth.
Mountain Girl: He never broke eye contact.
Mountain Girl: Seriously, I felt violated.
Me, gasping: HAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The high brow level of conversation stayed about the same until we left Sunday morning.
I thought long and hard about posting this. I know how popular those adorable little goats videos are. I don’t want screaming throngs of goat lovers coming after me with pitchforks and tin cans. I ultimately decided that this is actually a public service announcement. If any of you are planning on getting yourself an adorable baby billy goat, do so with your eyes wide open. Also, you might want to wear safety goggles just in case.
It also occurs to me that I might have not only ruined goats for you, I might have ruined Twizzlers for you as well.