I’m A Monkey


I’m trying to get my head around so much right now and my brain will not settle on a single thought.

For instance, it’s taken over 30  minutes to write that one sentence. Usually, my blog posts are in and out in under 30 minutes. Apparently, my brain has employed the Domino’s pizza delivery method.

Until today.

So, since this blog post will not be fresh, hot and delicious in under 30 minutes, you get it for free!

Also, the Rolling Stones are providing my internal soundtrack right now and won’t stop telling me ‘I’m A Monkey‘.

My anxiety is off the charts, even though the changes I am facing are good changes. It appears that anxiety does not know the difference. I can’t even eat.

You know, you should just look at the silver lining. Not eating equals not so tight jeans. -the monkey

It might seem like I’m getting off track here, and honestly, that will probably happen at least a dozen more times before I’m finished. Because remember, I’m a monkey.

Anyway, I am not a fan of cryptic and vague messages. You know, like the people on Facebook who vaguebook, either say something or don’t.

That being said, I’m being vague. But only for a little bit, I promise.

You must think very highly of yourself if you think anyone cares. – the monkey

I can’t really talk about the changes I have coming up. I wish I could tell you that I have a fabulous book deal and I’m going to live out my days writing while people wait on me hand and foot…but I don’t actually have a book written, so it’s not that.

Why don’t you have a book? Do you even have a concept of how many words you’ve written on your blog or for fuck’s sake, on Twitter? You could have written a shelf of books by now. – the monkey

Here are a few things that I can tell you about:

I got published in the Huffington Post again. I was so excited to see one of my posts there for a second time. I convinced myself that the first time was a fluke. Now that they’ve accepted two, maybe I was wrong about the whole ‘fluke’ thing.

Who says a fluke can’t happen twice? You may not be flukeless, you know. – the monkey

Also, on Saturday, I am popping my nerd cherry and attending my first Comic Con. I’m not dressing up, though. I’m just going to look at the other people who will be dressing up. I’m sure I’ll be walking around with my mouth hanging open. I’ll also have a notebook and a pen handy. I’m suspect I’ll be inspired a dozen times or more.

You’ll wear a Doctor Who shirt though, won’t you? Lame. – the monkey

Thank you for listening to my incoherent ramblings. I will try to bring it back to my normal level of befuddling words next time.

And could one of you please muzzle this fucking monkey?




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  • Have fun at Comic Con! Sounds like a blast. And best wishes on your other good news, whatever it may be.

    Good changes are definitely stressful too. There’s even a word for stress resulting from good things: eustress.

  • Can you make a bingo card from the Dorkly comics I posted over the weekend and let us know how it turns out?

    I am very jealous of the Comic Con!

    Congrats on HuffPo too! Sorry about the anxiety though.

  • Hey, Monkey,…..psst….over here….psst.
    It must be free floating anxiety week. I have got it bad here. No monkey though. Well only one – but it just keeps nattering about what a chicken I am.
    Congrats on Huffingpost! Well done you (ignore the monkey).
    Have fun and wear the Dr. Who shirt at Comic Con (ignore the monkey)

    oh, and try and eat something (maybe the monkey?)

    btw: I would totally buy any book you write – (I am taking that monkey down!)

  • omg – I have that same fucking monkey. But the Stones are an excellent soundtrack, so there’s that. Big congrats on Huff Po! Big deep yoga breaths, chocolate cake and a shot of something relaxing, like tequila? See? I’m a bad influence. 😉

  • Well done you! That book deal will come, (when you’ve finished the novel obviously)
    Yeah, I think the change in the season is causing a lot of anxiety this week, or that’s what I’m telling myself. Your monkey and my monkey should make friends and then they can annoy each other and leave us both alone!
    Have fun at Comic Con, never been to anything like that, sounds like something I’d either love with the enthusiasm of a small child, or I’d be hiding in a corner pouring silent scorn on the whole thing! Either way it should be entertaining!

  • I love how I”m encouraged to swear in the comments. Usually I’m encouraged to mind my language. LOL Anyfuckinghow, a couple of years ago I hired a life coach and she taught me about “monkey brain”. The monkey brain is our ego trying to protect us and the best thing to do is acknowledge the protection and assert ourselves against the need for protection: For example–

    “Thank you for trying to protect me against owning my talent as a writer. But that second acceptance wasn’t a fluke. It was because I have a strong voice and people enjoy reading my words and stories.”

  • Ahh…the internal critic. I think it was Anne Lamott who said her internal critics pull their chairs up to her desk every Monday morning to remind her of all her flaws.

    I must lecture.

    Monkey mind aside, these triumphs are happening for a reason even if YOU still have to catch up and understand that, whaddaya know – you’re better than you even hoped you’d be.

    Congrats on HP. Say this: “Am I that good?” and then answer with “Holy shit, I am. I’m THAT good.” Because it’s true. You monkey.

  • Now, I can’t really let you go around saying harsh words about monkeys. But I understand the sentiment. And if your monkey starts belittling you, just remind it that some bloggers have never accomplished squat. And send it over here if it doesn’t believe you. (I’m really proud of your 2x HuffPo publication!)

