In Sickness And In Health, ‘Til Death Do Us Part

I had to use 3 PTO days last week because I’m sick.

I hate using my days off as sick days, but damn, this is kicking my ass. It started with a sinus infection and is wrapping up with bronchitis, an ear infection, and a second round of antibiotics. I spent 36 hours in bed watching bad movies and filling a trashcan with snotty tissues.

By Sunday, I couldn’t stand myself anymore. I couldn’t take anymore chick flicks or Buffy or Supernatural. I wanted to be productive.

I needed to be productive.

I dragged my ass into the bathroom for my first shower since Thursday and made a mental list of the chores I would complete.

I finished my shower and blew my nose which immediately blocked my right ear. That made me super dizzy, so I had to take a nap.

An auspicious beginning to a day I swore would be productive.

I don’t know who I think I was kidding. My incessant coughing isn’t even productive.

I did manage to complete a few things on my list, and some things that weren’t even on my list. For instance, while I cleaned the kitchen counters, I mentally remodeled the kitchen.

Not completely, that would be silly. Just adding a tile back splash. And a new floor. Maybe some paint. The lazy Susan has to at least be repaired. A new fridge would be nice. 

I swept up the first layer of debris from my neglected kitchen floor. Alfie the kitty helped by batting the larger bitstissues around before I could get them in the dustpan.

The best thing about cleaning the kitchen today is that I couldn’t smell the bleach. Well, that and it felt good to leave my bed for more than 2 minutes.

Randy is a sweetheart. He didn’t want me to do any of it, but I explained that I needed to do something or I was going to lose my shit.

He really is a sweetheart. Except for when he’s not.

He started out great Saturday night. I was nowhere near ready to venture from my bed and was deeply engrossed in an episode of MST3K.

Randy made the perfect comfort food to accompany a sinus/bronchial infection. Grilled cheese, tomato soup and BBQ chips. Perfect. He brought them to me on a tray.

I was at the stage of my illness where my taste wasn’t completely gone, but it was definitely wonky.

Me: Oh man, this blows.

Randy: It’s no good?

Me: I am sure it’s fine, but my sinuses are so jacked that it tastes like a lint sandwich with floor cleaner soup. I can’t even guess what these chips taste like. Partially rusted metal springs? Old hammer heads?

Randy: I’m sorry.

Me: It’s not your fault. I’m sure they taste fine. It’s my fucked up sinuses.

Randy: Yeah, but if I had made you a lint sandwich and floor cleaner soup then it probably would have tasted like grilled cheese and tomato soup.

Me: There is that. Next time, I guess.

Randy: You want to watch some videos?

Me: Sure. I feel like ass, though. So nothing loud, or abrasive or aggressive, screechy or whiny.

You guys, he pulled up a song called Blood Waves by band called Ho99o9.

Me: Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Randy: What?

Me: This is literally 4 of the 5 things I said I didn’t want to listen to.

Randy: You liked this the last time I played it.

Me: Oh my god, I wasn’t sick then. I feel like shit now.

Randy: Okay, just wait until the beats per minute speed up.


Me: This is way worse and is now actually pissing me off.

Randy: Well, you did like it the last time I played it.

Me: I have no idea what is so hard to understand about the “I’m fucking sick” part.

Randy: Fine. You pick something.

Me: Okay, then.

So, we finished the MST3K episode about a gila monster the size of a school bus.

I guess I can forgive him that one transgressions as he has basically been my man servant throughout my illness.

You know how people always talk about when men get sick they’re helpless babies and when women get sick they still get shit done? Total opposite in my house. When I’m sick, I am down for the count. I rarely see Randy down. I mean, unless he does something silly like ignore an infected appendix for 4 or 5 days necessitating a hospital stay for half a month.

Wish me luck today. I had to come back to work, even though I could have used another day to rest. Maybe two more.

At least my normal sense of taste is returning. Maybe, I’ll get Randy to make grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner. I am still not ready to watch that fucking video, though.

Image courtesy of Anna J




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  • Get well soon, Michelle.
    Garlic anything may help? At least it tastes of something and kills germs.
    Disney films are usually good for the soul? Again, down to taste.
    I won’t suggest anything else, just get well soon. xxx

  • SO sorry you’re illin’ so fiercely!

    When I was sick Bob was always a giant peach – making me broth, baking me my special oatmeal, spinach, butterscotch chip cookies and nagging me to STAY IN BED AND RELAX.

    I’m glad Randy’s there for you.

  • Hope you are feeling better soon and the grilled cheese tastes wonderful soon. I had a bout of bronchitis this winter and I can empathize with you, it is no fun and I didn’t even have the sinus infection!

  • Well, at least if you are still snotty and really sound sick, people at work will probably leave you well alone – so there’s that. Randy sounds like my husband. We had to put our 16 yr. old kitty down this weekend and I was a total wreck. He stepped up and gallantly offered to cook, which was awesome. When dinner was over, it looked like a bomb went off in the kitchen. I told myself that cleaning up was better than ugly crying into the food.

