Randy and I were talking recently about how celebrities get trashed on social media. They get trashed for the size of their ass or for adopting a baby. They get trashed for giving away money or for making money. No matter how good their intentions might be, there is going to be a lot of bitter people who will rip them to shreds just for existing. I said “You know, if Jesus returned to earth and got a Twitter account, he’d get trashed, too.” Then, I wrote this.
Randy is concerned people won’t understand that it is satire and a commentary on how horrible people can be on social media. But I think you guys can handle it.
After gaining nearly a billion followers, Jesus Christ announced the deletion of His verified Twitter account that He created soon after His return to earth 4 months ago. He created His Twitter account after becoming disillusioned with Facebook and Instagram. “When I joined Twitter, My biggest worry was that My twitter handle wouldn’t be clever enough.”
@HeyZeusOG has since learned that Twitter can be a vicious place, even for the Son of God.
Jesus says, “I’ve actually been crucified and that was less painful than the way I’ve been treated on social media. Particularly, Twitter. I am
going to step away. I just don’t need this negativity in my life right now. One person fat shamed me by pointing out I lost the six pack I had when I was on the cross. Then, they said I’m eating too many Eucharists. The Eucharist is the body of Christ. That doesn’t even make sense. Why would I eat myself? Also, my middle name isn’t Harold.”
Jesus Christ turned away from modern technology and back to his roots. He can be found in Appalachia building rustic furniture and performing the occasional miracle, such as resurrections, turning water into small batch craft wine, and walking on water.
Quality furniture and miracles don’t satisfy some people on social media. Even the King of Kings gets judged, ridiculed, and bizarrely threatened.
The following is a sampling of the tweets that cast Jesus from Twitter:
LOL @HeyZeusOG, my neighbor had your “water to wine” and he says to keep your day job. #WineFraud
What do you call @HeyZeusOG masturbating? Jesus Fucking Christ. #Funny
It’s awesome that @HeyZeusOG can walk on water, but why isn’t he doing anything about depression in dolphins? #JCHatesDolphins
How does @HeyZeusOG have ANY credibility? He’s been gone for millennia. Do we KNOW what happened to Mary Magdalene? #WeDeserveAnswers
Is it just me, or does @HeyZeusOG always look like he is waiting for someone to smack the smug off his face? #SomeonePleasePunchThisAsshole
Maybe, if @HeyZeusOG concentrated on eliminating threats instead of bringing people back, we’d be safe #AreYouResurrectingTheNextHitler?
I mean, I guess it’s nice that he’s back and all, but tbh, I find @HeyZeusOG kind of meh #CouldHaveHadAV8
He’s just rubbing it in our face. He’s destroying Christianity. Fuck @HeyZeusOG #MakeChristianityWhiteAgain
You know that sooner or later @HeyZeusOG is gonna end up on Dancing With The Stars #SoonToBeHasBeen
I mean this in the nicest possible way @HeyZeusOG, but either get a pedicure or stop wearing sandals. #GnarlyToes
I would say “kill it with fire” but your daddy would just bring you back again, wouldn’t he, @HeyZeusOG? #Pussy
#Fakenews did a job on Pontius Pilate. I’m not saying @HeyZeusOG deserved to be crucified, but you know he’s hiding something.
I feel sorry for @HeyZeusOG. He thinks he’s still relevant. LOL. #ShouldHaveStayedOnTheCross
I feel like @HeyZeusOG’s loaves and fish miracle is insensitive to #vegans. #FishAreOurFriendsNotFood
I was at a party with @HeyZeusOG once and he double dipped the guacamole. #NastyMotherfucker
Poor @HeyZeusOG didn’t get the attention he wanted and now he’s hiding. #TheOriginalSnowflake
I can’t get birth control through my insurance, but you can bet your ass that stigmata gets covered. Privilege much, @HeyZeusOG? #JCisThePatriarchy
Jesus Christ has decided that instead of Twitter, he’s going to clean up and organize his Pinterest board. Jesus says “Right now, my Pinterest board is nothing but different banana nut recipes and memes with Norman Reedus in them.”
He also wants to reassure everyone that he is not leaving earth again, just most social media. He also would like to remind everyone that he is now taking orders for Adirondack chairs.
Wow! Michelle this is a classic. Way to hit it out of the ballpark! Perfect parody of our times.
Thank you!!!
This is really good, and hardly an exaggeration. Well, the part about Jesus being on twitter is, but the part about what the reaction would be? Not so much. If anything, you UNDERestimated some of the tweets at him. There was no “Just go die again. #StayGoneThisTime” or flat out cussing him out.
