Just Why?


I know it’s been a minute.

Still struggling with anxiety and considering another ketamine treatment.

I am getting through my days and still trying to live a life that extends beyond my cubicle and my bed.

For instance, tonight I am taking the 12 year old granddaughter to a concert to see an artist she is very excited about. I am not so much excited to see the show, but I am excited to see her happy. I just hope the heat isn’t too bad. I’m getting crankier and crankier in my golden years.

Randy and I went to Tennessee early this month to celebrate birthdays. We didn’t stay in our usual cabin on the mountain. Our friends, Lizzie and Ruel, had other house guests who didn’t have a vehicle, and we stayed in a hotel in town.

So, this hotel is a lovely old building. The rooms were beautiful and the bed was comfy.

We had a few issues though.

First, when we checked in, the lady at the desk gave me a parking pass to put in our windshield. I asked Randy to take our bag up to the room and I would run back out to the car to deal with the parking pass.

You guys, I was gone for about a minute. One minute.

I get up to the third floor and Randy is standing outside the room.

Me: Dude?

Randy: I locked us out.

Randy had shoved a few cold beers in our suitcase when we left our friend’s cabin and didn’t zip the suitcase shut. When he unlocked the door, the suitcase fell on its side. The beers rolled out and down the hall. Randy shoved everything, including the room key, into the room and went to retrieve the wayward beers. The door shut behind him.

So, I went to the front desk to get another key.

We successfully entered our hotel room and I went into the bathroom.

I’ve literally never seen anything like this in a hotel. I mean, in a daycare? Sure. But not a hotel.low to the ground toilet

The toilet was toddler sized. It was the dinkiest toilet ever. And when I tell you there wasn’t enough space between the seat and the water, I mean it. There were incidents.

First, I had to pee really bad. I am a short person and I felt like Shaquille O’Neill on that toilet. My knees were almost even with my shoulders.

Which is a total exaggeration, but it felt like it.

What isn’t an exaggeration is what I did next, which as I was finishing up as one does, I shoved my hand directly into pee water. Like full on splash.

I washed my hands in hot water for about an hour then went out to tell Randy about the fucked up situation in the bathroom.

Turns out, Randy’s issues were worse than mine.

When he came out the bathroom, his head was hanging a little low. He looked like a sad toddler.

Randy: My balls went in the water.




There is a lovely restaurant in the hotel, Randy and I met Lizzie and Ruel and two of their guests for dinner. I loved meeting Lizzie’s friends, a mother and daughter. One spoke nearly no English and the other spoke wonderful English, but as a second language.

At one point, Lizzie looked down the table and noticed Randy and Ruel turning purple while obviously containing laughter. She leaned over to me and asked what was happening to our husbands. I assumed Randy had just told Ruel about the ball dunking incident.

I quietly told Lizzie what happened. Her laugh got everyone’s attention. At this point, we had no choice but to tell the story to the other guests. I told the daughter what happened and she cracked up. Then she translated for her mom and her mother cracked up.

I mean, I know it wasn’t comfortable for Randy, but the story just brought so much joy.

The next morning, we decided to go to this diner across the street from our hotel for breakfast. What isn’t to love about a decades old diner in the Smokey Mountains?

Our server was a young woman who was obviously quite unhappy with another server. I’m pretty sure they were all from the same family.

Randy was ecstatic to order a fried bologna biscuit. The weirdo.

I told Randy to leave our server an extra big tip since she seemed to be having a rough morning and thought it might cheer her up. We picked up our bill and made our way to the register.

There wasn’t a total or prices on the bill, just what we ordered and the girl behind the register was struggling. She finally looked over her shoulder at the woman working the grill “Momma! I don’t know what this is.”

The older woman came over and looked at the bill, then asked us what we ordered. Randy told her and they rang us up.

As we were walking out, I heard the older woman tell the younger woman “She just didn’t know how to spell bologna.”

So what happened next? I will tell you. What was next was a crazy ass couple in their sixties walking down a street in downtown Greeneville, TN singing “Oscar Mayer has a way with B O L O G N A.”

Sorry it’s been a while, but I am super happy to be here today sharing this story about my husband’s testicles. Also, I am always going to wonder why. Why on earth did that hotel install daycare sized toilets in their rooms?

I hope you all are well.

I have a big trip coming up. I will tell you about it when I get back. My mom and I are meeting my sons in Hawaii. We’ve never been. We’re nervous, excited and really hoping for no bizarre toilet issues.

Full disclosure. I had to sing the Oscar Mayer song in my head every time to get bologna spelled correctly. 



17 Thoughts.

  1. TOTALLY with you on the Oscar Mayer spelling song. Same goes for spelling encyclopedia- learned it from the talking grasshopper on The Wonderful World of Disney- WAY back in the day (I’m 67). Funny how some things never leave your brain, and yet I can’t remember what I ate for supper last night. Go figure…

  2. Probably the front desk should have been advised about the water level in the tiny toilet. Unless they save that room for one with small children and just ran out of ‘grown-up’ hotel rooms.
    And I’ll bet that there’s no one over a certain age in America that doesn’t have that Oscar Mayer song going through their mine when writing or saying Bologna.

  3. Somehow you surround yourself with the best people. Wait, that sounds like it’s an accident but it’s not. You do it because you’re a fun, nice person yourself. I kept meaning to get back to something you said to me replying to your last post about how you’ve got a community here, and it’s because of you that this community has formed.
    Anyway I was expecting Randy to be talking about something other than the ball dunking incident and that you, er, spilled the story. But it’s okay it didn’t turn out that way. What matters is you had a good time.
    Except I’ve got the fucking Oscar Mayer song in my head now. Thanks for that.

  4. I am imagining a scenario when they needed a toilet ASAP and Mr Haney (Green Acres) said he had one in is truck for cheap. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  5. Some goddamn Republicans sell toilets especially for men who are scared of dunking their junk. Personally, I think it’s a scam, trying to appeal to men who have outsized conceptions of how large their genitalia are. Have you voted on the August election yet? They are trying to screw you again, as the great Molly Ivins used to say. Have fun in Hawaii, I’ve never been, but some of my favorite people live there. Pat Simmons of the Doobie Brothers, and if I remember correctly, Todd Rundgren. Oh. and if you happen to see Barack Obama’s birth certificate lying around, just leave it. Were far beyond that in the crazy now.
    If you go for more ketamine, good luck, and may you be feeling much better very soon.

    • We have not voted yet, but we are this week. Yeah..they are trying to screw us again. It’s fucked up. I hope people show up.

      Thank you. I hope I feel better soon,too.

  6. Ok the toilet issues made me laugh I am only 4’11” but that toilet would be far too low for anyone over the age of 3 maybe 4, if I sat on it I wouldn’t be able to get up again.

  7. I had a similar experience at a hotel in Chicago this summer. The toilet was normal-sized but the space between the front of the seat and the wall was so small that my knees nearly touched the wall when I sat down. It was as if the bathroom had been cut in half and the fixtures moved forward to compensate. The tub was about three-quarters the size of a normal one, and the shower … don’t even get me started on the shower. Thanks for letting me know that it could have been worse!

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