  • I made a plea on Facebook for someone to shoot that fucking monkey on your back hahahha! First off, congratulations on the Huffington Post piece. I’ve never even had the balls to try. I don’t take rejection well I would be screaming and crying in a corner with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Fuck-Fluke. Second off, I am really craving a pizza now. Thirdly, can’t wait to hear the news whatever it is! If you can’t eat send me your pizza…sorry lost track for a second.

  • I didn’t realize that piece went up on Huffpo! That’s fucking awesome!!! Congrats. Very exciting.

    I like your monkey. (that sounded perverted…so obviously I’m leaving it)

  • Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere monkey, monkey, monkey…I’mma catch YOUUUU.

    I reckon there should be some kind of zoo for writers who need to go out and get their monkeys adopted by well-meaning strangers.

    BUT. Keep rocking out to music.

    You have people to love, you have good work to do – you have that and a little chocolate if you need it. You’re good.

    Congrats on HuffPo and ENJOY COMICON! It doesn’t matter what you look like – you will HAVE A LOVELY TIME 😀

  • Congrats on the article, have fun at the con, and best wishes for the upcoming good news. I would buy your book in a heartbeat. And at least it’s not a Monkee. I wouldn’t want to be ridiculed by a Monkee.

  • Congratulations! You just need to throw that monkey a banana and chill out. Easier said than done, I know. It’s hard NOT to get whipped up into self-doubting cycles; so much is uncertain.

    • I don’t know…maybe the uber anxious have to write to keep their brains from exploding? I do find relief in it. I know I’ve changed and gotten more calm over the past few years…but I have a long way to go to get my anxiety under control.

  • New follow from the midlife FB group – and relate to this post. Anxious a ton, I keep my Klonopin on me like a security blanket. I don’t have to take it, I just have to know it’s there.
    And which Con will be your first? I am a huge fan of SDCC, and my daughter has requested to go for her 13th birthday trip next year. We’ve hesitated bringing the kids, but at 13 and 15, I think they can handle it now. I hope.

    • I keep my xanax with me as a security blanket!! I almost never need to take it..like you said..I just have to know its there. I don’t know what con this is? It’s in Columbus..my stepdaughter wanted me to go with her.

  • Congratulations on your second post on Huff Post. If it makes your monkey feel any better I’ve submitted about 6 and none have been accepted so you are clearly an AWESOME writer!

    With that said, an author and speaker named Stuart Wilde didn’t call the inner critic a monkey. But what I remember him very vividly saying that when that voice pops up we should “bite his little tongue out and sit him in the corner!” Maybe that will help??? ~Kathy

  • At least once a week, I read something that reminds me that the harder I work the luckier I get. A fluke is just luck in a fancy cloak. At some point, you need to accept that you have a real talent and people appreciate it. The rest of us are good with it – you should be too.

    Why haven’t you written a book? Cause books are LONG. Long equals intimidating. I won’t even ask if you have started a book – starting is easy . . . it’s that finishing thing that’s tough. I would suggest you cheat and make a book of your blogs. I think it would be awesome – and a great gift – and even fun to do.

    Congratulations on your upcoming changes. It doesn’t even matter what they are – change is the opposite of stagnation. And stagnating stinks! 🙂

    • I actually do have a couple different projects going. One is a novella length story. It’s bizarre..out there bizarre…I’m looking forward to getting it done. Have NO idea what to do with it when I’m done..but I’ll figure it out

  • Vaguebooking, I’m telling.. 😉

    My posts don’t come out in 30 minutes ever and if they do there terrible, unlike your posts. Enjoy your day and I hope you get your Dominos post writing skills back by tomorrow.

    • I dunno..I think it’s going to be a few weeks before I get back to my old self. Longer, really. I’m still getting my head around some major changes. Good changes, but it makes me anxious and I freak out.

  • Silly monkey. Doctor Who is cool. I saw a woman yesterday who had cross marks on her cheeks for Halloween. Very few people guessed she was avoiding The Silence. I was one of the exceptions.

  • xongratulation*

    anxiety is defined (not sure what highly-respected reference work) as, ‘the sudden desire to don a fake nose and mustache just seconds before getting lucky’
    (oh yeah, I get to swear**! I almost forgot!! as the readership of my blog increases, I am succumbing to trying to not be too offensive and I’m loving it)
    fuck anxiety. (Brave words from a skilled practitioner of the art of living life anxiously)

    …anyway good for you! (btw at the convention? lots of rogers and clarks, living seemingly in harmony)

    *that was, in fact, a typo…. which, as we know nowadays, is a rare thing…. usually when the wrong word gets left on the screen…it’s correctly spelled (wrong wordistically, of course)….any way, I’m liking the look of that new word
    ** yes, I realize that my use of those words identifies me as a youth-challenged person as surely as if I said, ‘the Facebook’ or ‘the email’.

    • Okay…THIS made me laugh..and trust me when I tell you…I needed the goddamn laugh this morning! The facebook. hahahhaha. I have a friend who makes fun of me for watching Doctor Who..and she finds it hilarious to refer to him as ‘the Doctor who’.

      I had a really good time at the convention..it was even more geeky than I thought it would be.

      And congrats on the swearing! Go you! hahaha. My husband told me a long time ago, that unless I curtailed the bad language, I would alienate a lot of readers..and I thought..fuck em…if I can’t be myself, then I don’t want to do this. I’m not responsible for anyone else being offended…that’s their responsibility.

By Michelle


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