It’s Not All Unicorns and Cubicle Queens

So, I mentioned a few days back that I got poisoned by the medicine I’ve taken for 28 years. I’m getting better. Still, not feeling great, but on the upswing.

I get hiccups multiple times daily. Who gets symptoms like this? Who? The fucking hiccups, are you fucking kidding me?

My eyes are always red, irritated, and feel like they’re trying to escape my skull.

Oh, and there is acne. Lots of acne.

Those symptoms are punks compared to the anxiety and nervousness. Understanding why I am feeling these things in such an extreme way does help. I am no longer afraid of the way I feel. Not being afraid, however, doesn’t make it any easier to take a deep breath. Understanding why I’m so anxious doesn’t make it thrum any less violent through my chest.

Still, I am getting better.

I got close to chipper this week. I even had the teeniest of spring in my gait. Until this morning. This morning was a dick.

Then lunch happened.

I got to have lunch with Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle today. Not only Priscilla, but 4 other people I used to work with.

I finished Priscilla’s birthday present and gave it to her. 2 months late. But like the shirt says, “whatever, bitch”. Priscilla is going to look like a bad ass motherfucker at the gym in this shirt.

I miss talking to Priscilla all day long. I mean, we do talk. We talk every day, but not nearly as much. I had to give Priscilla shit for not being funny enough to write about lately. Am I supposed to think of all this shit myself? She blames me because now I actually work when I go to work. I still blame Priscilla. Mostly, because it’s fun to blame her.

Usually, I eat at my desk, play games on my phone, and surf at lunch. Getting out for a lunch today felt like a balm on my shattered nerves.

Knowing that there are people on the planet who still want to go out of their way to see me makes me smile. I haven’t felt a whole lot like smiling this week.

Earlier this evening, I whined to Randy. I feel like my summer has been consumed with being sick and I feel pouty about that.

Randy: Summer is less than a month old. 

Me: It’s July 23rd, summer is officially over a month old. And really, summer begins on Memorial day. 

Randy: Who made you Goddess of the seasons?

Me: It’s generally accepted. Memorial day starts summer. Memorial day is when the pools open. Pools equal summer. 

Randy: Just because you work at a place that sells pools, doesn’t make you an expert. 

Me: Do I even need to tell you how many ways that makes no sense? How in the fuck does my place of employment mean anything to the fact that people generally accept summer starts on Memorial day?

Randy: Okay, mother nature.

Me: I’m going to smother you. 

Randy always helps me put things in perspective. Either that, or he annoys me. He distracts me from my pouting.

Since the pouting moment had passed, I started considering my last few weeks. Yes, being sick as fuck sucked ass. However, I had people who love me, prove over and over, that they will soften the blow when I fall. Unless, I literally fall. In their defense, they didn’t see that coming.

I feel like shit, but I am loved.

I kind of feel like I’m winning.


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  • Randy sounds so much like my husband and that same type of conversation happens in our house daily. That is probably why they make me laugh. I’m glad you got out, LOVE the shirt, and…..what was that last thing?? Oh….yes, you are loved and totally winning.

    Would it make you smile if I told you that I just typed this entire comment in the subscribe box and couldn’t understand why it was asking me for an ‘@’ for the e-mail address? It took me not seeing the little spammer box to realize it. I guess it’s gonna be on of THOSE days.

  • One day, the hooves of a million fucking horses pounding (maybe they aren’t all fucking, but it would make sense given the intensity of what it feels like) will escape from your chest. I promise you. I have been down that road of hypo/meds/bullshit and am finally feeling I can breathe again. It sucks, especially because on the outside you look “fine” to everyone else. On the inside? HA! Anything but “fine”.

    • It feels REALLY good to know someone understands what this feels like. It’s terrible..but it IS getting better. Still really anxious and nervous, but it’s getting better

  • I had fits of the hiccups for a while. I’m convinced it was leftover chemo drugs fighting their way out of my body. Maybe you’re experiencing something similar as that shitty drug that was killing you gradually makes its way out. Here’s a tip: a spoonful of sugar can cure the hiccups. And if it doesn’t, hey, at least you’ve just had a spoonful of sugar. It helps the medicine go down. And out.

