Magnetic eyelashes taught me a lesson.
A valuable lesson.
Actually, two lessons.
I learned, first, one should never purchase magnetic eyelashes from Groupon.
Second, I guess my takeaway is there are things I need to let go of.
For instance, I’ve never worn false eyelashes. I am 57 years old and my vision isn’t great. If there was a time in my life that I should attempt to apply false eyelashes to my eyelids? Well, that ship sailed years ago.
Also, if magnetic eyelashes sell for a deep discount on Groupon, then there’s a reason. They suck.
Plus, I can’t see for shit.
But I still thought it would be a good idea to buy a kit which encourages you to paint a magnetic strip on your eyelid and adhere a set of ridiculously long eyelashes.
Here’s what happened.
First, the magnetic strip gets applied via a narrow brush.
I’ve known for years I can’t handle liquid eyeliner because I have the manual dexterity of a toddler on crack. The magnetic gel is no different from liquid eyeliner.
My first attempt at applying the magnetic goop included getting a substantial portion into my right eyeball. I could see the goop, kind of, spreading out and floating around.
I was immediately grateful I don’t have a metal plate in my head.
Once that magnet shit traveled around to the back of my eye, what kind of damage would it have done if I had a metal plate in my head? Would it repel the metal plate or attract the metal plate?
I don’t know, I’m not a goddamn scientist. I also don’t remember 4th grade science class. I assume I would have either have a hole blown out in my skull or my head would cave in.
But I don’t have a metal plate in my head, so it’s all cool.
Although, now that I have the magnet shit on my left eye, my right eye won’t stop looking at my left eye.
The eyelashes were just horrible. I mean, not were they just completely ridiculous looking, but felt like a dream where you wake up and don’t remember exactly what you dreamed, but know the dream was horrible.
It’s not like the lashes felt like spiders on the edges of my eyelids. They felt like spiders heavy with child on the edges of my eyelids.
Most of my fingers were coated in that shit. I washed my hands because I feared if I put my hands near my face, then my right eyeball would end up up on my fingertips.
Or, my eyeball would have been repelled by finger tips and shot out of my ear hole. Either way, as I am fond of depth perception, I immediately washed that shit off my hands, just in case.
On the one hand, perhaps this lesson should have been learned years ago.
I concede I never should have attempted false eyelashes in my golden years.
On the other hand, fuck that.
Maybe, next I’ll get a Brazilian blowout (whatever that is) or maybe I’ll just go and get the false eyelashes permanently applied.
What could go wrong?
Full disclosure. I have spatial dyslexia and don’t know my left from my right, so I could be wrong about which eye got the shot of magnet eyelash juice.
Also, someone should start a band called “magnet eyelash juice”.
Eyeball photo courtesy of Aline Berry.