It’s Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature

I stood out on my deck this past weekend in bare feet and a light shirt. The air was cool, bordering on cold, but not. The air felt delicious on my skin.

In December.

Don’t get me wrong. I love this weather. I love not driving in snow and ice. I love not freezing my boobs off.

What if we’re tricking some mystical force right now and enjoying this awesome weather ends up raining the wrath of heaven and hell on us?

I haven’t seen the movie Frozen, but I do know that song because I have grandchildren. I’ve heard the song performed 27 billion times. I can’t help but think of that movie and wonder if it’s going to become a documentary soon. I mean, if the movie is about everything covered in ice. I have no idea. I just know there is an Elsa and she wants to let something go.

I can go from “Goddamn, it’s so nice out here” to “Goddammit, we’re probably on the cusp of an ice age” in under a minute. Why do I do this? I have no idea. I just know one minute I felt a breeze on my stomach and back. My t-shirt had ridden up and it felt good. The next minute, I was mourning the world for my grandchildren because of the ice age that I’ve decided is knocking on our storm door.

I base this on science if we can agree that science equals a commercial from the seventies.

It’s not nice to fool mother nature.

Remember the commercial for Chiffon margarine? Mother nature gets all pissy because she ate some margarine and thought it was butter? Yeah, she had fire coming out of her fingertips because of margarine. I have to think bypassing winter might bring about more of mother nature’s wrath than a few bolts of lightning.

I have to say, though, that mother nature must be kind of dumb because it’s not hard to tell margarine from butter. I have found that families are divided into two groups, those who eat butter and those who are doing it wrong. 

Anyway, I really did start to get stressed out. I let my imagination go as far as it wanted with the whole “ice age is coming and my grandchildren are going to freeze to death in a permanent winter” scenario.

I did manage to convince myself to shut the fuck up for a goddamn minute and appreciate the nice December weather. I know this shit isn’t going to last.

I got it under control, because even if my sound, based in science theory about the looming ice age is true, life still goes on right now. Life still goes on.

Speaking of life, if you’ve been reading a while, then you’ve heard me talk about the issues I’ve been having with my thyroid. My medicine had built to a level that I had hyperthyroidism severe enough to cause me to pass out. My doctor fiddled with doses and my levels stayed high, so he dropped them by more than half. Then I was in a state of hypothyroidism. It has been a long, uncomfortable 6 months, but I got the word this week that I’m at a normal level again. I am quite looking forward to feeling like me again.

A year ago, I wrote about starting this new job. I started this job on the heels of being ill enough to be hospitalized. I have been sick in one way or another for a goddamn year. I look back and feel so compassionate for my own self when I recall the anxiety that I felt back when I started this job.

Now? Well, now I go to a job every day that I don’t mind going to. I don’t know that I’m ever going to fall in love with a cubicle, but it’s nice to go to work and feel okay with being there.

I miss Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle, but the people I work with now are awesome. And funny.

Me, having just fixed an issue for a user: I am like a god. 

Coworker: You sit in a cubicle. 

Me: So?

Coworker: You had a cockroach crawling on your desk last week. 

Me: I am like a lesser god. 

I don’t think we’re going to have a white Christmas in my part of the Midwest this year. I’m good with that. I’ve seen snow before. It’s pretty. Snow is like the movie The Crying Game. It’s a fine movie, but I don’t have any burning desire to ever see it again.

I’m sure we’ll eventually get some snow here this year, but for now, I will appreciate the fact that it’s still warm enough for me to go without wearing socks.

It’s the little things, you guys.

Still, this weather is weird, isn’t it?

Today’s post brought to you by El Nino. 

46 Thoughts.

  1. I’ll trade you. I walked the dog this morning and it was 31 degrees. Fastest I’ve ever walked a mile.

    So what, you ask? So I live in the freaking Arizona desert. It only got to 55 degrees yesterday. I think we are starting your ice age.

  2. I saw this kind of weather when I was 21, Wayback Machine required.

    It was 74F on Christmas. I remember that because I had a picture taken of me outside wearing a t-shirt. To commemorate the event please know that copies of said photo are available, signed and numbered, for a small charge, ($150.00 each). Remember, you’re helping a 100% disabled Vietnam Era Veteran. No bullshit. 😀 Buy early. Buy massive quantities.

