I had my last Listen To Your Mother rehearsal Wednesday night.
I’m happy with the essay I’m reading. The essay feels solid and gets laughs. I think if I had this to do over, I would have read out loud before submitting the story. I stumble in a few places that read fine, but awkward when I speak them.
I’m not happy with my performance. Because I’m nervous, I’m reading too fast. This isn’t me being self-deprecating. After the rehearsal, I got coached a little on slowing down and pacing.
I just need to practice more. Or really, if I’m honest, start practicing.
But this isn’t about my performance. This is about my armpits.
My new job is in retail. I work in the office, but they have a 3 day beginning of the season sale and everyone works the sale. I went from computer programmer to the person who carts loads and loads of pool chemicals out to customer’s cars. We have to work until the store closes each night.
Holy shit, you guys, I am beyond exhausted right now. My broke ass body can’t take much more and I still have to work the evening shift tonight. I’m hiding in my cubicle right now and spending my lunch hour with you guys.
I’m grateful they let me out of working last night so that I could attend rehearsal. However, I had no time to change or shower as rehearsal is two hours away. I went to rehearsal smelling like a goat.
Also, I wore a shirt that isn’t quite sleeveless, but mostly sleeveless.
I didn’t worry about the no sleeves thing when I got dressed yesterday. I didn’t consider the shirt at all during work and even though I felt sticky and gross by the time rehearsal rolled around, my wardrobe choice didn’t cause me any anxiety.
Until the end.
At the end of the show, we all stand in a row and hold hands for a bow. We practiced this. I remembered seeing the pictures from previous shows. The cast holds hands with their arms up over their heads.
As I made my way around the table to get in line, panic set in.
Fuckity fuck fucking hell. Did I shave my armpits this morning?
HAHAHFUCKINGHAHAHA. You KNOW you didn’t shave your pits this morning. A better question would be ‘did I shave my armpits in April?’
You aren’t goddamn Julia Roberts. She can not shave her pits and wave for a camera and it’s adorable.
Oh. My. God. They’re going to take a picture.
The good news: they didn’t take a picture of us holding hands, which is good, because I kept my elbows held tightly to my sides.
The bad news: we still took a group picture. After a 16 hour day where many hours were spent doing manual labor, I didn’t look my best.
By not my best, I mean I looked like my grandmother, and not the nice one, after a three day bender.
I think the lesson I’ve learned from this is that we are firmly entrenched in Spring and I have to make a better effort at not being a Yeti.
At least until the snow flies again.
You’re an artist, you can have fucking hairy armpits 🙂 You are funny, love it.
Anita
YAY! I AM NEVER SHAVING AGAIN.
Well..maybe after the show I’ll stop
Oh MY god. I cannot thank you enough for your timely posting. Our LTYM Seattle run through is coming up. I shall take your words to heart. Bless ya.
And sending you furtive (no pun intended) wishes to “Break a leg!”
Oh thank you! You break a figurative leg as well!
Okay I am sorry for your pain but oh so relieved that I am not the only person who has to think back to see if I shaved my armpits this month! Whew! Now, it’s Spring so I have to get the weedwhacker and check my legs!
Hahha..yeah..I’m going to make a few razors dull myself.
I always read too fast out loud. A tip that one of my professors taught me once was to draw little stop signs on my speech/cue cards in multiple places to remind me to slow down.
Helps some, but I still read too fast.
I am going to practice my ass off
My one foray into retail was when I worked for Montgomery Ward when I was a teenager. I do remember getting some extra hours during Easter break working their “parking lot” sale, in the garden dept., loading 25lb. bags of steer manure into customers’ cars. Like, hundreds and hundreds of them. That was my explanation to my mother when she wanted to know why I’d used up ALL of the hot water taking a shower…
Unless they were using some extreme telephoto lens, I don’t think your hairs would figure prominently in the picture, although I realize that’s not much comfort at the time.
Timing is important in public speaking, you have to give your audience time to absorb what you are saying because they don’t know the story. And it’s a good story. So give them time to enjoy it, and they will. And listen to me go, talking like I could tell you what to do.
No, you are actually spot on. That’s what the director/producer told me and what Randy said as well. He has a friend in radio and I’m going to read for him and get him to coach me. I’m really nervous about that, but I’m gonna have to power through that shit.
Sounds like you’ve got it handled. Go get ’em!
Thank you! I got this. I do. Probably.
You’re almost making me miss winter… Almost!)
(also: though it seems my latest post is quite in sync with yours here, mine is NOT about armpits, I swear! ;p)
Ohhh…I can’t wait to read it!
Okay… you could show up looking like you slept in the wilderness for five weeks and ya know what? If you told people how your week as been, I bet they would bow down to you in worship and praise! I mean…. WHOA! Crap, you make me look L.A.Z.Y.
And btw- I’m guessing you looked awesome and smelled like a beautiful ripened peach on a hot summer’s day… fuzz and all.
I CANNOT WAIT to watch you!!! You WILL be sharing the video, right?
I will share the video! I don’t think it comes out until the Summer, but I will share!
Oh sister..trust me..I am very often lazy…this week was not a typical week and I am paying for it. I am exhausted and very sore.
YOU CAN DO EEEEEEEET! 🙂 So excited for you and proud of you, SW. You’re amazing. Even with hairy armpits.
Thank you, sugar pop!!!
