I’m Going To Ruin Goats


If you are one who loves adorable goat videos where a teeny tiny little goat is hopping around looking happy, or videos of screaming goats, then you might want to stop reading after this sentence.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You guys, billy goats are so fucking nasty. I mean gross, gross. Not just gross as in stinky, nasty grossness, but also gross in a creepy Uncle Larry kind of gross.

I am sure that many of you know exactly how billy goats behave. Perhaps, you’re ready to defend the honor of goats everywhere.

I mean, I guess you can try, but I have a fairly compelling case that puts male goats permanently in the “gross” column.

So, Randy and I went to visit Mountain Girl and Bass Player this weekend. I love visiting them, but whenever we do, and then we get home on Sunday evening, I feel like I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. But no, I have to go back to work tomorrow.

All we did was sit around. Why am I so tired? I have to assume it’s from laughing. I feel like I need to train for these weekends.

There is a house we pass on the way to our friend’s cabin. They have goats.

Goats are just adorable. Or, so I thought.

We got to the cabin and immediately launched into a running joke that longtime friends have. Normal stuff. Like how they are planning to kill and eat us one day and how when they die, we’re ruin-goatsgoing to turn them into puppets. Mountain girl will spend eternity dancing the thriller dance in a gorilla suit. Like I said, totally normal, not weird jokes.

The conversation turned to goats, as conversations do.

Me: Those goats at the end of your driveway are adorable.

Mountain Girl: Yeah. Goats are gross.

Me: Nuh uh, they’re cute.

Mountain Girl: They’re disgusting. Do you know why they smell so bad?

Me: Nope.

Mountain Girl: They urinate on themselves. Like all over themselves.

Me: How do they do that? Penis acrobats?

Mountain Girl: Their penises are weird. Imagine a Twizzler. No, two Twizzlers that are attached end to end. That’s what a goat penis looks like and they can whip it around and piss all over themselves.

Me: That’s disturbing.

Mountain Girl: I haven’t even gotten to the disturbing part.


Mountain Girl: They also, sometimes, well…they do this gross thing where they squirt from their penis into their mouths.

Me: They pee in their own mouths?

Mountain Girl: I don’t think it’s pee.

Me: Wait. How do you know this?

Mountain Girl:…

Me, hiccuping because I can’t get all the laughs out fast enough: How do you know?

Mountain Girl: Oh my god, Michelle, it was so horrible. The other day, I walked down to the mailbox and this one goat across the street made eye contact with me and then just whipped his penis around and, well, you know. Right into his own mouth.

Mountain Girl: He never broke eye contact.

Mountain Girl: Seriously, I felt violated.


The high brow level of conversation stayed about the same until we left Sunday morning.

I thought long and hard about posting this. I know how popular those adorable little goats videos are. I don’t want screaming throngs of goat lovers coming after me with pitchforks and tin cans. I ultimately decided that this is actually a public service announcement. If any of you are planning on getting yourself an adorable baby billy goat, do so with your eyes wide open. Also, you might want to wear safety goggles just in case.

It also occurs to me that I might have not only ruined goats for you, I might have ruined Twizzlers for you as well.

Sorry about that.





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  • The behavioral-therapy answer, of course, is SURGICAL CASTRATION.
    I’ve solved this problem for innumerable clients, beating down my doors with their adorable baby bucks, who violated the sanctity of their homes with their abhorrent acts: “What can we DO to make him STOP THAT?!?” (eewwwww!)
    Works like a charm, solves MOST of the odor problem too (goats, to a certain extent, are gonna smell like GOATS no matter what)

  • Wow, I’m actually at a loss for words with this one! HAHAHAHA!!!!! But, I’m with Val—-behavioral and “nasty” issues with animals are usually curtailed by gelding, castration. neutering, spaying, etc. They need to try that with some humans! 😉

  • You haven’t ruined goats for me. YOU HAVE FUCKING RUINED TWIZZLERS. Or maybe I should blame Mountain Girl. Or maybe I should blame Twizzlers. They’re rubbery and don’t really taste that good and now I know two of them together resemble a goat’s penis, and goats do disgusting things with their penises. In fact the inventor of Twizzlers probably intended this as an elaborate joke. He saw a goat doing unspeakable things with its penis and said, “Hey, I’ll make a candy that looks like that.”