  • If it is any consolation, I have felt like shit this week. The air in NC is so thick and heavy with humidity I can hardly breathe. My sinuses don’t like excessive humidity. And for some reason between that and not washing my hair for three days (I did shower by the way) I had a blistering headache last night… teetering on the edge of a full blown sick migraine. I am better today and heading to the beach after work… hopefully the air is better there! Glad you are feeling better!

  • The conversations between you and Randy would make an excellent sitcom, would make me laugh anyway!
    I have a full thromp family thing going on this weekend, the whole strange clan together in one space for my parent’s 50th anniversary.
    Will let you know if I survive, my anxiety is already through the roof and I haven’t even got there yet. Oh and just to make it even better it’s been raining hard all day and I have to walk some distance in it to the florists to pick up a centre piece on my way, which I then have to get there without it getting damaged on a bus and a tube. I shall look like a drowned rat and my great idea for a centre piece yesterday suddenly seems like a bad idea…

  • I’m sorry you’re still feeling shitty, Michelle, and I hope it passes soon. I actually think that whining helps. Remember that you also have tons of online friends who care about you, too. And that is the best shirt ever!

    • I hope you all know how much your support means to me. It helps SO MUCH. And thanks about the shirt. I worked hard on it and I’m glad it’s done. I suck at stuff like that. If you could see it up close, you’d see how bad the stitching is.

  • Wow – yes. I have the summer sads big time. It’s a gorgeous, sunny, 70-something degree day and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. What? Too dramatic? Probably.
    Support is a wonderful thing though, and you always have mine. xo

  • Glad to hear you’re on the upswing, or at least not a downswing… And I love your convos too.

    Because of the RV trip and yard sale production we just finished, I feel like summer will be over and it’s only just started even FEELing like summer to me… Which makes me sad because I pretty much hate all the seasons that aren’t summer…and every day that I miss doing something summery like going to the beach makes me anxiously feel the ticking clock of Approaching Winter.

    And yes, pools equal summer. That whole “first day of summer” in June crap? No.

  • Sorry Randy, I agree with Michelle. Summer starts on the Victoria Day weekend in Canada. Because, after the solstice the days start getting shorter!!!! wtf???? Once summer starts it is already in decline.

    hmmm…there is a metaphor here, but I am not going to think too hard about it.

    Glad you are starting to feel better. Whine (Wine?) away!

    • Ha! It must be a Canadian thing. I feel the same way about Summer being over as soon as it starts. Once crappy weather starts in the Fall, I know, if I can make it to Dec 20th, the days will be getting longer again. A few years ago, I started the tradition of wearing shorts from the 21st of March, regardless of the temperature from that point on on. I will then continue to wear them until Thanksgiving, as that was when we would close the cottage down, when I was a Kidd, and meant the end of Summer. Now I’ve stretched the short wearing till my birthday on November 8th, if I can manage. So based on the shorts analogy, Winter runs from November 8th to March 20th. I hate Winter……

  • I feel for you, going through so many miserable symptoms during your summer. High anxiety is never a “good” thing to experience, no matter what time of year or whether or not you have an explanation for it. Here in South Florida, we don’t care about Memorial Day or Summer Solstice. Our “summer” officially begins when the heat and humidity become unbearable, which could be as early as late April or early May. Haha! We grill all year long, we can go in the pool or to the beach all year long—well, natives don’t go in the water during the fall and winter, unless we have pool heaters. So…..maybe you need to pick up the family and move down here! You could have that “coming out of hibernation” experience all year long! Plus, it’s just as easy to be anxious sitting underneath a palm tree on the beach with an umbrella drink in your hand as it is being up there, waiting for another winter! AmIRight? 😉 Seriously though, my thoughts are with you as you heal. And you WILL heal. And Randy—listen to your wife! She’s the Queen, dammit! Haha!

