I’m Ready For A New Super Power


A long time ago I started writing about awkward moments and how I’m really good at spotting them and starting them and professionally dragging them out to uncomfortable lengths. I even called it my super power. I came up with a list of options and ended up settling on Amazing Graceless as my super hero name. Although, honestly, I was also really fond of The Awkwardessa. 

It’s not even 8:00 am because Randy is a lot of wonderful things, but he is not a ‘let Michelle sleep in one goddamn Saturday ever in her life’ kind of guy. He built a fire and made me coffee. I’m sitting outside and it’s chilly, but the fire feels good. I had to get a cushion to put on my chair because the chair is still too damp from morning dew to sit on. This is as close to camping as I want to get. The kind where I’m steps away from my own personal bathroom and where Randy is in the kitchen cooking breakfast for me.

We didn’t stay up late last night because I’ve been profoundly tired for about a week now. I decided to go back to my doctor yesterday because it dawned on me that I was well beyond my normal operating levels of tiredness and that probably meant I was dying of something. I was just there a little over a week ago. It would have been nice if this could have held off for a while. I hate going to the doctor and then going right back to the doctor because I think that makes it easier for them to see what a batshit crazy hypochondriac I am. I’m not being hyper-critical of myself. Randy will corroborate this.

Me: It’s either radioactive tick bite or pancreatic cancer.

Doc: We’ve been seeing a lot of radioactive tick bite and pancreatic cancer this week. Only he called the pancreatic cancer something more medical sounding because he’s fancy like that. 

Me: I hope it’s the radioactive tick then. I need a new superpower.

Doc: There’s no guarantee you will get a super power. Or it could be a lame one.

Turns out I have a slight ear infection and probably just getting over a kidney infection. No wonder I’m tired. And last week was rough, y’all. I was definitely in the ‘watch every tribute and cry every day over Robin William’s death’ group. I am so sad for him and his family.

He also sent me to the lab so he could test for West Nile, mono and Lyme disease. I’m pretty sure it’s just the infections I have, but that didn’t stop Randy from calling me a cougar. I had mono when I was 38 years old. I can’t begin to describe the amount of grief I’ve gotten over that. And no, I wasn’t hanging around high school football practice when I was 38.

Also, I feel compelled to mention my friend Steph over at We Don’t Chew  Glass. She really did get a tick bite and now she’s one of those people you’ve been reading about who developed a meat allergy from these ticks. Steph is hilarious and honest and she gets me right in the feels all the time. Anyway, I didn’t want to be all goddamn flippant about a tick bite without acknowledging that some people are horribly affected by them.

I’m glad I’m not really ill. I am bummed about not getting a new super power. I’d like the hang the awkwardness up for a while and try out invisibility. Or time travel. Or the ability to make people stop talking by winking at them.



About the author


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • Two superpowers that I fantasize about.

    1, Laundry Woman. ZAP! POW! Holy clean undies, Batman! [http://barbtaub.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/url.gif].

    2. Rubberizer: No, this does NOT mean I turn into a giant prophylactic. Instead, the next time some testosterone-poisoned doorknob driver cuts me off, I can point my (middle) Finger of Doom and all four of his tires will gently melt. I think about this one a lot…

    Hope you’re feeling better soon!

  • The ability to make people stop talking by winking at them! Oh my God that would be the greatest!

    I’m all blushy cause you called me hilarious. Thanks Michelle, you favorite sweetheart of mine.

  • Super powers really aren’t all that they’re cracked up to be. If you choose to use it for good, then you have to constantly save humanity from their own demise. If choose to use it for evil, then you have to keep trying to take over the world and get thwarted by somebody who’s using their powers for good.

    I am glad you’re not dying, though. That counts for something.

    • OMG wouldn’t that be great. And if I were Samantha Stevens, Darren would be in a lot of trouble. He’d be going to work every morning with a penis growing out of his forehead for trying to make me stop doing magic. You don’t want me to use magic? YOU clean the kitchen, then.

      • Ha ha ha, yes. I only realised when I was watching Bewitched again recently that Endora was in fact correct and that Darren was a sexist douchebag.
        I loved Samantha and Morticia, they were role models for me as a child. Kind of explains a lot!
        Very glad that you don’t have a serious illness and hope you feel better soon.
        I’d like a super power, to be able to zap myself and anyone else I want to take with me, anywhere in the world at any time.
        I could go to the beach in Mauritius for the day, off to Paris for dinner and zap myself back home to sleep in my own bed.

  • Oh I want superpowers too! I could be Serendipity Girl. My power would be that my uncoordinated trips, falls and foolish mistakes would magically set off a chain reaction of events that would result in great outcomes in the end. Maybe even world peace.

    I hope a radioactive tick bite isn’t the only option to powers though.

  • Wow…ticks are really an issue in some places aren’t they? This is the second and third I’ve read about this week (although I’m really hoping that yours actually ISN’T the third. Fingers crossed).

  • I’m glad you don’t have pancreatic cancer. That would suck. I can’t decide what super power I want. I don’t really want the one I have, which is the ability to tell instantly if a child is lying about having brushed his teeth, or washed his hands after using the bathroom. While it’s handy, it’s sort of lame. I’m completely fried after spending five days at Girl Scout day camp, then having my kids wake me up at 6 this morning playing fucking Minecraft, so that’s about all I can muster in the way of thoughts.

