Macho Man: The Narcissist’s Anthem

The weather turned off stupid hot again. The humidity makes the air taste like dirt and exhaust soup.

Right now, thunder rolls in the distance. There’s no rain yet, but it is coming. No more dirt and exhaust soup.

I painted the ugly ass kitchen today. I covered the robin egg blue walls with an icy, pale blue that is nearly gray and nearly white and is perfect in my kitchen.

While I am painting, the noise in my head quiets down. Mostly. A few stupid thoughts spike here and there.

What if Joey gets eaten by that cougar?

It’s bad, you know. 

So what? I’m a grown ass woman. I can have pie for dinner if I want. 

Other than the usual suspects, my brain was quiet. Ish. Other than the soundtrack. Even with an 80’s playlist going on Youtube, I had a song popping in and out all morning.

I had the Village People stuck in my head. Macho Man.

Of course, Macho Man. Of course.

I’ve mentioned before that there is virtually no difference in behavior between my father and the president. They are completely transparent. What they show you is exactly who they are.

When I say they are the same, I really mean it you guys.

Someone posted on Twitter that the song Macho Man was played at one of Trump’s rallies last week. Macho Man. 

Let’s set aside for a moment that the song is actually making fun of macho men and their insecurities.

The fact that he feels he has to highlight his machoness by playing a song about machonessmacho man opening jar is pathetic. That’s as bad as someone repeatedly referring to themselves as a genius.

So, when Macho Man came out, my dad latched on and sang it about himself for years. 

I always took perverse pleasure in pointing out ways my father was wrong. Oh, there was a price and the price was steep, but I couldn’t stop. I loved pointing out he was singing a song about being macho that was really poking fun at macho men. I don’t recall the fight that ensued. I am sure there was one, but it wasn’t memorable. We had a bigger fight over the song Lola.

When I was 19, we used to ride together every morning. He went to work and I went to school. It was about 40 miles one way. Horrible.

One day, we were listening to the local rock station. Someone called in and asked the DJ to play her favorite AC/DC song, so she picked Lola by The Kinks. My dad instantly went on a rant. She’s the goddamn DJ and she doesn’t even know the right band.

I explained that she picked her favorite AC/DC song in that Lola was really a man. AC/DC means you go both ways.

Well, that meant that she was right and he was wrong. So he told me that wasn’t true.

I cited the lyrics to him which explicitly say Lola was a man.

He lost his shit and screamed at me the rest of the trip. I knew the fit was coming, but it was always worth it. For a few seconds. The rest was a nightmare, but I must have really loved those few seconds of satisfaction, because I went back for those seconds over and over.

That’s what macho men do right?

  • Macho men lose their shit over every slight.
  • Macho men can never be wrong.
  • Macho men denigrate and abuse people they perceive as weaker because that makes them feel strong.

I wish my dad and the president would just leave The Village People’s music alone.

My dad and the president are who that song is making fun of. My dad and the president are broken and weak.

Playing that song at his rallies magnifies his desperation. I’m strong! I am tough! No one is stronger than me!

And he is desperate right now.

I think between now and the midterms is when we’re going to see his bizarre behavior peak. Hang on and try to focus on the positive as much as you can. Seek out beauty. Help and support your brothers and sisters.

Okay, so why would Joey get eaten by a cougar? Well, I will tell you. He is staying on a farm in Washington state for two months. I’ve never been away from my baby boy for this long and I miss him like crazy.

Last week, when I spoke with him, I mentioned that he should step out when it is dark and look at the stars because he’ll see shit we can’t see here.

Joey: I would, but I’m exhausted before dark and am usually asleep. I could set my alarm.

Me: There you go. You really should. I bet it is amazing.

Joey: Well, I’m hesitant to go out at night alone. There’s a cougar hanging around. It attacked one of the dogs.

Me: Yeah, fuck the stars. Seen one, seen em all. You just go ahead and get your sleep.

Joey: I know. You’re never sleeping again, right?

Me: Yep, Never. At least not well.

He’s coming home on either September 1 or September 14. I’m not sure if I can, but I’m gong to try holding my breath until he gets here.

And here I was all worried about bears.

