I read something, you guys. I read something that changed my life.
No. Wait. It didn’t just change my life, but changed the fabric of my existence. I felt this in a profound way. I considered perhaps there is a heaven and maybe unicorns are real.
It was a life changing recipe.
The recipe claims to be a salad, but this recipe is to salad as sobriety is to Mardi Gras.
Anyway, here is the recipe for Snickers Caramel Apple Salad.
This recipe could be used as a Type II diabetes starter kit. I don’t even care. Did you read the recipe? It calls for six Snickers bars. Fucking six. Also, I don’t claim to be lord god king of all things salad, but I’m pretty sure you can’t legally use the words “Snickers” and “salad” in the same sentence.
Six Snickers bars?
When I was 20 years old, I went from making 3.63 an hour working in the accounting office of a grocery store to a data entry job in downtown Cincinnati where I made just under 10 grand a year. I got my last check from my old job and my first check from my new job, threw in my 65 dollar tax refund and had just over 300 bucks.
I felt more rich in that moment than I had ever felt in my life. 300 bucks was a fortune. Even with that kind of money, I never would have dreamed of buying six Snickers at once.
Now, I am contemplating buying that many Snickers for a salad.
I imagine when I buy them, I will swim around in my six Snickers bars like I am Scrooge McDuck. I will fan them out like they 
are hundred dollar bills. I will pile my Snickers on my bed and roll around in them. Well, until the papers rip and they get all melty making the sheets disgusting and sticky.
Don’t care. I will wallow in my Snickers.
How come wallow has such a negative connotation? Anytime the word wallow is used, it either has to do with self-pity or pigs. Wallow is a perfectly fine word that means, well, you know, wallowing. Maybe, if we incorporate Snickers wallowing into our daily conversations, we can help the word wallow out. I bet wallow would appreciate the lift. Perhaps, we should all stop thinking about ourselves for once and consider the plight of the wallow.
And now I want to compose music and call it “The Plight Of The Wallow”.
So, I haven’t actually made this recipe, yet. When I do, I’ll probably leave the marshmallows out. I mean, let’s not be ridiculous.
I can’t decide if I’m saving it for a special occasion or for when I give up on life.
Oh, I know! I will make it the next time we have a potluck at work. I’ll probably get a raise and a tiara.
That Devil’s Dessert is definitely one to wallow in. I love how the author tries to hypnotise you into telling yourself it’s healthy, as it’s a salad.
BTW look at the picture… there are no apples in there, I swear!!! It’s just sugary yumminess….
I know. It’s just amazing. And evil. And probably delicious.
I must be getting old…I looked at that recipe and thought, there’s a waste of six perfectly good apples. Also, how is it even still legal to sell Cool Whip? I’m pretty sure that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, you could spoon that shit into your car’s gas tank and it would run just fine.
HAHHAHA…and I LOVE cool whip. I can’t help it. I do.
I LOVE my snickers and often buy those bags full of tiny snickers bars and I eat the whole bag because they areally only tiNY and couldn’t possibly be the equivalent of eating 6 full size bars.
I love salad too but I am having trouble thinking of putting the two together. I’m going to read the recipe though, because you never know.
I think if it’s called “salad” then it’s fine. We should create “Ice cream salad” and “Birthday cake salad”.
I’d like to cast my vote for vodka salad and bottomless bucket of fried chicken salad.
See? I adore the way you think.
Voting with Chuck Baudelaire…
And, yes. We should use the word ‘salad’ in most of our kitchen food concoctions starting now.
To quote Eric Cartman, “Life doesn’t suck after all!” Also, looking forward to “The Plight of the Wallow” composition. I’m sure I’ll be able to relate on many levels.
Now…all I have to do is learn how to compose music!
*Sets aside recipe for next potluck.*
*Remembers how much six Snickers costs.*
*Fuck that, sets aside for next night home alone when Hubs is at a meeting.*
Hahahahh! Good plan!
great. just great. I read this post before breakfast and now all I want for breakfast is a……snickers bar.
Thanks, Michelle. You are the best.
HAHAHAH…I wanted a Snickers last night so bad…I got over it though. Kind of.
ohhhhh….that’s what “salad” means – anything piled in a bowl
my world looks a bit different this morning
and it’s sweeter!
nothing wrong with that, is there?
Not a damn thing…
You lost me at the pudding mix and cool whip. Up until then, I was right there with ya!!
Maybe add the Snickers to a Waldorf Salad? That’d be something I could righteously wallow in!
XO Donna
Haha..go for it! I truly don’t think it would hurt and then you would have a recipe creation of your very own!
I think we hear “wallow” and get confused because we think of “waddle” which is an unhappy word, and swallows which are happy, and doing this at once causes tiny shorts in the brain.
