I’ve Been Scarred By Yoga

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It might be paranoid to say that Yoga is out to get me, but Yoga is out to get me.

I might be exaggerating.

I actually adore Yoga. I’ve been bendy most of my life and it feels good to be able to keep up in a class. Not like that time I tried Zumba. Pretty sure I was moving like I had been stunned by a rubber mallet. And perhaps been drugged. We won’t talk about my recent attempt at learning hip hop moves. It gave ‘you can’t touch this’ a whole new meaning.

Here are just a few of my Yoga incidents. I can’t bring myself to talk about the one hot Yoga class I took.

The first one happened at my current job. We had a fitness challenge at work. The person who lost the most weight got a week long cruise. I wanted that cruise. I ended up gaining 4 lbs throughout the campaign, so I did it wrong.

My company sponsored an evening of Yoga. I had only worked here a few months and I felt self conscious about exercising in front of a bunch of people I didn’t know, but like I said, I’m pretty bendy, so I knew I could get through the class.

So, I’m sitting on my yoga mat, minding my business, when I glanced to my right. There was a girl two mats down who thought it was a good idea to wear booty shorts. To a Yoga class. She was sitting with her feet flat in front of her and her knees slightly splayed. Her booty shorts had shifted. Not a little.Β A lot.Β When I glanced over, I got a full on twat shot. I mean, I saw it all..in clinical detail. A strange woman was inadvertently displaying her hooha at the company sponsored Yoga class.

You know how when you do something embarrassing and then tell yourself that you shouldn’t dwell on it for years because anyone else involved had forgotten about it? Well, I am here to tell you that is complete bullshit. I never forgot. This woman works in a different building, so I don’t see her often, but when I do, I always thinkΒ Oh, yeah, I saw her twat.Β It happened 7 years ago. I think that every single time I see her. She might not be embarrassed for a couple of reasons. It’s possible she is very proud of her vagina and doesn’t mind flashing it or she didn’t actually know about her beaver showing.

Either way, I think I permanently injured my neck by snapping my head in the other direction so fast. Yoga hurts, you guys.

The second story is about the time I was taking a weekly Yoga class with my former boss’s wife. She was a slip of a woman. I am not. However, I was way more bendy than she was. She would get mad because I could hold poses she couldn’t even get into because her muscles were so tight. Since I am me, I would tease her about it.

One night, and I don’t know what pose it was, but she was struggling and I was holding my pose. Until I wasn’t holding it anymore. I don’t know exactly what happened, but one minute, I’m balancing like a pretzel and then next minute, I was flat on my face. My response, instead of quietly getting back into the pose, was to lay there and laugh.

The instructor quietly said “These things happen and it’s good when you fall. It teaches you humility. It helps you to be humble”.

My boss’s wife had managed to get into her pose and was looking at me and laughing.

So I pushed her over.

I looked at the instructor and said “I’m helping her. No way is she humble enough”.

My boss’s wife thought it was hilarious. The Yoga instructor did not. She told me after class that if I did anything like that again, I wasn’t welcome back.

I can’t remember if I went back after that or not. I think I was afraid of getting put in time out.

I’ll probably try to get into Yoga again one day. But in the privacy of my own home. I’ve belonged to gyms and have taken tons of classes and I’ve never learned how to be comfortable exercising in front of a crowd. Besides, I think I have Yoga karma coming to get me for the pushing incident.

 

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  • Ha ha, whiplash injury!!! That’s why I appreciate that Master Dan keeps our yoga room nice & dark, harder to see me fumbling around…
    I’m still working up my nerve to slip into the back row of Zumba.

  • Aw. thanks for the laughs! Full on beaver exposure? That is scary my friend and yes, scarring (2 different words). I LOVE yoga and I’m very dedicated but I’m by no means a pretzel nor am I a ‘slip’ of a woman…I always make sure I’m covered and boobs are tucked in properly. OMG, my blog post on comment luv is taking on new meaning here πŸ™‚

  • I don’t think I’d ever forget seeing a co-workers twat either. Which makes me think gynecologists probably try to avoid socializing with their patients, or see them at the grocery store, or the mall, or anywhere.

  • OMG, that is hilarious! I’ve only been to yoga class a few times, and honestly it always throws me for a loop trying to figure out what to wear, but I will remember booty shorts are a bad thing.

    • YES! Do NOT wear booty shorts. I mean..unless that would be a happy accident for you. Which may have been the case here..I do not know that woman at all as we have no reason for interaction at work and I’m introverted.

  • Ha ha ha, booty shorts is a new term for me but I knew exactly what you meant by it.
    I know I have never owned or worn any as I have always been very self conscious, even when I had a good figure.

    I have an extreme aversion to exercising in public and this just enforces it.
    I would have had to tell beaver woman that she was flashing her bits to the world though, some things we don’t need to see!
    πŸ™‚
    That Yoga instructor needed to get a sense of humour
    This is another reason I don’t like classes as people take themselves way too seriously.
    I’d definitely have got thrown out as I would probably find a lot of things way too funny.

    • Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything..I just didn’t want to see it again. holy hell…

      And I find that a lot of situations are funny when humor isn’t appropriate. I am constantly telling myself ‘no..don’t say that…even if it is hilarious’

  • I would have pushed her over, too. Not that I could do any form of yoga (Unless laying flat on the ground counts as a yoga pose, I can do that. For a while.)

  • I remember rushing into a yoga class while everyone was sitting in meditation, unrolling my mat and then tripping over it. I. fell. hard.
    It was so embarrassing. Plus the really hot yoga instructor was on the mat beside me. I quickly jumped up, and sat down despite being hurt because I didn’t want the scene to last any longer.

    He quietly leaned over and whispered into my ear.
    “some days we really really need our yoga practice” – ya, cause then maybe I won’t be such a klutz.

    I know this doesn’t trump your twat story. I don’t think anything ever could!

  • Too funny. You may never learn how to be confortable exercising in front of a crowd but it sounds like some people in the “crowd” sure have gotten comfortable! Hilarious. πŸ™‚

    I have exercised solo for years now, mainly due to athletic incontinence (huh hmm) and also because I’d have to get a whole new workout wardrobe. There’s no way I can be seen in public with what I wear at home. Not booty shorts, just old and worn.

  • Thanks for the laugh. I wandered over from the menopausal mama’s blog. Glad I did. I mean, how can I help but love someone whose sense of humor is nearly as inappropriate as mine? I’ve never tried yoga, but it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Not just because of my age, but I’m almost certain all that twisting and holding would make me fart. Not the best way in the world to make friends.

    Count me in as your newest groupie. Guess I have to follow you via email, eh? Okeydoke. Sobeit.

  • As a typical A-Type, I applaud the push and the bush. I would have wanted to tell her, but would have wanted it as my own ‘secret’ joke that I told everyone.
    Reading that back, I am not surprised that my husband calls me a bully.

  • If there’s no room for humor in yoga, you can count me out too. That and the fact that I’m not a tiny bit bendy at all and would probably fall down a lot.

    I’m also really worried about farting loudly in class. I do spin classes instead, loud music, high energy.

    In spin, nobody can hear you fart.

  • Oh gawd, I loved this post and thread.
    Yes, you DO fart in Yoga. I lived to tell about it. You might also get suspected of farting when it wasn’t even you.
    My DIL’s Mom and I took Zumba together. We accidentally signed up for an intermediate course with an exuberant teacher. I literally thought I would die, but it was pricey, so I stuck it out.
    I decided to stick to Yoga.
    I think if your friend laughed when you pushed her over, the Yoga teacher should have lightened up. geez.
    Sadly, I always think I can commit myself to Yoga in my own home. It doesn’t happen.
    I have a bit of a phobia about commitment to ANY exercise class, but Yoga works for me. Even though I dread it, I always feel tons better afterwards, and I can fart as much as I want on the drive home.

  • Your co-worker should be more careful. As a “nuisance beaver” she could be trapped and relocated to the headwaters of a river in Washington state, or as they did in the ’40s, parachuted into Utah.

  • I am not bendy and I have tried yoga and it was so pathetic. You on the other hand are hilarious and the yoga instructor needs a little more namaste in her life. Twat shots are never a good idea unless you are going for the money shot and really, who needs to see that in a yoga studio?

  • Love your sense of humour – pity the yoga instructor didn’t – her life would be a lot nicer if she did !!!!
    I used to do a weekly yoga class with K – she is way more bendy than me so there were times I wanted to punch her because she’s the child and shouldn’t be better than me at anything – except maybe running, because I’m slow when I run !!
    Have the best Friday when it gets to you xox

  • Thanks for the laugh this morning. My issue with exercising in public is trying to keep my post-csection sharpei belly from popping out. I spend more time adjusting my shirt than anything.

    And I totally would have pushed her over, too.

  • I only do yoga home alone, at night, with the curtains closed. Only the dog may watch (she sometimes offers to help with my balance). In fact, my preferred method of yoga-ing is internally raging at whoever the instructor on the DVD is. Lots of mental profanity, since I’m breathing to hard to yell it. Very cleansing.

  • Hilarious. I feel as though we could have a long, extensive conversation over coffee…scratch that, wine, over gym and yoga incidents. ‘Crow’ position and my face hitting the ground come to mind…and I wouldn’t describe it as a ‘humbling’ experience. Cheers!

  • A “twat shot”? I just spit out my coffee all over my steering wheel ( not driving, I was parked). The only thing worse would be seeing a guy’s nutsack or having his one eyed trouser snake starring at you.

  • We have a weekly yoga class every week after work. For some reason, if I get hot during yoga — or if I’m doing a pose where my head is lower than the rest of me — I get nauseous. I’ve never actually ralphed during class, but it feels close. When this happens, I have to stop and go into child’s pose (if I’m not feeling like I might spew immediately) or into corpse pose (if I’m feeling worse). Sometimes I’m in corpse pose so long I fall asleep. I don’t think I’m very good at yoga.

  • You know, I’m fairly sure that it takes a lot for a person to get kicked out of a yoga class..all that peace and love. But you almost managed. I don’t think I’d want to go back anyway with vaginas flying all over the place and all. That’s scarring.

By Michelle

Michelle

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