People are horrible on twitter. It really brings out the worst in people. Even a couple celebrities I like (and older celebrities at that) appear to spend their entire day cussing out the President (who is, I grant you, horrible). I mean, 40 tweets a day cussing out someone who is not reading their tweets (well, okay, he MIGHT be reading their tweets…).
This is exactly right, and I liked it a lot.
Thank you! It was actually fun to write.
The crass, ignorant and just plain fucked up commenting on social media reveals all that I never wanted to know about humanity.
Are people like this in real life now too? I’ve gone deaf since the advent of social media, so miss a lot. I guess I’m happy about that.
This post is spot on fab.
I think they are like this when they are anonymous. It’s truly disturbing.
*bows low before greatness*
I am your humble servant.
Haha! Thank you!
Brilliant and biting!
Thank you!!
Absolutely fantastic! As horrifying as it is i believe that is exactly as “humans” would behave. You are hilarious!
Thank you so so much!!
“My middle name is not Harold”…
Haha..holy shit..that was my favorite line.
Holy mackerel. I mean…I’m going to add to the chorus telling you how fantastic this is and I’m also gonna confess that I did laugh at “What do you call @HeyZeusOG masturbating? Jesus Fucking Christ.” But, hey, if there’s a Hell I’ve already earned a place in it at least a hundred times over, so when I get there I can show this to Mark Twain and he’ll laugh his ass off.
In the meantime I’ve kind of dropped off Twitter myself, although I occasionally glance at it and it’s nice to see a few tweets from good people who just want to share jokes or keep in touch, and now I think I should set up a Pinterest account. I hear there’s a nice guy who makes pretty good banana nut bread and I want to encourage him to keep it up.
Okay THAT one..the masturbating one? That was Joey’s contribution when we were sitting around talking about mean tweets. I thought it was hysterical. haha. And thank you! 🙂
This is everything. Hahahaahahahaha
YAY!!!!
I always thought his middle name was Harvey. Live and learn.
(Funny post). Kind of makes me glad that I could never afford a smart phone or service, so I’ve been spared most of the vitriol. Unfortunately, I also can’t use Uber.
I have never used Uber, either…but I could. And you are probably better off NOT seeing all the bullshit.
Shared this post with husband because I knew he would appreciate the humour in it. “My middle name is not Harold.” That is going to be a Michelle Classic. I don’t have a Twitter account but I hear enough of what is posted on it through mainstream media.
Haha..that was my favorite line.
Hilarious and on point!
I was just wondering today if #45 was going to ruin Twitter. I have a bad taste in my mouth about Twitter since that is his main venue of communication. Kind of like if he uses it, it can’t be good.
I can’t wait until twitter isn’t all trump all the time. It is nauseating.
Fucking hilarious! And how sad is it that I could see all of those tweets happening. I will admit though I would have probably been part of the problem. Not with negative tweets but with like hourly begging tweets to please make the orange asshole in the White House and his underlings go away.
Oh, yes..those tweets would fit in..I’ve seen some horrible ones.
Absolutely FUCKING awesome.
Thank you so much!!!!
Just imagine if Jesus came back as a woman and what tweets female Jesus would receive.
Ohhhh..that would be bad.
Please write this. Please write this. Michelle, this is wonderful.
Haha…Randy’s head would pop off.
I agree with Jesus. Pinterest is so much tamer. Twitter is a jungle but thank goodness we miss most of the tweets. I wish a certain someone else would abandon his Twitter account but it doesn’t seem likely.
No..no it does not. We can dream, though.
Jesus Henry Christ, that’s fantastic!!
Hahaha..thank you!!! (I don’t think his middle name is Henry, either)
Maybe it’s Jesus Hitler Christ?
HAHAHAH…OMFG..you are so going to hell. I’ll save you a seat.
I don’t have a Twitter account, but I read Princess Sparkle Pony’s and Paul Krugman’s feeds daily, Paul because I try to read all of his stuff, and PSP because he doesn’t blog any more and Twitter is the only way to read anything he writes.
I was under the impression that JC’s middle name was Howard…
“Honey, what are you doing?”
“Trolling our Lord and Savior on Twitter, dear.”
Fabulous writing, Michelle, thank you very much.
Hahaha..Howard. Maybe that IS his middle name. And thank you!
I love twitter..it’s just overrun with all trump all the time now..I would like for it to be what it used to be. Sooner or later. I hope.
No, it’s Hallowed. As in Hallowed by thy name.
