Like Father, Like Son. Also, I Don’t Stand A Chance

Because Randy and I are good parents and insist that our spawn have a wide variety of experiences, we made Joey watch Earache My Eye by Cheech and Chong on Youtube.

Joey was amused, which was refreshing. Usually when we show him something from our childhood there is much mocking and eye-rolling.

Randy and Joey had a text conversation yesterday that was born of his recent introduction to Cheech and Chong. I had to share. My husband is funny and my son is just fucking brilliant. We are also destined for hell.

It’s also possible that Joey is spending too much time texting during school hours.

So, here it is…the text conversation with the boring ones weeded out. Also, Joey charged me to transcribe this text conversation.

Joey: Can you come and pick me up? I have an earache.

Randy: Earache my eye.

Joey: I was kidding. I have to turn my money in tonight for my trip anyway.

Randy: Hmmm..we could pocket the cash and have lunch across the state line.

Joey: Good plan, we can hold up an old folk’s home if we need any extra dinero.

Randy: They always hide that shit in silk purses or denture holders.

Joey: Or underneath the pre-world war II hard candy. Nobody would check there.

Randy: Unfortunately, that candy is hard to find. Often it is disguised as knick knacks or a dog named Carl.

Joey: The precious metals are in between the untouched folds of their childhood Jacob’s ladders.

Randy: Be cautious young blood, there could be a teacher nearby. Quick, genuflect! (please note: we are not Catholic)

Joey: Genuflect?

Randy: Look it up, neophyte.

Joey: Huh, I’m surprised I haven’t seen that in Game Of Thrones.

Joey: I have already sworn fealty. What more do I need to do?

Randy: Maybe…you could become a fealtor?

Joey: Ba dum tss.

Randy: None shall pass…

Joey: Plot twist: Peter Dinklage starts a real estate agency and calls it Fealty Realty.

Randy: Problem is..he can’t see over the horizon.

Joey: He ironically looks down on the realty companies.

Randy: Especially those in the North who oft peddle piles of snow as suitable abodes.

Joey: Unfortunately for them, George R R Martin is planning to write global warning into his next book.

Randy: Which segues right into the story of Noah and the ark (filled with baby dinosaurs).

Joey: We must contact the Vatican.

Randy: Have ’em on speed dial…1800POPEPOOP

Joey: The hat is multi-purpose.

Randy: He plays a mean round of golf with that hat. Arnie Palmer genuflects at the Pope’s golfing prowess. Of course, the Pope does have God on his side.

Joey: And by God, you mean the crooked groundskeeper, Jesus.

Randy: Something like that.

Joey: The Pope gets distracted by the voices in his head quite often.

Randy: Voices and loyalty oaths.

When Joey was first born I had a serious discussion with Randy and Joey’s older brother, Zach. I asked them both….can we please keep him sweet for a while? Can you guys just let me have a sweet little boy for a while?

I did not get my wish. Joey has been funny since he could talk. He is arguably the sweetest of all of our spawn, but honestly, that bar is set pretty low. He’s definitely funny more than he is sweet.

love it.



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  • I love it too! Hilarious!

    My only good text this week was when I sent my brother a text saying:

    “are you free?” (because I need to talk to him, and it needs to be when he’s alone)

    and I got this back:

    “No actually I’m pretty expensive”

    But he was also busy, so–alas.

    • It’s great, right? Although..when my son isn’t being funny..he is often annoying. He broke his phone today and he is non-stop nagging for a new one. I might kill him.

  • Your son is lucky he has a father with whom he can communicate like that. About as close to genuine humor my siblings and I ever got with my father was teasing him about his baldness by calling him cue ball. To his credit, though, he seemed to think it was as funny as we did.

  • Michelle,
    I wish you lived next door, girl. We have similar conversations with our teen son. If I ever meet you, remind me to tell you how my son had to tell me to stop jerking off my wine glass when he had company for dinner. It was awkward. I didn’t even notice.
    Hugs to you!

    • HAHAHA…that is awesome!!! And if we are ever within 100 miles of each other, we should at least have a goddamn drink.

      Joey has a friend named elliot. I called him Eric. They corrected me…so then I called him Eustace, Elvis, Ed Edd and Eddy and Ennis. Joey said he was not amused. Oh well..

  • Brilliant! I have 4 teenagers, 3 sons, and I swear I am going to install cctv in our dining room and upload our dinner conversations to YouTube because these guys make me laugh just remembering what the shit they come out with! I say Randy and Joey should take their show on the road…straight to the Vatican!

By Michelle


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