We lost internet access the other night. Like all the way lost it. No Netflix. No social media. No Sam and Dean.
You know what I did? I mean, besides write this out in longhand like I’m goddamn Caroline Ingalls? Normally, I would say Laura Ingalls, but I’ve reached an age where I identify more with Caroline than Laura. That means Randy is Michael Landon. Which is hilarious.
Okay, what I did was read a book.
It has been far too long since I’ve made time to read more than a page or two of a book. I used to identify as a reader over everything else. Before I had kids, I would spend entire weekends reading. I read every night for at least an hour or two. Even after kids I would read at least 3 or 4 books a month. Now? I haven’t completed an entire book in 2016. What the fuck happened to me?
So, Randy bought me a book the other day titled Lunatics by Alan Zweibel and Dave Barry. I got to meet Alan Zweibel when I went to the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop last month. Alan Zweibel, one of the original writers on Saturday Night Live, created characters like Rosanne Rosanna Danna and Lord and Lady Douche bag. He was lovely and I talked to him a few times. I told him, on the second day of the conference, that my husband was probably sick of hearing me talk about about him. He suggested a picture of him giving me a kiss to send to Randy. So I have a picture of Alan Zweibel kissing my cheek. I would post it here, but I kind of closed my eyes in the picture and it looks like I’m having an awkward orgasm. So, I will just keep that one to myself.
I was pretty smug about my Alan Zweibel kiss. Then I started seeing the pictures from other people who attended the conference pop up on social media. There was a startling number of pictures of women getting kissed by Alan Zweibel. It turns out that Alan Zweibel is a whore. I wanted to name this post Alan Zweibel Is A Whore, but I was too chicken.
Anyway, the book is funny and it felt good to get lost for a while. I felt the stirrings of the old me.
I also used my Little House On The Prairie time to contemplate how I used the last 45 minutes before the internet went kablooey.
I was on Facebook, arguing on a high school friend’s thread with a moronic twat monster who said some vile things to me. We argued about my wild suggestion that it might be a good idea for the public to not have military assault weapons. Guns which shoot bullets as fast as you can pull a trigger and hold 30 rounds per clip.
Why? Why did I waste my time on this person? I could have spent that 45 minutes cleaning my house or learning how to do the dance from Napoleon Dynamite.
I have to consider shifting some priorities. Arguing with knuckle dragging assholes doesn’t belong on the priority list.
***ALERT*** ***ALERT*** ***ALERT*** ***ALERT*** ***ALERT***
In my five years of blogging, I haven’t turned off comments even once. I think that is true. I don’t remember for sure, but I don’t think I have. I mean, there are some older posts that didn’t get any comments, but that isn’t the same thing. I also haven’t made any requests when it comes to folks leaving comments. I don’t want to turn comments off or anything, but I do want to make it clear that I will not welcome any comments on gun control. I will not welcome any comments about any presidential candidate’s stance on gun control. Or really, any comments about presidential candidates at all. Unless, it’s Donald Trump because fuck that guy.
I’ve been reading so much ugliness for days now. I’ve wallowed it in. I’m done with it. This space is mine and I don’t want it here. That being said, if anyone leaves a comment that is about gun control or politics, then I will turn the comment into bad poetry. The person’s name will still be on the comment, so it will look like they wrote the bad poetry. I am not kidding about this.
Here is an example:
White Fluffy Bunnies
What is better than a white fluffy bunny?
Not a dog eating with a spoon.
Or a witch riding on her broom.
Other bunnies are okay.
But they pale before white fluffy bunnies.
Not that white bunnies are really better than other bunnies.
Oh god. I am a bunny racist.
Why do I think white bunnies are best?
I am a bad person.
So, do you want to risk being a bunny racist? I didn’t think so.
I guess the point to be made here is that it took having my access to the virtual world taken from me for an evening to realize that I must re-prioritize how I am spending my time. I also have to stop reading, day after day, posts and stories and comments that prove how hard so many of the other humans suck. My heart hurts and I’m on the verge of tears way too much of the time.
Now, please excuse me. I’ve got a motherfucking huge stack of books to read.
Also, if you are not familiar with the Liberal Redneck, do yourself a favor and watch a few of his videos. The one I posted here isn’t funny, but it’s a good one. I hope he never stops using his voice. I hope he makes a difference.
Photo courtesy of Petra