According to my cut rate therapist, I’m supposed to start talking nicer to myself.
I remember years ago seeing a cartoon where a person was chanting a positive affirmation: I’m not as stupid as I used to be…I’m not as stupid as I used to be.
Even that feels a little bit like a lie when I repeat it to myself.
One positive thing about being raised by a narcissist is that I can spot a lie fairly easily. When you are raised by someone who lies about everything all the time, you tend to become an expert.
I made a conscious decision many years ago to try to live as honestly as possible. That’s not to say that I never lie. Anyone who claims to never lie is a big, fat liar. I made the decision to live honestly, because until then, I followed in my father’s footsteps. I lied about stupid shit. Stuff that didn’t matter at all. I had a kick in the head moment when I started asking myself WHY? Why would you LIE about that? What does it gain you? Not only that..keeping up with your own lies is just exhausting.
Now, I have a therapist who wants me to say nice things about myself. They feel like lies to me. It’s almost comforting to hear the voice that tells me how much I suck. It feels like the truth.
I explained this to her and she said that was to be expected and to just keep going.
I don’t know, y’all. This is not going to be easy.
Last night, my therapist told me that I was VERY good at deflecting. So…YAY ME! I AM good at something.
Or maybe I’m not looking at that right.
She countered my negative self talk with good, solid reasons why it was wrong. I was ANNOYED by this. How dare she? How dare she make me feel uncomfortable with myself and how dare she suggest that I LIE to myself when I’ve worked so hard to become an honest person?
My tear ducts acted up a few times in the hour, but I kept it in check. I have no idea why it’s so important to me to not cry in front of others (that’s actually a lie..I do know why) but it’s important to me to not cry in front of others.
My head was a jumbled mess on the way home. How was I supposed to process this? Then it hit me. I’m a goddamn narcissist! The big lie I’ve been telling myself is that I’m NOT a narcissist when clearly I am.
Why else would I insist on telling her why I suck if it weren’t to hear her disagree and tell me how great I am?
THAT is the thought that felt like the truth to me. That felt honest to me.
And it’s complete bullshit. I told her why I suck because she fucking asked me. I didn’t enjoy hearing how I don’t suck. It didn’t feel good at all. It made me uncomfortable and I batted away all the nice things she said with ease. At first. She kept going until I couldn’t disagree any longer.
These are the things that I need to understand are true:
I am a good mother.
I am a good wife.
I am not without talent.
I am strong.
I feel like a complete fake even typing those sentences when the voice in my head is literally SCREAMING all the reasons those sentences are lies.
However, there is another voice. It’s tiny and it’s young..but I can hear it. It’s telling me that I can do this.
So, I’m not a HOT mess…just lukewarm.
It is just so hard to hear good things about yourself when your whole life you’ve been told that you AREN’T good at thing. But the truth of the matter is, we are ALL good at something. We just have to believe at some point what that thing is. Hopefully it’s not being a NARC parent……..
I was surprised..very surprised to see how annoyed I was with her for arguing with me. She did give me a lot to think about.
I used to have a mantra I recited while walking the dog. (And am now reminded I haven’t done it in quite a while.) I am smart. I am kind. I am strong.
I don’t always believe it, but saying it again and again helped.
That is awesome! I need a mantra. I’ll have to think about that!
You do have a talent, whether you know it or not. The ability to be this honest about one’s own self in such a public forum is an uncommon thing for many people. Keep it up, I’m enjoying reading your blog.
Thank you so much. It’s funny, because these are things that I rarely talk about outside an immediate circle, but I don’t have any problem sharing it with a world of people on my blog. I guess if I’m not actually SPEAKING the words, I’m okay with it.
I can hear what you are saying and related so much to it. I think the fact that you can’t hear the nice things (and I am going from my own experience here) is that the voice in your (my) head is the mocking voice of our parents telling us what we can’t do and how unworthy of love we are. For me, it is my mother mocking me for my dreams, stripping away my self-confidence and filling it with that voice that says “YOU? Succeed? Pfft. And who wants to hear YOUR opinion, your thoughts, your stupid dreams? You have nothing of value to add, nothing worthwhile hearing, nothing valuable to say. Your opinions are stupid and invalid and ridiculous.” So yeah, “I am a wonderful and capable person” feels like the biggest lie of all. But you know the kicker? They NEEDED us to prop them up, make them feel valid and feed their insatiable need to mock, take, and manipulate. So really, we frickin rock. We survived their barbs, their abuse and their cruelty and through it all we loved and supported many, including them. So, if you need something positive to say, “I am a survivor. I am articulate, beautiful, honest, and I have integrity”. Own that my dear because you SO are all those things and many more. I can see that just through how you write. I can only imagine how amazing you are if I met you in person. And thank you so much for being so vulnerable and honest and making this trip around this planet seem a little less crazy. It’s nice to know I am not the only one trying to make sense of the craziness that a narcisstic parent can create. Hugs you you! Keep those positive thoughts coming.
okay..that was amazing. Thank you so much. It got a little dusty in here. 🙂
Yeah, in here to. Dusty. Gets in your eyes. 🙂 You rock darlin! Don’t you ever forget it. And if you do, talk to me. I’ll tell you how awesome you are!
aww…I have to say, I am very lucky to have my hubs and my kids. They always make me feel appreciated and good about myself. 🙂
Awesome! You just need to see yourself through their eyes. Write their words on post it notes and stick them on your bathroom mirror. Have you tried EFT (tapping)? I have started this week to deal with my issue with my mother and holy crap, I almost am starting to feel like a valuable human being! LOL It is helping me to release that critical bitch in my head who finds fault with the way I breathe 🙂
I have never heard of EFT..