In some future”life is short” phase, I might, MIGHT take a stab at that deadly salad.
Ahhh..wallow vs waddle…I can see that.
Yeah, I haven’t made it yet. I will..but only when I can give it to a large group of people that will prevent me from just throwing my face in the bowl.
My sister makes me snicker salad every time I visit her. Beware, it’s like crack. (She does use a slightly different recipe) 🙂
Well…now I am curious..how does hers differ because I might like that better
Actually a wallow is a joyous thing. Ever see a pig take a good wallow? They’re happy as a pig in shit. But to be fair to the pigs, it’s really deep, cool mud that gets rid of bugs and acts like sunscreen. Wallow away!
I am all for getting rid of bugs.
Ahahahaha, I just can’t even I was laughing so hard.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wallow.
Swallow.
Waddle.
Walla Walla.
Swell.
I have wa-wa brain now.
I always have wa wa brain. I don’t even know what that is, but I am pretty sure I have it.
I think when something is bad, you’re “wallowing”, when something is good, you’re “indulging”. Am I the only person who was grossed out by that recipe? (I’m not a Snickers fan, for one thing, but I will eat the occasional 3 Musketeers. The candy bar, too! HAHAHA!!!)
HAHAHAAH…and you probably aren’t the ONLY one grossed out. Although, it still makes me sad for you.
I like to wallow in compliments.
OMG that’s the best. And tapioca. Or is that weird?
Why does “wallow” have such a bad connotation? All the things that it rhymes with have good connotations. There’s “swallow” and…well, let me get back to you on that. I blame Pink Floyd who said it’s all just bricks in the wallow.
Remember when Snickers was running those “you’re not you when you’re hungry” commercials? I said, “Weird, I ate a Snickers bar and turned into Richard Lewis” and my wife said, “Don’t come home until it wears off.”
And I think you should replace the marshmallows with Reese’s cups.
That makes my teeth hurt just thinking about it but what kind of people would we be if we didn’t keep dentists in business?
I laughed at the bricks in the wallow comment and now I feel bad.
HAHAHAHAH..just kidding. I don’t feel bad.
“Don’t you love the minds of small children?” Sure, and their pancreases as well. I have said for years about growing up in the county seat of Humboldt county that we were “wallowing in good pot” because, well, what else COULD we do?
There are all kinds of “salads”, really.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_salads
Vegetable, fruit, meat, bean, green, seafood, cheese, egg, bread, tomato and cheese, cereal, pasta, potato, herb, dessert, and listed under “candy salad”, snickers. 93 entries, in all, and some deceptively hiding in other categories: chicken salad is meat salad, and jello salad is fruit salad, etc.
I have been making a lot of salads lately, and my friend Zsuzs is coming down from Yosemite (where she lives) this weekend, which by coincidence happens to be her birthday, and since she can’t eat gluten without getting ill, I have invited her over for a nice salad…
Ooooohhhh…you will have to let me know how it turns out…and happy birthday to your friend!!
I know it’s Friday, so if you drink any tequila, toast bats.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMHcLWZjQXI
Plight Of The Wallow, I feel a concept album coming on. Randy?
Hahaha…yeah, I will let him work that out
Well, now I know how I’m going to procrastinate for the rest of the work day: staring at that recipe wondering what kind of sick individual would come up an organized plan to ruin a bunch of perfectly good Snickers by chopping up apples into them.
See? I see it as an outgrowth…adding to the enjoyment of snickers.
Although, I kind of get what you are saying. That’s how I feel about adding flavors to coffee or putting lobster into a dish of some sort…leave it the fuck alone, it is awesome as is.
Good plan to leave the marshmallows out – those things ONLY belong in a S’mores or in hot chocolate.
OMG, that’s exactly right!
Sadly, I was damned at birth. I do not have a sweet tooth. Please, no sympathy!
I am actually kind of envious.
Scrolling down from THAT crazy recipe was a link to Beer-Battered Apple Rings. Now there’s something I could wallow in. No marshmallows required. 😀
That actually sounds amazing. I will have to check it out.
Pudding and cool whip are evil. Maybe whipped cream? This is a salad like the Midwestern salads of my youth. Ambrosia salad, jello salads with pineapple and cottage cheese, some kind of salad with little oranges and sugared pecans…..I don’t think my grandma ever used lettuce except on a burger.
I can’t help it, I love pudding and cool whip. I remember those salads. They were a rip off because they seemed like they would be delicious and then you’d get to the cottage cheese part. Blerg. Also, who decided suspending cottage cheese in jello was a good idea? It’s like preserved vomit.
We make this salad all the time, but after Halloween when you can get the bags of the mini Snickers for a sick deal. Then we just chuck them in there whole without chopping them up….make for a better salad that way if you ask me!
I still haven’t tried it, but I’m going to.