    • HAHAHA!!!! That’s good to know, Randy! Your wife ROCKS! By the way, you will sell gazillions of pools if you move here! 😉

  • Memorial Day starts summer. Why would he even argue about that?

    I feel like my summer has been consumed by rain (soooooo much rain) and headaches. So I feel ya. And I’m cheering for you!

  • OK, if you are Goddess of the Seasons, could we please have some snow in California this winter? I mean, if it’s not too much trouble… Glad that you’re starting to feel better. And as for Randy, just going by the pics in your Huffpost video, he’s quite handsome.

  • I am so going to need that shirt. Think about all the summers to come! You could also still make up for the first half of this one, easily! 🙂

  • Nope. Randy’s wrong. Summer starts when school’s out. It ends little bits at a time, starting when Target starts in with their back-to-school bullshit.

    Glad you’re feeling better. And that you had lunch with Priscilla. I miss her.

  • “However, I had people who love me, prove over and over, that they will soften the blow when I fall. Unless, I literally fall. In their defense, they didn’t see that coming.”

    Oh god I’m sorry. I just guffawed aloud at that line.
    I mean, I am sure that you meant it as funny, but I still feel kind of bad that your whapping your chin open made me laugh.
    Except it didn’t. The whapping your chin part, that is.


    …I might need to get more sleep in my life. Obviously four hours a night is NOT enough.

    I’m glad that you are on the upswing. Feeling like crap and then being anxious/depressed on top of that, and then being anxious and depressed about being sick and anxious sucks sweaty politician sack.

    Also, Randy is supremely wrong. EVERYone knows summer starts the moment you can get in the pool and not turn purple from the cold.

  • I get hiccups every time I eat French Fries, or bread, or Coke. Basically, whenever I ingest any of the foods that I love that are not so great for me — my body is cruel. Sometime when I eat sushi, I have this strange hiccup/burp thing happen — and I literally cannot swallow and can barely breathe — and it fucking hurts! It pisses me off because there is delicious sushi to be had and everyone else is snarfing it down while I’m breathing shallowly and trying to get that damn burp past the hiccup so I can quit drooling and get back down to eating sushi. As you can tell, I’m lots of fun to go out to lunch with.

  • I hate when I start feeling like that. I just tripped and fell into the black hole for a little while, but I managed to climb back out again, it happens. I hope you get to feeling better!

  • First: Did you ever do anything with the ‘whatever, bitch’ logo for a gym workout line?
    Second: If I reply to these a year later, does it resubmit it to the Universe or just to you or does it just hang in virtual computer blog world until someone sees it and makes it real?
    Third: I HAVE to do more research (read more old posts) on this Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle. Does she call herself that? Or did you assign her the fitting moniker…. alas… don’t worry, I’ll find out more and IM you for needed details. Suffice it to say, if you miss her, I NEED to see what she was dishing out for blog fodder 🙂
    Unicorns in the title? Hmph…

    • Hahaha..I see comments come up regardless of the post. No, I stopped at that one shirt. It took FOREVER. And I named Priscilla to protect her identity. I miss her like crazy, but we still talk every day on google chat.

      • I am aware now.
        (Madonna. Late ’80’s 😉 )

        It is VERY interesting to watch your writing style and meet the people who have come by to chat.
        I’m even clicking on a few of the other’s old blog posts!

        I’ll be off vacation next Monday…

  • Michelle,

    You rock a good story. Wonderful. I told my (much) younger boss on my performance plan I wanted to be able to tell him one funny story a day. Life wasn’t worth living if you couldn’t find humour, even with some of the pain. He accepted my performance plan.

    I’ve not lived up to it every day, however, even if something isn’t per se funny? It sure can be made to be funny. We all have those days where…”no really, you tripped over the railroad tracks in rush hour traffic time, downtown”, and you laugh, because you’re just glad you were wearing durable clothing and didn’t land on your lunch.

    Keep writing. You’re brilliant.

    • I think that is a wonderful plan! Yes! One funny story a day. We all need at least one funny story a day. And thank you so much! this make smy night.

By Michelle

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