Junk Mail Is Trying To Make Me Feel Bad


Apparently, it’s jeans with elastic waistbands and mobility carts from here on out.

At least, that’s the truth according to my junk mail.

My birthday is just a few days away. I think the postal service wants me to give up.

Fifty three? Holy shit, that’s really old and lets be honest here, it’s not like you’ve taken great care of yourself. Here, let me help. First, here’s an ad for some comfy jeans. Buy these elastic waistband jeans and then maybe check out that cake batter ice cream Ben and Jerry’s has out.

Also, walking? Way too much effort. Wouldn’t you like a scooter? Remember when you were little and you saw a little kid riding around in a car that wasn’t self-propelled? Even then, you knew that wasn’t your life. You didn’t get a fancy car. You had a wagon and a pogo stick. You didn’t get the Barbie dream house or the Barbie convertible. You pitched Barbie a tent out of dish towels and she drove an empty tissue box. Isn’t it your turn? Here. Here is an ad for a mobility cart. Look how happy the lady on the brochure looks! Don’t you want to be happy?

It has taken so long, but we’re getting back to normal. Poor Randy had a drainage tube and bag attached to his person for over a month. He got that out last week. We’re still shell shocked from the events of this year and trying to remember what “normal” is for us.

I know I’ve been more tired than ever. I know my anxiety has been working overtime. Like right now, it’s whispering about “normal” to me. It’s reminding me that my baby boy will be graduating high school and that we’re going to have to redefine “normal” in such a big way. I don’t want to think about that now. I just want to breathe again.

Then, I see the junk mail I’m getting. Holy shit, you guys, it’d be depressing if it weren’t so hilarious. I get junk mail for hearing aids, medical supply outlets, Life Alert, and AARP.

I wish I had saved all my junk mail. Or at least a few pieces from each year. You’d be able to map my life. I could make a collage from it. You’d see pictures of girls in bikinis and roller blades and dance clubs. Then the junk mail changes and it’s all baby and kid stuff all the time for about 10 years. So that’s 20 pictures of strollers, pack n plays, and breast feeding bras. Then the kid related junk mail will start to taper off. No one will notice that, though. First, because the house is a mess and all three kids have an event to attend. So what if you don’t get breast pump ads any more? Then, the cruise ship ads will start. You find yourself getting inundated from cruise ship mail.

It’s like when the owls from Hogwart’s that brought Harry’s acceptance letter to the Dursley’s house, except it’s cruise ship junk mail and there are no owls.

Next in the collage of a lifetime of junk mail, you will see aging TV personalities smiling at you while pointing to a sign that says “No exam!” and for only 14.99 you can protect your loved ones after you die. Which isn’t that far away because have you seen the other mail you get? Mobility carts and stretch jeans.

I think I’ll call my mother today and ask her what kind of junk mail she gets. I bet it’s nothing but retirement villages and cemeteries for her.

Damn, postal service, that’s some cold shit right there. I mean, maybe you could change things up a bit every once in a while. Send some pictures of half naked men or recipes for cookies that taste like they’ve been made by baby angels riding on unicorns.

I don’t care what my mail says. I haven’t felt like a “different” age for many years. I mean, I’ve changed over the years, but I don’t feel like I’m getting old in my head. I feel the same. Age is meaningless in my head. The rest of me? Yeah, it’s starting to make a difference.

Perhaps the gift I will give myself for my birthday will be to re-acquaint myself with my treadmill. The stretch jeans and mobility carts can go fuck themselves.



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  • Ha, the targeted junk mail I get tends to be online these days but just as offensive.
    I think my two personal favourites so far were for Senior Dating (for people over 40 as that obviously qualifies us as senior to the spotty faced herbert who came up with that one) and a Google one which bore the title ‘Ageing Sax player?’ Well gee thanks.

    When I start getting ads for Saga Holidays, tartan car rugs, incontinence pants and the Big Slipper I will know that life is over!

  • I get the AARP and insurance junk mail but that’s it. I was looking for insurance and once you let them boogers know it you get a flood. I was able to get a decent price though. It’s not through AARP either. I’m unsure if they’d provide me any benefit.

