So, I guess this is what we’ve been waiting for.
I don’t know how the impeachment proceedings will end, but I do know life is going to get more weird.
I think we’re finally in the shit of it. Or at least rushing toward an end.
I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted by this. I am tired of the mental energy the stupid president sucks up. I also know it doesn’t matter if I’m exhausted or not.
Here is something I know about most adult children of narcissists.
We have an abundance of empathy.
And if you are me, you already had empathy. Then, you got some kitties and you found your empathy extend to so many more creatures.
I’m even worried if trees have self awareness. Or if they feel pain.
I’m good with my extended empathy. I don’t think caring is ever a bad thing.
So, I had this moment.
It was like the time I went to my uncle’s funeral. My dad’s older brother.
This was before I understood malignant narcissism.
I just thought my dad was an insufferable asshole. Which is true, I guess, I just didn’t know the name for it.
Anyway, this was years after the heart issue left him mildly brain damaged. He had been mostly quiet and not sickening to be around for well over 10 years at this point.
So, I watched my dad walk in between his remaining brother and sister and they looked small. They looked small, scared, sad and I felt something I hadn’t felt for my father in decades. I felt compassion for him.
That didn’t last long, though. He managed to destroy the feeling by the time I reached the back of the church. He had an audience of long forgotten about cousins. When I went to say goodbye to him, he ignored me. I thought perhaps he didn’t hear me, so I said it again.
Then came the face I knew so well from childhood. The curled lip. The contempt.
“I heard you the first time.”
No idea why I wasted my time and feelings.
Then comes the impeachment hearings.
I watched clips (with the sound down, I hate the sound of his stupid voice) and he looks so bad, you guys. He stumbles when we walks. He can’t form a coherent sentence. He’s fading fast. He looks unhappy and unhinged with just a bit of confusion.
For a moment, for the briefest moments, I felt bad for him.
Kinda the way I felt bad for Annie Wilkes at the end of Stephen King’s Misery. She was horrible, but she didn’t know she was horrible.
Then, the moment passed.
I didn’t need a kick to the head like I got from my broken father.
The president is broken and pathetic. But he made his choices. Broken or not.
He made his fucking bed, he can die in it.
Because of him, I know who Heather Heyer and Fred Guttenburg are. I shouldn’t. They should both be living a normal life. But Heather is dead and Fred had to bury his daughter.
Because of the president, there are toddlers at our southern border who have to stand trial. Babies. Standing trial. IN OUR COUNTRY.
Because of his arrogance and illness, he is poisoning the earth. He is allowing destruction. He is taking from the poor and feeding it to the rich.
I don’t want to lose my compassion. I don’t want to dehumanize anyone. That is what they do. That is not what I want to do.
But I refuse to feel compassion for this man or for any of his enablers. The destruction they are causing is breathtaking.
When this is all over, we’re still going to have to find a way to live with each other.
At this point, I have no idea how that even works.
Also, for the first time in a while, I feel some hope.
Not a shit ton of hope. I know we still haven’t seen the worst of it.
But I do feel hope because I feel like we’re finally moving forward.
Hold on to each other. Be as kind as you can.
I’ll be over here. Teaching myself, again, how to let go of bitterness.
Photo courtesy of Free-Photos.