I shaved my legs today!!!!!
Break a leg at your performance 🙂
I still haven’t…definitely this weekend. haha.
You will rock the real thing, you have to cock it up in rehearsal in order to get it right on the night, them’s the rules
xxx
I was not aware of those rules!! Thanks for letting me know…apparently, I’m doing it right.
hmmmmmnnn… I must have missed Julia Roberts when she was on Listen to Your Mother… or is that she is not sufficiently talented to get through the preliminaries? 😉
Hahahaha….sure, we will go with that.
I only shave the pits when I shave the legs. Two days ago I was driving around visiting customers thinking I’d put it off for a day too long, but only because my pant legs were pulling my leg hair.
Hahaha….SISTER!
Oh and I just can’t wait till it’s swimsuit season (sarcasm). Then I’ll have to do a bikini area ‘fro’ check. Hahahahaha. 🙂
I just wear the old lady skirt.
OMG, Michelle you have me laughing so hard I’m crying. I can totally relate to the arm pit “did I shave?” question. I usually ask it while in Warrior One at yoga. You’ll be fabulous reading your essay!
Thank you, sister…I hope I do…and I’m glad I’m not alone in the whole ‘pit’ thing.
Hi M,
I wanted to let you know that my father-in-law is a world renowned speaker and he does this one thing- even after 50 years- he practices his talks 100 hundred fucking times. Outloud. Not 101, not 99, 100.
Give that a try. It has been fool proof for him.
You will do well. I can’t wait to see it. You make me smile if not fucking laugh out loud with every post. And I am not easy, girl!
Love,
Jill
This is my new goal. 100 times.
Oh man. First, will no longer read your stuff while I’m scarfing food, it’s dangerous! Second, very impressed that you didn’t say, “Rehearsal tonight? Fuckit, I’m beat!” … cuz I would’ve. (2 HOURS WAY????) The prospect of having to shave my pits more often is usually the reason I don’t buy sleeveless & cap-sleeve shirts. Lastly, I firmly believe you will be supahhhhh! Your voice will be calm, your audience captivated, and your pits, well, they won’t really figure into your success. (But shave them anyway. Better safe than hairy.)
HAHAHAHAA Better safe than hairy is the best thing I’ve read all day.
It flurried here all day yesterday. I’ve made only gestures at shaving in April. Send help.
Man, isn’t that true though, about reading a thing out loud? I feel weird doing it, even when home alone, but I’ve tried out a text to voice program so I could listen to my story, and that was fun.
It does feel weird. And I am really flat when I read out loud.
Last year I wrote an essay for a contest. It was a smart pet contest so the content was more important than the actual writing (which was good cause it’s hard to pack a quality story into 300 words) but then when I made it to the final round, they asked me to send them a file with me reading the essay. Holy crap – same problem – there were places I stumbled when I read it out loud. Sounded great in my head – apparently my brain is more limber than my lips. I finally got it done, after about thirty tries. So yeah, PRACTICE IS GOOD.
Also, last week I had a dream that I went somewhere and had to put on a short dress. I have not shaved my legs since November. My cats have accepted me as one of their own.
Oh, did I say dream? I meant nightmare.
Yeah, I’m reading and recording and listening…then starting over.
These are the advantages of living in Florida. It never really gets cold enough to not have to shave stuff, ya know. That said, it doesn’t mean I always do and I have a yeti story or two myself.
You are gonna be kick ass good…I know this. I am so looking forward to seeing it!
I rehearsed over the weekend and I’m getting better.
I’m so proud of you for doing this, though. I can’t wait to see! I totally chickened out, so you’re one step ahead of folks like me, no matter what you look like up there.
Thank you!! I am really excited and not real nervous yet.
Does your husband care whether or not you shave your pits? If not then no one else should either. If he does then he should try shaving his own pits and see how he likes it. Oh, I know, it’s easy for me to talk because I’ve never been particularly hirsute.
Anyway if you’ve only done rehearsals so far good luck with the real thing. Maybe if you go smelling like a goat with unshaved pits that’ll actually help. It will give you something else to think about and slow down your delivery.
Practicing has helped a LOT. And hahaha..no..Randy doesn’t care about that at all
I got ditched from your subscription list! I have to go catch up. You will be fab and the Madonna look makes you look like a real mom. We get it.
THank you! And I switched where I gather subscribers and no one was supposed to get dropped..but a lot of people got dropped. 🙁
u r a hoot. that is fun to say too, just like shuttlecock. thanks for the giggles.
It IS fun to say..and it reminds me of Boston Legal. I miss Alan Shore.
Thank God for rehearsals! I am the most horrible public speaker. I talk way too fast, my face turns beet red, and my heart pounds and I have flop sweat like I just ran after the morning train. I hate it like the devil. You’ll be great though!!! Will you get anymore run-throughs?
We must be related because that is exactly how I react. And I get out of breath.
No more run throughs with the group, but I’ve been rehearsing and recording it every night.
I share your angst – and you are spot on about that “reads fine, speaks awkward” thing. I’ve found a few spots in my essay also. And really?? I was worried about talking to fast, stumbling, my chest turning bright red with hives…but I had totally forgotten how I sweat like a lumberjack on a 100-degree day until I read this post. Has anyone tried the clinical strength deodorant and does it work??
I don’t know, but we should find some.