 

Photo courtesy of Gratisography

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. KK says:

    Ha ha ha ha, oh dear, when I read ‘eaten by a cougar’ I thought you meant of the human female variety. I forgot you had the wild kind!

    Reply
  2. Cecilia says:

    Macho Man – a song sung by a group of prancing Greenwich Village Gays. Perfect song all-around.

    Reply
  3. This will be the busiest week of my summer and I am hoping for miracles and cooler weather, so I will settle for miracles. One of my miracles was making peace with my dad…it is an ongoing miracle, I pray for pieces and they fall into place, I hope one day to have the whole mosaic…families are complicated arent they?

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      They are. I will never really make peace with my dad. He had a heart episode many years ago and is now slightly brain damaged. He isn’t as toxic as he used to be, but he’s still him. I feel compassion for him and want him to be comfortable and experience happiness. That is the best I can do.

      Reply
  4. As a really big Kinks fan I have to share that the lyrics of “Lola” were written by Dave Davies who’s not shy about going both ways. And one of the reasons I love that song is the singer admits to being confused but gets over it. By the end he’s not afraid to say he’s attracted to Lola and that’s all that matters–the way a real man should respond.
    I’m glad you schooled your father. And I’m laughing at the thought of him hearing Lou Reed’s “Walk On The Wild Side” some time.
    And you’ve raised Joey right. He can handle cougars.
    Now I’m gonna go listen to the Village Peoples’ cover of “Just A Gigolo”.

    Reply
  5. Doug in Oakland says:

    Not that I have anything in particular against them, but you reminded me of a bit Robin Williams did on his album “Wow, reality, what a concept” : “Night of the living disco, by village of the damned people” after which he sang “Macho man, I’ve got to be a macho man” in the voice of an intoxicated Elmer Fudd.
    I saw the Kinks in the ’80s, and they tore a glorious hole in the Concord Pavillion, which was seeming a little uptight for a rock venue at the time. They teased the crowd with the opening chords to “Lola” twice before they got around to playing it: “You’re not ready for that one yet.” After the second time, my friend’s girlfriend Brenda leapt over the barricades and ran up and planted one on Ray Davies. We were ecstatic, none of us would have believed she had it in her to do something like that, but that’s the magic of rock and roll, now isn’t it?
    And cougars? I saw one once for about a tenth of a second. My dad and I were walking back to the truck after he had finished surveying roads for the day, and he did this thing he did when he wanted to show me an animal. He would freeze, and whisper “Be real still” and look in the direction of whatever critter he had spotted, and I was supposed to look in that direction and see it. This time, though, there wasn’t enough time for the words, he just froze and pointed at a dun-colored flash of movement as it disappeared into the manzanita bushes.
    “Know what that was?”
    “What?”
    “It was a mountain lion. Know how long he’s been following us?”
    “How long?”
    “About half a mile. We’re out of his territory now, so he don’t care about us any more.”
    And that was that.
    I’ve been thinking of you whenever Fergus does some over-the-top-narc shit (so that would be what, every half-hour?) but no, that’s not right, I just had two weeks of no internet, and not having any other media access, that meant no Fergus as well.
    What I discovered when I got back online?
    He’s still there. He’s still way out of his depth. He’s still throwing tantrums and calling it governance.
    I’m on a 10GB/mo data cap now, and we’ve blown through more than half of it already, so I can’t even go on YouTube to get you the links to them, but I highly recommend Randy Rainbow’s “A Very Stable Genius” and “WTF You Guys” for sanity reinforcement.

    Reply
  6. I can’t imagine having a father like Trump. Oh well, think of the material it gave you for being a writer! Hilarious about your Dad and Lola.