It’s hard for me to hear nice things because when I was a kid,growing up with an N mom, every nice thing she said was a manipulation. “Oh you’re so good at X, why don’t you just do it from now on!?” and X could be anything from laundry to parenting my brother to cleaning her glasses. She would sound very sincere but it was clearly self-serving. So even now I approach people bearing compliments with great skepticism.
Man, I hate to hear that. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just say ‘thank you’ when we hear something nice?
Heh…I call it the fine art of self-delusion because here’s what I’ve come to understand about self-talk…only I have to believe it. And the good news is that I get to choose what to say and I get to check in with how it feels. Only I know if it feels right (even if it’s not the “truth”). I’ve trained myself to know how it feels when I believe something positive about me…with the added bonus being that when I’ve got it right, I do amazing things and I show up as me.
Doing this work is hard, but it’s sooooo worth it. For me it’s gotten to the point where I relish it. I GET to do this hard work!!
Oh wow, that is awesome. I am not there yet…but I see out there…waaaaay out on the horizon. Which is an improvement. 🙂
If you are interested in EFT (or tapping) check out this guy. He has a ton of videos on YouTube. http://www.bradyates.net/videos.html
I’ve always found the whole mantra thing to be super hokey and I couldn’t do it at all. When I’ve had those super “hate on myself” moments, particularly after an abusive relationship ended, I always try to be mindful enough to stop and look at what I’m saying and try to reason it out like I’m playing the devil’s advocate. I usually find that what I’m saying doesn’t really hold water.
That is just awesome! I’m going to remember the devil’s advocate strategy..that’s kind of like sneaking up on being nice to yourself.
I wasn’t raised by a narcissit…more like parents who no longer cared enough. 3rd kid and they aren’t even trying any longer.
Sure you’re spotting lies…or just no longer trusting anyone to tell the truth…and maybe you’re like me…where you put yourself down because if you build yourself up…someone else will just tear it down…so why try. Keep your goals low so you’re never disappointed.
She’s trying to get you too, “Fake it til you make it” If you keep saying it…you’ll believe it…if you believe it, you’ll make it happen. Kinda like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I wonder if that ever really works…telling yourself your better than you are and actually becoming better. Lemme know if it works.
“And it’s complete bullshit. I told her why I suck because she fucking asked me. I didn’t enjoy hearing how I don’t suck. It didn’t feel good at all. It made me uncomfortable and I batted away all the nice things she said with ease.”
Amen!! Not everyone who says they suck are seeking compliments or drama…some of us are just giving you fair warning.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I like the honesty in it. And I know it’s honest because I felt uneasy reading it…it hits very close to familiar.
I just re-read that. At the end, I said “us, I didn’t mean to insinuate that I even have a clue how you feel exactly…I only know you through here and twitter.
I didn’t take it that way at all. No worries.
I’m pretty sure that my exhusband was a narcissist with a borderline personality. And he was an ass to boot. He did a real number on my head in the 11 years we were together. All the good things people would tell me felt like lies. I couldn’t take a compliment to save my life.
It takes time to start to meet yourself. The real you. But when you do, you will start to understand that you are pretty cool. I met myself at age 30. I’m 37 now and still working on it, but I finally realized that I wasn’t the problem.
I’m sorry you went through that, but so glad you are working through it now! And yes, it is cool to finally meet yourself. I started that process a few years ago and I have to say that it’s pretty awesome. It hasn’t been easy..but worth it.
“I am not without talent”?!?!?
Let’s go for “I am talented” It’s true, and it makes me think perhaps the problem lies in absolutes…? Something true and kind about yourself does not mean you are perfect, you seem to know that when you say “I am a good mother, I am a good wife” etc.
Being good at something doesn’t mean you’re flawless. You’re human, you’re learning, you’re doing your best. You’re still allowed to own it.
Look, chick, you rock. YOU rock. Maybe not at everything all the time, and that’s cool. Less pressure on the rest of us, so thanks 😉 but seriously.
I’ll add you’re funny and you’re honest to that list there.
Okay, that made me squirm a little…but I appreciate it. Thanks, sister. 🙂
The problem is that we lie to ourselves so much that we ultimately start thinking the lie is the truth. Top that with a mother who always wanted you to be as pretty as Staci and as smart as Sherri and it’s a recipe for disaster. Sorry, that’s my mom. But you get the picture. I now realize that I am as pretty as Staci and as smart as Sherri but in my own way.
I’m not into the self talk so much but the Mary Kay folks are excellent at teaching it to you. 🙂
yeah, sifting through your own truths and lies can be daunting.
I used to actually punch myself in the head. Sounds sick doesn’t it? I think we treat ourselves much worse than we’d ever dream of treating other people! The only thing I figured out to do was tell myself, “If my friend did this (made a dumb mistake or whatever) what would I do?” Probably I wouldn’t punch my friend in the head! So I shouldn’t punch myself either!
Yeah, that’s a harsh punishment. It doesn’t really sound sick to me. It sounds like you were frustrated and needed an outlet. We all do weird shit..or I suspect we do. I’m glad you don’t punch yourself anymore.
Sometimes hearing the truth is the hardest thing to hear. Someone once asked me how come I was so hard on myself when I would never in a million years say those same things to a friend and asked me to try to treat myself the same way I would treat a friend. It really made me think long and hard about how I talk to myself. Sad to say I still do – but not as often as I used to !!!
Have the best day !
Me
I think being aware and improving that habit is wonderful!
Well, you can definitely give yourself kudos about how your honesty and approachability makes people feel more at ease and more willing to open up about their personal battles. Being kind to yourself starts as not being mean to yourself anymore.
You know what? That is such a simple statement, but it is really resonating with me. Being kind to yourself starts as not being mean to yourself anymore.
Thanks for that!