Mea Culpa…Kind Of

I am a big Buffy geek.

I love Buffy. Because of this, hubs knows WAY more about Buffy than he would like to know. I forced Buffy into his brain against his will. He just doesn’t appreciate enough that he is truly better for it.


Well, it educated him. Not only could he kill a vampire, but he learned a common phrase that really should be used whenever it’s applicable.

My bad.

Seriously…he thought the Scooby gang invented the phrase ‘my bad’.

How does one get through DECADES without ever hearing that phrase? He grew up in a little town in Indiana. I wonder if the other people who live there have gone through life without this handy little phrase? Maybe, he just wasn’t paying attention, which is entirely possible.

That being said, my last blog post made someone feel bad. I cited a blog (not by the blog name..just the blog post title..I’m not a complete bitch) and had a little rant about how it made me angry.

The person who wrote the referred post read my rant and left a lovely, honest comment. I wasn’t expecting that. Not at all.

If I had to do it all over again, I would still write the blog post. It was heartfelt and honest and I’m not sorry that I wrote it.

I am, however, very sorry that it caused another person pain.

Anyone who is still dealing with the fallout of a shitty parent can find themselves a walking exposed nerve. I live a lot of my life that way. I know how it feels and I would never want to pour lemon juice on the emotional pain that other people feel. For that, I am very sorry.

This made me really think about what I write. Β I write what I am thinking or feeling at the moment without regard to how it might affect other people. Probably, because I mostly feel like I am not capable of REALLY affecting people I don’t know. This little incident made me aware that my words can affect someone else and I need to consider that. The author of the blog post I referenced said something about feeling that her words were just off the cuff ramblings. That resonated with me. I feel very much the same way.

That’s not to say that I will censor myself or not be honest. I can’t do that. Not now. Writing about narcissism and connecting with other people affected by narcissism has meant so much to me. To stop now or to be disingenuousΒ would feel like cutting off a limb.

I can, however, at least be cognizant of my words. And when my words hurt another person, I can quote Buffy and say: My bad.

I wish peace and contentment to people who have suffered the emotional damage brought on by narcissism and I would never intentionally say anything that might make that pain even a little bit worse.

The flower is from my garden. It’s my peace offering.

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  • I can totally understand why both of you had the reactions that you did. The thing of it is (I know at least for me and I ASSUME for you as well after reading your blog for several months now), it is a release. Sometimes we can’t put things into words until we write them down. We cannot vocalize our feelings because we feel that nobody will listen. Understanding that what we write is our own and nobody else’s.

    We all need an outlet. For my wife it is running (I don’t run…). For my younger brothers and sister, it is playing sports (which use to be mine until I got old(er), fat, and medically unable to play). For you (and me sometimes) it is writing your blog. It is what you feel you need to release into the open so it’s not bottled up.

    I’m not saying to disregard feelings of others, but we do need to respect the feels of ourselves.

  • Rocco is right on! And, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say this: technically, we can’t *make* other people feel stuff. That’s not to say that being intentionally hurtful should be a goal, duh. One of the greatest epiphanies I ever had was realizing that my feelings come from the thoughts I think about what’s going on outside of me. If I think painful thoughts, I feel painful feelings. If I think neutral thoughts, I feel neutral feelings. If I think happy, loving thoughts, well, I get happy, loving feelings. That is simplifying it a bit, but I think you get the point. It’s all in what we make the stuff happening outside of us mean. We’re meaning-making machines. That’s what humans do. So the author of that other blog, if she was hurt, it’s because she made what you wrote mean something “bad” or negative about her. Being cognizant of what we write and how we use our words is noble and I strive to do the same. But at the same time I know that there are times when my words will be interpreted a certain way and the read may feel some pain, based on the thoughts she/he is thinking.

    I love being my own thought/feeling ninja…it’s a practice, for sure!

    Keep on keepin’ on Michelle!

    • Thank you, sister…and I know that I can’t MAKE people feel anything..ultimately, we are all responsible for our own feelings.

      That being said..I still don’t want to have a hand in someone else’s hurt feelings. )

  • I like that you write what is on your mind. And also that you know when it’s your bad. I am afraid to write what’s on my mind. I don’t really want to open up that can of worms.

    Your apology is sincere, I hope the other person understands and is no longer hurt.

    • Thanks, Carla! It is sincere. I understand about not wanting to write about personal issues. I really don’t have a difficult time with it. One advantage (I guess you can call it that) of being raised by a narcissist, is I can disconnect pretty easy. Although, it snaps back into place when things like this happen.

  • I feel for your husband. I had to live in Indiana for 5 years. I did not grow up there, and that is how I have heard the phrase my bad before. In Indiana, it’s all about Jesus and deer hunting. I grew up in South Florida, which is all about Key lime pie and Rum Runners. It’s a little different.

