Magnetic eyelashes: When is it time to let go?

Magnetic eyelashes taught me a lesson.

A valuable lesson.

Actually, two lessons.

I learned, first, one should never purchase magnetic eyelashes from Groupon.

Second, I guess my takeaway is there are things I need to let go of.

For instance, I’ve never worn false eyelashes. I am 57 years old and my vision isn’t great. If there was a time in my life that I should attempt to apply false eyelashes to my eyelids? Well, that ship sailed years ago.

Also, if magnetic eyelashes sell for a deep discount on Groupon, then there’s a reason. They suck.

Plus, I can’t see for shit.

But I still thought it would be a good idea to buy a kit which encourages you to paint a magnetic strip on your eyelid and adhere a set of ridiculously long eyelashes.

Here’s what happened.

First, the magnetic strip gets applied via a narrow brush.

I’ve known for years I can’t handle liquid eyeliner because I have the manual dexterity of a toddler on crack. The magnetic gel is no different from liquid eyeliner.

My first attempt at applying the magnetic goop included getting a substantial portion into my right eyeball. I could see the goop, kind of, spreading out and floating around.

I was immediately grateful I don’t have a metal plate in my head.

Once that magnet shit traveled around to the back of my eye, what kind of damage would it have done if I had a metal plate in my head? Would it repel the metal plate or attract the metal plate?

I don’t know, I’m not a goddamn scientist. I also don’t remember 4th grade science class. I assume I would have either have a hole blown out in my skull or my head would cave in.

But I don’t have a metal plate in my head, so it’s all cool.

Although, now that I have the magnet shit on my left eye, my right eye won’t stop looking at my left eye.

The eyelashes were just horrible. I mean, not were they just completely ridiculous looking, but felt like a dream where you wake up and don’t remember exactly what you dreamed, but know the dream was horrible.

It’s not like the lashes felt like spiders on the edges of my eyelids. They felt like spiders heavy with child on the edges of my eyelids.

Most of my fingers were coated in that shit. I washed my hands because I feared if I put my hands near my face, then my right eyeball would end up up on my fingertips.

Or, my eyeball would have been repelled by finger tips and shot out of my ear hole. Either way, as I am fond of depth perception, I immediately washed that shit off my hands, just in case.

On the one hand, perhaps this lesson should have been learned years ago.

I concede I never should have attempted false eyelashes in my golden years.

On the other hand, fuck that.

Maybe, next I’ll get a Brazilian blowout (whatever that is) or maybe I’ll just go and get the false eyelashes permanently applied.

What could go wrong?

Full disclosure. I have spatial dyslexia and don’t know my left from my right, so I could be wrong about which eye got the shot of magnet eyelash juice. 

Also, someone should start a band called “magnet eyelash juice”. 


Eyeball photo courtesy of Aline Berry.


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  • Well, you could get 3 other bloggers as back up singers and wear the magnetic eyelashes and call yourselves the “magnet eyelash juice”. It wouldn’t even matter if you could sing. Just wildly blink your enormous eyelashes and wear slinky long, tight dresses. (It would be especially entertaining if you could get Christopher, Ari and Doug as the back up group – I can see the follow-up blogs now).

  • You have saved me from a late night online “incident”.

    I know cosmetics via the backside-I was a cosmetics merchandiser in all the top stores-OK Target and Walmart-along with any drugstore that wouldn’t hold still. The major beauty companies skim yearbooks for mean girls and guys, and covertly watch them until they’ve flowered into sadistic beasts. Then they hire them in product development and marketing. That’s how you get magnetic eyelashes.

    And I sincerely thought they were 2 pair of lashes that magnetically snapped together with your own lashes as the cheese in that sandwich. It sounded reasonable to me and I wanted some.

  • Briana got some of the kind Peggy L described from Sally Beauty Supply and they were so bogus that the little magnets fell off pretty much immediately. I remember the incident, and thought it to be rather bizarre at the time.
    She said that Brenda, who knows all about such things (and her daughter) had this woman glue actual human eyelashes to each individual eyelash hair for $100. She said that you have to sit there with your eyes closed for an hour and a half in order to get it done, and Brenda described the adhesive as “super glue”, although I can’t imagine having cyanoacrylate applied that close to your eyeball.
    I used to have to super glue my eyeglasses back together a lot, and the curing process produces acetic acid (vinegar) and even after letting the glasses repair dry for 20 minutes, it still made my eyes water to wear them, so maybe they use some other special kind of glue.
    Where they get the eyelash hairs is a question I couldn’t get any answer to.
    Briana has been working on false eyelashes for drag queens and belly dancers made from peacock feathers.

  • Ok. This is the best way to wake up on a Monday morning. Laughing hysterically.

    I just know I never use the phrase, “what could go wrong” anymore. I tempt fate.

  • I’m disturbed that you’ve got magnetic eyelash juice floating around in your head even though that is awesome band name, and I can just hear, “Opening for Magnetic Eyelash Juice is Floating Around Your Head with their hit single ‘Spiders Heavy With Child’.” And Magnetic Eyelash Juice would have an equally great song called “Toddler On Crack”. Then either band would have a ballad called “Finger On My Eyeball”.
    Seriously, I would pay a lot to see that concert, and you could more than make back what you spent on that magnetic eyelash kit.

  • Somehow the combination of magnetic and anything-near-my-eye doesn’t sound good to me. The only time I ever wore false eyelashes, they were part of a Halloween costume. And I think that shall remain my only time. But this was a riotous post, and I thank you for the laugh. And the warning.

  • Sitting here waiting for a dreaded mammogram and laughing out loud. Wondering what all the others waiting are thinking, and realizing I don’t care! Hilarious-thanks for the belly laughs!

By Michelle


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