    Meanwhile I’m cruising, unworried about my mail. I get medicine via mail but that’s all I care about. I’d like to see Harley ads but no. WTF? It may be an age thing but I do want a Harley, even an old one. From the sounds of it around here if I brought a Harley home it’s ALL be over. Lets see how that would work seeing as I’m the income here. I’ll never find out. My right wrist is fubar.

    Oh crap. I guess we go rolling in our old person’s Cadillac. Give me car ads, FFS. I’ll read those. Thinking about a Mercedes when our lease runs out. Rambling on. Bye for now.

  • I have been getting AARP shit since I was about 25. At first I was like, “WTF” but now at 36 I’m all, “Wait, if I use this card I can get what? Discount what?”

    • Dude..you were all caught up in my spam folder. what the fuck? Stupid spam folder, it should know you by now.

      I got Randy a membership when he turned 50 just to be a dick. The savings weren’t that great.

  • Too funny and spot on. Except you really should try a pair of stretch jeans. Damn they are comfy. I told myself it’s okay to have a pair or two, just like it’s okay to have sweatpants, as long as you don’t wear them to work. Then I wore them to work and that was no big deal. Now there is no going back for me. So on second thought, try at your own risk.

  • Totally on point. After someone stole our identity and kept us from receiving 2015 Federal income tax return I am so adamant about tearing off address before recycling…. And it gets piled up and I hate it!

  • I work with the elderly. I see what’s ahead and some days it freaks me out, other days it makes me feel like I could compete in the Olympics. I’m now with a client who will soon turn 93. Her oldest child just turned 73 and that’s blowing my client’s mind. She keeps saying: I have a daughter who’s 73!!! We never get over ageing. Tomorrow I’ll turn 53. If you can get outta bed and take care of yourself, you’re okay. Especially if you own yoga pants. Happy Birthday to us, M!

  • I like the button in my email that says, “For this sender delete and block future emails.”
    I’m with Judy on the identity theft prevention. I have a box of ‘have to burn’ because I don’t have a shredder.
    And, like Troll, I made the mistake of researching insurance online. That got me emailed and snail mailed!
    But, my favorite are the credit card offers as soon as you get one paid off.
    AAArrgghhhh!! Those are the hard ones to resist, especially when your ‘goin’ to town’ sweats have coffee stains on them and you are entertaining notions of pants that zip and button.
    Silly notions. Where’s my junk mail for a housework fairy and a yard maintenance gnome?
    I would definitely request more information on those! But, I’d probably set myself up for the Unicorn ‘Money from home’ employment opportunity mailings.
    Happy Birthday, Rage-M :):)
    Happy ‘no holes in my belly’ day, Randy!!
    Good Morning, Terri Lee πŸ™‚

  • My mail these days is almost exclusively from universities wanting to woo Precocious Daughter (although no one is offering to pay her way just yet, so into the trash they go). My Facebook sidebar ads are a steady of stream of “Mature Singles Want to Meet You.” As if I want to meet somebody mature. Pffft.

  • There truly is someone watching your every move these days, even if it’s indirectly. I wrote and posted my husband’s obituary to the web site of the funeral home who handled his cremation. Suddenly, I began getting spam every day in my email for pre-planned funeral arrangements for myself, adult diapers and assisted living facilities! WTF? I deleted and blocked it all. Although, until I can get my new washing machine installed, the adult diapers COULD actually come in handy if I run out of underwear! Shit and piss yourself and then toss it. Voila! No more pesky laundry! HAHAHA!

    Wait until the day comes when you sign up for Medicare! Holy crap, when Paul did that at 65, his junk mail turned into scooters, senior daycare centers—haha! I would threaten to sign him up for the art classes!—funeral pre-planning and a lifetime supply of free catheters! That’s another potentially money-saving offer! You can cut the catheters into pieces and save a lot of money on straws! My mind always works overtime. I’m trying to channel the anxiety into a more constructive direction! πŸ™‚ So far, I’m still getting junk mail for fitness centers and retirement investing. I’ll take that ANY day over burial plots and assisted-living facilities. Okay, now that I think about it, I have seen an uptick in those clothing catalogs for “mature women”. Everything has elastic waists, like you said, or velcro closures! And all the shoes have thick, rubber soles or “sensible” heels. Whether the rubber soles can withstand hell, however, is not really elaborated on in these catalogs. HAHA!