  • Awkwardessa? Seriously love that one. Glad you have a reason for feeling so tired – especially one that has an endpoint other than Lyme which is an evil bastard. And yet you STILL managed – what – 3 or 4 posts – ALL funny and serious and poignant? (I read them all but I don’t always comment). Your “lazy” makes my lazy look like a big fucking underachiever!

  • I’m glad your story had a happy ending and your super healing powers are at work. As we grow older, there seems to be more ways for illnesses to attack our bodies. My super power wasn’t working when someone took my wallet from my purse at Curves. How I wish I could have grabbed this woman in the act and zapped her into the black hole of shame.

  • Thanks for the laughs, Michelle. I can’t decide if I’m tired, or uninspired, but I’m definitely not lazy. I have a ton of things I want to do — if I can find someone to do them for me :}.
    Iron pills help a little. Hang in there…

  • Here’s to you getting a super-powerful immune system so you don’t have to feel sick so damned often.
    Ticks, though, are the worst. I’ve only been bitten once, but I used to have to pick them off of the dogs a lot, and they are GROSS!

  • I have the ability to make people feel uncomfortable and stop talking just by glaring at them… Not 100% sure that’s a superpower, though.
    Feel better. I know cranberries in any form helps. When I was younger they would recur & this really great urologist put me on Macrobid (low dose, oral antibiotic) for a while. Seemed to do the trick. Drink lots of water…

  • I’m right there with you. I would so love to have a great super power. Something like the ability to wash, dry, fold and put away laundry with my mind while sitting at my desk on the computer all day. That would be enough to make a big difference in my life.

  • There are SO many superpowers I wish I had — I guess I should give up on the superpower dream and start training as a wizard — because then I could do whatever I wanted, because I would be magic!

    I’m glad you’re on the mend — tell Randy that when you are exhausted, it is always nice to let you sleep for a few hours more on a Saturday morning!

  • *like*

    Cuz you know, there’s no like button on your blog and I have no real intelligent or whitty commentary today so I’ll just like it, and like it very much. So, consider yourself liked.

  • Your doctor has a great sense of humor haha. But that’s good you’re ok and nothing too serious was wrong 🙂

    And as long as we’re sharing superpower wishes, I’ve always wanted complete control of time. Control in a way most people can’t even imagine, not something nearly as simple as “travel through time”. But that’s too long of a story!

  • I’m relieved you are not sick — but that means you’re still sitting there, super tired and wondering: What the fuck is wrong with me?
    Could just be depression. I couldn’t get up today. Am going to the doctor’s myself.

    Super-powers I wish I had? Time Travel. So many people — artists, musicians, writers, political figures I’d love to meet. I’d go back in time and take the gun away from Kurt, give Robin a hug, and sit up all night with Nick Drake and convince him to get some help.

    Mind control: Not because I’m bent on world domination, but because I get very frustrated during arguments trying to convince people to my point of view.

    Muppet-morphosis – the ability to turn people into Muppets, because hey – haven’t you ever wanted to see what your friends (or enemies) would look like as a Muppet?

    • HAHAHHAHA…omg MUPPETS! YES! That would be awesome.

      I hope you’re feeling better. I considered depression, and it might be partially it..but I don’t know. I had some infection so that is probably what was making me so tired. I didn’t feel sick, though. Either way..I’ll be getting the blood test results this week.

  • I’m so bummed you didn’t get a super power!!! Lol! Thanks for a great piece. Isn’t it funny how we can take any symptom and convince ourselves that we are dying. I’m always walking around telling my husband, this is it, I think I’m finally going. To which he replies, wow, that’s a real bummer! Lol! Glad you know what is going on and wishing you a quick recovery!

    • Thank you! I am bummed as well…but life goes on.

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who is very often ‘dying’. My husband doesn’t even really respond anymore. Other than an eye roll.

  • I am Robin to your Batman of awkwardness. Holy lots of Awkward we are. It’s sad. I want a new superpower, too, like to be invisible because then I could learn shit, but I’d just sit on my reading chair flipping through a book pretending like I wasn’t knowing shit. That’s how you use superpowers…subtly.

    How have I not read your blog before? I think I just fell in love.

    • Subtle superpowers…you are on to something!

      We’re at the love stage already? Okay..I’m good with that. Where were you last night? Why didn’t you text me back? It’s like you don’t even CARE anymore. (I suck at relationship). hahahah

  • I would want the superpower that when I said, “What the Hell were you thinking?” to someone, I’d actually get the answer. Kind of an angry, verbal lasso of truth.

  • I’ve been hoping for a superpower too although I’m convinced it’s going to come as a result of GMOs and not radioactive bugs. I’m not picky though, either way is fine.

    Fingers crossed it’s levitation or mind control.

  • I hope it was just the infections. I’ve been really tired too. I had to stop reading the RW tributes; it was killing my soul. Just too close to home. And a horrible tragedy.

    And I LOVE Steph from We Don’t Chew Glass!!

By Michelle


RSIH in your inbox