    Reply
  7. Spiked Lee says:

    I was thinking about you this morning, in the-we’ve-lived-here-four-years-still-haven’t-painted-it bedroom, about how much your life has changed this year, what with the Joey leaving and the old house and the new house, and hoping a column would show up today. This is a good one, and made me laugh. I’ve been avoiding news, so thanks for explaining the whole macho-don thing to me. 🙂
    I went to the best wedding ever this weekend, of two people who are so magical together they actually made it stop raining and cool down. The magic included spontaneous performances by several of the wonderful musicians, including the bride and groom. The playlist included “It’s Raining Men!” Hallelujah.
    Joey will be fine.
    Love the Lola story.
    Thanks for starting the week off with a laugh. 🙂

    Reply
  8. Lisa K says:

    My go-to ‘Daddy’ song was ‘You’re so Vain’
    *mutters, “I’ll bet you think this song is about you.”*
    You were very brave to point out the Lola variation…
    When you said Joey is in Washington, last post, I thought you meant DC area.
    Want me to go check on him? I could even kidnap him for the weekend and make sure he’s alright and then get him back to work before anybody notices he’s gone 😉
    I’m sorry he’ll miss the star viewing, tho. Sometimes those hard choices must be made and I, for one, will always vote for sleep…

    Reply
  9. Pam says:

    If I made eye contact with a cougar, I’m not sure I’d be thinking about the tips in this article.

    http://www.cdapress.com/my_turn/20180727/what_todo_if_youencountera_cougar

    Reply
  10. Mila says:

    Nothing like remodeling, having shitty parents, and worrying all the damn time. This summer needs to be over.

    Reply
  11. mydangblog says:

    Poor you–I can totally sympathize, having been awake for hours the other night because my son’s constantly stoned yet wildly belligerent roommate was giving him a hard time about the fact that we had packed up some of Tristan’s things, including some plates that the stoner claimed were his. I had to send photos of them to prove where they came from. Glad T has a a lock on his residence door and that he’s moving out of there soon. Imagine how I’d be if there were actually cougars…

    Reply
  12. Barbara says:

    I had the pleasure of both my parents being narcissists. It definitely had everything to do with a marriage that didn’t make it to the 2nd year. Lost touch with my father for years and years. When I reconnected, through my half-sister, it wasn’t much to write home about! I don’t even know if either of them is still alive but, I don’t need to know. They’ve been dead to me for ages.
    I hope you are enjoying the new home. How are the neighbors? We are still blending in with ours here after 4 years.
    b

    Reply
  13. Paula says:

    This summer seems to drag on and on. We had a period here in Texas where it was hot as Hades. The temp was between 101 and 107 day after day. We have had a “cool front” and it is a tolerable 90 something.

    I have a friend that is visiting Mexico right now. They know it is not the American people. The Mexican people probably know what it is like to be lead by a nut job.

    The real excitement is, this fall, I am going to get to vote against Ted Cruz. Do you know how excited that makes me feel? We need a Blue Wave to take over this country. Beto O’Rourke is such a good person. His goal is to make it to all of our 254 counties. Let’s all say a prayer, cross our fingers, recite a good spell, whatever is your method of luck or reaching out to the universe. Ted Cruz is another nut job.

    Reply
  14. deborah says:

    Man, sometimes I wish I had a Tardis, so I could go back in time to that moment when you let him taste the bullshit of his ways, and lift you out of that moment, just when it was sweet, and we’d just laugh and laugh.

    Watching the Trump implosion is both fascinating and terrifying.

    It’s times like these when I’m grateful that my autistic son is turning 12 and churning up enough drama on his own to blot out the big, orange supernova. It helps to care about drama a little closer to home.

    In that way, fixing up the scary kitchen can be a helpful point of focus, as can the knowledge that your son is living withing striking distance of a mountain lion. Don’t worry – they like to stay hidden. Side note – my son’s band (another source of drama) is named after a mountain lion. P-22 (Puma 22). He’s survived two highway crossings and a poisoning – the mountain lion, not my son.

    Be well, and if you can be well, be funny.

    Reply
  15. Onlyme says:

    Good post. I especially love thinking about the idiot in the White House using “a song sung by a group of prancing Greenwich Village Gays,” as Cecelia said, as a rally song. He’s so stupid. I’m thinking he doesn’t even know who the Village People are. But the very fact that he feels the need to announce himself as a Macho Man only highlights that his overblown opinion of himself is bracketed by insecurity.
    Sorry about the cougar worries. Being a sister-worrier with a vivid imagination, I fully understand. But, if it wasn’t a cougar, you’d find something else to worry about, right? We always do.

    Reply