We went out for Thanksgiving dinner. I think that messed up the world.
Everything has seemed slightly off since Thanksgiving. I’m having one of those mornings where my perception of reality has taken a dark turn and I can’t tell if life is really as harsh and brutal and cold as I suspect, or if it really is more puppies and kittens and baby angels on unicorns.
I feel this anxiety and my mind goes to some dark places and I wonder, is this really my mental illness or is this when I see life more clearly?
Randy pointed out recently that I’m happier and less anxious if my hands are occupied. I’m calm when I embroider or bake or write or paint.
Other than write, I haven’t done much of that other stuff since Thanksgiving.
I didn’t cook Thanksgiving dinner and my hands need to be occupied.
It’s Sunday morning and I’m making a full blown turkey dinner today. Instead of sacrificing a goat, I will sacrifice a frozen bird and try to set my world right again.
Randy is making bacon jam and keeps interrupting me while I’m writing this to ask what’s next on his recipe. It very nearly turned into an argument, but we traversed it.
I’m baking oatmeal, peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies for dessert. We’re listening to music and my kitchen smells amazing.
Our dishwasher is broken. The repairman has been waiting over a week for a part. That didn’t stop us from embarking on this enormous cooking day. Poor Randy, he’s going to have dish pan hands before the day is over.
I’m waiting my turn at the stove and doing some prep work. We didn’t argue over the bacon jam, but bacon jam disgruntlement still hung in the air, so why not talk about cell phone service?
We need to switch cell phone providers and we wind up in the same place every time we have this conversation. Sooner or later, we’re going to have to melt away this impasse. Our service ends at the end of next month. He gets his panties wadded up over contracts. We need cell phone service no matter what, so who gives a fuck if there’s a contract or not?
I don’t have to worry about that today. I have to roast some almonds for green beans and decide if going to the store for dinner rolls is worth it.
Randy is right about the being occupied thing (he’s definitely not right about the phone thing). I started chopping onions and apples and potatoes and world made a few motions toward settling into it’s place. The place where I’m not always out of sorts and worried. I accept that I’m a worrier. I always have been, but it would be motherfucking nice if I could stop being the most worried when I have nothing to worry about.
I will continue to find ways to keep my hands moving so that my mind is too occupied to slide down those dark alleys.
Plus, I’m going to have some really good leftovers.