    Feel better and keep on finding the funny.

  • Right there with ya, Babe.
    An Albuteral inhaler saved my life with the cough.
    But I missed the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Heppner and getting to ride the first ever library float 🙁
    In my Funeral Dress like a Princess from a storybook…
    *kicks couch*
    Sorry you had to use your good day off pass and still have to go back sick…
    Oh. And Schitt$ Creek is pretty funny… Not as funny as Clarita Diet, and, no zombies, either, just rich people suddenly poor 😀

  • When nothing else tastes right, I always go for shitty chinese. The MSG somehow cuts through whatever’s going on up in my sinuses (which are out to get me, I’m sure of it) and magically I can taste it. No, good chinese food doesn’t work – they’ve stopped using so much MSG. You gotta go to the really shitty place, the one you stopped going to years ago when you found the good place.

  • You are cracking me up! Men basically suck at caregiving. David tries hard, but as soon as I am better – he usually gets sick because it was too stressful for him! Sending virtual chicken soup………….

  • Fingers crossed by the time your head clears, his isn’t sick cuz there ain’t nuthin worse than a sick husband needing TLC! (feel better my friend!)

  • It took me a minute to figure out what PTO was. It didn’t make sense to me that you’d take a parent teacher organization to cope with illness, nor a power take off (the lever beside the gear shift in a dump truck that you engage to dump it) but then I finally did figure it out.
    I hope you are feeling better very soon. Briana had the sickness last week, but I think I may have avoided it.
    I have found that cats like to come lay in whatever you’re paying attention to, and those piles of dirt you make while sweeping are no exception.

  • I’m going downstairs to have a grilled cheese and maybe tomato soup and I’m not kidding.

    You sound better, and if your husband brought you chips and dip and a beer for dinner on a tray I’d think it was adorable, because, husbands carrying trays.

    • He really is adorable. And he has been waiting on me with trays. Haha. How was your grilled cheese and soup? Hopefully better than lint and floor cleaner.

  • 🙁 I hope you feel better soon. I hot pepper the fuck out of food when I’m sick. It’s been passed down for generations–I don’t know whether it works or not but that’s what I always do and that’s my advice. Crushed red hot pepper. I think it works as I feel better but I don’t know if I just feel better because I psyche myself out that it works or if it actually works.
    When I’m sick I get whiny, and when that doesn’t work, bitchy. So basically, since whiny doesn’t work for me at home–I get the “are you kidding me right now” look–I am a total bitch and therefore pretty much banned to one room in the house. Which is fine as along as said room has a TV. And then I call my dad. Because he will not only put up with my whining but will baby me the way I want to be babied when I am sick.
    I hear MST is supposed to have a new season sometime this year. This makes me beyond happy!

  • I hear ya sister. I hate being sick, and I totally get that after a couple of days of lying in bed I have to get up and do something. Your kitchen sounds like my kitchen – I need a new backsplash, new fridge, new floor and a cat that won’t chase the dust bunnies around while I am trying to sleep.

    I swear we are related. If not in this life, then certainly in the last.

    Hope work didn’t kick your ass too hard. Just leave your kleenex lying around your desk and no-one will bother you!

    • Work didn’t kick my ass too hard. It wasn’t fun, but mostly I got left alone. I am home now and in bed already. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit easier.

  • I hope you’re really feeling better now. Bronchitis owned my February but, I was figuring, ‘screw it…the month sucks anyway’, but the joke was on me. February was nicer than March has been so far. Sometimes you just can’t win.

  • Try MST3K’s Future Wars — you’ll find out that you are 3.2 times a lady!
    Feel better, shower, sleep, and drink lots and lots of coffee. Not because it’s medicinal, I just like coffee.

  • I’m not Jewish but I totally, totally believe in the Jewish remedy for anything involving the head and lungs and words ending in itis – Bronchitis, sinusitis, tonsillitis….Matzo ball soup! It works. It really works! (Adding a few shakes of red pepper is medicinal, too.)
    Feel better soon.

  • I’m glad you’re feeling better and I hope you keep getting better. You deserve some down time because when you’re up you’re so amazing, but it should be enjoyable down time, not time when you feel like shit and everything tastes like ass. It’s a terrible thing when you feel so bad you really wish you could go back to work.
    And now, to quote Mike Nelson, “Well, there it is. Spankings all around then.”

    • Dude, I really need some sustained enjoyable downtime. I so much do. Thank you! And I only want to administer spankings, not receive them. Honestly, that sounds like too much work. Can we just have eye rolls all around? Would that work?

  • Omg yes, on the taste and annoyance levels thing. Of course my annoyance level is kind of always set at “this is kind of pissing me off”…haha.

    Good to be back, but sorry to hear you’re sick!! Get well soon! I missed you. Will try and do some catch-up reading.

  • Try zinc, I had the same stuff Jan & Feb with a bit of pneumonia thrown in. The zinc seemed to help and seemed to slow down the cough. It boosts your immune system so if it doesn’t help that can’t be bad.

By Michelle


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