    We now return you to your weather channel.

  3. Tomorrow, we are supposed to have our first major cold front coming through in South Florida. Temps in the upper 50s/lower 60s. That is pretty much coat and boot weather, since it’s our only chance to wear them without sweating puddles inside the damned things. We shall see. They promise us lots of things, these weather people, and only deliver a quarter of the time. So, why don’t they receive only a quarter of their paycheck? Ha!
    On a more serious note, I am genuinely so happy for you that you are feeling better. Health issues can make life a living hell and when you feel something at all like your “usual normal”, it is cause for celebration. And of course, you ARE a Goddess, Michelle! If the cockroaches worship you, you KNOW you’re all that and a bag of chips! After all, the cockroaches will be here long after the rest of the human race has been extinguished. They know royalty when they see it! 😀

    • So much for early predictions. They’re now saying that this weekend will be in the mid 70’s (76-78) and then go back to the low 80’s next week (Ft. Lauderdale). As cold as it was here last winter, I am amazed at the fluctuations from year to year!
      Michelle, I’m so glad you back to “normal” – that’s wonderful news. More wonderful is that you like your job. Not a lot of people get to say that anymore. Hope you and your family have wonderful, healthy & happy Holidays.

  4. I got mad at this warm weather yesterday. Because I bought myself new boots and gloves and a hat. I felt so proud and prepared. Now I can’t wear any of that.
    My mind went in the opposite direction: what if it’s going to stay this warm forever. Should have kept the goddamn receipt.

  5. Yeah, it’s weirdly mild here in London too and you are not alone in thinking we’re going to pay for this fairly soon with a return to the Ice age, or may it’s the start of the Apocalypse. I’ve stocked up on bourbon just in case!
    🙂
    That’s my excuse anyway!

    Definitely with you on the butter issue and snow. If flies won’t eat margarine then I don’t think I should either.
    Snow, pretty on a Christmas card, pain in the ass in reality, for me literally as I’m guaranteed to fall over!

  6. It sounds like we’re going to have a 60 degree Christmas in New England. So yeah, very odd.

    I feel like I had about five minutes when I could stop worrying about nuclear Armageddon (the fear of my childhood) before I had to start worrying about global warming. Bah.

    • There is always something to be afraid of…I’m just trying to learn to let go of being afraid of the shit I can’t do anything about. It’s not working out so well yet, but I have hope.

  7. Here’s the real pain in the ass about the current weather for me: it’s cold enough in the mornings that I need a heavy coat. Then in the afternoon I’d really prefer to be in short sleeves, but I’ve gotta lug a big heavy coat because I’ll need it in the morning. Or I wear the coat. And joggers in t-shirts and shorts go by me and I want to say, “Yes, as a matter of fact I do feel like a rotisserie chicken.”
    The bright side is here in the South we don’t know how to handle snow. Here we think the way to drive in snow is to press the accelerator to the floor and try not to lose control of the steering wheel on our way to the store to load up on bread, eggs, milk, and toilet paper for when we have French toast diarrhea, whereas in the Midwest and places that get regular snowfalls of more than an inch everyone knows the way to drive in snow is to get off the road as soon as possible.
    What I’m getting at is I’m glad your thyroid is currently under control and that you are a god at your office. I don’t care if you’re a lesser god. In the spirit of the movies I dub thee Mighty Aphrodite.

    • HAHAHA..I have actually been tinkering around with an Aphrodite post…so that’s kind of funny!

      And don’t fool yourself…we don’t all know how to drive in the snow here. Assholes in SUVs who think they won’t slide ON THE ICE drive like idiots and cause accidents all the goddamn time.

  8. Here on Canada’s west coast we are of course just starting to line up the sled dogs. They’re frisky from a lovely summer of rest and are roaring to go. Ice forms quickly on their coats and their eyelashes tend to freeze shut if we neglect to goop on the vaseline. Ha! Rains all the time here in the winter. Except up at Whistler and on the local mountains. They get snow. Supposed to be a record warm El Nino year here however we’ve yet to see any sign of that and the ski slopes are all opening early.