    And good morning to you, Madame Lisa! I wish you and Rage-M were here to share the absolutely gorgeous, sunny South Florida day that we are having. It’s the kind of day you see on the postcards tourists send during their winter vacations here. Shit, we could ride for miles on our scooters or our adult tricycles! πŸ˜€

  • Florida sunshine in a sidecar πŸ™‚
    By the time I decide on the scooter, I’m gonna need a driver, so side car me up …
    Enjoy this beautiful day.
    (Just go naked and squat. Save even more on toilet paper and water πŸ™‚
    Shit. Just thought about the drones. Wonder if they will be flying over houses to be able to target stuff like lawn fertilizers and outdoor bathrooms…

    • I never think about drones! OMG, you’re right! We’d better make sure we’ve got our tutus and tiaras on when we’re flipping it the bird as we’re scootering! (Or sidecar-ing! HAHA!)

  • The gift you need to give yourself is a little sign by your mail slot that says “NO JUNK MAIL” I did that and now I can live in my little 19yearoldbubble (the resides in my 60 year old body).

    Of course if you did that you wouldn’t have such great fodder for your blog.
    So there’s that.

    Glad to hear Randy is tubeless!!!

    And happy birthday – You are gonna rock 53 – comfy jeans and all!

    • I used to get junk mail addressed to “rent my afterlife” and I thought that was pretty cool. I tried to rent my afterlife on Craigslist, but I didn’t get any takers.

  • Happy birthday Michelle! I don’t get any junk mail, my mail tends to be from social security and Medi-Cal. I also don’t have a personal address that they can track me to. That’s changing now, and I’ll have to be careful that they don’t start bugging me. I stopped signing online petitions in 2010 after Credo action sent me some paper mail.

  • My favorite ad targeting the “mature” woman right now is the one on Facebook about makeup for women over 50. As far as I could see, the advice was pretty much to not wear any. How gullible do they think we are? I suspect it was started by a younger woman feeling threatened by all the smart, independent, hot women over 50!

  • So–here’s a voice from The Other Side of Sixty. You feel the same inside; it’s just your externals that are changing? That’s the problem. That doesn’t stop. Or maybe it’s not a problem. Maybe it’s the blessing: you feel the same but your body stops you from getting into trouble.

  • What a relief to have the drainage apparatus out! My junk email knows I am in dental hell so I am getting many dental related offers. I think they are good for any age once someone searches dental issues, or at least I am telling myself that!

  • Gosh you guys get semi-personalised junk mail ??????????? Thank goodness, now that we live in the boonies we don’t get junk mail anymore – nobody can be bothered to deliver this far out of town !!!!
    My husband and my Mom are devastated – they both love junk mail. I sometimes wonder how I can possibly be married to one and related to the other with the amount of love they have for junk mail !! But here everyone gets the same junk mail and you are likely to get junk mail for feeding bras in the same batch as mobility scooters and hearing aids !!!
    YAY for no more drain – I know what that feeling is like.
    Take care and have the best Sunday evening xox

  • I wonder if that’s really true! I know I’ll be checking mine out. This was hilarious Michelle and should definitely be pitched to someone else! I’m glad Randy is getting better and you can get back to (I won’t say normal because that’s just boring as shit). You need to relax by going back to that tank full of water relaxation thing you did last year!

    • I DO need to go back and funny you should say this because Randy already picked it apart and wants me to rework to submit somewhere. I guess you both saw something else in it. haha.

  • I signed up for AARP when I turned 50 (I am another commenter on the “other side” of 60) and it was great for the discounts. But they also keep the post office afloat with all their solicitations. At least, if our heat goes out, I have a ready source of starter paper for my non-existent fireplace. It’s funny how their magazine preaches that seniors are really young, but then you see the ads for..yup, just like everyone above mentions. And let’s not forget the “men who need help in their love lives” category, too. But my comfy stretch waist pants? I’ve been wearing them for years, and I love them. Stretch jeans rock, too. I’d be a size larger without them.