    Oh Twizzlers, I wish I could quit you.

  • I was in Palm Springs at the living desert zoo. A goat jumped on my lap. Which wasn’t cute. He had blue eyes that were kind of cute if you were a serial killer. He ate my, “I fed a giraffe sticker” off my arm and then had half of my map down his throat before I could get him off. Wait that sounded wrong! Got him off me.

    I also then got lost because I’m directionally challenged. And he ate the part where I was located.

    I have a picture of that darn thing on top of me.

    I’m with you on this one Michelle.

  • Damn it! Now I can never use goat yarn again! I may have to go home and take that blanket I’ve put the last years worth of anxiety making in the charity bin!
    I already hated twizzlers, we’re good there.
    But this has ruined some fine yarns. I wonder about alpaca?

  • Oohhhh, Girlfriend…
    Awareness can be daunting.
    I have never seen them ‘pee’ IN their mouths, I HAVE witnessed the dousing of the beard followed by the head tossing and rubbing that spreads the scent.
    Just don’t pet their beards… and most of their heads… and definitely avoid the top of the back where the scent is most liberally applied….
    Girl goats LOVE a stinky Billy 🙂
    But ALL of that can be avoided if you don’t go into goats with the idea of breeding and selling.
    Pet goat=non-breeding goat=no smelly.
    Or get a girl 😉
    AND, if you are going pet goat, only get one. Don’t get two thinking they will play together. They will tag team you for treats and staying just out of arms reach for petting. And they DO NOT believe in fences unless the fences are meant to keep bulls and otters out.
    I LOVE goats!! Cuz I learned the goat rules 🙂 A LONG time ago with the help of my Navajo friends in New Mexico.
    Best part of having a goat? No distemper in your other animals.
    Now, this is not scientifically based, just thousands of years of anecdotal evidence: Goats eat (absorb) the distemper bacteria/virus/scoobies.
    This is obviously of more importance to livestock owners than pet goat enthusiasts, but there it is, Goat Claim to Fame is a naturally occurring booster shot.
    So… there. I fixed goats for you 🙂
    Sorry about the Twizzlers… haven’t owned many of them 😉
    And I’m especially happy you came back from your weekend needing to recuperate from the laughter.
    Everybody should have to recuperate from laughter at one time or another.
    Like a booster shot for the soul!

  • Maybe sometimes a twizzler is just a twizzler… I was all ready to whip out my goat-stories (the one who knocked me on my ass after I saved his life from hanging himself, and the one that poked a hole in my friend Vernon’s water bed, causing him to swallow a banana slug when he used the old garden hose to siphon the water out) but instead I bow to the unapproachable greatness of your goat story… Wait, don’t I remember you once suggesting the use of “goat porn” to drive up your traffic stats?

    • Doug in Oakland: You have my attention 🙂
      I think you may have better goat stories than me!
      Including the one when I was talking with a neighbor and when I went to walk back to my house, I was missing a good portion of the bottom of my skirt.
      Goats can be sneaky quiet 🙂

    • Actually, I try to NOT get traffic from goat porn. But I get tons of disgusting search term results due to me not censoring myself. I’m sure the goat searches will increase now. haha

  • Billy goats are disgusting. I think they should be made into delicious kabobs while young, for the most part.

    Nanny goats are lovely, like sly tiny cows. They have to stand on a table so you can milk them. If you are not a good milker, they will jump off and go find the person who is a better milker, and harass them to do the milking.

  • PMSL !!!! We are thinking of getting chooks. K kept asking for us to get goats – I’m so glad we didn’t – I would have hated to have been able to confirm what happened to you because I had seen it with my own eyes !!!
    I totally hear you about going away for the weekend and then needing another two days to recover before going back to work – LOL
    Have the best week xox

  • Thank you for ruining goats!

    I grew up in the country but live in a city now, and I’m always perplexed about what people think country life is like, especially when it comes to critters (both domesticated and wild).

    For goats I’ll send them here now.

By Michelle


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