The very first words of this post belong to an amazing entertainer and truly one of the funniest women I’ve ever watched…Gilda Radner. What an amazing talent she was. We all lose because she died so young. Imagine what she could have given us if she hadn’t been cut short?
I love the Gene Wilder and Gilda Radner love story. It reminds me how lucky I am to share  my life with Randy, we’re truly happy together. That’s not to say that we don’t have our issues from time to time. I bet Gene and Gilda had theirs, too.
It’s Friday night and Randy are living our favorite part of the week. I’m sitting on a hard ass metal folding chair and squinting because I’m too lazy to go get my bifocals. We’re sitting in his office and listening to music and playing on the internet and generally falling into the most comforting silence.
I was thinking about my therapist and the assignment I have to do for next week. I have to come up with nice things to say to myself. I was thinking about Gilda Radner and how I much I wanted to be her when I was a teenager. What I loved about her was how she seemed to be exactly who she was. She was genuinely Gilda.
I am still working toward that. Not that I want to be Gilda Radner anymore. I want to be me.
Who am I?
I am a bundle of anxiety and I’m afraid of so many things. I am tired and dissatisfied. I am a woman who can’t stop waiting. I’ve been waiting my whole life. Waiting to be an adult..waiting to be a wife..a mother..a satisfied employee.
I am also loyal. I am empathetic and kind.
You couldn’t have a better friend than me. I will listen and I will love you and I’m not at all high maintenance. It doesn’t matter if we go for months without talking, when we do, I will be so happy to speak with you. I won’t ask much of you…perhaps just to listen every once in a while. Unless you are my friend from work. You have to talk to me at LEAST every other day.
It’s not that I don’t make friendship mistakes, I am human. Sometimes I wait to talk. A lot of the time. Still, I’m a great friend.
I’m smart and have a fairly wide range of interests.
I’m goofy and I dance when no one is watching. I sing very loud and very bad and it makes me happy.
I can feel the real me peeking around the edges, asking to be set free. She never has been. She got locked away as a child. She’s never given up, though. She’s grown and she’s waited and she is ready to come out.
I am ready to be the real me. Oddly enough, that thought is accompanied by Gilda Radner singing about talking dirty to the animals.
You are the sum of all your parts and all the parts that came before you. You are exactly and genuinely who you are, in all your glory. I am grateful for all that has shaped you, although some of that has been painful (and I don’t know anyone for whom that isn’t true), because you are an authentic gift to those who know and “read” you.
I hope you are able to receive that 🙂
Oh wow! This is just gorgeous and such a nice thing to read late on a Saturday morning. 🙂
It’s almost like we are related. I am an anxious, goofy person who loved Gilda, too. I read her book, It’s Always Something, and now I forever think I have ovarian cancer. It’s nuts.
NO SHIT?! THAT is my number one hypochondriac fear, that I have ovarian cancer. I’m 50 now, I’m choosing to believe if it were gonna happen, it would have happened by now.
This is why I don’t like going to therapy and quite years ago. I don’t care about all the things that they claim I suffer from. I don’t like dealing with my past and I don’t like dealing with who I am. Although, being able to list all those wonderful things about myself would be nice.
It’s nice easy to say nice things. But I really want to feel different, so I have to try.
This is why I like you: You actually know who Gilda Radner is (I used to do a mean Roseanne Rosannadanna impression back in the day). Also, do ALL therapists give that particular homework assignment — because mine also did (and another blogger I know had the SAME DAMN ASSIGNMENT!) Finally, I’m glad to see that you are doing OK with the assignment and are finding nice things to think/say about yourself — I think you’ll find others who see you the same way.
Thank you so much! I am still waffling ALL THE TIME. I go back and forth and it feels completely not natural to say nice things about me. But I’m trying… 🙂
I wonder why it takes us so long to want to be ourselves and not someone else ? Is it a maturity thing ? Is it because, when we are younger we feel like we are not good enough and that person over there is better than us ? Is it because, once we are older, we realise that actually, we aren’t that bad in the first place and why on earth were we trying to be someone we weren’t – probably to please someone else ?
I’m really glad that you want to be you now – after far too many years, I am happy to be me – I’d like to change the way I look (in terms of losing weight) but me as a person, I’m happy with.
Have the best day – love, hugs and positive energy !
Me
Thank you so much!
Who knows, I suspect we all have a zillion different reasons. I’m sure mine had a lot to do with pleasing someone else. I’m looking forward to pleasing myself. HAHAHAHA…not in a masturbatory way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I think this post deserves a “Huzzah!” I too sing very badly and loudly and I love it. And “while no one is watching” is really the only dance style I believe in. Keep on keepin’ on sister– from what I can tell, the real you is pretty kick-ass.
Thank you. 🙂
I read that last bit quickly, and saw ‘I can feel the real me peeing around the edges…’ And I thought that was a brilliant idea and maybe if I were to pee around the edges, it would prevent my dog from peeing on all the edges. Then I read it more carefully, and was a little embarrassed that I was the only person thinking about marking in my own house.
…I think you should give your new, emerging self a new name…and ‘Gilda’ isn’t taken anymore.
I never considered actually peeing on things. Who knows? It could be liberating. 🙂
Well, damn, you sound awesome. Why do you read my blog? 😉
I like reading your blog! I am an enormous voyeur and have found this whole world of personal blogs just really caters to that quirk.
The real you rocks!
Thank you!!
My old paperback copy of “It’s Always Something” is falling apart – need to get on Amazon & track down another copy! I loved Gilda too, even as I burned w/envy of her skinny frame & masses of dark curly hair – would have traded her looks for mine any day of the week…
Keep on dancing Michelle – I keep getting my son’s hip-hop stuck in my head; it would embarrass him immensely to see me bust a move nowadays 😉
Hahaha..that’s awesome! I’ve had Grease stuck in my head all week this week. I’d rather have Hip Hop