Man Versus Squirrel

Forget about Man Vs Food or Big Brother or Survivor (I heard the next episode they are going to be stranded in Madison, WI).

I have the perfect reality show. My husband battling the squirrels in our backyard.

Hubs has turned into a crazy bird watcher. It started about 10 years ago and has ended with us having a fuck ton of bird feeders and him actually making a peanut butter concoction to smear on tree bark.

He loves his birds, but he HATES the fucking squirrels.

They EAT his bird food that he puts out! Imagine that! He puts out delicious, tempting food that ANY squirrel would be happy to have and then gets pissed when the squirrels, probably FILLED with gratitude, attempt to enjoy it.

The following is a not exhaustive list of the things Randy has used in an attempt to drive them off:

  • Filled water bottles
  • Empty beer bottles
  • Empty tequila bottles
  • Empty bourbon bottles
  • The garden hose
  • An empty can of blazing hot peanuts
  • The contents of flower pots (dead dried up flowers and clumps of dirt)
  • Rocks
  • Giant sunflower heads  (Yeah, I don’t get that one either, it’s like he was a delivery service for them)

He has tried putting extra hot chili powder in with the bird food because birds don’t feel the heat, but squirrels HATE it.

Not our squirrels. Our squirrels had some and then asked for tortilla chips.

So, what does this result in?

It results in my motherfucking garden and back yard being filled with trash.

It. Drives. Me. Nuts.

Hahahaha. Nuts. Get it? Squirrels?

We discussed this issue like adults and we’ve also resorted to caustic remarks. But mostly, it’s me bitching about it while Randy pretends I am not even talking.

This actually happened a few years ago. I might not have the words EXACTLY right, but it’s pretty fucking close.

Me, showing amazing restraint: You do shit just to get on my nerves. I don’t understand that at all. Why would you do shit just to get on my nerves? Are you feeling hostile toward me?

Randy, looking terribly affronted: NO! I don’t DO that. I wouldn’t do that. Why would I do shit just to get on your nerves?

At the time, his daughter was visiting with her husband and kids. After our exchange, he went outside on the deck with his kid. In no more than 5 minutes, my gorgeous stepdaughter walked in smiling.

Gorgeous kid: Shell, Daddy just threw a bottle in the back yard and said, Michelle HATES it when I do that.

I’m not even fucking kidding. Mere minutes after he SWORE he never does things to just get on my nerves, he not only ADMITTED that he does, he actually DEMONSTRATED it.

And he wonders why he got a squirrel ornament for Christmas last year.

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By Michelle


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