At least according to Christopher Moore in his book “Lamb: the Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal “
good old Biff.
Nailed it! You deserve a week with your mountain friends!
I kind of need that. Or at least a weekend. And thank you!
Posted to FB. I love it, most of my friends will too. I WILL be in trouble with a few though and sure hope hubby reads it before he reposts LOL
Well, I hope you don’t get into TOO much trouble. 🙂
Thank you!
I don’t get to say this often, but you’re wrong, Randy.
Also, anyone who doesn’t get this should already have been banned from the internet, because there is just so much out there that’s gonna break their fragile little brains… just direct any complaints to Reddit.
Hahaah! Randy just worries about me. He’s more concerned about people being mean to me than I am. And yes..people can be easily upset, but that’s on them.
Oh, Michelle, that is your best ever! The more I read it, the more I could truly believe this could happen. Nothing is truly sacred. I can just see some asshole calling my Lord and Savior a Mother Fucker or a pussy. How sad it that? What has our society become? And why do I think it is so damn funny, I guess I am going to join Snarkfest in hell.
I will save you a seat as well…this is turning into a party!!
Well, Michelle, I laughed, I cried, I got depressed, I had a drink. Social media spares no one, especially not that idiotic bleeding-heart fucking commie libtard that preaches silly things like Peace, Love and all that other hippie shit. Ugliness abounds and there’s no end in sight. It’s important we take our laughs where we can get them. Thanks, Michelle, you nailed it.
Thank you, Jane! Yeah, life is exhausting these days..
So glad he has his priorities right and is going to clean up his pinterest board. I forget that I have one and should get right to it because WWJD.
Wait this is satire? No!!!!!
Hahahaah…why the fuck didn’t I work in WWJD in this?
This is exactly like “people” would respond, so true.
So glad it’s totally hilarious otherwise it would be depressing!!!
However, the one about the feet is probably true, let’s be honest.
Feet CAN be really gross. I do not exclude myself.
Best thing I have read all day!
OMG thank you so much!!
brilliant!
XOXO
As a Christian, and I find this hilarious!
As a non-celebrity (so not subject to Twitter insults) I would probably delete my fb to fix my pinterest, not delete my twitter!
I appreciate this! My intention was not to offend anyone, but I knew it might.
This is really prophetic. I can’t understand how anyone famous has a Twitter account when I see the shitty things that random strangers say to them. I’m not even famous and some jerk called me a “dishonest mongrel” because he didn’t like something I said. I don’t know how other people deal with the constant barrage of hate.
I have been called so many things. Not a LOT on twitter, some..mostly in facebook comments are comments on articles published outside my blog
I can totally relate to JC after the week of trolls I’ve had. I feel ya, Jesus.
Hilarious.
People are the worst.
This was absolutely perfect, Michelle! And reminded me of that great pre-social media Kris Kristofferson song, “Jesus Was a Capricorn:”
Jesus was a Capricorn
He ate organic food
He believed in love and peace
And never wore no shoes
Long hair, beard and sandals
And a funky bunch of friends
Reckon we’d just nail him up
If he came down again
‘Cause everybody’s gotta have somebody to look down on
Who they can feel better than at any time they please
Someone doin’ somethin’ dirty decent folks can frown on
If you can’t find nobody else, then help yourself to me
Eggheads cussing rednecks cussing
Hippies for their hair
Others laugh at straights who laugh at
Freaks who laugh at squares
Some folks hate the Whites
Who hate the Blacks who hate the Klan
Most of us hate anything that
We don’t understand
‘Cause everybody’s gotta have somebody to look down on
Who they can feel better than at any time they please
Someone doin’ somethin’ dirty decent folks can frown on
If you can’t find nobody else, then help yourself to me.
Perfect!
This is pure comedic gold, Michelle! I’m Christian and am not offended in the least since it’s mainly about the trolls. I don’t think Randy needs to worry about you. I’d love to see a twitter feud between some of those old white men in Washington who want to do things like take healthcare away, and funnel all the money to the 1% who don’t need it. Can you imagine the tantrum 45 would have if Jesus disagreed with him? He’d probably threaten to nuke heaven. My favorite line was #MakeJesusWhiteAgain.
Thanks for the laugh! xo
Thank you so much!! Yes, I am sure the orange nightmare would declare himself more powerful than Jesus.
OMFG! Funny.
Thank you!!!
OMG. Too funny.
I am speechless but you, my dear, are a god(dess)
Love. It!
Thank you!
lordy this is brilliant! my favourite: jesus fucking christ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Thank you!!!!