  • Hi Michelle–
    I love your peace flower. And I felt the same way: How could my story that was simply my rambling about MY life and how I look at it, have made someone feel sick? Someone, out there, who I don’t even know? Should I not write any more? I already never touch on any of the ‘harder’ things in my past, because, well, my mom, my kids, their friends, and their teachers all read this stuff, so there’s a lot that doesn’t get said. A.Lot. Plus, most of it’s not funny.

    That particular post was written as of a mild, rated-PG sarcastic poke at my OWN life, like “WTF? Now I have another official name for what/who I grew up with.” Mom hammered me all through my twenties with books about being an adult child of… all these things, an alcoholic, a womanizer, a child of divorce, smart women-foolish choices, crazy Freemason grandparents…you name it. So, it was really just like, “Great. Here’s one more Thing” but also sort of a chance to tell myself again that, no, my dad’s narcissistic personality doesn’t get to affect my daily life now; that’s giving him way too much credit.

    I love where I ended up in life, so my past is really just that–in the past–and I wouldn’t change it now, because it got me here. But that’s not everyone’s story, either.

    Everyone who writes (or reads) does so for different reasons. I started writing to amuse myself and some of my friends and family. I’m still not all the way comfortable with the idea of public blogging, and I tend to be flippant about everything, including my dad and my childhood. But it’s never meant to encompass anyone’s experience but mine.

    I thought about you (and this) a lot yesterday, which is an odd feeling. I almost told myself to disconnect for awhile. You know, like, if I’m causing drama, or possibly nausea, for people I don’t even KNOW, then I have way too much freaking time on my hands and I should probably go clean my house or something.

    I have to admit, I was a little afraid to read this post, but I’m glad I did, and I appreciate your writing it.

    Oh, and…we got a cat. πŸ˜€

    • I want a cat, but no one else in the family does. One of these days, I will get my way. πŸ™‚

      Please please PLEASE keep writing. You are in NO way responsible for my feelings. I simply reacted to something that I read and responded to that reaction. I’m really glad you liked the post and the flower. πŸ™‚

  • I totally get what you are saying Michelle. I’ve recently had a similar struggle trying to find that balance between posting my honest recollections of my life and not wanting to hurt the other people who were part of those stories. I didn’t even tell my parents about my blog for a few months and I sat on some stories that I was particularly worried about. I finally sent them to my mom and asked for her input (as she was the one the stories were primarily about) — her response was nothing but positive, which relieved me. She told me that everyone has different perspectives on things and she wanted me to be honest in my postings, especially since I use my blog as sort of therapy for myself. I think that as long as someone is not using a blog to purposely cause pain to others, you should post “from the gut” as it were. Some of the most honest, raw, hilarious, and poignant stories are created that way.

    • Oh god…I am so glad my mother doesn’t read my blog! She’s a ludite, so she’ll never see it. My sisters and my stepdaughters and some other family members read it..but I don’t worry about them..I’m comfortable enough with them to continue to be honest.

  • Glad I’m not the only one! I love people who can just SAY it, and I wish I could, too. I have told my kids bits and pieces of my family’s story, but I don’t know if the whole story will ever be written down.

    I am working on some family history pieces for future posts, and I find myself censoring things, all the time. So, then what is that…a whitewashed history? I don’t know (which is why they’re still drafts).

    Michelle–you should totally get a cat. They’re comforting to have around, except when they’re crashing around the house at midnight. πŸ™‚

  • I think it’s great that you write what is on your mind and in your heart. That’s the best kind of writing to read, IMO. I also love that, when told it hurt someone, you cared. So many people just wouldn’t. The world would be a better place if more people were honest and spoke from their hearts…and more people cared about how their words (or actions) affected others. You’re good people in my book!! πŸ™‚ –Lisa

    • Thank you, Lisa. I so much appreciate this. Although, I suspect if I wrote everything that was in my heart, my family would have me locked up. πŸ™‚

  • I like your writing a lot. I also think that the phrase “my bad”, were it used a lot more, could make this world a much better place.

  • I like the honesty in your blog. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ummm, not a big fan of “my bad”. To me it has kind of a “whatever” feel to it. “Sorry” is the same number of syllables.

    Still I’m a big fan of Wheaton’s Law. “Don’t be a Dick.” As long as people are doing their best, then I will cut them a lot of slack.

  • Hold the phone– someone’s being decent, kind, and empathetic on the internet? Surely this can’t be πŸ˜‰ You are nice to write a post-rant post… I do appreciate honesty though and would never want you to censor your rants.

    • It’s amazing, right? There are so many assholes out there.

      And I won’t. I will continue to be who I am. Just as soon as I figure that out.

  • What a heart-felt and classy apology! I’ve learned the hard way not to publish everything I think or feel, but I still occasionally post something that steps on someone’s toes. Sometimes those toes are my own.

    • Thank you so much! I don’t mind stepping on my own toes…but I really don’t want to make anyone feel bad.

      I think that is inevitable sometimes..and with that being said, when I get MY toes stepped on by someone else, that’s for me to deal with.

By Michelle


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