  • YEP. ALL THE TRUTH! My father in law, husband, and son all have the same first name so that’s three Wayne Kigers in the world, which only increases the multigenerational mail craziness. The miracle of it all is that the mail gets to us at all. Can I tell you how many pieces of legit snail mail I have sent to people that took aeons (sp?) to arrive? πŸ™‚

  • Any day now, you’ll get a call from someone attempting to scam you out of your retirement money. Please promise me NOW you’ll take the call, relentlessly torment the scammer and report back.

    Bonus points if you frazzle them enough to make them drop their faux identity and say something not becoming a “real” IRS agent, or whatever they claim to be.

    Okay? Promise.

  • If you get a scooter then Randy will also want a scooter and you’ll either be fighting over the one scooter, or both have them and be fighting over the scooter charger (if they’re anything like goddamn phone chargers).

  • I’ll be 65 this week. Depends and other more discreet incontinent remedies. Oh, and Butterflies for anal leakage. I don’t need either, but now I know what’s in the offing.

    I long for the days when I wondered what Olay’s seven signs of aging were.

  • I could be your mother and all I could think when I read this was that I am so sorry that you have to endure this junk mail hell. There have been so many times that we received mail that made me want to say JUST SHOOT ME NOW!

    But believe it or not, at the age of 74 the junk as stopped coming…either that or my husband throws it away before I see it. I suppose he is tired of me screaming in the night!

    Be well and don’t stop making us laugh.


    • Haha…he might be throwing it away!

      Thank you so much! And I will try to keep making you laugh. Every single time I write something that I think is kind of funny, I think…well..that was it. Last one. You will never be funny again.

  • Almost all the junk mail I get is addressed to “Resident” so I feel like I’m really flying under the radar, although most of it is coupons for pizza and fast food places so I feel like “Resident” and I are really simpatico.
    I did once get a catalog for men’s underwear that was clearly targeted at men who enjoy getting other men out of their underwear. With every page I was making witty remarks like, “Hey, I can tell what religion he is” and “Does he need a concealed carry license for that thing?” and “Holy shit that guy’s penis is huge.”
    It wasn’t my style but I wish I’d bought something just to see what other kinds of free porn junk mail I’d get.

  • My son, Mica, used to get beauty pageant applications all the time when he was in high school…We all thought that was hilarious–he almost applied for one once πŸ™‚

    My junk mail is all bills, all the time…. *sigh* THAT’s more depressing than getting old (my baby is 13…how the hell did THAT happen???)

  • I was scheduling a doctor’s appointment for an 85-year-old woman today, who mentioned to me that the doctor was a β€œlooker” and that she loved looking at good-looking men. It was kind of a comfort to know – but looking and doing good looking men are two different things – and what good is one without the other? But to answer your question, yes, we should totally be getting pictures of hot looking guys in our mail.

  • Interesting to see what others get for junkmail and what they think of it. The latest trash we received was for n extended warranty on or Cadillac the COMES with a for year bumper to bumper warranty. Screw that and screw them. I did buy life insurance on myself. That way my wife can throw a good party and build a monument for me in the back yard all the while discharging my meager debts.

    She’s more responsible than that.

    Insurance, wheeled carts (why can’y there be discounted Segways?). warranties I don’t need and two credit cards, both of which I pay online.

    Maybe at almost 60 I’m thought to be not long for this Earth. I’d like to see a firm prediction for it from a reputable source and bet like crazy in Nevada. Meanwhile I sit here watching the dust settle and the cobwebs grow until I get tired of that and clean it all up only to watch it again.

  • I love the idea of putting junk mail from one pest into another’s postage-paid envelope. That’s going to be fun!
    My bank is selling life insurance now; NRA is hawking identity theft protection. I won a free cruise on the telephone, but my hearing test and artery scans are way overdue. Curse you, junk mail! P.S. I know I’m not mature yet, though, because I still want to vote for the cutest candidate, no matter what his qualifications. Oh, Marco…..

  • Just before my 37th birthday I received an application from The Scooter Store. Then just before my 38th I got one for a retirement community that stated “meet your future neighbors” and the only thought I had was “I hope they’re all dead by the time I get there”

By Michelle


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