  9. El Nino has a sponsored post, I like it! Mother Nature sponsoring a post is good as well!Last winter start here was what you are having there. Here now it is all rain, 24/7 rain, showers, breaks in rain, light rain, varied showers, very very moist. Don’t even bother flat ironing curly hair this winter , and straight hair people, it is going to be a straight hair winter.

  10. So glad to hear you are feeling better – I think it’s a HUGE BLOODY win when anyone going through menopause gets to feel better about something that previously wasn’t working like it should !!! Lord knows there are enough things that don’t work like they should now.
    Please pretty please would you not mind if we got some snow while we are visiting – we are so hanging out to see proper snow and not just a few flakes that melt before they hit they ground. I know it will be a big inconvenience for everyone who actually live there but it would be sooooooooooooooooooo cool for us. I want to lie in the snow and make snow angels. I want to have snow ball fights with my husband, daugher and her soon to be husband. Basically I want to be like a big Michelin kid. So if you could arrange something along those lines it would be most appreciated. A unseasonably warm spell is not what we will be looking for !!!! PMSL
    Today is my last day of work until 4th January and I’m not sure how much I will be on the computer at home. I am busy making an American flag blanket for my future son-in-law who will absolutely love it even if he hates it because his MIL made it for him !!!! Man I am so looking forward to messing with these two – thank goodness he can take a joke and be able to laugh at himself and us otherwise he would not fit into our family very well !!!!
    Have the BESTEST Christmas and I hope that all your dreams come true in 2016 !!
    xox

    • I adore you! THank you so much!!

      And I am about 5 hours south of where you will be. I know we aren’t getting snow as they are forecasting 60 degree weather. You might get some there. I kind of doubt it, though.

  11. I’m having coffee on my deck barefooted as I read/write… Of course I am half a world away where it is summer … And the little things I’m appreciating right now are baby swallows having their first flying lesson … From our deck to the fence… Magic

  12. That’s freaky that you say that, because I read just a few weeks ago where someone said that the inevitable follow-up to global warming is a new Ice Age. Which freaks me the hell out.
    I hate snow “romance-novel style”–as in, “with a burning passion that knows no bounds.” Kids (rightfully) have fun in the snow, but I think anyone over 18 who wishes for snow is just asking for slippery roads and death on the highway.
    God, I’ve become a boring, know-it-all old man. Oh well, might as well own it.
    Always love your blogposts though. Glad your thyroid has straightened out.

  13. I don’t think I’ve seen your contemplative side before… It’s scary. Stop it.

    🙂

    I’ve always wondered what kind of warning the dinosaurs had….just munching on other dinosaurs and huge trees one day, then one day just stop walking cuz the snow got too deep.

    Or, remember Jim Henson’s ‘The Dinosaurs?’ The Baby and his ‘Not the Momma!’ Daddy bashing?

    http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Episode_407:_Changing_Nature

    Funny how it has some interesting parallels.

    Funny I didn’t know flies won’t eat margarine.

    Funny I need to go put my snow protective covering clothes on to go feed my horses this morning.

    Well, not really funny, it is Oregon in December…probably should have more snow by now – at least on Cabbage hill so the truckers can get good practice with chains…you know, putting them on in slashing winds with zero visibility conditions and then taking them off with an extra couple hundred pounds of mud and rock. Keeps ’em sharp and we might all need transportation to lower ground where the ice age hasn’t hit yet.

    I agree with Kevin, anyone over 18 who wishes for snow has a death wish for driving.

    I’m glad you’re feeling better!! Even liking the cubicle conditions 🙂 (I think I would like a cubicle just for the promise of enclosure if I decided to hang a blanket over the tops of the walls when I just couldn’t take it anymore but still had to be there…)

    I’m OK with flicking cockroaches out of my space… I refuse to be a lesser god.

    🙂

  14. Ugh! I’ll trade you. I can’t even walk around my house without socks, much less go outside without them. Brrrrrr. And I live in California. I’m supposed to have pretty much 70 degrees all year, so, yeah, definitely an ice age coming.

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